What is going on? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 10:35 PM
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Re: What is going on?

Let me help you decode her actions. She is telling you very clearly what she wants from you but you are not interpreting her indirect communication accurately.

You are not plan B, she has no future plans with you in mind. She enjoys your company as one would a valued friend but not a love interest. Your description of her behavior is consistent with treating you like a comfortable gf that she uses to vent, chat, relieve boredom and to share entertainment. On her part, there seems to be zero sexual tension, romantic love or desire for reconciliation now or in the future.

If there was a strong sexual attraction, she would have made the moves on you way before now. She does not see you in that way. You are her FWB of a nonsexual nature. She is no doubt sexually active and she told you as much. The BC conversation decoded.

Don't keep up this friendship because it will only cause you pain and delay the bright future that is ahead of you. Make a surgical cut now. Go through the pain once and for all and start building your new life. No rescues, dinners, meet-ups, NC except as it concerns your children. You don't need to hear about her life anymore, she is not your worry and you are not a convenient shoulder for her.

I can guarantee you that the online test you took was wrong. She is no better at relationships than you, that's why you are D. You know your contribution to the failure of the marriage and you are working hard to be a better partner. She thinks it was all you. She will find out how wrong she is, eventually.

If you make the cut from you ex, you will find that you can focus better on dating and have pleasant experiences. In fact, dating will help you to rebuild your self confidence and restore your faith in the future.

You are recently D and healing and not looking to replace your ex with a new wife or LT commitment. You just need to make it clear to the women you meet. If you are honest and let your date decide if she wants to continue to see you on that basis then it's all good.

Plan on dating many different women so that you sharpen your picker and decide what kind of partner works for you. Don't get serious with the first woman who is nice to you, there are lots of nice women. You want nice and right for you and that will take time to find after you have healed completely.


My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 06-25-2016 at 10:57 PM.
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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 02:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What is going on?

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Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Let me help you decode her actions. She is telling you very clearly what she wants from you but you are not interpreting her indirect communication accurately.

You are not plan B, she has no future plans with you in mind. She enjoys your company as one would a valued friend but not a love interest. Your description of her behavior is consistent with treating you like a comfortable gf that she uses to vent, chat, relieve boredom and to share entertainment. On her part, there seems to be zero sexual tension, romantic love or desire for reconciliation now or in the future.

If there was a strong sexual attraction, she would have made the moves on you way before now. She does not see you in that way. You are her FWB of a nonsexual nature. She is no doubt sexually active and she told you as much. The BC conversation decoded.

Don't keep up this friendship because it will only cause you pain and delay the bright future that is ahead of you. Make a surgical cut now. Go through the pain once and for all and start building your new life. No rescues, dinners, meet-ups, NC except as it concerns your children. You don't need to hear about her life anymore, she is not your worry and you are not a convenient shoulder for her.

I can guarantee you that the online test you took was wrong. She is no better at relationships than you, that's why you are D. You know your contribution to the failure of the marriage and you are working hard to be a better partner. She thinks it was all you. She will find out how wrong she is, eventually.

If you make the cut from you ex, you will find that you can focus better on dating and have pleasant experiences. In fact, dating will help you to rebuild your self confidence and restore your faith in the future.

You are recently D and healing and not looking to replace your ex with a new wife or LT commitment. You just need to make it clear to the women you meet. If you are honest and let your date decide if she wants to continue to see you on that basis then it's all good.

Plan on dating many different women so that you sharpen your picker and decide what kind of partner works for you. Don't get serious with the first woman who is nice to you, there are lots of nice women. You want nice and right for you and that will take time to find after you have healed completely.

Thank you to this and all the replies on here.


I needed to hear them.

Move on, it is.

For the record, she is a fantastic woman, but perhaps not fantastic for me or me for her.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 06:36 AM
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Friend, you will never be able to move on if you continue to believe she is fantastic. She is not as great as you think. Please go No Contact except for what is directed needed to discuss the kids. Only that, time, and maybe some IC will allow you to move on.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 07:03 AM
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Re: What is going on?

OP,
At about the same time you were typing your last post I too was typing one. The site logged me off and I lost it all so I went back to bed. Basically what I said was that in order for anything we say here to make any difference you must first come to know what you want based on what is possible.

You indicated that you wanted to R but one cannot R alone therefore that is not possible. If your wife had wanted to R she would have chosen to work on the marriage instead of D. So then, left with the possibilities, which outcome do you desire? If you can see yourself 5 years down the road in the same position you are in currently then proceed as you have been. If not, then you must decide to make a change.

To me it appears that your wife is giving you just enough to keep your interest piqued. She seems to be quite a cake eater, stringing you along as she "plays the field" looking for something better. Once found, you will find that her behavior towards you will leave no room for confusion as she will no longer need you to fill in the emotional gaps that her sexual escapades currently leave her with.

