Trust issues ........getting tired of it. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 08:35 PM Thread Starter
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Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

I am at the end of my rope I have been married for 11 years now with two kids. I have never cheated on my wife but yet two years ago I lied about a gambling problem I had and made her think that I had cheated. I love her to no end but I am walking on egg shells all the time trying everything I can to show her she's the one . She watches our finances like a hawk, if I can't trace or remember even 5 dollars she is all over me in I must be doing something ( meaning cheating). If I take to long doing groceries or don't answer my phone or turn it off I must have been cheating. I am a big family man love my wife would never cheat. But how do I deal with this. I can't win. In arguments I try to point out the obvious like what I am going to do with 5$ or that I would loose everything in a divorce including the kids which are my world so why would I risk but that's still not enough. Please any thought would be helpful as I am growing more tired of the fight and in doing so look more like the bad guy she makes me out to be

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-26-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

The title of your thread says it all: you are getting tired of your wife's lack of trust, yet you lie to her face rather than be honest, why? Because you want to save your own skin. Be a man and do the right thing, be honest and transparent with your wife

A spouse knows when their other half is hiding something, why would you put someone you love through that kind of uncertainty and distrust ( it's an awful place to be) just to protect yourself?
You see her behaviour in monitoring you as the problem, but actually you are the problem due to your dishonesty.

You need to do a self inventory and ask why did you lie and cover up. Only you can make this better.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-26-2016, 10:48 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

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Originally Posted by Dannodown View Post
I am at the end of my rope I have been married for 11 years now with two kids. I have never cheated on my wife but yet two years ago I lied about a gambling problem I had and made her think that I had cheated. I love her to no end but I am walking on egg shells all the time trying everything I can to show her she's the one . She watches our finances like a hawk, if I can't trace or remember even 5 dollars she is all over me in I must be doing something ( meaning cheating). If I take to long doing groceries or don't answer my phone or turn it off I must have been cheating. I am a big family man love my wife would never cheat. But how do I deal with this. I can't win. In arguments I try to point out the obvious like what I am going to do with 5$ or that I would loose everything in a divorce including the kids which are my world so why would I risk but that's still not enough. Please any thought would be helpful as I am growing more tired of the fight and in doing so look more like the bad guy she makes me out to be
Offer to take a Poly and pro-actively tell her you want to open up all passwords, accounts etc. to be completely transparent.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-26-2016, 03:04 PM
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So let me get this straight - you gambled away the monthly mortgage on DraftKings (or something similar) and rather than admit to it, you thought it was better to make up a story that you were cheating on your W and spent the money on a mistress?

You need to stop gambling because you are horrible at evaluating outcomes for events. Being addicted to gambling is a hell of a lot easier to deal with than being addicted to strange puzzy, in your wife's eyes. She can watch your money usage 24/7, but not your johnson.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-26-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

Good evening
Gambling is a seriously life destroying addiction. Get help. I know from close association with an addicted gambler just how bad this can be. You will lose everything, not just your money.

Until you fix that, whether or not she trusts you is irrelevant. You can't trust yourself.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
So let me get this straight - you gambled away the monthly mortgage on DraftKings (or something similar) and rather than admit to it, you thought it was better to make up a story that you were cheating on your W and spent the money on a mistress?
Where did you read that?
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

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Originally Posted by Dannodown View Post
I am at the end of my rope I have been married for 11 years now with two kids. I have never cheated on my wife but yet two years ago I lied about a gambling problem I had and made her think that I had cheated. I love her to no end but I am walking on egg shells all the time trying everything I can to show her she's the one . She watches our finances like a hawk, if I can't trace or remember even 5 dollars she is all over me in I must be doing something ( meaning cheating). If I take to long doing groceries or don't answer my phone or turn it off I must have been cheating. I am a big family man love my wife would never cheat. But how do I deal with this. I can't win. In arguments I try to point out the obvious like what I am going to do with 5$ or that I would loose everything in a divorce including the kids which are my world so why would I risk but that's still not enough. Please any thought would be helpful as I am growing more tired of the fight and in doing so look more like the bad guy she makes me out to be
You are trying to inject logic and reason into an argument. Never going to work.

What you should instead do is disarm her first. You do this by listening, asking q's and paraphrasing what she says. You don't have to defend yourself. If you defend yourself, you are on the battlefield. Does logic and reason work on a battlefield? Well, only for the general, but you are not the general.

The status quo will lead to more of the same. Let her comments roll of your shoulders. Let her be upset. Let her make accusations. Don't argue back. You can disarm her entirely with questions and showing her that you heard what she said.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 05-07-2016, 10:35 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

Here's the thing about trust. Its like joints in the body. Once they are damaged they are never the same. And think about it my man. Why should she trust you again? She trusted you before and look what happened.
Moreover, you ain't gonna get a lot of mileage from the folks here by blaming her because your f-ups caused her not to trust you. You're a gambler and quick to lie to cover your azz. I wouldn't recommend she trust you either. Remember, when you lose someones trust, it's because of something you did.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 02:31 AM
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Re: Trust issues ........getting tired of it.

First, you need to sit her down and calmly explain to her the entire situation of what happened two years ago. Just randomly, ANYTIME, do it, don't wait for it to come up in a fight. Tell her that you don't have a gambling problem anymore (assuming you dont) and explaining to her how all of these accusations are making you feel. Also explain to her that you have nothing to hide, and that you'll even show her your text messages, facebook messages, ect... to prove it. If she still refuses to listen to you and has major trust issues, then I might advise for the both of you to see a marriage counselor.

Best of luck with the situation! And if you ever have any more marriage issues, there's one short ebook I actually find to be pretty useful, I'll link it below.
https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Rebu.../dp/B01EEUN4AE
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 06:02 AM
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Have you told her the truth about the gambling problem? Have you offered to get help for it?

The problem here is, once you've shown you can lie about one thing, it's that much easier to believe you could be lying about others.

My husband's behavior this past year led me to seriously wonder if he was having an affair. It turns out his problem wasn't another woman, it was drug addiction. But now because he hid something that serious from me for a significant amount of time, I can't help but wonder if there was cheating involved as well. I honestly doubt I will ever completely trust him again. Your wife may be dealing with similar feelings.

I would recommend counseling and having the counselor set the two of you up with some sort of accountability system.

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