Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Ok, so 15 months ago my wife and I separated, due to a mixture of things essentially, arguments about money (or lack of), being mum and dad and not husband and wife, not having time or money for us to go out as a couple, etc

We separated just after New year 2015, 6 weeks later, she was seeing someone else, and lied about it to me, as at that time I was seeking a reconciliation. I was devastated, and we agreed to divorce, although I left it up to her to file against me. Anyway, the divorce process has been going along, amicably, as we have 3 young kids, so weve kept it civil and friendly. Weve had the final court letter to say she can now apply for the Decree Absolute, which she hasnt yet done.

Last week, I received a message from her saying that she thinks shes made a mistake, and that we should talk about slowly reconnecting, and that she still loves me. The bloke she was seeing is no longer in the picture, after he realised that he didnt want to be a step dad to my kids (luckily he realised this before he was introduced to them).

During this 15 month separation, Ive abstained from dating and meeting new people, not out of hope of reconciliation, but out of respect for myself, my marriage vows, and the fact that I swore to myself that while I was still married, I wouldnt until the divorce was final.

Now that she has realised, or thinks she has realised, that the marriage may be worth fighting for, Im not sure if I can forgive or forget the fact that shes been with other people during our separation.

Weve agreed to talk about things, and to take things slowly, Im not going to move back in, Im not going to declare my undying love straight away, its going to take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of us, and even then, its not a promise to rekindle our marriage, its just an option to try and see if doing so is the right thing to do. We wont tell the kids, well just go on dates and see where we go.

I suppose what Im asking, if Im actually asking anything at all, is should I just agree that this is a new start, and to put the fling she had with someone else behind us?

I expect well be better off going to marriage counselling to get to the bottom of all this, and feelings, etc

Things will have to change anyway, as going back to how it was isnt an option. I suppose this is a chance to make a fresh start, with (hopefully) less money worries now that were financially completely separated (with the exception of the marital home which I still retain a share in, although dont contribute to the mortgage currently whilst paying child maintenance.

Does anyone have any success stories of reconnecting after such a long separation, and almost divorce?

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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right now, you are her plan b since plan a with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.
Bingo

Plan A pumped and dumped her. You got the sloppy seconds @Andy26599.

Finish the divorce make her EARN another chance with you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.
Her "dalliance" with the other guy ended almost a year ago (in June), and as far as I am aware, from speaking to mutual friends, there has been nobody else since. So it's not that he's binned her off and she's immediately come back to me, there has been a long clean break (or as clean as there can be when I see her pretty much 3 times a week when we do drop offs with the kids.) where we have not been a married couple.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Honestly.... If a person can't even wait for the divorce to be final before they start fvcking other people then really tells you how they REALLY feel about you in the first place.

Think about it, you waited because you respected the marriage and still had feeling for her. She DIDN'T because.... that's right, she doesn't truly care about the marriage or you.

Many people will come crawling back not because they love you but because they want the CONVENIENCE of having a husband or extra financial support. You're a tool to them nothing more.

I'd still walk. Date some other women. See what's out there. She did and only came back cause the pickings were slim. You're still plan B. Make HER plan B too. What's good for the goose....

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Andy,

Another person's success or failure to do this has nothing to do with your situation. If you want to attempt to reconcile with her - like REALLY want to - and she feels the same way, then do it.

Don't cancel the divorce process but make an agreement between you and wife that you will give it a 6 month try.

Set VERY clear written rules. For example, if she dates or sleeps with another guy during this time, the deal ends and you go straight to divorce. Make a LONG list of conditions and get her to agree and both of you sign at the bottom (not legally binding, but you get the idea.)

It's your life. If you can stomach another reconciliation attempt, then go for it. Just make sure it has a finite time limit, so that you are not strung along for years in limbo.

This is a marriage advice site, not a divorce advice site.

Good luck to you.

BTW: She needs to say she MADE a mistake, not THINKS she made a mistake. There is a big difference. And don't soften the issue by calling it a "dalliance". She and you both know what she was doing, while you were trying to reconcile. You have to accept that CLEARLY for this to work.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Finish the divorce. If she really wanted to give the marriage a try, she would have lived alone to process everything and introspect.

Live apart, just focus on co-parenting. Don't do anything else with or for her. Watch her for a year while you are busy healing yourself. See if she can live without a man for a full year and if she can, THEN see if you have any care to date her.

She is back peddling because she messed up. You don't pay for someone else's lesson learnt.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.
Truth.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

There are millions of single women out there. Take a gamble on them instead, your odds are much better than R with your STBX. Time to move on brother.

But I'm the guy who is in a serious relationship after being separated for 4 months and divorce is a few months away. Tells you how far gone I was from my STBX. Life is short, be happy.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 10:38 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?

I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it.

It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time.

If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?

I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it.

It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time.

If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.
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I'll disagree. Anyone can be upset about anything they like.

Agreement or not, if her actions are repellent to the OP he would be a fool to dismiss them on the technicality of lack of proper contract negotiation. If seeing other people was within bounds, why did she feel the need to lie about it?

