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Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 03-29-2016, 04:29 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

I have been there and I agree that you have a very tough row to hoe going forward. Typically once a woman decides to make a break of it, her mind is made up and there is no changing it. I am not trying to discourage you, but I am only speaking of my own experience and that of others that I went to when my wife left me.
As others have said at this point, your one and only option is to focus on you. You must become the best person you can be. But, and this is huge - you must do it for you. You cannot be motivated by her, your family, your marriage or anything else.
Whether you are able to save your marriage or not, the effort will be well worth it. You may become a person who your wife is attracted to and she may open the door for you. OTOH, even if she doesn't, by focusing on you, you are preparing for the rest of your life and will be better able to take the hit.
I feel badly for you and I will not scold you. Life happens and what you described happens to many many people. Unfortunately, when something like this comes up we often tend to blame ourselves and fail to really see how our SO had any part in the disengagement. But I can assure you, that she did.
That is not to throw all the blame on her, but merely to recognize that it takes two to make or break a relationship. You pulled away because something was missing for you as well. Something you sought else where, whether it was the computer or somewhere else.
Focus on yourself. become the best that you can be for YOU and no one else. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. You can influence it by your effort to improve yourself, but really have no input otherwise. I wish you luck. I hope it all works out for you and your family.


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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 07:20 AM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

I'm going to give you a woman's perspective.

Women typically spend a very long time trying to convince their husbands that their marriage needs help (even bringing up divorce as a shock tactic to make them wake up). But when it doesn't work, over time they become discouraged and eventually give up. They may still love their husbands but they are no longer in love with them and they want out. They are tired of being the only one concerned. Can that be turned around? Sometimes. But temporary change is easy and they know that. They don't trust their husbands to do the hard work necessary for permanent change.

Will your wife give you another chance considering she feels she's given you too many as it is? Maybe. Right now she likely sees you as a scared little boy clinging desperately to what he knows for fear it will go away. That's definitely not attractive to women. Act like the man you're supposed to be and make those changes for you, not her. She'll notice. Whether or not it's enough to save your marriage remains to be seen but you'll be a better person at the end of the day.
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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

OK, I full on asked her last night whether she has ever cheated on me over the more than two decades we've been married and whether the divorce request leading to the impending separation was prompted by an affair of any sort.

She was very upset, almost to the point of tears and said absolutely not and how could I even think that. Yep, that moment was a step backward for improving the relationship, but it had to be done for my sanity at least. On the other hand, she did admit that being a guy, she could see how I could wonder about that. I responded saying, "yes, it's a guy thing."

I told her that the reason I asked point blank is because I've said many times over the years that I would never cheat on you and have never heard you explicitly say the same words back to me. Well, I feel much better now after hearing them. All of the EA/PA escapades you read about on this forum can make any man wonder.

I pretty much knew she wasn't having any sort of physical affair (at this time, at least), because I can fully account for practically 99.9% of her time these days (out of work, at least). Also, she often talks about male co-workers (by name, even) semi-hitting on her and I don't think she would be that direct if something was spiraling out of control with one of them.

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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Cheaters lie. My ex-wife was banging guys in a parking lot off the freeway during her lunch break. There is always time for an affair...
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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

When your spouse is not happy and they say they aren't, chances are it's not an idle threat. You have to do something right away to get things right. I'm sorry that this has happened and it's not right for a woman to be able to walk away when ever she wants and take half of you're money with her, but this is marriage these days, you're future rides the whim of your spouse.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #21 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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Cheaters lie. My ex-wife was banging guys in a parking lot off the freeway during her lunch break. There is always time for an affair...
How did you find this out?
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post #22 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:00 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

There's not much point in you finding out whether she cheated, because it isn't going to make a bit of difference to the way you act. You are determined to play the doormat now and fawn over her, now that you've finally realized you acted like as a$$ for years. Like I said in your other thread, I think it's way too late, but hey, knock yourself out.

At least do yourself this favour: give yourself a time limit. After 6 months or so, re evaluate your relationship and see how much progress you've made. Promise yourself that the grovelling will stop if you haven't won her back 100%

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #23 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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..., and there was no cheating involved by either party (or any emotional affair, either). This is for all those who just grew apart over the years, due to kids, job, whatever...

I am in this boat right now. After more than two decades of faithful marriage (to the best of my knowledge), my wife notified me that she wants to get divorced and that there is no going back. This did not happen all of a sudden, she had been threatening it for years. I have been a fool and ignored these threats. Over the succeeding week I managed to convince her to at least do a trial separation first, as my last best effort to save the marriage. We have (young) teenage kids and this has been hard on them as well.

