Hello
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

Like Tree15Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-26-2011, 03:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,663
Default Hello

Thought I'd introduce myself. Found this place through a search.

My husband and I met in 1996 and married in 2001. He's my second husband, I'm his first wife. We have 3 kids from my first marriage, all grown and living away from home now (most of the time anyway!). March 2010 I discovered his infidelity and kicked him out of the house that very day. We reconciled and he moved back in Sept 2010 and we are going strong.

***************************************
Here's a timeline of what we went through

Prior to May 2009 - Our marriage sucked. We had bought a house in 2002 with a large yard. I found out later that he bought it 'for me', not really wanting to be tied down with a garden every summer, mowing the lawn etc. but doing it to make me happy. This caused resentment to build and build with him, because he saw himself doing this thing for me over the years, when he didn't want to, and apparently I wasn't appreciative enough or something. Anyway, the resentment built and built in him.

We hardly talked. We hardly cuddled. We had sex every week or two, although I was never really into it. I had my obligatory orgasm, he had his, and we'd go to sleep. The same way every time. I was bored with it, and apparently so was he, because when he posted his online profiles later he called ours a 'sexless marriage'. I just didn't LIKE him very much. He was angry much of the time, very distant, and preferred to just talk about mundane things - no conversations of anything 'deep' ever.

I suggested MC which he shot down, and he claims that he also suggested it and I shot it down. I don't recall that, but that doesn't mean it never happened. I felt hopeless most of the time and really didn't care any more. I think that's why I kicked him out on Dday - I had been hopeless for so long it was almost a relief to get it over with and just be DONE.

I like to post about how we all have 4 choices when our marriage sucks.
1) Divorce
2) do nothing
3) cheat
4) Work on the marriage
I had chosen number 2 after a few early years of choosing 4, and he finally chose number 3 of course. It had been at least 5 years since either of us was truly happy with the way things were going.

He had looked at porn before and it never bothered me overly, I kind of just pretended he didn't do it and he erased his history to keep the pop ups and crap away from the kids. He didn't do it much anyway, until I introduced him to Stumbleupon. This was in 2007 or 8. Well, he started seeing adult content come up, and got into online porn in a big way. He spent a couple of years hiding his tracks doing this on the family computer, but didn't go any farther than that for a long while.

End of May 2009 - I am away for a long weekend. He is home. He spends the weekend immersed in an orgy of porn as he puts it, on his new laptop, and he discovers sex chats. He told me later that he did it knowing full well what he was doing, but that he intended to indulge himself just that once and that would be it. This is, in his mind, when he started cheating. Up till now the porn was just porn, but on this weekend he invited other women into his life and started wanting sex outside the marriage.

I remember him meeting me at the airport when I came home, and he seemed happy to see me.

June-Sep 2009 - He finds that it isn't so easy to let the fantasies go, and that sex sites on the internet lead to much more exciting things if you just click on all the flashy links that pop up. At some point he signs up for Sexsearch. Later he upgrades his membership to a paid one, posts pics of himself, exchanges a few messages with people that nothing ever came of he says. He becomes an expert at hiding his tracks on his computer. He cancels his Sexsearch account and reopens it, cancels it and reopens it, as he tries to stop doing what he knows is wrong. He's become addicted to sex chatting.

I suspect nothing. Our marriage sucks, but other than that, I have no idea he is indulging himself in this manner. He would go on his computer when I was at the grocery store, or even when I was in the other room watching TV, or in bed. Since I didn't really care what he was up to, it was easy for him.

Sept 2009 - he is contacted by 'Juliana' on Sexsearch. She says she's a model from the Philippines and is coming to Edmonton and would like to get together for sex, he agrees. They exchange pictures and racy emails, she gets him to get a cell phone and set up a gmail account (both kept secret from me of course). They sext and email for a couple of weeks. She tells him that he can bypass her 'agency' if he sends money to her dying father in the Philippines, which he does, on three occasions. She says she's in Edmonton and they arrange to meet at some hotel downtown (he says he can't remember which one) but when he goes to meet her she texts that someone is chasing her and she has to leave ??? she proceeds to lead him all over town on a wild goose chase, he thinks someone is after her. He says they didn't meet up and I do believe this, since this 'Juliana' appears to be a scammer (I searched out the email address) He also starts chatting with another 'model' called Jhanna

Oct-Nov 2009 - he continues to sext and email Juliana and Jhanna, they also get him to sign up for Adult Friend Finder and other sites to 'vote' for them. Juliana goes back to the Philippines at some point and has the gall to ask him for MORE money because she is stuck at an airport in some country because her cousin used a stolen credit card to pay for her ticket. Thankfully he has grown a small part of his brain back and doesn't send her any more money.

