When do I tell him? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy When do I tell him?

Hey there, this is my first post, not sure where exactly this issues falls. Any advice would be great, sorry it's long, my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3. We are going through a separation right now, and I am living 90 miles away (we moved out of Houston to a smaller town and when I left the closest family was back in the city) we still talk somewhat regularly, though he has always been terrible about his phone. A little history about us, we got together pretty young, I was 21 he was 19. We moved in together before we ever dated and I had a boyfriend at the time, though I didn't cheat on him with Jared (he now husband). We have broken up before but always seem to come back to each other, i like to think it's because we just supposed to be together, but i don't know that it's all that healthy a habit to be in. Maybe we just met at the wrong time but really are meant for each other, I know he loves me, and I definitely love him. More than anything. About a year ago I left him because at the time, he was spending all his time gone with some terrible people, he was horrible to me (we were to each other) and never made me a priority or feel included. I was being driven crazy with trying to handle it and told him I wanted to stay with friends for the weekend. That weekend he went to his friends house and ended up getting so drunk he stayed the night on their couch - with his friends sister. There were two couches and a carpeted floor, they didn't need to sleep together. He says nothing happened that night, even if he was seriously considering it. When I get back he tells me what happened, naturally I'm very upset and I decided I should leave, so my mother came a few days later and helped me pack and I moved out. we don't talk for one week, and then slowly it starts. Eventually we meet up as time passes, my husband and I have always had a strong physical spark, and he stayed the night... So things started to look up after that, he was calling me everyday, texting back me back, telling me he missed me and loves me, the whole shebang. I couldn't have been happier obviously, (He then informed me that he had slept with the chick from before after I had left but before we started talking again. So within a few days) but I forgave him because he seemed so genuine (he begged me to stay) saying all the things I had always wanted to hear from him. So I forgave him and things were perfect for a while. Then we started arguing more, and just in general not getting along. I was spending more time on the computer and he was spending more time gone or outside. (He had stopped seeing the horrible people from before and finally has some good friends) anytime we had an issue, he would be very argumentative, taking everything I said the wrong way, leading us to a bigger screaming match (we never got physical, just loud) which would end usually with one of us stomping off while the other was still yelling. Usually, if he didn't leave to go to his friends house, he would go outside, come back 30+ min later acting like 'what's your problem?' As if he missed the big fight we just had. Again I was just being driven crazy and the more I tried to fix things the worse they seemed to get. Then he got a puppy, he insisted upon sleeping with the dog, I didn't want him in the bedroom on our bed while we slept (I wanted to be selfish with my husband because we've always been great cuddlers and I just didn't want a puppy free roaming in the bedroom at night) and neither of us would compromise on it. So he started sleeping on the extra bed with the dog instead of me, creating whole new issues as you can imagine. I took a lot of this as us being young and (especially for him) not ever being ready or on the same level as me for the relationship. I decided to leave...again. We are still separated, it has been a little over a month... We have talked somewhat regularly but I can't always tell how he is feeling about us or where exactly we are going... (Divorce, working out...) I don't think he wants a divorce, he has never said or acted like he does, but I also don't (or was less sure) of what he does what... He has started to talk to me more lately, acting more interested in talking to me. But before, when I was still very unsure of what we were doing and I didn't feel he cared or wanted to work things out or even missed me like I missed him, something happened. Something I would never ever normally do, something I always promised him would never ever happen. I slept with someone else. I was so upset and depressed and this guy seemed so nice and I truly didn't think we were going to reconcile, it was just nice to feel that way again. It wasn't going to happen and I certainly didn't plan it...there is nothing with this guy but I still feel horribly guilty. I'm not the kind of person that just hooks up, I've had few partners in my life and am proud of that, I feel so stupid for making this mistake, of course we were safe... But I mean, I have to tell my husband right? Especially if we really do work it out. I hate being dishonest and if he asks I can't lie to him. It would be so much worse if the truth came out before I told him. I wish I could go back and make a different decision, when do I tell him? Is it still cheating if I didn't think we would work it out? I'm sorry it's so long, I appreciate you reading this
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: When do I tell him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhannes08 View Post
We have broken up before but always seem to come back to each other, i like to think it's because we just supposed to be together, but i don't know that it's all that healthy a habit to be in.
Your relationship type would be the "volatile" type. They are characteristic of an AC waveform, high highs and low lows. It is typically a relationship that has a higher chance of early failure.
Quote:
Maybe we just met at the wrong time but really are meant for each other, I know he loves me, and I definitely love him. More than anything.
Love is a feeling. Giving love is action-oriented. They must work together, concomitantly. A lot of what you write about in this post is not love, but that doesn't mean you aren't in love. It just means that there are bad behaviors that are holding you two back.

