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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 11:10 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

[QUOTE=jb02157;15358913]You make some very good point here. I find that women want something or when they say that they have been communicating their issue all along, they haven't. I seldom see in any posts here that when the women supposedly were voicing their corncerns about the marriage it was acknowleged, understood and purposefully not addressed and ignored.

As for the women being the keeper of the relationship, I find that hysterical. Men generally pay for the house, cars, groceries...etc. Where is the relationship without that?[/QUOTE]

This just highlights you missed the whole point. They are not talking about material maintenance, but emotional maintenance. There is a HUGE difference but I guess you don't get that?

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 11:43 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by SeparationAnxiety View Post
I will admit, the vast majority if not all my changes are based around me being married to her. I am totally going about it from that perspective, but I do sense that any positive improvements in me will carry over even if I fail.

As for what do I want to change in myself? I want to be a good caring and loving husband to her and a better father to the kids.

But, what does that mean? Well, quite frankly I don't know, but I am reading books to help clue me in. Women do not come with an instruction manual when you marry them. Men are different from women and without guidance, we all make mistakes. Some of us learn from them, some of us do not. Since I am open to "study" at this point, I think I can rectify my inadequacies over time. At least I am going to try my best.
Men and woman are different to a point. But what you are talking about is just common sense. When you are married you need to spend time with your wife. Your relationship is like a garden if you don't water it, it will die. She needs to be your priority. She is your wife!

How were you when you first met. How did you court her.

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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 11:55 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
Well said.

Just to point out though... most women use "womenspeak" in their trying to communicate with their husbands.
Placing two glasses on the dinner table slightly further apart than they were yesterday (a "clear signal" that we're drifting apart) type behavior just doesn't cut it. Try a large sign "you're sleeping on the couch tonight", with "how to save your marriage book" on top of a pile of blankets, with a note nailed to front saying "This for you" <- or if subtle isn't really "your way", try email with "Your marriage is in trouble, only you can save it. do it before it is too late" (please use that exact quote. preferrable at least 20 times in the single email. and from your own account (not your girlfriends).

- Oh - while I remember... if you don't want your future husband to "act like a little boy" then don't spend your entire relationship/marriage/social-contract-time trying to emasculate him !!!!!!
You need to meet some better women. Plus she should have to speak to you at all. You should be watching for this stuff yourself. That is what a husband is supposed to do.
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 12:03 AM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
The first part may be true. The second part not so much. These women who agonize over leaving their marriage - why don't they do a better job of communicating? Spotthedeaddog has a post just before yours where he basically lays it out. Women use "womenspeak" and men are just supposed to understand. If they don't? Well then they just are obtuse and lazy! Of course we think it is just nagging or an idle threat made in the heat of an argument, when she threatens divorce, then gives or accepts an apology and proceeds as if nothing has changed- for years!
One of the things that I continually see in so many posts by women is the underlying assumption that men should just understand. And part of the basis of that are the misunderstandings that women have about men. We are NOT neanderthal cavemen who only want sex and food, despite popular belief. We are just as multi-faceted and have just as many needs and wants as any woman does. We just never get any credit for it.
Most men are just as much "keepers of the relationship" as women are, and for many of those men, much more so than the woman. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many who "grapple" with it as it ends. Grapple does even begin to describe the devastation many men feel as a marriage ends.
Again why does that even have to communicated. I have a state of the union about every 3 months or so. I ask, how are we doing? I pay attention when she is telling me about her day. I know her moods better then she does herself. You know why, because she is a prize to me. I make it my business to know. If she seems off I say, hey what's up, you seem off?

From a guys perspective it's like having a sports car (not calling your wife a sports car) you know when the engine doesn't sound right, or when it isn't responding right. Same thing in your marriage, you should be in-tune to her moods and her way. If you aren't then you aren't doing it right.

You are her husband, you set the tone of the whole marriage.
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 12:37 AM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

It seems that maybe your wife has lost respect for you. Once you gain her respect back, I have a feeling her 'love' will return for you. But, I will say this...don't try hard at this, if you are only trying hard out of fear of losing her. Fear of not knowing what life might be like without her and the marriage. That isn't a reason to try. If you truly love her, and want to salvage things, that is awesome. But, if you are doing a major clean up simply because you are too afraid of what life might look like without her, that is not awesome. You both might like life better without the other...since you've ignored her for years, I guess I don't understand what has suddenly changed on your part...her wanting a divorce has suddenly caused you to be madly in love with your wife?

