My XW and I have continued to maintain a friendly, if somewhat distant relationship. I don't really know what is going through her mind, she sometimes tells me very personal things, and other times is very distant.
For example, she told me she had started a new semi-permanent form of birth control because she had realised she was in a period of her life that she did not want more children. Assured me not that it was not for dating, but because she wanted to make a statement about what kind of future she wanted and because it would stabilise her periods. Why she felt the need to share, I don't know. At the time, we broke up I did say that she would meet a man who would want to start a family, but I could not do the same with a women ever again after the choice we had made about birthcontrol.
She's shared about her work, but switches off when I talk about mine.
I read a lot about relationships and sent her a link (Find out how good you are at being in a relationship | Life and style | The Guardian
), telling her that based on these results, I was not a very good partner while she was.
From her perspective, I more than compensated my low score with my other qualities: kindness, bravery, sense of humour, excellent lover, intelligence, fantasy, etc, etc, but at the end of the day was the feeling of loneliness when she needed most. She went on to write that it might her as much her own problem as it was mine and that while I am not the most organised person, I am absolutely wonderful.
She admits that I have been there for her when she needed me whilst we were getting divorced and ever since then.
So while I know I am her plan B, I find it difficult to move on. Tried dating, but I come across as needy as I struggle with a need for intimacy and don't really feel that it is fair to play with the emotions of a woman when my heart isn't in it.
If I wanted to win the heart of my wife, I need to become more organised and become someone she respects and with whom she feels secure. Except, I am not that person who
a)pays attention to detail
b) gets chores done straightaway
c) likes order
d) follows a schedule
e) ensures that you are always well-prepared
I am not the calm and collected, mature man that she needs me to be, but neither am I that man she describes above.
I am not saying that I don't want to be that kind of man. Who wouldn't want to be??? But I am saying that it is not me. Who knows, maybe the natural step for me.
What I do need is to commit to winning her back or commit to moving on. I hate this shell of a man I have become (which I don't show to her, always a brave front when she is a around).
Anyway, we've been talking and she finally took ownership of some of the issues that she's blamed me for ruining the relationship. She has issues with trust and put all the burden of carrying the family on her shoulders instead of sharing with me. Of course, me not being as organised and structured as her made it difficult to let me take care of things my way, even if in the end the results were always the same. She didn't have three children, she had two and a man she never trusted enough to take care of things. It's on me that I didn't show her I could, it's on her that she never gave me the chance to do so.
I realise that my inability to move on is less about her and more about me not taking ownership of my own life issues. För instance, I feel of value mostly when I am with my family. My motivation to do things disappears when I am on my own. I really need to work on that.
My head is tellling me to simply let her go enjoy the eat, pray, love period of her life, but my emotions want to eat, pray and love by her side.
Like many people on this site, I am very conflicted, sad, and, I suspect, depressed.