Quote:
He says nothing happened that night, even if he was seriously considering it. When I get back he tells me what happened, naturally I'm very upset and I decided I should leave, so my mother came a few days later and helped me pack and I moved out. we don't talk for one week, and then slowly it starts.
Relationships can't take time apart. There still has to be some establishment of communication. That is why separations don't work.
Quote:
Eventually we meet up as time passes, my husband and I have always had a strong physical spark, and he stayed the night... So things started to look up after that, he was calling me everyday, texting back me back, telling me he missed me and loves me, the whole shebang. I couldn't have been happier obviously, (He then informed me that he had slept with the chick from before after I had left but before we started talking again.
He saw the separation as an opportunity to sleep around. You were using the separation as a time to collect your thoughts and cool down.

I did say volatile.

Quote:
So within a few days) but I forgave him because he seemed so genuine (he begged me to stay) saying all the things I had always wanted to hear from him. So I forgave him and things were perfect for a while.
True apologies are actions and honest intentions. Any person can beg. The historical root for an apology is apo + logia, which was a speech made in the accused defense. The problem is that many use apologies to eliminate the feeling of guilt, not necessarily to make a positive change from within their character.......which would be a truly apologetic gesture.
Quote:
Then we started arguing more, and just in general not getting along. I was spending more time on the computer and he was spending more time gone or outside. (He had stopped seeing the horrible people from before and finally has some good friends) anytime we had an issue, he would be very argumentative, taking everything I said the wrong way, leading us to a bigger screaming match (we never got physical, just loud) which would end usually with one of us stomping off while the other was still yelling.
It would take me at least 20,000 words to illuminate everything on this subject.

I am of the opinion that arguing is completely optional. I don't argue. Many will see that as being passive-aggressive, but what I do at home and what I advise individuals to do is far from P-A.

-Talk to each other.
-Respond and respect what they said, even if it disagrees with you or all known logic.
-Speak about the underlying issue. No distractions. No blame game.

Quote:
Usually, if he didn't leave to go to his friends house, he would go outside, come back 30+ min later acting like 'what's your problem?' As if he missed the big fight we just had. Again I was just being driven crazy and the more I tried to fix things the worse they seemed to get.
It is victim mentality being employed. It does take two to tango and you can de-escalate this if you have the right techniques and mindset. Negativity feeds off of negativity. That means that individuals use negativity to drive a response from their counterparty. It will continue as long as the counterparty has that negative emotional reaction and reciprocates.

Quote:
Then he got a puppy, he insisted upon sleeping with the dog, I didn't want him in the bedroom on our bed while we slept (I wanted to be selfish with my husband because we've always been great cuddlers and I just didn't want a puppy free roaming in the bedroom at night) and neither of us would compromise on it. So he started sleeping on the extra bed with the dog instead of me
This could probably have been solved with a discussion. Instead, I see him running off to the extra bed - playing victim.
Quote:
, creating whole new issues as you can imagine. I took a lot of this as us being young and (especially for him) not ever being ready or on the same level as me for the relationship. I decided to leave...again.
Leaving solves nothing. It can work, but you have to have a very rigid structure in place so that the relationship does not degrade, but actually works out the issues.