I can see that it is basically up to me now to enact change for the both of us, since she is still resolved that this will not work and divorce is inevitable. I am trying all I can to enable reconciliation in the not too distant future (months?).

Fortunately, I have been able to reconnect with her and at least am now able to engage her in meaningful conversation. Unfortunately, I made all of the classic mistakes in the beginning upon hearing the news (crying, begging, squirming, etc..., to get one more chance, please...). All that did was to strengthen her resolve (to divorce).

At this point, I am reading one book after another as our separation is about to come into effect over the coming weeks. We are still under the same roof for the time being, but are sleeping in different beds. Let me tell you right off the bat, good books with good advice have done wonders in guiding me on this path. I don't know where I would be without them!

Each day is a challenge and I am often overwhelmed with negative emotions of, "What if things don't work out and we actually do get divorced?" But, i am still optimistic and trying to save our marriage. Unfortunately, I know that there is no way I can convince her to get counseling in the interim. So, it's all up to me, to be the shoulder to lean on, the counselor, and to change myself in meaningful positive ways to be the man she wants. All of this is happening as she tells me that even if I become the perfect husband, our marriage is over, making this doubly, triply, hard.

A lot of the threads on here are about partners who have cheated. A lot of the advice given assumes cheating was involved, whether people want to believe it or not. Well, I can state with as much certainty as can be possible for a human being to have, that there was no cheating that has brought this upon me from either side, just us growing apart and me totally ignoring her for the last who knows how many years. Now I will have to pay the price, one way or another...

I am hoping that this thread can be for others in a similar state - Long marriage, grow apart, wife feels that she is no longer in love with husband, wife files for divorce or leaves and refuses to get counseling or reconcile. The future of the marriage, if at all possible, is entirely in the husband's hands. Actions may work, words do little. The husband is doing everything possible to make reconciliation happen.

Good advice is always welcome by those who have been in a similar boat.
Is this a troll or an advert? I've seen the same thing posted on TAM twice before with the same pattern in the last 9 months. And linguistic patterns are very similar, and notably mild and impersonal everytime.

Answers the same for the others dude.
Read the 5 love languages, his needs/her needs, (another book about end of relationships and being respected as a man, whose name I've forgotten).
Read up about the Female Mid Life crisis.
Get to grips that she no longer has higher estrogen so no long has the hormonal push to seek a sperm donor and free resource provider, but her need to put herself above and first in everything and claim her own territory has not changed; in other words you are simply now redundant to her needs and such scraps will be discarded. Thus the more noise and effort you make the more you will be ignored - you are simply not a resource for her to exploit so have no use, in fact she gets more resources and freedom by firing you and splitting with as much of her accumulated assets as she can get.

Best advice? make sure you have a pre-nup and always keep separate accounts, and never _ever_ do the "he pays expenses/mortgage, she pays for luxuries/holidays/investment" or you will find yourself old , lonely, and penniless.
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post #24 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:32 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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I'm going to give you a woman's perspective.

Women typically spend a very long time trying to convince their husbands that their marriage needs help (even bringing up divorce as a shock tactic to make them wake up). But when it doesn't work, over time they become discouraged and eventually give up. They may still love their husbands but they are no longer in love with them and they want out. They are tired of being the only one concerned. Can that be turned around? Sometimes. But temporary change is easy and they know that. They don't trust their husbands to do the hard work necessary for permanent change.

Will your wife give you another chance considering she feels she's given you too many as it is? Maybe. Right now she likely sees you as a scared little boy clinging desperately to what he knows for fear it will go away. That's definitely not attractive to women. Act like the man you're supposed to be and make those changes for you, not her. She'll notice. Whether or not it's enough to save your marriage remains to be seen but you'll be a better person at the end of the day.
Well said.

Just to point out though... most women use "womenspeak" in their trying to communicate with their husbands.
Placing two glasses on the dinner table slightly further apart than they were yesterday (a "clear signal" that we're drifting apart) type behavior just doesn't cut it. Try a large sign "you're sleeping on the couch tonight", with "how to save your marriage book" on top of a pile of blankets, with a note nailed to front saying "This for you" <- or if subtle isn't really "your way", try email with "Your marriage is in trouble, only you can save it. do it before it is too late" (please use that exact quote. preferrable at least 20 times in the single email. and from your own account (not your girlfriends).

