can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

The title should read: CAN U GO BACK AND NOT HAVE THE SO (significant other) HOLD LEAVING OVER YOUR HEAD.

Sorry about that SA is abuse or affair or who know what else, I meant Significant other.


I think my title says it all. I don;t really know how to reach out and get opinions. I just have this lingering concern that if I go back to my H there is going to be some harbored resentments.

I'll give u the short version of what is going on. I left my Husband 7 months ago. It was a total shock for him. There was a considerable amount of verbal and emotional abuse. We were married for 20 years. I have issues from the past that include CSA and rape. So that really added to our issues. I mentioned many times wanting to separate in the past year. The answer was always NO, or You will never make it with 3 kids and no income, or some other excuse to keep me there. So it should not have been a surprise when I finally left. I can only ask nicely and negotiate so many times before there is not longer a negotiation. My H wanted to know what would he have to do to have me not file for divorce. I told him leave me alone for 6 months. Get some T, and I get T as well. Then we goin for joint T and we will see how things go. We were in marriage T before all this happened, so we stuck with the same T so we wouldn't have to rehash all this crap with a new T. I have been gone for 7 months now. I have been in T and my H has been in T. We will start joint T eventually and if all goes well I will return and we will reconcile.

I get this vibe that he is still kinda mad that I left. I know it is a lot to say "when I come back you can't be mad, or "you can't harbor hard feelings and resentments". He does take some responsibility for what happened. He admits to being a little over the top. But there is no question it was abuse, not just a little over the top. So I did what I had to do in order to protect me and my kids. I was acting partially out of fear. Take the abuse I was enduring and then threaten to turn off the cell phones ,the landline phones and the internet and I am left defenceless and unable to alert the outside world if something really bad were to happen, was the next step. He was going to cut these things off. I was terrified. So I did act out of fear. Justifiable fear in my opinion. He never put his hands on me, and I didn;t allow him to put his hands on the kids. But he has come so close to many times. People ssnap sometimes, and I was afraid that would happen with him. In all reality I was being abused and my thinking was not exactly right, and he didn't hurt me, and I don't think he would hurt me, but the fear got the best of me.

What I don't want is for me to come home and be talked to in a hostile manner because he is still angry that I left and that he had to pay me child support and spousal support. I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years, so all my income has always come from him. He gives me gas money and grocery money and $50 spending money each month. (while we were married) Now that we are not married or are separated he is giving me 150 more then he was when I was at home. So it is really not that big of an additional financial burden. I am living off of what grocery and gas money for a month living with him could buy, and now I am not living with him but getting barely more then I was when I was living with him. If that makes any since. I jsut don't want to go back and have this thrown in my face.

My question is if you were or have been in the past, responsible for spousal support and child support and your SA returned... did you harbor ill feelings or do you think you would. If you are the wife ( or H in some cases) and you returned, did you SA harbor ill feelings and hold that over your head. Any input on how you did handle that or how you would handle that or opinions on this mater are welcome.


Last edited by Big Mama; 03-12-2016 at 01:43 PM. Reason: i can't spell
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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 08:25 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Big Mama, You are focused on the wrong issues. This is not about whether he will harbor any ill will if you return. The question is, "What has he done to assure you that he will no longer be abusive?" and back to the same old patterns that led you to leave in the first place. Let him prove that he has changed. If he truly has changed, he will recognize that there is no place to blame you for leaving and him having to pay extra support.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Thank you. I am still fearful, but hopefully in time that will go away. I am working in T to be trusting but not naive. You are right hoperully he will recognize there is no place for blame. Not either of us. A new start requires a fully NEW start.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

You neglected to mention what he does that is abusive (I am not acquainted with any of your previous posts). You said he threatened to turn off the phones and internet, but that by itself means very little.

So as it stands, I'm not sure whether you're over-reacting and being irrational. Or whether your actions were entirely appropriate.

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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Hang in there. The most difficult part is making the decision to separate and then following through with it. Take care of yourself and take the time you need to really consider what you want. I am glad that he is at least still providing support. To me, that shows some hope. But, take your time. Be deliberate and be careful. Don't go back too soon. Don't believe his words. Believe only his actions. God bless.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

What type of abuse?