Quote:
We are still separated, it has been a little over a month... We have talked somewhat regularly but I can't always tell how he is feeling about us or where exactly we are going... (Divorce, working out...) I don't think he wants a divorce, he has never said or acted like he does, but I also don't (or was less sure) of what he does what... He has started to talk to me more lately, acting more interested in talking to me.
The increase in receptivity means very little if we don't work towards solving the underlying hostility.
Quote:
But before, when I was still very unsure of what we were doing and I didn't feel he cared or wanted to work things out or even missed me like I missed him, something happened. Something I would never ever normally do, something I always promised him would never ever happen. I slept with someone else. I was so upset and depressed and this guy seemed so nice and I truly didn't think we were going to reconcile, it was just nice to feel that way again. It wasn't going to happen and I certainly didn't plan it...there is nothing with this guy but I still feel horribly guilty. I'm not the kind of person that just hooks up, I've had few partners in my life and am proud of that, I feel so stupid for making this mistake, of course we were safe... But I mean, I have to tell my husband right?
Yes. Tell him. Make no excuse, even though he did the same thing before. Own your behavior, whether or not you stay with him.

I would immediately tell him. Do it in front of him. Let him get upset, it is his right and his responsibility. When he gets mad and angry, let this happen. Just listen. Don't try to logic and reason with him at this moment, either. Save the heavy relationship talk for when you two are calm and collected. You two will likely need to take some time apart after you tell him and give him a response. You have to come back to each other though. Give invitations and one-way communications so that the line of communication stays open.
Quote:
Especially if we really do work it out. I hate being dishonest and if he asks I can't lie to him. It would be so much worse if the truth came out before I told him. I wish I could go back and make a different decision, when do I tell him? Is it still cheating if I didn't think we would work it out? I'm sorry it's so long, I appreciate you reading this
I am of the opinion that it is not cheating as long as you two are intending and in the process of divorce. I didn't get the indication that there was direction, meaning that there was still the expectation of commitment from each of you.

There are a lot of maladaptive behaviors here. They can be resolved, but this cheating and counter-cheating just adds to the stress. To make this work, you both have to scrap everything you thought you knew about relationships. You will hear from many on this forum that you should run, not walk, to your nearest lawyer and file.

Can you give up the felt need to fight?
Can you put the past in the past?
Can you learn better relationship behavior? These same behaviors will haunt you and your husband in future relationships, as well, if nothing changes.

Good Luck


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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 12:35 PM
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Re: When do I tell him?

You two need to let each other go, this relationship is toxic.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When do I tell him?

I agree with you on many points and I appreciate our honestly. Though you must know I didn't do it because he cheated, honestly what happened is extremely out of character for me and at the time I was very unsure we were going to actually work anything out, it's still somewhat in the air... I would never do something like that to be spiteful. You are very right about being able to solve arguements in better ways, and I try, he just has a way of eating at my patience. I felt really ready to leave the situation I was in because I was extremely unhappy, but no, I don't think I'm ready to make the leap of actual divorce. We can communicate very well...when we BOTH are trying. He grew up in a veryyyy dysfunctional family life (a lot of chaos, a lot of moving around, family fights, cops called, parents being off/on in their relationship and a bat**** crazy mom, a lot of baggage attached to his family) I feel like this plays a role in our relationship (besides the fact that they are all close) it's like our relationship will be so good and then it will fall back in to chaos until we pull ourselves out of it.... Yeah I know it doesn't sound that great types out like this but... I love him. What can I say? Isn't part of loving someone accepting the less attractive sides and just not giving up on them as a person? I've never doubted he loved me... I just know he wasn't ready for me when he met me, even so we've always just kept going... Thanks for the advice. I know I will tell him, honestly I could never keep it from him. I just can't believe I put myself in this situation....
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 02:20 AM
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Re: When do I tell him?

The absolute worst thing you can do in this situation is follow the cheater code of lie, hide and deny. For him and yourself.

You need to do some deep thinking here. Do you want this long term????

It seems chaotic as hell.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 12:46 PM
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Re: When do I tell him?

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You need to do some deep thinking here. Do you want this long term????

It seems chaotic as hell.


I get chemistry, really I do. That's what is binding you two together. But it's toxic as hell. You both need some therapy to handle your issues. His to deal with your childhood and you to help him.

Don't bring any kids into the mix until you really get all of this figured out. If you do, you will repeat the childhood he had. Count on it. Being a dad will bring out things in him that will cause a repeat unless he's dealt with his demons. You don't want to be tied to that for the rest of your life.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-28-2016, 12:02 PM
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Hold off on telling him just yet. You need to decide what you want to do. If R is the plan, then you need to admit that you had a relationship outside of marriage, and you used protection. If you are moving on, then you can also tell him so that he understands what happened, for the next relationship.
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