Winning her back! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Winning her back!

This is my first post, my wife kicked me out of the house at the end of January. We have both done many things to one another throughout our 5 year relationship. In the beginning I was very in again off again with her, while she gave me her complete devotion and tried so very hard to keep me interested. Well it worked. Throughout most of our marriage we have had to live with family. My family tends to be a bit overprotective and very mean to significant others. I allowed my family to verbally and emotionally abuse her for a very long time. I didn't know how to handle the situation, should I take my families side or that of my wife. Needless to say I know the answer now. After I let this go on for so long she became somewhat distant and a few months later I was told she had cheated numerous times. I forgave her but never truly forgot. More affairs happened and I even had a few brief encounters, though never sexual, with other women. When we finally started getting better I was the one to continue making mistakes. I was distrustful of her, and constantly nagging her whenever she was gone without me. I objectified her and made it seem like all I wanted was sex. I got so bad that the intimate moments we did have were ruined by my addiction for more sex. And when I was not satisfied I would accuse her of things and be hateful. After her enduring this for so long I understand what made her drift away again. She apologized for her actions but I never did until today.

So after being apart for less than 2 months she has a new boyfriend. From what I have gathered just in talking it seems like she only has him around to make her comfortable and to make me jealous.

Today when bringing our children back to her, I was able to have a brief conversation. The past week I have been blowing up her phone for no apparent reason pouring out the same mindless crap over and over. I wanted her to see me face to face. I wanted her to see that I meant business and that I would be the husband she always knew I would be. She was rather dismissive but at the same time I saw in her eyes that she cares still, no matter how many times she says she doesn't live me anymore I can see different.

I need to know how I can prove my love to her without being there with her. I want her to see I am the man she fell in love with again. I have done so many things tobher that I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but everything in me says to keep fighting. I just know that the way I have been going about it is more problematic than helpful. I'm nagging and not giving her the space she needs. I just don't know how much space is enough, how do I know what to say and how to say it without going overboard.

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 07:59 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

Sorry my friend.

You are doing what is referred not to is the "pick me dance". It rarely ends well.

Your wife is having sex with another man and you are begging her to come back to you.

I'll leave it at that but my guess is others will follow and tell you the same things in probably more eloquent words than me.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

How many kids and what are their ages? I feel sorry for them.

OP, why did you have to live with your family and why, as a man, did you allow them to abuse your wife?
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 08:42 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

[So after being apart for less than 2 months she has a new boyfriend. From what I have gathered just in talking it seems like she only has him around to make her comfortable and to make me jealous. ]

First of all you are in denial. She has moved on.

Blowing up here phone will get you nowhere. Words are cheap. Actions are what speak.

From you're post you need to learn from this and move on like she has.

I doubt you can fix this now but you definitely need to work on yourself.
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 11:32 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

Are you sure you two love each other? Sounds like your actions on both of your parts paint a different picture.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 12:02 AM
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Re: Winning her back!

Why?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

You lost me at your avatar pic.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Winning her back!

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
How many kids and what are their ages? I feel sorry for them.

OP, why did you have to live with your family and why, as a man, did you allow them to abuse your wife?
My children are 3 and 4, my older son is not biologically mine and I haven't had the finances to adopt him. So it's been made clear to me he will be used to her advantage should I not do things how she wants them.

We had to live with family because of financial issues. Was more cost effective to split bilks than take in the whole thing alone. For almost all that time she was a stay at home mom while I worked full time.

And I have no good answer to why I let that happen. On one hand I didn't want to upset my family, and on the other I was mad about things that had happened throughout our relationship.

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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

Let me get this straight...you have a 5 year relationship with her and a 4 year old son that isn't biologically yours? So she had another man's child while being with you? Why do you want to be with her again?
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Winning her back!

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Are you sure you two love each other? Sounds like your actions on both of your parts paint a different picture.
I'm very sure that I love her, and I still see love in her eyes sometimes when I see her. I admit my mistakes are inexcusable, but I am trying to learn from the and want to be a better father and husband from what I've learned.

To add to the whole picture. We got married almost exactly a year after meeting, when she was pregnant with my youngest child. I didn't do the super romantic proposal that I should've, and she has always believed the only reason I married her and want to stay with her is because of the children and knowing my past of growing up in a single parent home.

This couldn't be further from the truth. I love my wife with every bit of me. But I've never been the best at showing that and have certainly not let my actions speak for it either.

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Winning her back!

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Originally Posted by ThreeStrikes View Post
You lost me at your avatar pic.
What does my avatar have to do with anything?

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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:16 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

From what you described I sure wouldn't want to compete for her, but to answer your original question. If you really want her you need to be the type of man she would want to be with. For example you could try to be successful, mature, independent, responsible, caring, financially stable, attractive/in-shape, etc. However, my guess is if you can improve yourself and be all of those things you'll have better opportunities to pick from than her.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Winning her back!

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
Let me get this straight...you have a 5 year relationship with her and a 4 year old son that isn't biologically yours? So she had another man's child while being with you? Why do you want to be with her again?
She was assaulted at a party before I met her. She was 6 months along when we started seeing each other. I have been in his life since the day he was born and claimed him as mine just as long. His biological father was never charged because of lack of evidence and has no part in his life

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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:23 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

Quote:
Originally Posted by asandefur25 View Post
My children are 3 and 4, my older son is not biologically mine
Quote:
Originally Posted by asandefur25 View Post
She was assaulted at a party before I met her. She was 6 months along when we started seeing each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by asandefur25 View Post
We have both done many things to one another throughout our 5 year relationship.
Sorry for my ignorance but the timing doesn't match. Either way, the answer you are looking for is to be a better version of you. Do the 180 and if she shows interest in getting back with you, then go find a good marriage counselor.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: Winning her back!

Quote:
Originally Posted by asandefur25 View Post
What does my avatar have to do with anything?

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Well, you had a shirtless selfie-pic as your avatar. On a marriage forum.

Anyways....

Neither of you seems capable of maintaining an emotionally mature relationship. My advice to you is to live alone and work on your issues with a competent IC.

Forget about "winning" anyone back. There's no such thing.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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