50 bucks spending money???? Crap, my wife spends that at Starbucks....in a week. What's his problem?

Unless you feel comfortable and safe...why would you consider going back?

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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:25 PM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Abusers rarely if ever...change. Don't let his scare tactics of 'no income and three kids' cause you to come back to an abuser. If he didn't want to abuse you, he would not have. People can lose their tempers, people can have bad days...weeks. We are all human. But abuse is different, and since you're classifying it as such, to me? There is not much hope that he means what he says. Abusers are masters at manipulating to get what they want..which is their victim back in their rightful spot. My advice, is to stop hoping you can change an abuser, and stay focused on your kids and finding a better new life. He has conditioned you to thinking you can't do better than him...trust me, you can.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 03:49 AM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

I would guess the issue of fidelity is the biggest issue in his mind. Was this issue ever raised ? If so is it settled? Understand you issues need to be settled but his does too.

I understand the long term success rates (when both couples want to reconcile) for a wife taking back a WH is around 30 percent. For a husband with a WW it is around 10 percent.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 05:03 AM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Your hb is abusive. Period. That is unlikely to change.

There's a very good chance that if you go back he will continue to be abusive.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 05:39 AM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Why are you going back?


If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:50 AM
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

Big Mama, I did not allow my H back into my space until he realized fully how to be safe around me and our son. It was no longer on me to manage my fear. Do you want to know why? Because I had already worked through every last bit of irrational fear and was down to 100% rational reasonable fear. It is not my job to manage my rational fear to the degree that I make him comfortable in abusive attitudes. Otherwise I'm conditioning myself to accept abuse. If you are fearing his attitude, it means you are picking up on a remaining underlying abusive attitude and I would not return until you know its gone, resolved, addressed. That is rational reasonable and SHOULD give you pause. I would be very adamant and direct.

"I am not returning until you've learned proper loving attitudes towards me, otherwise I will only be placing myself in harms way, and I can no longer do that. And if it is not learned I will not be returning, so don't expect it."

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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
You neglected to mention what he does that is abusive (I am not acquainted with any of your previous posts). You said he threatened to turn off the phones and internet, but that by itself means very little.

So as it stands, I'm not sure whether you're over-reacting and being irrational. Or whether your actions were entirely appropriate.
Ok. What did he do that was so abusive. Well he never laid a hand on me or the kids. Let me start off with that. He would raise his voice and then stand almost touching me and look downwards at me (he is a foot taller then me). He would bump into me "by accident" as he walked past. He would argue with me and stand blocking the doorway so that I had to ASK him to move. He stood where he knew I needed to be. I was afraid to ask him to move, like making coffee and I needed to get a spoon out of the drawer. He has OCD as well. I remember him yelling "Yall get in here, who didn't pick this debbie cake wrapper up and put it in the trash. YALL, that in included me, yall was me to, and he would line us all up and someone would have to admit to it. He would have me and the kids pick up dirty gravel out of the driveway, he would have us clean fly spit off the windows. I remember washing some grease off teh grass outside. I spilled some cooking oil on the grass while I was walking to pour it out over the fence. We had made french fries the yummy way

He didn't like me talking on the phone after he got home, he didn't like me using the computer to talk to people, he didn't like me visiting with my family, he didn't want me hanging out with people because WE didn't have time or the energy to invest in friendships.

In his defence, you have no idea the kind of abuse I went threw before I met him and we got married. I have HSP. (Highly sensitive personality) I have sensory issues in regards to sound everything sounds like it is x10. I have issues with personal space as well. I need lots and lots of it. I'm a "Please don't stand so close to me" kinda person. I also cry very easily because I get triggered. My fight, flight and freeze response goes off with very little reason.

My H has learned to set in the floor when have intense discussions. That way i am at a height advantage. He has learned to set across the room when we have discussions. He doesn't get any where near the door. He has followed through with these things for over a year. That is why I do believe he is capable of change.