Nov-Dec 2009 - Jhanna gets him to sign up for Yahoo, another secret email, and he starts using yahoo chat and leaving it open for her all the time at work to contact him. She says she's at the Westin in Edmonton and needs money so she can pay off a debt to HER 'agency'. He thinks he can get sex as part of the deal, he pays $700 times two and claims he didn't meet up with her either. He went to the Westin in mid December with intent to meet with her and have sex with her, this is the exchange I have the emails about, the emails I found in March 2010. I also searched Jhanna up and found out this is also a scam identity.

Jan-Mar 2010 - he continues to communicate with both these 'models' but does not send them any more money despite repeated requests. He joins several more sexsearch type sites, leads people on and emails them stuff and chats with them but again, says he never met up with anyone. He says he 'somehow' ended up with a $60 credit on AFF that he used to engage in live chat with models who would undress in front of their webcams for him. He sends many emails to many different people and couples, pictures etc. Meanwhile he keeps chatting with Jhanna after she says she has left the city and basically carries on an emotional affair with her.

During this time, my own computer breaks completely down, so I ask him on occasion to let me check my email on his. He has password protected it, which I didn't take as a sign of anything because he tends to be anal about weird stuff for no reason other than his own convoluted ones. Anyway, when I ask him why he password protected it, he says because he doesn't want the kids on it. He does give me the password in order to check my email though. He has since told me that his philosophy was that the best lies have a grain of truth in them.

D day#1 Mar 13 2010 - While he's in the shower I sit down at his computer to check my email and he has left yahoo chat open. Till now I had no suspicions. But I see a couple of usernames like 'sexy_jhanna' and 'hot_wendy' which raises alarm bells. I am able to get into his email through chat and what I find blows me away. We manage to get rid of the kids for the evening and I had a huge melt down/blow out/ freak out on him during which he admits to all of the above. I kick him out, he leaves that day and moves into a hotel. Takes his computer of course. He gets rid of Yahoo chat on his computer, deletes his online profiles etc. and cuts off all contact with his online harem. I hack into his yahoo email before he can delete it (I still have access) but not his gmail.

If I had it to do over again, I would have demanded to see all his secret email accounts and all his online profiles before he had a chance to go in and delete them. I didn't, because at that point in time I was DONE. I wanted him out of the house and out of my life. As it stands, all I have is his word that he never met up with anyone, and the fact that both the 'women' he pursued are not real people but scam identities. And the fact that he admitted to hiring a hooker (see below). Trust is slowly rebuilding, but knowing right from the beginning exactly what he did and said would have been very helpful to my recovery.

Mar-May 2010 - we only communicate by email, he gets his apartment, we start counseling individually in March and as a couple in mid May. He has a 'relapse' in May at some point which he claims consisted of looking at porn on line and nothing more. He gets rid of his old cell and gets a new number.

June 2010 - he and I are both in individual counseling, he's been several times, and figures that since we're in couples counseling he can forego the individual stuff. He admits to the 'relapse' and tells me he has steps in place to deal with it if he has another one.

June 12 2010 - he decides to go to a lesbian bar (says there'd be less 'temptation' there wtf) and on the way home (walking) is approached by a hooker whom HE thinks is a lost person but who asks him if he's 'available'. He figures what the hell and takes her back to his apt where he gets a $60 blow job on his couch. He says he couldn't even get a full erection because he was so disgusted with himself, but figures that since he paid for it he's going through with it. He pays her in coins from his coin jar

In exhaustive conversations about the reason he did this, the best I can figure is that he had a couple beers in him, and had been feeling resentful of the fact I had been telling him I didn't believe that he hadn't actually has sex with anyone throughout all his pursuits. I mean, who WOULD believe him?? He had spent over $3000 trying to get laid, had left the house on at least two occasions to meet up with someone, and had been at it for at least nine months. So, when he realized this girl was a hooker and not a lost person, he spontaneously combusted and did it to get back at me for not believing him. Typical behaviour for a sex addict who was not in recovery.

June 2010 - a week after he has hired the hooker, we make love for the first time since D day. He then refuses to have sex with me for a month, citing a 'yeast infection' which he says he may have gotten from me, or 'psoriasis' which he has on other parts of his body. I even go on the internet searching out the medication the dr. puts him on and how to 'cure' whatever he has. Meanwhile, he gets STD tested in secret and when he gets the all clear we resume having sex.

July-Aug 2010 - we continue counseling, things go well, we spend more and more time together and decide he can move back home, which he does at the end of August.

