How long does reconciliation take? - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-27-2016, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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How long does reconciliation take?

My wife moved out a little over a year ago. We have seen each other off and on over the last year. This past month she decided to work on our marriage. About 4 months after she moved out she had an affair for 3 to 4 months. It is over now. I am pretty sure this was not the reason she moved out. She says she didn't feel valued in the marriage and that I took her for granite. I have never wanted a divorce and I want to be with her. Like I mentioned she decided this month to work on the marriage. When we go out everything is fine and we get along just like we used to. I have asked her to spend some days together instead of hours together but she hasn't. What would be appropriate time frame for me to say we need to take the next step and we need to live together again to see how things go?

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 09:21 PM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

What were her reasons for moving out?

What are her reasons for wanting to work on the marriage now?

Is she in counseling? Are you?

Perhaps the two of you should have counseling, individual and marriage (meaning together) counseling to figure out what the problems were and if they have been addressed/corrected before you decide to recommit to her. She left, now she wants to get back together. I understand that you didn't want to end the marriage in the first place, but if the reasons she decided to leave aren't fixed, you are just opening yourself up to being deserted again by her the next time she decides to call it quits.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 09:47 PM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

You aren't in reconciliation.

She left and decided fvcking another man while still married to you was a good idea.

How did you find out?

How has she shown remorse?

Who was it?

I think you should date someone else for 4 months and get back to her on the subject.

Sheesh!
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan. I was with you until that second to last sentence.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 09:54 PM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

What's the plan? She moving back into the home?

Was it her idea to reconcile? If so how did that happen?

Do you have MC lined up?

You don't seem to have many specifics and seem very vague.

A true reconciliation with two working together could take 2 to 5 years.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan. I was with you until that second to last sentence.
That sentence was frustrated sarcasm.

This situation is ridiculous.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:34 PM
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The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 06:45 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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That sentence was frustrated sarcasm.

This situation is ridiculous.
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New members first post at a different place in his process than you.

Compassion would have been helpful. Help is the point of TAM remember?

Turning new members into punching bags that come here seeking help and support isn't cool.

Whatever your problem is, I hope you figured it out before you unleash the unhelpful mean spirited crap on the next new person that comes in here hurting and seeking support and insight delivered with kindness and patience

Two thumbs down. Some get too comfortable here and forget the point of being here.

It isn't take cheap shots at the vulnerable. Go kick puppies somewhere else maybe or join a boxing league and beat someone up that wants to fight with you.

To OP, the timing of reconciliation varies with the values activities and milestones achieved. There are no dependable rules other than it depends on all the variables. At this point I don't think she is ready for what you want but you appear to need to work on yourself any way. Good luck
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 07:10 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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New members first post at a different place in his process than you.

Compassion would have been helpful. Help is the point of TAM remember?

Turning new members into punching bags that come here seeking help and support isn't cool.

Whatever your problem is, I hope you figured it out before you unleash the unhelpful mean spirited crap on the next new person that comes in here hurting and seeking support and insight delivered with kindness and patience

Two thumbs down. Some get too comfortable here and forget the point of being here.

It isn't take cheap shots at the vulnerable. Go kick puppies somewhere else maybe or join a boxing league and beat someone up that wants to fight with you.

To OP, the timing of reconciliation varies with the values activities and milestones achieved. There are no dependable rules other than it depends on all the variables. At this point I don't think she is ready for what you want but you appear to need to work on yourself any way. Good luck
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OP.

Your situation is ridiculous thus my frustration.

You are aiming too low and don't think highly enough of yourself.

My advice is to let her go. You do not have a healthy individual self image and no self respect.

She is definitely not in a position to reconcile. She left to play and is still playing with you.

She should not have taken vows and then decided to play games with your life.

Please look up the 180 and start doing it. Tell her to grow up and get help, IC, before approaching you again and that doesn't include screwing other people!

You should probably at least have divorce papers drawn up and have her served.

The process can be called off if she stops playing games gets serious about being a grownup, married woman!

You need to establish firm and healthy boundaries for yourself and stop putting up with her selfish and childish behavior.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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I actually punch hamsters.]
Don't quit your day job. Comedy isn't working

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
You are aiming too low and don't think highly enough of yourself.

My advice is to let her go. You do not have a healthy individual self image and no self respect.

She is definitely not in a position to reconcile. She left to play and is still playing with you.

She should not have taken vows and then decided to play games with your life.

Please look up the 180 and start doing it. Tell her to grow up and get help, IC, before approaching you again and that doesn't include screwing other people!

You should probably at least have divorce papers drawn up and have her served.

The process can be called off if she stops playing games gets serious about being a grownup, married woman!

You need to establish firm and healthy boundaries for yourself and stop putting up with her selfish and childish behavior
Solid advice above OP, except it isn't helpful to call your situation with a low self-esteem crises "ridiculous".

Things occur in this order

1. Betrayal
2. Betrayed spouse takes a self esteem hit causing bad decision and flawed thinking full of false hope and lowering of standards of treatment they will accept
3. Betrayed passes thru each phase of mourning the loss of love
4. Thinking straight and self esteem is restored
5. Good decisions are made

None of it is "ridiculous". It's all a natural common progression.

Unfortunately part of mourning is anger and some here are still in that stage even if they aren't aware of it.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:08 AM
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lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan. I was with you until that second to last sentence.
ConanHub is like that, he recommends divorce 99% of the time, at the first sign of adversity in a marriage.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

I guess I will be blunt too. Your wife moved out a year ago. She has no interest in spending any real amount time with you. She has gone out with at least one (1) guy (that you know about) and had a torrid affair. I will have to speculate that you have not pursued counseling nor have you tried to understand what she was telling you was missing from your marriage.

What makes you think that your wife is ready to reconcile with you? She said so? You really need to fix the root cause of why she left before you jump back in the marriage.

She dumped you a year ago. The fact that you are still pining away for her makes me agree somewhat with Conan. Personally, I would say show some self respect. Even if you have no plan to follow through, file the divorce papers. Make her realize that you are willing to move on and not just be her fall back guy. And talk with a professional to try and understand why she left in the first place.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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ConanHub is like that, he recommends divorce 99% of the time, at the first sign of adversity in a marriage.
Only in cases like yours. Probably more like 100%
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:34 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thread the needle View Post
Don't quit your day job. Comedy isn't working



Solid advice above OP, except it isn't helpful to call your situation with a low self-esteem crises "ridiculous".

Things occur in this order

1. Betrayal
2. Betrayed spouse takes a self esteem hit causing bad decision and flawed thinking full of false hope and lowering of standards of treatment they will accept
3. Betrayed passes thru each phase of mourning the loss of love
4. Thinking straight and self esteem is restored
5. Good decisions are made

None of it is "ridiculous". It's all a natural common progression.

Unfortunately part of mourning is anger and some here are still in that stage even if they aren't aware of it.
Chill out thread. Have enough awareness to realize when someone listened to your advice.

I didn't call OP ridiculous. This situation absolutely is.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 08:36 AM
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Re: How long does reconciliation take?

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