I feel that the only way to know for sure is to force the issue. If you stop responding to her "breadcrumbs" and truly decide to move on she will then be forced to deal with the new paradigm. She may offer a few more "crumbs" to lure you back in but anything short of wholehearted, determined persistence from her will prove her disinterest. And, since she is/has been the instigator in the relationship, it may frame you in a different light in her eyes. Whether she shows additional interest in you or not at least you are moving on.


Perhaps something along the lines of " W, it has been 6 months now since our D and I do not see where this path is leading. At times I feel as though you have some interest in getting back together, then again not. It has left me confused as to how to proceed. I have therefore decided it is time to move ahead with my life. I cannot remain in this pseudo relationship any longer and must move on. I need to have a clear plan mapped out and work towards realizing that goal and that isn't possible with our current arrangement. I will continue to be the best co-parent I can be but as for you and I, I feel it is time to forge ahead with my life, it isn't healthy to remain where I am".

At least this way you will be conveying honesty and not be toying with her as she has you since the D. Of course this is all predicated on you actually wanting to move on. If you do not wish to then things will coast along as they have been until she finds the "better" that she seeks. I wish you strength and good fortune.

Peace and long life
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 07:58 AM
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Re: What is going on?

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Or she was letting him know that she is A) having difficulty with her cycle B) what meds she is on in case of emergency and/or C) that her being on BC ISN'T in order to have sex with other men and is solely for medical reasons, because we all know a story about a guy in process of divorce who got the insurance statement and lost his mind.
MJ, you being female and all, you ought to at least give the old boy a heads up on the "womanese" she's likely using on him. Hence,

"For example, she told me she had started a new semi-permanent form of birth control because she had realised she was in a period of her life that she did not want more children. Assured me not that it was not for dating, but because she wanted to make a statement about what kind of future she wanted and because it would stabilise her periods.

Talking about phrasing it to confuse him and give him false comfort but get it off her chest and say what she really means. I recommend Dokton PM me if he wants real guidance on getting his romantic life in order with her and other chicks. He's on the wrong path.
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: What is going on?

The same situation is playing out with Andy101. The kids, the breadcrumbs. The "mixed messages". In these two cases the women know exactly what they are doing. It is just mean. They are taking advantage of the love their ex-H's still have for them to fill their emotion needs until the right guy shows up. Both have said they do not plan to date again or marry again or some crap like that. Until the right guy shows up. Then they will stop with the breadcrumbs, leaving the men in shock again.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: What is going on?

I know how this stuff feels, and what this woman is doing to doktorn is probably one of the most evil, destructive, excruciating things a woman could do to a man.

We all see it. He probably does but is helpless to stop it to an extent.

If I were him, I'd think about the fact that she told him she didn't want children and since he's fixed, what the heck she meant.

Since he may not see it, I'll say that she's having sex with other men and doesn't want to get pregnant.

And that is ALL I would need to know to put me down the road. I was crushed when my wife wanted a divorce, but knowing she was at the very least sexting and sending nude pics of herself to other men, was all I needed to tell her to leave and file for divorce.

Doktorn, she is clearly cake-eating and keeping you for emotional support. Just really a cruel person.

You still have her on a pedestal. You've got to kick her off or you will never get well.

Wishing you the best.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 09:11 PM
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Re: What is going on?

Gentlemen, don't get carried away with this one situation. There are as many threads by women in situations where they are being used by men.

You forget that men openly advocate playing women for sex. There are websites, courses and practitioner's devoted to teaching the uninitiated man. I have never read one post expressing outrage. It's acceptable in this culture for men to deceive women for sex. It's not acceptable for women to deceive men for resources though. Both are abhorrent.

Besides, sewing distrust and demonizing women won't help Doktorn. If he plans on future relationships with women, he needs to trust his ability to detect a user or women who become users. That means there are actually women who are not users otherwise why would he need the ability to pick them out?

** end of jack **

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 06-28-2016 at 10:10 AM.
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 09:33 PM
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Re: What is going on?

@Doktorn I think your love and appreciation is a reflection of your fine qualities and not those of your ex. In time, you will come to find that she is not as wonderful in key areas as you believe at present.

I am certain she is not an evil person but she is not being honest with you at this time. She may justify her actions by telling herself that she wants to maintain a friendship. She knows on some level that it is not advantageous for you.

She has no problem enjoying the benefits of your love without giving back. She has no problem dangling you on a string knowing that you have no reason to hope for R. If she is such a wonderful person, how can she feel so little empathy and compassion? When you break out of her sphere of influence, you will be able to judge her fairly.

Right now, you ascribe to the false reality that she has created because you are still in a relationship with her. It's serving her not you. I hope reading these posts will help you see your ex, yourself and your life in a different light. One that is true and beneficial to you. NC is the only way to end your enslavement.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 06-26-2016 at 10:38 PM.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
Right now, you ascribe to the false reality that she has created because you are still in a relationship with her. It's serving her not you. I hope reading these posts will help you see your ex, yourself and your life in a different light. One that is true and beneficial to you. NC is the only way to end your enslavement.
Doktorn, you really, really need to listen to Catherine. Do otherwise at your own peril.

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