How long does reconciliation take? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

User Tag List

 30Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:46 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,317
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

It's indefinite and there is absolutely no timetable!

But even more importantly, there is no measured guarantee of success!

Posted via Mobile Device


"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 09:00 AM
Member
 
DayOne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,282
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by C3156 View Post
I guess I will be blunt too. Your wife moved out a year ago. She has no interest in spending any real amount time with you. She has gone out with at least one (1) guy (that you know about) and had a torrid affair. I will have to speculate that you have not pursued counseling nor have you tried to understand what she was telling you was missing from your marriage.

What makes you think that your wife is ready to reconcile with you? She said so? You really need to fix the root cause of why she left before you jump back in the marriage.

She dumped you a year ago. The fact that you are still pining away for her makes me agree somewhat with Conan. Personally, I would say show some self respect. Even if you have no plan to follow through, file the divorce papers. Make her realize that you are willing to move on and not just be her fall back guy. And talk with a professional to try and understand why she left in the first place.
This is the closest to what I would advise.
She gone, OP. You're, at this point, at best, a fall back plan. She'll keep stringing you along, while having fun elsewhere. Because she knows you'll keep hanging around like a love struck puppy.

Man up. File for divorce and move. Unless that is you like being sloppy seconds.

Conan, while being a d1ck about it, is also on the money. He's just putting it in terms that don't pu$$yfoot around. Which, IMO, you need to hear.

Last edited by DayOne; 02-29-2016 at 09:30 AM.
DayOne is offline  
post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 12:48 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2
Thanks I guess for the advice. Not used to this forum so I am assuming all comments were answering my question.

Yes I have been to a counselor. She went to one herself but stopped because she didn't like it.

I thought my post was detailed. A little update. I actually met with a lawyer and had her served about a month and half ago. I heard from her right away when she got served. My goal was to show her I was serious and have her served and if she didn't want to work on it then I would know. Basically an expensive way to get her to talk or move on. She asked if I would withdraw the petition. I didn't do it right away because I was serious that things needed to change and the communication level needed to increase. After a week or so I had the lawyer cancel the petition. At first we did talk a lot more but barely in the last week and half. It is very frustrating and confusing because I have no idea how she feels because she has a difficult time telling me and her lack of communication is why we are still at a stand still. I have tried not contacting her, I had tried everything but she continues to string me along. If she wanted out I gave her that opportunity by filing but she didn't want out so I have no idea what she wants. Actually she probably has no clue what she wants. She said we have made progress but my understanding of the progress is further along then hers. The only way we will know if it will work is talk about why we are at this point and then need to spend a few days together here and there while still living apart and then that will help to decide if we want to continue with the process. The going out for a few hours here and there will not accomplish anything since we already know that works. I just wish she talk to someone.
Bronco00 is offline  
 
post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 655
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Re-file the petition.

She got you to back down. You're plan B.

In case you're wondering, I had a similar experience. My wife said she wanted to work on it, but she implemented a "solution" that was even worse than the original relationship.

Only after a long bruising separation did we find each other.

If you're not up for that - and I'm talking more than 18 months to two years, get it over with and divorce.

If she wants you, she'll find you later.

Then YOU can decide.

Right now, she's holding the cards. She complained about your initiative and you folded.
ReturntoZero is offline  
post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 04:54 PM
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,012
Plan on about 3 years for a full R, if all goes well, longer if there are problems along the way.

Last edited by MAJDEATH; 03-17-2016 at 11:05 AM.
MAJDEATH is online now  
post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 01:10 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,936
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronco00 View Post
Thanks I guess for the advice. Not used to this forum so I am assuming all comments were answering my question.

Yes I have been to a counselor. She went to one herself but stopped because she didn't like it.

I thought my post was detailed. A little update. I actually met with a lawyer and had her served about a month and half ago. I heard from her right away when she got served. My goal was to show her I was serious and have her served and if she didn't want to work on it then I would know. Basically an expensive way to get her to talk or move on. She asked if I would withdraw the petition. I didn't do it right away because I was serious that things needed to change and the communication level needed to increase. After a week or so I had the lawyer cancel the petition. At first we did talk a lot more but barely in the last week and half. It is very frustrating and confusing because I have no idea how she feels because she has a difficult time telling me and her lack of communication is why we are still at a stand still. I have tried not contacting her, I had tried everything but she continues to string me along. If she wanted out I gave her that opportunity by filing but she didn't want out so I have no idea what she wants. Actually she probably has no clue what she wants. She said we have made progress but my understanding of the progress is further along then hers. The only way we will know if it will work is talk about why we are at this point and then need to spend a few days together here and there while still living apart and then that will help to decide if we want to continue with the process. The going out for a few hours here and there will not accomplish anything since we already know that works. I just wish she talk to someone.
So what this proves is that she doesn't want a divorce...however, she doesn't want YOU either. She likes having the security of the marriage under her, and is only screwing with your feelings to keep you there, thus her security blanket stays in place. You should want and demand better for yourself, file and follow through.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:03 PM
Member
 
IMFarAboveRubies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 1,495
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.
Ridiculous! So R after a drunken quickie at a bar should only take 3 times the amount the quickie took??

