I thought I would write a bit about the situation I was in 10 years ago. I hope I can give it justice....it's so hard to write about details that happened that long ago...and I don't want to write a book here. I will try my best.
To say I married the women of my dreams would be an understatement. I married my best friend, my confedant, my lover and my second half…she was my world. I have had friends marry out of convenience, it was the logical next step. I have friends that married because there was a little one on the way. I have had friends marry because they told themselves that they should be married by such and such an age. I have had friend marry because they wanted to have a wedding party...I think. I married because I was trully head over heals blissfully in love and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with the women of my dreams.
Three years and a baby boy later…my best friend came home from work one night and dropped a bomb that shattered my whole world. “I think I love him” she said to me and my heart stopped.
That’s how I found out..on the porch of my home on a cool summer night. Suddenly, the last six months of my marriage started making sense…and all the lies unfolded before my eyes. All I was left with was the sickest feeling right in the pit of my gut that would not go away and questions that I could not get answers for.
Of course we all know this was just the beginning. What followed was the hardest year of my life.
Are you staying? Do you love me or him? Stay..go..stay..go...and on..and on...and on. This lasted about a month.
I moved out (200+ miles away). He moved in (as soon as the coast was clear). We would drive and meet at the halfway point to share my son, I had him most weekends. This went on for 3 months. The divorce papers had been filed.
Then came the "gas-lighting and blame shifting" I was made out to be the most selfish, sluggish, non-understanding person that ever walked the planet. I bought into this.
Then came the games. She wanted to work it out...so she moved back in with me. Said it was over between them..I bought into this too. I stopped the divorce proceedings.
We all know she didn't stop seeing him, of course. I lost my mind. She put a restraining order on me. No, I never laid a hand on her. This was her way of showing people how right she was...I was a d_ck! Just like she said I was. She moved in with her parents and continued her affair.
The divorce was back on...another $1200 to file...yippie!
We didn't speak for about a month.
I was dead inside..completely hollow. Battered, broken..and broke. I cried daily. I drove around a lot. What came next saved my life.
I don't recall the exact time it happened to me, all I can say it was when I was at my lowest. I was driving down the highway coming home from work...major rush hour traffic. I remember looking at the cars full of people and just loathing every single one of them. Don't these people know what I am going through? Don't they care?
I was really losing control of my emotions....I was splitting in two!
Just then I pulled over...I had had enough! Enough of the pain...enough of the lies, enough of the guilt, enough...ENOUGH!
I got out of the car and dropped to my knees, right there on the shoulder of the road in the middle of rush hour traffic and prayed.
With hands folded and head bowed...I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for Jesus to take control and to lift my burdens. I gave it all to the Lord above. Everything...my sins, my pain....my life. I placed it all before His throne and asked Him to take it. I asked for His will to be done and not mine. I admitted that my wishes were nothing to His. I prayed.
I left that road side and drove strait to the bookstore and purchased my first Bible.
From that point on things got easier.
Mind you...I was never a believer before.
So the story goes. I stayed glued to my Bible and to Christ day and night. I read and studied. I worked. I spent time with my son. I still loved my wife.
When the day came for the divorce to be finalized, I was in a good place. I was healed physically and emotionally. I was ready to be divorced and to move forward into being single again.
The judge gave me a chance to speak, I think...or I asked for the chance...can't really remember. All I remember from being in that courtroom was turning to my wife and saying "Honey, I love you...I don't want a divorce..I want to work it out."
We left hand in hand..proceeded to the diner across the street and had coffee.
It's hard to recall all the horrible details of what happened 10 years ago. I can attest that it was like any of the hundreds of post on this board. The script remains the same it seems for so many people. However...I can remember vividly how it felt when I prayed that day on the side of the road. I can remember how it felt to hold my wife's hand walking to that diner.
So how did you heal this relationship you ask?
No secret formula.
Although we didn't go to counseling. We got about every book there was on the subject...we studied, read, reflected. She came clean on everything. She corrected all of her lies she had told about me...reverse gas-lighting I guess. She took ownership of the affair. We worked as a team...we communicated...we took our time...and we kept Christ as our center..our Lord and our master.