Sep-Oct-Nov 2010 - I think we're doing really well together

D day#2 Nov 6 2010 - he tells me about hiring the hooker when I confront him with a letter from his work computer addressed to Juliana, which I found just going through his documents. I hadn't had access to his work computer till now, and he gave it to me to have a look through. The document had been created back in Sept 2009. This is also the first I hear of Juliana and him paying money to have sex with her - till now he claimed the money he sent her was because he felt sorry for her and her dying father, there was no admittance of intent to meet up with her till now. As a result of my freak out at him at this point, he finally admits he has a sex addiction and starts going to Sex Addicts Anonymous, which he still attends.

This revelation occurred on a trip, and when we get home I make him get rid of the couch he got the blow job on. He does so without a peep.

That was the end of the revelations. I sometimes call Nov 6/10 Dday#2, although he hadn't done anything since June. I also consider June 12 to Nov 6 to be a period of false reconciliation.

Reconciliation is HARD. Really really hard. Sometimes something happens that throws me right back to March 13 2010 and I am a basket case for a few days. Sometimes we fight and I feel hopeless. But the good days outweigh the bad by more and more as time goes on. People ask me how I can live with someone who did what he did. But that isn't the question. The question I had to answer for myself was, do I want to live without him? And do I believe he can change?

He has changed, and every way has been for the better. He is far more relaxed and calm now than before, even before he cheated. He seems more comfortable in his own skin. He jokes around a lot now - he hardly ever did before. Our marriage was in BIG trouble and we both knew it was. He chose to cheat. I chose to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything was fine. Neither of us made the right choice. Dday was a wake up call for us both and we're taking advantage of it to the fullest.

He has done everything a truly remorseful wayward needs to in order to reconcile. He realizes what he did and doesn't EVER want to do it again. He reads, attends his group, we both attend MC, we talk. We spent the summer of 2011 'reconnecting by camping' as he likes to say - we camped 35 days from June till September. He's thrown himself at my mercy and proven he's in it for the long haul.

Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to. Our computers are side by side. I don't feel sneaky spying on him either. I've never had the ability to do all this before and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. And that is a good feeling for me, despite what others say about it being debasing to feel you have to do that all the time. I felt like that before but I couldn't do it. Now I can and that's a relief.

Of course he could still be chatting it up at work with someone or calling them or whatever. He could be erasing his browser history again, although I think I've learned enough to be able to tell if he did this. But it gets to the point where you have to put things in their hands once again and see what happens. He knows that if he EVER does anything like what he did before our marriage is toast, so if he does, I will have a clear conscience. It also helps for me to know that I am perfectly fine on my own - I've been a single mom twice in my life and have done very well. So I don't depend on him.

Which means that I am with him by choice, not because I feel I have no other choice. I see BS's on here all the time who sound like they stay only because they feel trapped, and what kind of life would that be? I genuinely do love him, but it isn't a clingy dependent kind of love. I love him for who he is, the fun we have, the great sex, the tenderness and attention he gives me, his blue blue eyes, and his hairy chest. If I didn't I wouldn't be with him.

Since Nov 6/10 we have made a point of doing something romantic at LEAST once a month. We get a hotel, have a candlelight dinner, make art together go to the mountains, whatever. We like to buy those daily deal things for massages, saunas, that kind of thing and have new experiences together.

In October 2012 I decided to confront my worst trigger, and booked a room for two nights for the two of us at the Westin, the hotel where he had gone and sat in the bar and waited to meet with Jhanna and go up to her room with her. Exposure therapy works very VERY well for me!!

There are two reasons I think our R is so successful so far. I say so far because I don't believe it will ever be 'over'. We will always be living post-affair. It's like living after a war or the death of a loved one or a cataclysmic event like 911. Everything gets talked about as 'before' or 'after'.

Anyway. Two reasons. The first is that I let him go, or rather kicked him out. I was DONE. I hated him and never wanted to lay eyes on him again. What he did spelled the end of our marriage. This freed me up to work on myself. I went to IC and changed some things up around the house and lived with just the kids again (I was also a single mom for 7 years when they were little) and I realized that I actually liked it. I liked myself and I liked my life. This in turn led to the discovery that, if I had the choice, I actually DID want him in my life. I actually did love him. This surprised me, because it was a complete 180 from the way I felt on D day. So I decided that we would try R.

The second reason is the way he is now. There is VERY little he hasn't done that a WS should and needs to do. He owns his sh!t. He works hard every day to help me recover and to keep our marriage getting better. And he does it all with an attitude of remorse. He doesn't balk at what he needs to do. Even this long past the first Dday I can tell him that something triggered me and he is apologetic and fusses over me. The fact he is this way has meant that I can be that way with him too, when he needs me to be.