Different people have different values. Above all, we must be true to ourselves.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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Originally Posted by Andy26599 View Post
Ok, so 15 months ago my wife and I separated, due to a mixture of things essentially, arguments about money (or lack of), being mum and dad and not husband and wife, not having time or money for us to go out as a couple, etc

We separated just after New year 2015, 6 weeks later, she was seeing someone else, and lied about it to me, as at that time I was seeking a reconciliation. I was devastated, and we agreed to divorce, although I left it up to her to file against me. Anyway, the divorce process has been going along, amicably, as we have 3 young kids, so weve kept it civil and friendly. Weve had the final court letter to say she can now apply for the Decree Absolute, which she hasnt yet done.

Last week, I received a message from her saying that she thinks shes made a mistake, and that we should talk about slowly reconnecting, and that she still loves me. The bloke she was seeing is no longer in the picture, after he realised that he didnt want to be a step dad to my kids (luckily he realised this before he was introduced to them).

During this 15 month separation, Ive abstained from dating and meeting new people, not out of hope of reconciliation, but out of respect for myself, my marriage vows, and the fact that I swore to myself that while I was still married, I wouldnt until the divorce was final.

Now that she has realised, or thinks she has realised, that the marriage may be worth fighting for, Im not sure if I can forgive or forget the fact that shes been with other people during our separation.

Weve agreed to talk about things, and to take things slowly, Im not going to move back in, Im not going to declare my undying love straight away, its going to take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of us, and even then, its not a promise to rekindle our marriage, its just an option to try and see if doing so is the right thing to do. We wont tell the kids, well just go on dates and see where we go.

I suppose what Im asking, if Im actually asking anything at all, is should I just agree that this is a new start, and to put the fling she had with someone else behind us?

I expect well be better off going to marriage counselling to get to the bottom of all this, and feelings, etc

Things will have to change anyway, as going back to how it was isnt an option. I suppose this is a chance to make a fresh start, with (hopefully) less money worries now that were financially completely separated (with the exception of the marital home which I still retain a share in, although dont contribute to the mortgage currently whilst paying child maintenance.

Does anyone have any success stories of reconnecting after such a long separation, and almost divorce?
OP, your post is full of negatives. It appears that you are seeing the situation for what it is.

What I noticed is missing........You didn't state anywhere up There^^^^ that you love her. If you don't have that as a starting point -the any R is just a waste of time.

I think you have already decided what you need to do...but don't want to take the step. Passive..like "I left it up to her to file against me"...now you are leaving it up to her to start the R. It just won't work that way. You don't sound like a man in love, like a man that wants his wife back.

If any of this sounds true...then don't R. If I have this all wrong and you love this woman and can get yourself past everything that has happened...really get past it....then grab a hold of your wife and never let her go.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?

I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it.

It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time.

If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.
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Agreed. I started dating while still separated. What changed my mind about feeling guilty was reading an article in the local paper where my now XH was trying out some dating site and reporting on how it went. 4 months after separation. In my case, it wasn't so much the length of time. It was the publicizing it after protesting that he hadn't cheated and that he still loved me and wanted to get back together. In your case, that is extremely hurtful.

OP, I'm not super clear on what you guys jointly agreed, perhaps I missed it in your post. Did you both agree that you wanted to separate and date each other? Exclusively? Or that you were ultimately separating with eventual divorce in mind?

In the end I concluded that while it was a tactless thing to do, we were separated, I had asked for a divorce, and he was perfectly within his rights to date. So I finally decided to date not long after that.

What concerns me about the reconciliation is that you just sound so ambivalent or maybe just conflicted, perhaps because her dating so soon after the separation hurt you deeply?

Best case scenario, since your troubles were lack of romance and financial issues, if you get back together after successfully dating for a while, wouldn't you be sharing finances again? So it sounds like while divorce ultimately would only be a short-term fix for the financial arguments, because if you'd be in the same boat if you reconciled/ remarried. Would it be fair to say the lack of romance and feeling like parents instead of romantic partners will still be an issue if you're in the same environment again?

I wish you best of luck with your decisions, you don't have an easy choice ahead of you. From the few successful reconciliations on TAM, it seems like you really have to BOTH acknowledge what went wrong in the marriage, and both REALLY want it. It sounds like she hurt you a lot dating so soon after separation. Have you addressed that with her? If y decide to pursue dating her and maybe reconciling, you should discuss that.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

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I'll disagree. Anyone can be upset about anything they like.

Agreement or not, if her actions are repellent to the OP he would be a fool to dismiss them on the technicality of lack of proper contract negotiation. If seeing other people was within bounds, why did she feel the need to lie about it?

Different people have different values. Above all, we must be true to ourselves.

Of course he's well within his rights to dump her if that's what he wants.

As for her lie, I agree she should've been truthful. However, maybe she thought he wouldn't take it well or maybe she felt like he meddles in her business.

In fact, how did he even know unless he was in her business? Maybe I missed that part.

I think that once you separate you don't get a say in the other's business, but like you said he is free to move on without her.

Let this be a lesson in why this stuff needs to be made clear when you separate.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-27-2016, 09:51 PM
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Re: Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards

Make no mistake. She was seeing the other bloke long before you separated or got the ILYBINILWY" speech.

So...did she cheat? YES. Are you Plan B because Plan A (the other guy) didn't work out? YES. Can you live with sloppy leftovers? Most men couldn't.

Have some self respect. Divorce this woman. Then start over at your own peril (she'll likely do it again) and try dating her. If it doesn't work out, you're free to move on.
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