We have broken up before but always seem to come back to each other, i like to think it's because we just supposed to be together, but i don't know that it's all that healthy a habit to be in.
Your relationship type would be the "volatile" type. They are characteristic of an AC waveform, high highs and low lows. It is typically a relationship that has a higher chance of early failure.
Maybe we just met at the wrong time but really are meant for each other, I know he loves me, and I definitely love him. More than anything.
Love is a feeling. Giving love is action-oriented. They must work together, concomitantly. A lot of what you write about in this post is not love, but that doesn't mean you aren't in love. It just means that there are bad behaviors that are holding you two back.
He says nothing happened that night, even if he was seriously considering it. When I get back he tells me what happened, naturally I'm very upset and I decided I should leave, so my mother came a few days later and helped me pack and I moved out. we don't talk for one week, and then slowly it starts.
Relationships can't take time apart. There still has to be some establishment of communication. That is why separations don't work.
Eventually we meet up as time passes, my husband and I have always had a strong physical spark, and he stayed the night... So things started to look up after that, he was calling me everyday, texting back me back, telling me he missed me and loves me, the whole shebang. I couldn't have been happier obviously, (He then informed me that he had slept with the chick from before after I had left but before we started talking again.
He saw the separation as an opportunity to sleep around. You were using the separation as a time to collect your thoughts and cool down.
I did say volatile.
So within a few days) but I forgave him because he seemed so genuine (he begged me to stay) saying all the things I had always wanted to hear from him. So I forgave him and things were perfect for a while.
True apologies are actions and honest intentions. Any person can beg. The historical root for an apology is apo + logia, which was a speech made in the accused defense. The problem is that many use apologies to eliminate the feeling of guilt, not necessarily to make a positive change from within their character.......which would be a truly apologetic gesture.
Then we started arguing more, and just in general not getting along. I was spending more time on the computer and he was spending more time gone or outside. (He had stopped seeing the horrible people from before and finally has some good friends) anytime we had an issue, he would be very argumentative, taking everything I said the wrong way, leading us to a bigger screaming match (we never got physical, just loud) which would end usually with one of us stomping off while the other was still yelling.
It would take me at least 20,000 words to illuminate everything on this subject.
I am of the opinion that arguing is completely optional. I don't argue. Many will see that as being passive-aggressive, but what I do at home and what I advise individuals to do is far from P-A.
-Talk to each other.
-Respond and respect what they said, even if it disagrees with you or all known logic.
-Speak about the underlying issue. No distractions. No blame game.
Usually, if he didn't leave to go to his friends house, he would go outside, come back 30+ min later acting like 'what's your problem?' As if he missed the big fight we just had. Again I was just being driven crazy and the more I tried to fix things the worse they seemed to get.
It is victim mentality being employed. It does take two to tango and you can de-escalate this if you have the right techniques and mindset. Negativity feeds off of negativity. That means that individuals use negativity to drive a response from their counterparty. It will continue as long as the counterparty has that negative emotional reaction and reciprocates.
Then he got a puppy, he insisted upon sleeping with the dog, I didn't want him in the bedroom on our bed while we slept (I wanted to be selfish with my husband because we've always been great cuddlers and I just didn't want a puppy free roaming in the bedroom at night) and neither of us would compromise on it. So he started sleeping on the extra bed with the dog instead of me
This could probably have been solved with a discussion. Instead, I see him running off to the extra bed - playing victim.
, creating whole new issues as you can imagine. I took a lot of this as us being young and (especially for him) not ever being ready or on the same level as me for the relationship. I decided to leave...again.
Leaving solves nothing. It can work, but you have to have a very rigid structure in place so that the relationship does not degrade, but actually works out the issues.
We are still separated, it has been a little over a month... We have talked somewhat regularly but I can't always tell how he is feeling about us or where exactly we are going... (Divorce, working out...) I don't think he wants a divorce, he has never said or acted like he does, but I also don't (or was less sure) of what he does what... He has started to talk to me more lately, acting more interested in talking to me.
The increase in receptivity means very little if we don't work towards solving the underlying hostility.
But before, when I was still very unsure of what we were doing and I didn't feel he cared or wanted to work things out or even missed me like I missed him, something happened. Something I would never ever normally do, something I always promised him would never ever happen. I slept with someone else. I was so upset and depressed and this guy seemed so nice and I truly didn't think we were going to reconcile, it was just nice to feel that way again. It wasn't going to happen and I certainly didn't plan it...there is nothing with this guy but I still feel horribly guilty. I'm not the kind of person that just hooks up, I've had few partners in my life and am proud of that, I feel so stupid for making this mistake, of course we were safe... But I mean, I have to tell my husband right?
Yes. Tell him. Make no excuse, even though he did the same thing before. Own your behavior, whether or not you stay with him.
I would immediately tell him. Do it in front of him. Let him get upset, it is his right and his responsibility. When he gets mad and angry, let this happen. Just listen. Don't try to logic and reason with him at this moment, either. Save the heavy relationship talk for when you two are calm and collected. You two will likely need to take some time apart after you tell him and give him a response. You have to come back to each other though. Give invitations and one-way communications so that the line of communication stays open.
Especially if we really do work it out. I hate being dishonest and if he asks I can't lie to him. It would be so much worse if the truth came out before I told him. I wish I could go back and make a different decision, when do I tell him? Is it still cheating if I didn't think we would work it out? I'm sorry it's so long, I appreciate you reading this
I am of the opinion that it is not cheating as long as you two are intending and in the process of divorce. I didn't get the indication that there was direction, meaning that there was still the expectation of commitment from each of you.
There are a lot of maladaptive behaviors here. They can be resolved, but this cheating and counter-cheating just adds to the stress. To make this work, you both have to scrap everything you thought you knew about relationships. You will hear from many on this forum that you should run, not walk, to your nearest lawyer and file.
Can you give up the felt need to fight?
Can you put the past in the past?
Can you learn better relationship behavior? These same behaviors will haunt you and your husband in future relationships, as well, if nothing changes.