Some books that I like to recommend to others

For General Marriage Help (not only for couples going through infidelity:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love LanguagesŪ has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

About Infidelity

Not Just Friends
"NOT "Just Friends" is the first book to shatter popular assumptions about infidelity, including: a happy marriage is insurance against infidelity; the betrayed partner must have ignored obvious clues; and the unfaithful partner was compensating for emotional or sexual deprivation in the marriage......Dr. Glass's scientific approach to infidelity is unique in its treatment of the betrayed partner's shock as a trauma. She helps couples cope with post-traumatic reactions and recover from the emotional roller coaster that follows deception, suspiciousness, and the shock of revelation."

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
"The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how to:
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again."

For cybersex/sex addiction

In the Shadows of the Net
"As Internet usage has exploded in recent years, so has the prevalence of compulsive online sexual behavior--a problem first addressed five years ago by Patrick Carnes and coauthors of the breakthrough book, In The Shadows of the Net. Updated with the latest information, trends, and developments, the second edition equips readers with specific strategies for recognizing and changing compulsive sexual behaviors. Personal stories reveal how desperate life can become for online sex addicts--divorce, career loss, and financial ruin are common outcomes. More importantly the authors set forth a path for breaking free from compulsive online sexual behavior and sustaining lifelong recovery."

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
"Sexual addictions and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted. They receive little empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, often shocked and isolated by the trauma. Barbara Steffens' groundbreaking new research shows that partners are not codependents but post-traumatic stress victims, while Marsha Means' personal experience provides insights, strategies, and critical steps to recognize, deal with, and heal partners of sexually addicted relationships. Firsthand accounts and stories reveal the impact of this addiction on survivors' lives."

Last edited by Hope1964; 10-16-2013 at 04:24 PM.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-27-2011, 08:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 128
Default Re: Hello

This post makes me smile and despite what others have said to me (not on here), to keep holding out hope. There was no infidelities had on my end....but the easiest way to explain it is that I pushed my H too far with negativity, lack of sex, complaints, etc......and now that I've been able to get myself back together I am working to get US back together ---- however he has used the word loved (past tense) in a conversation which worries me --- and "might have" found an apt. (I am currently with my mom, while he is at our home). He has mentioned that he doesn't feel things won't revert back to bad with us -- but we have both grown so much....and I am just trying.....
JennaLynne is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 10:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,262
Default Re: Hello

Good for you!!
We are experiencing the same thing.

Or are you my wife???
DanF is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 10:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,663
Default Re: Hello

Hah, maybe I am!! I keep wondering if I am going to run into my hubby somewhere on line sometime, but since online stuff got him in trouble, he isn't supposed to be on any kind of social networking or bulletin board or chat site at all. So if you ARE my hubby, you are in trouble
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 10:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
HappyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 271
Default Re: Hello

Glad to hear you are doing well...marriage has more twists and turns than a country road.
BTW, do you know why the infidelity happened?
HappyAtLast is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 11:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,663
Default Re: Hello

Well, our marriage was crappy, he chose to go elsewhere for intimacy and I chose to hope everything would magically go away. He made a really bad choice when faced with the problems we were having. We're working through the problems together now and not separately.

I think it's hugely important to make the distinction between the fact our marriage was crappy and the fact he cheated. Him cheating is 100% on him and I will not take any responsibility whatsoever for that. The fact our marriage was crappy is on both of us, and it's what we are working on now, together. He had to work on himself (and still is) to deal with the choice he made to cheat. We couldn't be where we are today if both those things weren't being addressed.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 11:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,262
Default Re: Hello

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Hah, maybe I am!! I keep wondering if I am going to run into my hubby somewhere on line sometime, but since online stuff got him in trouble, he isn't supposed to be on any kind of social networking or bulletin board or chat site at all. So if you ARE my hubby, you are in trouble
Well, I haven't been banned from the internet, so I guess we're both safe.
DanF is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-04-2011, 10:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 48
Default Re: Hello

Thanks for your post. You are right marriage is a road of twists, turns, curves, sharp curves!!!! I think its a daily commitment on both partners to make it work. Of course there are days one gives more than the other, etc., but its up to both to acknowlegde your mistakes and to work them out together. I think its very important to take "ownership" in what you did or didn't do to make your marriage work or not work. Not blaming, ownership. There is definitely a difference.

