Originally Posted by SeparationAnxiety View Post
..., and there was no cheating involved by either party (or any emotional affair, either). This is for all those who just grew apart over the years, due to kids, job, whatever...
I am in this boat right now. After more than two decades of faithful marriage (to the best of my knowledge), my wife notified me that she wants to get divorced and that there is no going back. This did not happen all of a sudden, she had been threatening it for years. I have been a fool and ignored these threats. Over the succeeding week I managed to convince her to at least do a trial separation first, as my last best effort to save the marriage. We have (young) teenage kids and this has been hard on them as well.
I can see that it is basically up to me now to enact change for the both of us, since she is still resolved that this will not work and divorce is inevitable. I am trying all I can to enable reconciliation in the not too distant future (months?).
Fortunately, I have been able to reconnect with her and at least am now able to engage her in meaningful conversation. Unfortunately, I made all of the classic mistakes in the beginning upon hearing the news (crying, begging, squirming, etc..., to get one more chance, please...). All that did was to strengthen her resolve (to divorce).
At this point, I am reading one book after another as our separation is about to come into effect over the coming weeks. We are still under the same roof for the time being, but are sleeping in different beds. Let me tell you right off the bat, good books with good advice have done wonders in guiding me on this path. I don't know where I would be without them!
Each day is a challenge and I am often overwhelmed with negative emotions of, "What if things don't work out and we actually do get divorced?" But, i am still optimistic and trying to save our marriage. Unfortunately, I know that there is no way I can convince her to get counseling in the interim. So, it's all up to me, to be the shoulder to lean on, the counselor, and to change myself in meaningful positive ways to be the man she wants. All of this is happening as she tells me that even if I become the perfect husband, our marriage is over, making this doubly, triply, hard.
A lot of the threads on here are about partners who have cheated. A lot of the advice given assumes cheating was involved, whether people want to believe it or not. Well, I can state with as much certainty as can be possible for a human being to have, that there was no cheating that has brought this upon me from either side, just us growing apart and me totally ignoring her for the last who knows how many years. Now I will have to pay the price, one way or another...
I am hoping that this thread can be for others in a similar state - Long marriage, grow apart, wife feels that she is no longer in love with husband, wife files for divorce or leaves and refuses to get counseling or reconcile. The future of the marriage, if at all possible, is entirely in the husband's hands. Actions may work, words do little. The husband is doing everything possible to make reconciliation happen.
Good advice is always welcome by those who have been in a similar boat.
Is this a troll or an advert? I've seen the same thing posted on TAM twice before with the same pattern in the last 9 months. And linguistic patterns are very similar, and notably mild and impersonal everytime.
Answers the same for the others dude.
Read the 5 love languages, his needs/her needs, (another book about end of relationships and being respected as a man, whose name I've forgotten).
Read up about the Female Mid Life crisis.
Get to grips that she no longer has higher estrogen so no long has the hormonal push to seek a sperm donor and free resource provider, but her need to put herself above and first in everything and claim her own territory has not changed; in other words you are simply now redundant to her needs and such scraps will be discarded. Thus the more noise and effort you make the more you will be ignored - you are simply not a resource for her to exploit so have no use, in fact she gets more resources and freedom by firing you and splitting with as much of her accumulated assets as she can get.
Best advice? make sure you have a pre-nup and always keep separate accounts, and never _ever_ do the "he pays expenses/mortgage, she pays for luxuries/holidays/investment" or you will find yourself old , lonely, and penniless.