Here is a question - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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  • 7 Post By BetrayedDad
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Here is a question

After I explain a bit. Short story... we are separated. She has someone else right now.... but is waffling. I've been told to get the divorce and be done. She pays her own bills and I pay mine. We both share with stuff for our older kids which we both agreed and have no issue with. So financially we can both stand on our feet. Yes I know she is seeing someone,,,, I'm not....I know I'm playing the plan b part.... but for those that held out and gave it time for the note contact and life changes and such. What compelled you to be patient that long whether it worked out or not? Like I said I'm plan b right now.... I get that. But emotionally I'm secure whether we make it or not. I'm thinking based on that I could be patient for her to see that maybe she made the wrong choice and that me being patient and still loving might make her realize what and who she truly wants.

If it's me, great, let do this.... if not.... then I know that I honestly gave it my best shot and I can be satisfied with that. Like I asked.... what compelled some of you to hold out?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: Here is a question

I'm plan B (actually not sure if I'm even part of the longterm plan anymore) and I hate it. I, unlike you, am not emotionally stable enough to make the decision to walk away. If I were in your shoes, I would move on. It sucks being second in anyone's heart.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: Here is a question

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandmoreConfused View Post
After I explain a bit. Short story... we are separated. She has someone else right now.... but is waffling. I've been told to get the divorce and be done. She pays her own bills and I pay mine. We both share with stuff for our older kids which we both agreed and have no issue with. So financially we can both stand on our feet. Yes I know she is seeing someone,,,, I'm not....I know I'm playing the plan b part.... but for those that held out and gave it time for the note contact and life changes and such. What compelled you to be patient that long whether it worked out or not? Like I said I'm plan b right now.... I get that. But emotionally I'm secure whether we make it or not. I'm thinking based on that I could be patient for her to see that maybe she made the wrong choice and that me being patient and still loving might make her realize what and who she truly wants.

If it's me, great, let do this.... if not.... then I know that I honestly gave it my best shot and I can be satisfied with that. Like I asked.... what compelled some of you to hold out?

So you WANT to be plan B?!? You MARRIED her so what makes you feel she deserves to KEEP deciding which mate she wants? Shouldn't she have done this BEFORE she swore to be with you FOREVER? You don't see this person as the selfish POS that she is? You're NOT her priority (CLEARLY) so WHY is she yours???

Why do you have such LOW self worth and self esteem that you'd even CONSIDER the pick me dance?!? Don't you think YOU DESERVE BETTER in a mate? The BEST thing you could do is be alone and WORK ON YOURSELF. You appear to lack any kind of dignity and you need to get some fast.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 04-12-2016 at 03:03 PM.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here is a question

Damn.... good point.... but this this is the stuff that I need to hear...to get myself focused on where I need to go. Thank you.

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Here is a question

Never be Plan B.

Never.

File and move on.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: Here is a question

Allowing yourself to hope and mope is just being too weak to move on.

You don't have to do this. CHOOSE to build a life with someone that hasn't already shown you how much they think you're worth.
Try to find someone that makes tou feel like you're worth everything.

What you're feeling for her is not love. It's fear of moving forward.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 11:05 PM
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Re: Here is a question

I actually don't respect your position enough to give coherent advice.

Are you hoping for another man's leftovers?

Do you think your outlook and character are healthy?

Would you want your daughter to treat her husband like your wife is treating you?

Would you like your son to be treated like you are?

You are unhealthy in the extreme in my opinion.

A healthy boundary in any relationship is not fvcking other people.

If she really wanted you back, she shouldn't have started fvcking another man.

Pretty basic and healthy boundaries.

Get help.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 12:03 AM
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Re: Here is a question

I really do not know what being a proactive plan B spouse is. Marriage Builders has a Plan A and a Plan B. It is often misunderstood and not used correctly. What Are Plan A and Plan B?. Among other things a plan B requires exposure Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums.

Have you planned any post divorce life. Your post is not completely ciear as to your finances. Is there a clear written and signed document as to division of assets and pensions?

How much involvement did you have with her children emtionally and financial? You would not be the first person (of either gender) whose spouse fitted their life needs for a parent for their children who got left behind when that spouses children reached adulthood.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 12:19 AM
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Re: Here is a question

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandmoreConfused View Post
But emotionally I'm secure whether we make it or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandmoreConfused View Post
I'm thinking based on that I could be patient for her to see that maybe she made the wrong choice and that me being patient and still loving might make her realize what and who she truly wants.
These two statements don't seem to fully jive. But I do hope you feel secure and are just burning off that hope that tends to linger for far too long. Cut all possible ties and walk on.

She likely made the wrong choice. So what? That is no longer your worry. You cant save her from herself just as you can't save the love or the marriage vows.

Don't let this lingering hope drag you back in. Even if she realizes her mistake that is not the same as the love you desire. The answer is in your question. She already MADE her choice. Your patience and love should now be reserved for yourself and for the next relationship. Get on with your life.

Your emotional security is called into question because you are still negotiating for her desire. It is difficult enough when negotiating for desire within a struggling marriage, let alone negotiating essentially with yourself while she is off with a new man. You are past any point of reconciliation that will yield you a return on your patience and love that you are likely expecting.

You should be focused on the road ahead. Use that energy to kindle new love, for yourself first. Start healing, improving yourself, engaging in life how you want to - free from those past ties, and you will be grateful that you didn't waste more time in this headspace. Now go lift some weights or something.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 03:58 AM
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Your best bet is moving on, looking good, being fit and looking like a great catch.

Even though you aren't seeing anyone now, don't be afraid to go out on dates and meet new people.

In every sense of the way, when you are around her ACT like you've moved on and are no longer an option for her, but don't be cruel or nasty about it.

Just be matter of fact about it.
Detach from her and if down the line she wants you back, she can work her a** off for it, but don't wait for her.

Get online and set up a profile.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 07:12 PM
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Re: Here is a question

Just suppose this relationship your wife is in falls apart and she decides she does want to go back to you (just because it falls part doesn't mean she is going back to you), do you think you could trust her again? You are living daily with this feeling of rejection. How is that effecting your decisions currently?

You want to believe your wife that the relationship is wavering with this other man but is it the truth? Are you being played? My ex did this to me and you get caught up in these mind games. It is absolutely not worth it. My advise to you is to move on and cut hr out of your life.
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