Its nice to see that couples can different apart but ultimately find their way back home again!
SUZIWORD is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-13-2011, 12:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 64
Default Re: Hello

As they say, "It takes two to tango!". Im in the same situation too. But working on my self first. I have lot of issues w/c i know i should tackle on my own. She has hers but it 's for her to figure out. But on the other side, Im also working for a better "marriage" as they say. I wish my wife would see it as an old/dead marriage and Im building a new one for ME and for HER. Its easier said than done, but I will keep on trying. I have to learn things the hard way but I am acknowledging the (my) problem and MY faults. I will just take one day at a time. Time heals all wounds as they say, but for how long, thats I dont know....
kekel1123 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-14-2011, 12:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: smithfield,NC
Posts: 4
Default Re: Hello

I have been married for 20yrs and in the relationship for almost 23 yrs, It is my second marriage. I suffer wth depression and anxiety I have seeked counceling and I am also on meds. The first 20yrs of our relationship was wonderful , he was on the road most of it we have three children 20, 17 and 8, so I have been astay at home mo m most of it , The last year and a half has been rocky he recently left me for 6mths and then decided to come back home after hearing I had started to date which I didnot want to do in the first place but my therapist and friends told me I had to move on as he had clearly told me it was over , when he came back everything was wonderful we started communicating and we even renewwd our vows , sex has never been an issue we have always had a great sex life and even through the seperation continued, He has now left me again thinking I was unfaithful during our seperation and he cant get past that the truth is I have been true to my husband the entire relationship never to even think about being with someone in that way, he says now he wants to be friends he hasnt given up on us but it will be a long time before we can have any kind of relationship,although he doesnt mind occasional visits , I am devastated wanting him to believe my faithfulness he says I have taken his happiness and manhood away, he feels he has to seek someone else for that , I have been with him 23yrs and I cant make him feel that newness he wants to feel , can anyone give me help or hope?
one day at a time is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-17-2011, 01:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CO
Posts: 58
Default Re: Hello

What was he doing the six months you guys were separated? Did he see anyone else during that time? I'm not sure what he expects. Did you guys have an agreement during that time that you both would not see anyone else?
tmbirdy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-17-2011, 03:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: smithfield,NC
Posts: 4
Default Re: Hello

yes he did see someone else . their relationship grew a lot stronger then any of the two men I saw ,I wanted my husband back and anyone I went out with knew this and knew there would never be anything between us more then friends but i didnot gain a friendship from either one of these men we didnt even date just met.he constantly told me it was over and I needed to move on.but when he came back he couldnot handle the thought of me being with someone else, as I said in my earlier post we renewed vows and he told me he was totally committed to me and doing whatever it took to make it work. Now he has left again and says he is never coming back, but still tells me he still hasnt given up. I am so in love with this man and dont know which way to turn I was never unfaithful to him but somehow he just doesnt want to believe or trust me .
one day at a time is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-17-2011, 04:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: CO
Posts: 58
Default Re: Hello

Okay, I am going to be honest and tell you my opinion. Something seems fishy to me. He had a relationship with another woman with whom he most undoubtedly slept with, and now he can't get over you being with someone else when you were just friends with these other men? He left again and tells you that he's not giving up on the relationship. So basically what I see here is that he wants to keep you all wrapped up into him while at the same he tries to pursue another relationship and just in case that one does not work out, then come back "home" when he is good and ready, if he really does come back. It's not that he can't take what you did, but he knows how much pleasure he got out of his relationship and was jealous that you might have had the same pleasure. Also, he is trying to blame shift on you so he does not have to feel any guilt for what he's done and what he is about to do. I know I am speculating the scenario here, but this is just not right at all.
If I were you, I would not spend anymore time waiting on this man. You deserve to be loved and have a fulfilling relationship. I know you love him deeply and this must hurt like hell, but this is not fair, loving, honest or respectful to you at all. When someone really wants to work on their relationship they don't find reasons to leave. Keep your head up and go out and date. There are some good guys out there.
tmbirdy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-17-2011, 07:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: smithfield,NC
Posts: 4
Default Re: Hello

I must be totally stupid or something b/c he says he didnt sleep wth this woman , close but as they say no cigar, and I believed him told him I didnt even want to know what happened between him and this woman it was in the past and I just wanted to work on the present and our future, but he still believes I slept wth this man and has said he has talked to the man and he even told him he slept wth me,I cant prove it I have told him I would take a lie detecter , swear on a bible and I have already swore on our own childrens life and he still believes some ******* he has never met b/4 against his wife that has been faithful and true for 23yrs. So with that being all said I dont know what else to prove my loyalty.
one day at a time is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-16-2012, 11:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,663
Default Re: Hello

I do know that, but thanks for your input anyway! It's nice to have what I discovered confirmed
__________________
Our R

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope
You only lose what you cling to.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:59 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.