Got your PM. Thanks.
I've had a quick read over your posts. This isn't the first time you've separated from him since you've been on TAM. 2014 and again now. Yet you insist you want to be able to make to old age together. I'm not sure how this is possible, given the repeated separations and posts about how badly, abusively he behaves.
I wonder if you want something that's just not achievable. You want him to be a nice guy. You want to be happy, with him. Which I 'get', but, is that possible? You're both in 'T' as you call it, and working on some deep issues. And need to continue to do so.
It's great that you've figured out that individual 'T' is the way to go. Marriage counselling won't do anything for you if you're not working on yourselves. As the issues you bring to the marriage are your own. You need to own yours, and he his. You cannot, as much as you want to, 'fix' him. And vice versa.
From some of the things you've said, I don't think he's mad at you as such. He's mad at himself, his demons. Unfortunately you're the target when they plague him. Which I can relate to. Right now he needs the time and space to fight those demons, without the distraction of you. He has to direct that energy inwardly, towards his own pain, not outwardly, inflicting it on you.
Also, I wonder if you're 'expecting' that kind of treatment. You've said you had a lot of abuse in your past. Is there a part of you that thinks, due to how you were treated, that you 'deserve' to be treated badly? That somehow what happened to you was your own 'fault' (it wasn't) and that this is all you are (it isn't), that you don't deserve more (you do). Also, if you don't get back together, that is was your fault (it wasn't).
Put those two personalities together, and you have already seen what happens. As did we. It took us separating to finally work on our own individual issues, rather than trying to fix 'us'.
AFTER a lot of work had been put in, we began to relearn, from scratch things we'd forgotten. Trust, respect, communication, forgiveness, understanding of where the other was coming from, and putting aside old habits/coping mechanisms.
Only you know for sure if and when he's changing. Whether you can open up to him, a little at a time. Allow a little trust. Just a little.
But, IMO, from what you've said, neither of you are ready to try anything more than 'dating' yet. Go back to basic's. Date each other. Get together, coffee or dinner, on occasion. Just talk. Build communication. If this is going to be the beginning of a new relationship, MAKE it a new relationship. Get to know each other all over again.
And expect it to take a LONG time. There will be triggers, flashbacks, glimpses of the 'old marriage'. Learn to work through them, see them for what they are and grow from them.
That's all I've got for now. I wish you well. You were right that a LOT of TAM stories don't end well. I hope you can be one of the good ones.