These are things you need to really ponder, because if she stays with you...and you did all this to avoid a divorce and fear of the unknown, then you will be right back where you are, a year from now. Sorry for your angst, I hope things get better, either way.
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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Well my husband hasn't cheated. And he seems so impossible at times. The amount of times I've mentally packed his bags! But I am going to persist in this marriage because I know in the end it will be worth it. He has lied, hurt me, been immature, selfish. Really hurt my feelings, been neglectful etc etc, but the night is still young. He does see the error of his ways, but change is a process. It is difficult at times I feel like I have three children not two sometimes. And he tells me if I treated him the way he treats me sometimes he would have left. I'm not a push over, I could get someone else if I really wanted, but I see the potential of him to be a great husband. I didn't read the whole thread but not all women are so unforgiving. :-)

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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 09:49 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
When your spouse is not happy and they say they aren't, chances are it's not an idle threat. You have to do something right away to get things right. I'm sorry that this has happened and it's not right for a woman to be able to walk away when ever she wants and take half of you're money with her, but this is marriage these days, you're future rides the whim of your spouse.
So your position is that it shouldn't matter how you treat your wife, she shouldn't be able to dump you?

As for men paying for everything, that's quite a generalization. I make more then hb and as such pay more of the bills.

By your logic i can treat him however I want but he shouldn't be able to dump me.

Is that your position?
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 11:45 AM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
So your position is that it shouldn't matter how you treat your wife, she shouldn't be able to dump you?

As for men paying for everything, that's quite a generalization. I make more then hb and as such pay more of the bills.

By your logic i can treat him however I want but he shouldn't be able to dump me.

Is that your position?
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Here's my position: It's really not that fair for a man who is making most of or all the money in the household to have is wife just dump him for no apparent reason and expect to get half of all the family's money. All to often I see that if a SAHM has a problem with something see feels that it's her perogative to just dump her husband. He all of the sudden has to live on 30% of his income and will find he is all of the sudden living in poverty, while his wife has his house, children and money.

This situation is different than yours since your husband at least contributes something to the family income whereas a SAHM does not. This results all the money for two families coming from one income with one person working while only allowed to keep himself barely afloat financially and the other receiving money and a place to live without having to do a darned thing.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

Originally Posted by SeparationAnxiety View Post
This did not happen all of a sudden, she had been threatening it for years. I have been a fool and ignored these threats.
One conclusion I drew very early on - a "threat" is an ultimatum, and they always, to me, feel like someone attempting to exert absolute control. I have never seen ultimatums improve any relationships, whether marital, friendship or at work.

My now-ex (non-wife LTR) had her form of ultimatum: "If you don't like things the way they are, then leave, because I am incapable of changing the way I do things". This was a response to my request for her to please greet me in the morning with something other than a verbal attack. Things never got better...she would not discuss it. I finally left her, and did it by saying "I accept your offer. I am leaving."

Learned a lot about me and humanity over the next 5 years, married a woman who can not verbally attack even in jest, who is soft-spoken, gentle, and apparently in fear of anything not going her way...which is why she's so reserved. Didn't know that. When we encountered our first bumps in the road, I attemped to negotiate/find out her side of things, but she could not see any path forward if it was not exactly her way. Her ultimatums weren't direct, but of the form "I'm not the marrying type. I can't life this way. I should let you live as you wish and not cause you any more pain. I hate divorce, but I'm going to do it for you." An ultimatum even if it appears she's attempting to blame herself.

I got us into counseling real fast, the counselor heard our stories and conversed with her about how that really was an ultimatum and how they simply don't work and that my wife needed to decide if she wanted to work on it, or insist on her own way, because she could not do both. She seemed to want to work on it - but then got busy so we never saw each other again. Now, in counseling again, (15 years later) it seems that once she could not use her favorite tool (the ultimatum), she chose to not communicate at all.

You guys have a lot of baggage. I've seen this situation resolve - my parents were on the brink for 20 years, something finally "clicked" in both of them, and they are almost to the 70th anniversary. But IMO you need outside help.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 12:58 PM
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Re: This thread is for men whose wives left them

I wholeheartedly agree with the posters who have said that you need to work on you for you. If you do it for her, for your marriage, for your kids, it won't stick. Too easy to fall back to old habits and get comfortable, as was already pointed out.

I will say you need to get on this NOW. No dilly dallying. No saying l will get to it when I get to it. Your wife has already waited longer than she should have, as evidenced by her desire to end the marriage. Get busy on you and don't stop until you know you'd win her if you were on a first date. That's the measuring stick. Would she date you now as you are/treat her?
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