At the end of our relationship, we just were not getting along at all. The bills were barely getting paid and he wanted the landline phone cut off and the internet threw the landline cut off. It was a constant issue that I was using the computer instead of talking to him. I was using it to avoid him. (again, I am not faultless in this marriage) Those were some biggies. But he also wanted the cell phone cut off. He was going out of business and we were no longer going to have the business pay for cell phones, but he was not going to get me a phone. He was going to leave me at home all day with no phone. What if I fell and got hurt. He was going to leave me at home with little children and no phone. That just not wise. I get that he was also triggered over finances. His control of that stuff came from a place of fear, financial fear. My leaving came out of a place of fear to though. Abuse was a common theme and no phone and no internet, no way to talk to the outside world, was not something I was ready to embrace. We live in the country. It's not like I can go outside and talk to my neighbor. I can't even see one neighbors house from mine. i might can yell to my other neighbors house and they maybe can here me if they happen to be outside.

That is hte bulk of hte issues in the past few years. I do think he is teachable and trainable. He may also have aspergers. IT makes him a very black and whit thinker. It makes him not have the ability to think of others feeling the way we do. It makes him oblivious to a lot of social things. Like DON'T STAND TO CLOSE, or say excuse me instead of "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY" . When these things are brought to his attention he is usually able to change them and eventually recognize that was not the correct way to handle things.

So that is it in a nut shell. Like I said I am at fault here to. I came with a lot of baggage to. I have my share of contributions to the issues to,
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

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What type of abuse?

50 bucks spending money???? Crap, my wife spends that at Starbucks....in a week. What's his problem?

Unless you feel comfortable and safe...why would you consider going back?
Prior to leaving $900 was for groceries for a family of 5 for a month and for gas for a month, plus 50 spending.

Now that I am gone he give me 150 more then that. for me and two kids.

I was comfortable there. The house was new. We designed and built it ourselves. It was ours, the lights never got turned off, and neither did the phone because the bills were not paid. We always had groceries and we never went hungry. We always had clothes to wear.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

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I would guess the issue of fidelity is the biggest issue in his mind. Was this issue ever raised ? If so is it settled? Understand you issues need to be settled but his does too.

I understand the long term success rates (when both couples want to reconcile) for a wife taking back a WH is around 30 percent. For a husband with a WW it is around 10 percent.
Fidelity was never an issue. He didn't have another woman on the side. We were both faithful to each other. Even since we have been separated. If he drink, drugged or cheated or hit me, those were the things I would leave and never return for. Those have not happened.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: can u go back and not have the SA hold leaving over your head

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Big Mama, I did not allow my H back into my space until he realized fully how to be safe around me and our son. It was no longer on me to manage my fear. Do you want to know why? Because I had already worked through every last bit of irrational fear and was down to 100% rational reasonable fear. It is not my job to manage my rational fear to the degree that I make him comfortable in abusive attitudes. Otherwise I'm conditioning myself to accept abuse. If you are fearing his attitude, it means you are picking up on a remaining underlying abusive attitude and I would not return until you know its gone, resolved, addressed. That is rational reasonable and SHOULD give you pause. I would be very adamant and direct.

"I am not returning until you've learned proper loving attitudes towards me, otherwise I will only be placing myself in harms way, and I can no longer do that. And if it is not learned I will not be returning, so don't expect it."
True. The fact that I am still fearful says i am not ready to return. I have learned a lot in T and so has he. The understanding when I left was that I will return only if He goes to T faithfully, (and me to) and if eventually we do joint T, and we will stay in joint T even after I return. We are using the same T we started with a few years ago, that has dealt with my traumatic past, did his psych evaluations, and worked on some joint marriage T with us as well. I have told my H and the T both I will not return until she, the T, thinks it is safe. When she thinks he has made changes, I have made changes and we have made changes as a couple, then and only then will I go back. If the T says ya know, he is jsut resistant to change, then I will not go back. If I still have to much of my own personal junk to work on then returning will be delayed. If she sees that we are just not a good fit and this will not work then I will not go back based on her opinion.
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