- Oh - while I remember... if you don't want your future husband to "act like a little boy" then don't spend your entire relationship/marriage/social-contract-time trying to emasculate him !!!!!!
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post #25 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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How did you find this out?
VAR

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post #26 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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When your spouse is not happy and they say they aren't, chances are it's not an idle threat. You have to do something right away to get things right. I'm sorry that this has happened and it's not right for a woman to be able to walk away when ever she wants and take half of you're money with her, but this is marriage these days, you're future rides the whim of your spouse.
You have missed a key point, there are many wives who have agonised over leaving their marriage. They have begged, pleaded, threatened their H to get his **** together and help her strengthen the marriage.
I don't know why some H perceive that as nagging, zone out and then only grapple to do so when it is too late. Many men are so obtuse and lazy. So it is not a whim. It is something going on for a long time. Why is it that for the most part women are the keepers of the relationship?
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post #27 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 07:44 AM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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You have missed a key point, there are many wives who have agonised over leaving their marriage. They have begged, pleaded, threatened their H to get his **** together and help her strengthen the marriage.
I don't know why some H perceive that as nagging, zone out and then only grapple to do so when it is too late. Many men are so obtuse and lazy. So it is not a whim. It is something going on for a long time. Why is it that for the most part women are the keepers of the relationship?
The first part may be true. The second part not so much. These women who agonize over leaving their marriage - why don't they do a better job of communicating? Spotthedeaddog has a post just before yours where he basically lays it out. Women use "womenspeak" and men are just supposed to understand. If they don't? Well then they just are obtuse and lazy! Of course we think it is just nagging or an idle threat made in the heat of an argument, when she threatens divorce, then gives or accepts an apology and proceeds as if nothing has changed- for years!
One of the things that I continually see in so many posts by women is the underlying assumption that men should just understand. And part of the basis of that are the misunderstandings that women have about men. We are NOT neanderthal cavemen who only want sex and food, despite popular belief. We are just as multi-faceted and have just as many needs and wants as any woman does. We just never get any credit for it.
Most men are just as much "keepers of the relationship" as women are, and for many of those men, much more so than the woman. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many who "grapple" with it as it ends. Grapple does even begin to describe the devastation many men feel as a marriage ends.

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post #28 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 12:49 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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The first part may be true. The second part not so much. These women who agonize over leaving their marriage - why don't they do a better job of communicating? Spotthedeaddog has a post just before yours where he basically lays it out. Women use "womenspeak" and men are just supposed to understand. If they don't? Well then they just are obtuse and lazy! Of course we think it is just nagging or an idle threat made in the heat of an argument, when she threatens divorce, then gives or accepts an apology and proceeds as if nothing has changed- for years!
One of the things that I continually see in so many posts by women is the underlying assumption that men should just understand. And part of the basis of that are the misunderstandings that women have about men. We are NOT neanderthal cavemen who only want sex and food, despite popular belief. We are just as multi-faceted and have just as many needs and wants as any woman does. We just never get any credit for it.
Most men are just as much "keepers of the relationship" as women are, and for many of those men, much more so than the woman. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many who "grapple" with it as it ends. Grapple does even begin to describe the devastation many men feel as a marriage ends.
You make some very good point here. I find that women want something or when they say that they have been communicating their issue all along, they haven't. I seldom see in any posts here that when the women supposedly were voicing their corncerns about the marriage it was acknowleged, understood and purposefully not addressed and ignored.

As for women being the keeper of the relationship, I find that hysterical. Men generally pay for the house, cars, groceries...etc. Where is the relationship without that?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #29 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 01:44 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Yes, because hardly any cheater would ever lie to their spouse when confronted with having an affair - just 99.9% of them. If you want her back, do a hard 180. Or just cut your losses. So you're not perfect, like her sh!t don't stink. Why would you want to be with someone who cares so little for you? Start moving on without her is the best advice, and never look back.
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post #30 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 11:07 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

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OK, I full on asked her last night whether she has ever cheated on me over the more than two decades we've been married and whether the divorce request leading to the impending separation was prompted by an affair of any sort.

She was very upset, almost to the point of tears and said absolutely not and how could I even think that. Yep, that moment was a step backward for improving the relationship, but it had to be done for my sanity at least. On the other hand, she did admit that being a guy, she could see how I could wonder about that. I responded saying, "yes, it's a guy thing."

I told her that the reason I asked point blank is because I've said many times over the years that I would never cheat on you and have never heard you explicitly say the same words back to me. Well, I feel much better now after hearing them. All of the EA/PA escapades you read about on this forum can make any man wonder.

I pretty much knew she wasn't having any sort of physical affair (at this time, at least), because I can fully account for practically 99.9% of her time these days (out of work, at least). Also, she often talks about male co-workers (by name, even) semi-hitting on her and I don't think she would be that direct if something was spiraling out of control with one of them.

A marriage is going downhill, wife wants out, it couldn't possibly be anything other than the W cheating, not the neglect and abandonment she has suffered for many years. Get your head out of your ass and take a long hard look at what you have done to her in the marriage! Women are not like men, don't think like men and don't think with a certain piece of their anatomy. Please!
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