What a beautiful story you shared. Thank you very much. You are correct God can make everything work out that right way. Divorce is not in his living manual (I am not saying he condones abuse at any rate either different story). I think our society has made it so very easy to get a divorce. And to me the problem is still the problem until you fix it. We will continue to find ourselves with the same person repeating the same problems until we stop the cycle and fix the problem. We are just hardwired that away.
Congratulations and many many more years to come for you and your family!
This is a great story, Marsh. My W and I are reconciling also, so far, so good. It's not nearly the dramatic story you have told.
What made you go from "ready to divorce" to "I don't want to divorce" right at that moment? It seemed you were at peace with the process, but then, you weren't. Any reason?
Well there is a lot of detail left out of the above story...I couldn't write it all or no one would read it...just to long...might as well be a book.
Prior to going into the court room I had noticed a change in her...she wanted to work it out..I knew this in my heart...I just think she never really thought I would be willing, especially after what she had put me through.
The fact that I was ready for divorce...really means I was at peace with it if it happened...wasn't even going to look back...did I want it..no...would I be OK if it did happened..yes.
I prayed on it a lot in the weeks leading up to the court date. I asked God to point me in his direction and I would follow. When the time came for me to speak..I spoke. Call it a nudging of the spirit or a gut instinct..whatever...I just new it was the right thing to do. The most important thing for me is I was going to be fine (spiritually) with either outcome.
I think this is one of the biggest "keys" to recovery...at least it was for me. I was confident in myself. I was at peace spiritually. I was whole again. I knew that no matter what the outcome I was going to charge forward into life ready for any and all challenges.
This is one of the biggest reason you will always hear me preach about taking care of yourself first.
Your story is amazingly uplifting! I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write it out, its been what I needed to read. I wont write about my situation here but its bad and like you my husband needs to do what you have done, cry out.. I'm ready to reconcile but he doesnt want to as he's going through chronic health issues, depression and loss of a job so he has everything stacked against him and our marriage problems..and no relationship with the God. thank you for assuring me of Gods faithfullnes.
It's the kind of story we all want to hear. No matter how ugly the situation is, we can make it if we get down on our knees and reorder our priorities. Thank you for this inspiring story. It makes me think that love may hurt, but there can be life after pain.
Amazing story! I too was never a very religious person, but after separating from my wife 2 months ago I have put my life in God's hands at this point. I pray on a daily basis now. I am doing everything I can to improve myself so I can be the best man and husband I can be, and the rest is up to the man upstairs. I have faith in whatever path he sends me down. Do I have bad days and good days? Sure, it's inevitable. The good days are starting to outweigh the bad, though, and to me, that is God's way of saying that everything will work out in the end. Thank you for sharing your story! It gives hope to a lot of us!
You have absolutely no idea how much I needed to hear this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I literally cried while reading this. I, too, feel the same thing. I haven't always been a very religious person. But God has played a huge role in my life these past few years. And I feel like I have abandoned him in a sense... and I can feel him wanting to reconnect with me. To help me. To encourage me.
I am so happy to hear that your marriage, even though has been through many hardships, ended in good terms. I am a strong believer that marriage isn't easy and that is does require work and dedication on both parts when things become sour. And in the end... both of you are stronger and better people. And possibly even closer and more in love than you were before.
Thank you for your story. It uplifted my hope and heart.
What a beautiful message...thank you for sharing this
I am at a crossroad in my life....leaving the country where I live in two days time and broken off my engagement to the man I love....because of too many issues that I am confused about and dont know if they can be fixed.
Just shows you...hope floats....so who knows what the future may bring.....
Thank you for sharing your story. This has brought tears to my eyes. I think I'm in the lowest point of this separation.
On my thread, I have received mostly flak from other posters who advise me that moving on is the best way for me. I know deep down inside his heart that my husband loves me but what I can't answer is why is he not with me right now. There's no 3rd party, I am very sure of that, and my husband simply prefers to be alone and live like a bachelor. I wish I have answers, but there is none right now. All I'm sure of is I believe in God and I trust Him with everything and I know NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE through His intercession.