Originally Posted by SeparationAnxiety View Post
This did not happen all of a sudden, she had been threatening it for years. I have been a fool and ignored these threats.
One conclusion I drew very early on - a "threat" is an ultimatum, and they always, to me, feel like someone attempting to exert absolute control. I have never seen ultimatums improve any relationships, whether marital, friendship or at work.
My now-ex (non-wife LTR) had her form of ultimatum: "If you don't like things the way they are, then leave, because I am incapable of changing the way I do things". This was a response to my request for her to please greet me in the morning with something other than a verbal attack. Things never got better...she would not discuss it. I finally left her, and did it by saying "I accept your offer. I am leaving."
Learned a lot about me and humanity over the next 5 years, married a woman who can not verbally attack even in jest, who is soft-spoken, gentle, and apparently in fear of anything not going her way...which is why she's so reserved. Didn't know that. When we encountered our first bumps in the road, I attemped to negotiate/find out her side of things, but she could not see any path forward if it was not exactly her way. Her ultimatums weren't direct, but of the form "I'm not the marrying type. I can't life this way. I should let you live as you wish and not cause you any more pain. I hate divorce, but I'm going to do it for you." An ultimatum even if it appears she's attempting to blame herself.
I got us into counseling real fast, the counselor heard our stories and conversed with her about how that really was an ultimatum and how they simply don't work and that my wife needed to decide if she wanted to work on it, or insist on her own way, because she could not do both. She seemed to want to work on it - but then got busy so we never saw each other again. Now, in counseling again, (15 years later) it seems that once she could not use her favorite tool (the ultimatum), she chose to not communicate at all.
You guys have a lot of baggage. I've seen this situation resolve - my parents were on the brink for 20 years, something finally "clicked" in both of them, and they are almost to the 70th anniversary. But IMO you need outside help.