can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-03-2016, 08:17 AM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

If you do go back, hang on to your current living situation (or have another lined up) in case you need to leave again quickly. Even if he is sincere in working on things, he is going to have anger and resentment - the key is whether he can keep those under control and eventually get over them.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #32 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-03-2016, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

The advice from my T was to continue to keep the house I was renting for at least 6 months, longer if I am uncertin. She seems to think I will know for sure if things are going to work or not. With the holidays coming and the stress that comes with that. Then in January and February the depression that sometimes occurs after the holidays, I will surely know by then.

We have a back up plan. The T has two of my kids in T, separate from me. If anything alarming comes up then she will help me leave. The first plan is what is in the best interest of my children. My little girl is not so sure about returning. She is a child, she wants to but not he other hand she doesn't want to. She asked me what would happen if we started arguing agian, and her daddy made me cry again. I told her we might argue like she does with her brother, and I might cry like she does when her brother is aggravating, but if her daddy is aggravating a lot or makes me cry a lot, then we are moving. She wanted to know if she could have friends over, I told her absolutely she could. Her concern was that her daddy was nto going to let her have visitors. I told her things are going to be different now, He WILL allow her to have visitors or we will nto stay .She wanted to know was he going to make her get rid of her cat, and I told her no, If he doesn't want to keep the cat then he is not going to keep us, we will move.

The T said that was my golden key . The key to an end. If I need to leave then my response to him is "I made a promise to that little girl adn I intend on keeping that promise."

The other option is the T and I simply tell my H that it is not going to work. Then she helps me leave. We do have to be realist and be prepared for the worst case senerio. In the event that things are very bad the T will tell my H that she is going to report him to social services and the kids will be taken, she is not really going to take them. She is going to give me the option to move me and them away from there dad. It is unlikely that will happen. But you do have to be prepared for the unthinkable. In the event that she says leave and I do not though she will report to social services. She has my best interest in mind, and she has cares greatly for children. She is the best T in the world. I feel safe moving forward into this.

My H has done a lot of T over the past year and she ok wit home going back and that has been the goal for a long time. The T and I agreed a year ago if she didn't think it was a good idea then I would listen to her. Only after her recommendation that she thought it was safe and he had changed should I even begin to consider returning. I feel like I am doing the right thing. It is a hard thing to do, but it is the right thing.
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post #33 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

I have been praying for you & your husband. Please see him with clear eyes, not thru the lenses of bad experiences with prior men. Hold him accountable for ONLY the things he has done or is doing. And if he has asked for forgiveness for past actions, and is not currently doing them, let it go.
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post #34 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Thank you so much. I am trying real hard to let the past be the past and the future is what is ahead. You can't change the past. The future is hte only thing that matters. HE has done some changing. Not sure it is enough changing, but we will cross that bridge when we get there if we need to.

I could have never gone back to him if I let the past rule and continued to live in the past. How can someone go back to a person who has abused them for years. (well I know they can, I did it for years) but this time is different. I am going back with the understanding that the past was just one bad nightmare, and will never happen again. The future looks bright, and I am ready to press forward .

I am being a realist though, and am fully prepared for a "honeymoon phase" and the fact that the past could become a reoccurring reality. I have my T and she is going to be working with us very closely to help avoid these pitfalls and help us sort out things that go wrong, and head us back in the right direction. It is good to know that we have the T to watch, help, and protect if need be.
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post #35 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

One other thought occurred to me today. Did I read in your story that you were raped & did not tell your husband about it when you got married?

A part of his anger may come from feeling deceived and powerless. He wants to be intimate with you and yet cannot because of something he had/has not control over.

I went thru this with my wife. She refused to talk to a T, yet had not problem saying NO based on her past experiences with someone else.

This may be something he needs to talk to T about without your present.
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post #36 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Yes that is correct. I have talked to my T. What started out as MC turned into individual T. Then it was a mix of both. My H was fairly close minded about the whole trigger and PTSD thing. He didn;t really believe it existed. I mean how can a smell or a request or a position make you have flashbacks .In his mind that was nto possible. But believe me, IT IS!!!

We worked with the T a lot. It just happens to be that my H is a very black and white thinker, mostly because he has an autistic spectrum disorder, Aspergers, to boot. He is nto exactly understanding about this, but at least now he believes it is real. When I left a year ago, he was unsure of what to do and got angry when that subject came up. Hopefully after being seperate fr a year he will be more accommodating. I know it has done me a world of good to get away from the pressure to have sex. I hope that the work I have done in the year away from my marriage has helped repair some of hte damage done.

I have been back home a week now, things are going smoothly. I know there is a "honeymoon period" but after that when issues arise I hope we are able to work threw some of these things. The T will be there if when we need her to help us along. I jsut hope I never ever have to go threw this again. Leaving was hard enough the first time.
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