My husband had a 2 week EA, and it has taken us years to heal, because he was not willing to deal with his issues, and I am an unforgiving person.

The correct answer is that R takes a long time, up to many years, depending on how well the issues are dealt with and how both people are committed to R.
IMFarAboveRubies is offline  
post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 03:05 PM
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,012
Quote:
Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.
Ridiculous! So R after a drunken quickie at a bar should only take 3 times the amount the quickie took??

My husband had a 2 week EA, and it has taken us years to heal, because he was not willing to deal with his issues, and I am an unforgiving person.

The correct answer is that R takes a long time, up to many years, depending on how well the issues are dealt with and how both people are committed to R.
If he had a 2 week EA, he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.
MAJDEATH is online now  
post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 03:13 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,156
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

I suspect her other man is still in the picture. Check her phone bill. That's probably the reason for the separation. You probably never suspected it. If they are in anyway in contact the affair is still ongoing.

I agree with the others refile and move on. Very hard to reconcile after a sexual affair.

It'll never be the same.

Learn from it and start over.

Read
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...0kEATD74imljI-
Marc878 is online now  
post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 03:16 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,156
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronco00 View Post
My wife moved out a little over a year ago. We have seen each other off and on over the last year. This past month she decided to work on our marriage. About 4 months after she moved out she had an affair for 3 to 4 months. It is over now. I am pretty sure this was not the reason she moved out. She says she didn't feel valued in the marriage and that I took her for granite. I have never wanted a divorce and I want to be with her. Like I mentioned she decided this month to work on the marriage. When we go out everything is fine and we get along just like we used to. I have asked her to spend some days together instead of hours together but she hasn't. What would be appropriate time frame for me to say we need to take the next step and we need to live together again to see how things go?
Wake up. There's more to this than you think.

Marc878 is online now  
post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 12:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,713
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Its way easier to not communicate then to keep track of all the secrets and lies she has.

I'm guessing if she were to ever open up to you...you may not like what she has to say?

I say go through with the divorce then remarry if shyt works out.
the guy is offline  
post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 01:37 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,190
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
You aren't in reconciliation.

She left and decided fvcking another man while still married to you was a good idea.

How did you find out?

How has she shown remorse?

Who was it?

I think you should date someone else for 4 months and get back to her on the subject.

Sheesh!
Posted via Mobile Device
I see both sides to this. We do not want to scare them all away!

The truth hurts, hence the push back from the empathetic crowd.

I have a suggestion. Let the good counselors ladle out their warm porridge first.

Give them a page or two to soft soap the troubled poster. Give the guy the bubble bath and neck rub.

Then unleash that Tasmanian Devil.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 01:54 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,190
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Posted via Mobile Device
I like this answer the best.

He gave us all the 180, go dark response.

Maybe invisible ink.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 12:50 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,190
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Wake up. There's more to this than you think.
The affair may be over...this affair may be over. This guy [may] or [may not] be still in her life, in her thoughts, in her plans.

If it is over with this guy, will there be more... men?

She may still be playing the field, sorting through the duds.

Duds, not dudes! Some are both. She may be sifting and sniffing, still.

The timeline is on her terms. Accept that. Move on. Let her see you doing well.

Create your own terms. No clinging or drama from you.

This may inspire her to give you a real chance. She is thinking about it. That is obvious with the short dates and all.

Stand tall and have pride in yourself....politely pull back, do the 180 response. Be too busy for her. She is in an uncomfortable spot, keep her there, force HER hand, do not let her do the reverse psychology on you.

The 180 will pay off, within a month or so. Yea or Nay.

Both outcomes are good, in the long run.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 03:04 PM
Member
 
IMFarAboveRubies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 1,495
Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
If he had a 2 week EA, he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.
Wow, Maj, you think so? LOL. How do you know he wasn't checked out for 6 years? Or how do you know he wasn't drunk when he met her, and had poor boundaries, but loved the attention, so kept it going? (Actually neither of those is how it happened.)
IMFarAboveRubies is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dating advice - after a long break. scienist2 General Relationship Discussion 19 07-03-2016 11:21 PM
Long, but please read, im so lost JCI20 General Relationship Discussion 15 05-31-2016 12:49 AM
How Long Should I Wait For My Spouse To Decide If He Wants To Stay Together After My Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 61 01-20-2016 01:39 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome