What is going on? - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

User Tag List

 38Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-08-2016, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 12
What is going on?

I've posted a couple of times on this forum to ask for advice and it has been helpful in gaining some perspective.

To cut a long story short, my wife asked me for a divorce in the autumn of 2014, sent the papers in march 2015, moved our separate ways at the end of the summer of 2015 and went through a no contact period for a while in the new year.

We had a compassionate divorce and it was completed with a minimum of fuss and disturbance. I even helped her find a new apartment and did some refurbishment. For a time, life continued as usual except with no sex and living in separate abodes.

Our problems can be summarised as her not respecting me and me not appreciating what she does for me (The Flag Page with Laugh Your Way) and this disconnect has poisoned our relationship for the last ten years at least.

After the period of no contact, we reached out tentatively to each other and began to have respectful interaction again. Not long ago, there was a situation arising from her inability to respect me which upset me. She did eventually admit to being at fault and we made peace again.

Now to the current situation. Recently, we have been seeing a lot of each other and we have enjoyed our time together. No mention of reconciliation, but it felt like the good old times, albeit more respectful and careful.

1) She helped me put up the trampoline and spent a weekend afternoon with me.
2) She invited herself and her parents to dinner at my place for a national holiday. Brought the food and cleaned up afterwards.
3) We had lunch at her apartment on a weekday. No nooner, but pleasant conversation.
4) We watched a movie together with the kids and snuggled on the couch, having had dinner before. She even cleaned the kitchen afterwards.
5) She invited me for dinner when I dropped off the kids. She had bought food that she knows I like, but she doesn't particularly care for it.
6) She tells me she is looking forward to seeing me.
7) We have been doing much the same things at the weekend, independently of each other. It is very weird!

I don't know what to think.

A couple of red flags.
1) She received a text while we were having dinner, looked at it and shielded it quite quickly. I don't have any claim on her seeing as we are divorced and have been for half a year, but it was an odd gesture.

2) We still have communication problems. We talked about me getting clothes for our daughter which I am quite certain I agreed to do, only to find that she had done this weekend. This is the kind of thing that went on a LOT in our marriage and it bugs the hell out of me. She tells me she did it because she did not know if I had committed to it. I think she could have easily rung me to find out.

3) She still makes decisions on things that directly affect me without thinking to consult me. For example, telling my son he can play computer when he gets to my place, resulting in a big fight with my son when I tell him he has to do his homework first before he can play. Easily avoided by telling my son that he should consult me when he gets to my house. In fact, there is a lot of these types of things and often relating to TV and PC use. I am more strict and she is not.

4)

So the questions to the forum are:

What do you think is going on? What would you do?


Do I want a reconciliation?
Yes, I think I do. I miss her and I have been thinking about her a lot. I love her. We would have to seriously work on the dynamics of our relationship as they were clearly not healthy.

Are we ready for a reconciliation?
I really don't know. She seems to be doing well. She told me that we are bound together forever as co-owners of this family, although there will be new partners joining us at some point. I think I have not processed all the grief and am trying to become a better person as a result of all of this, but haven't made much headway!

Sorry about the long post, it has been bubbling up and I don't really know what to do or how I feel or even how I should feel!

Doktorn is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-08-2016, 02:24 PM
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,696
Re: What is going on?

seems like she still wants a plan B!

start avoiding her. and dating.
chillymorn is offline  
post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 12
Re: What is going on?

By plan B you mean having me in reserve in case her new found freedom doesn't pan out?

Maybe.

But how does one tell if there is a reconciliation on the cards if one avoids the other?
Posted via Mobile Device
Doktorn is offline  
 
post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 12
Re: What is going on?

My XW and I have continued to maintain a friendly, if somewhat distant relationship. I don't really know what is going through her mind, she sometimes tells me very personal things, and other times is very distant.

For example, she told me she had started a new semi-permanent form of birth control because she had realised she was in a period of her life that she did not want more children. Assured me not that it was not for dating, but because she wanted to make a statement about what kind of future she wanted and because it would stabilise her periods. Why she felt the need to share, I don't know. At the time, we broke up I did say that she would meet a man who would want to start a family, but I could not do the same with a women ever again after the choice we had made about birthcontrol.

She's shared about her work, but switches off when I talk about mine.

I read a lot about relationships and sent her a link (Find out how good you are at being in a relationship | Life and style | The Guardian), telling her that based on these results, I was not a very good partner while she was.

Her reply:

From her perspective, I more than compensated my low score with my other qualities: kindness, bravery, sense of humour, excellent lover, intelligence, fantasy, etc, etc, but at the end of the day was the feeling of loneliness when she needed most. She went on to write that it might her as much her own problem as it was mine and that while I am not the most organised person, I am absolutely wonderful.

She admits that I have been there for her when she needed me whilst we were getting divorced and ever since then.

So while I know I am her plan B, I find it difficult to move on. Tried dating, but I come across as needy as I struggle with a need for intimacy and don't really feel that it is fair to play with the emotions of a woman when my heart isn't in it.

If I wanted to win the heart of my wife, I need to become more organised and become someone she respects and with whom she feels secure. Except, I am not that person who
a)pays attention to detail
b) gets chores done straightaway
c) likes order
d) follows a schedule
e) ensures that you are always well-prepared

I am not the calm and collected, mature man that she needs me to be, but neither am I that man she describes above.

I am not saying that I don't want to be that kind of man. Who wouldn't want to be??? But I am saying that it is not me. Who knows, maybe the natural step for me.

What I do need is to commit to winning her back or commit to moving on. I hate this shell of a man I have become (which I don't show to her, always a brave front when she is a around).

Anyway, we've been talking and she finally took ownership of some of the issues that she's blamed me for ruining the relationship. She has issues with trust and put all the burden of carrying the family on her shoulders instead of sharing with me. Of course, me not being as organised and structured as her made it difficult to let me take care of things my way, even if in the end the results were always the same. She didn't have three children, she had two and a man she never trusted enough to take care of things. It's on me that I didn't show her I could, it's on her that she never gave me the chance to do so.

I realise that my inability to move on is less about her and more about me not taking ownership of my own life issues. För instance, I feel of value mostly when I am with my family. My motivation to do things disappears when I am on my own. I really need to work on that.

My head is tellling me to simply let her go enjoy the eat, pray, love period of her life, but my emotions want to eat, pray and love by her side.

Like many people on this site, I am very conflicted, sad, and, I suspect, depressed.
Doktorn is offline  
post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 03:21 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doktorn View Post
But how does one tell if there is a reconciliation on the cards if one avoids the other?
Remember "my wife asked me for a divorce".

If she wants to reconcile, she will tell you. But don't wait for that to happen.

I am doing the waiting thing. I am waiting to win the Powerball lottery. Probably not going to happen but I am still waiting.
blueinbr is offline  
post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 03:39 PM
Member
 
EunuchMonk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 575
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
A couple of red flags.
1) She received a text while we were having dinner, looked at it and shielded it quite quickly. I don't have any claim on her seeing as we are divorced and have been for half a year, but it was an odd gesture.
Quote:
For example, she told me she had started a new semi-permanent form of birth control because she had realised she was in a period of her life that she did not want more children. Assured me not that it was not for dating, but because she wanted to make a statement about what kind of future she wanted and because it would stabilise her periods. Why she felt the need to share, I don't know. At the time, we broke up I did say that she would meet a man who would want to start a family, but I could not do the same with a women ever again after the choice we had made about birthcontrol.
I'm calling it. She has another man. Since you two are divorced I guess it isn't your business but let there be no doubt in your mind. The birth-control-just-to-make-a-statement excuse sounded hilariously untrue.

Anyhow, I think you're doing the right thing focusing on improving yourself. Where I think you are going wrong is filling your head with thoughts of reconciliation. Fill your head with enjoying being you. Go out. Go on a date. Get out of your comfort zone. Focus on the young'uns. Doing this might change your perspective on a lot of things.

Last edited by EunuchMonk; 06-25-2016 at 03:44 PM.
EunuchMonk is offline  
post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 03:43 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
The birth control excuse sounded hilariously untrue.
Agree. She was sending the message that she is with someone, still on the market, willing to **** the right guy when he comes along, still desireable etc. One or more of these excuses. Stabilizing the period - No.
blueinbr is offline  
post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 04:36 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,216
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Stabilizing the period - No.
You are clearly not female

I had my tubal ligation when my son was born 15 years ago. Around age 35 or so, my periods went wonky and have been fairly miserable ever since. Intense cramping, obvious bloating, really emotional (angry or in tears, pick one), exhaustion, migraines, an erratic schedule (meaning I have no idea when or where I'll be when..OH NO!), extremely heavy flow, sometimes days of spotting after.

I was offered BCP or even a hormone based IUD to help with the symptoms and regulate my periods. I declined because I had another doctor who suspected that my problem was actually my thyroid. Turns out, that guy was right. My immune system is attacking and killing my thyroid, which is causing havoc on my system, including my cycle.

Anyways, the point is that prescribing a hormone based method of BC to treat horrible periods is very common.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 04:45 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
You are clearly not female
My comment was in reference to the WHY she was telling him, not that BC isn't used for period stability. IMO she was conveying a message MORE than just period stability.
blueinbr is offline  
post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 05:25 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,216
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
My comment was in reference to the WHY she was telling him, not that BC isn't used for period stability. IMO she was conveying a message MORE than just period stability.
Or she was letting him know that she is A) having difficulty with her cycle B) what meds she is on in case of emergency and/or C) that her being on BC ISN'T in order to have sex with other men and is solely for medical reasons, because we all know a story about a guy in process of divorce who got the insurance statement and lost his mind.

Not saying she isn't sexually active with other men, just saying there are many reasons to mention this to her legal next of kin.

MJJEAN is online now  
post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 05:43 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Or she was letting him know that she is A) having difficulty with her cycle B) what meds she is on in case of emergency and/or C) that her being on BC ISN'T in order to have sex with other men and is solely for medical reasons, because we all know a story about a guy in process of divorce who got the insurance statement and lost his mind.

Not saying she isn't sexually active with other men, just saying there are many reasons to mention this to her legal next of kin.
Hence the "IMO". I was addressing the OP with my opinion on her motives since he asked "What is going on?".

Also, IMO he is no longer "her legal next of kin". I know little about divorce (never been through it) but I doubt he was any legal status with her. She divorced him, at her requirement, remember? She could wear a medical alert bracelet. OP, are you assuming medical next of kin status for her? Do you have a medical power of attorney for her?

OP, please see my comments above as my comments only. Other may have different and just as valid opinion.

And I hope you dropped her from all your insurance, including health and life insurance unless specified in the divorce decree. Check any investments to make sure that she is not listed as your primary beneficiary. Make sure your kids are listed, or their legal representative should something happen to you.
blueinbr is offline  
post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 07:22 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,157
Re: What is going on?

Make your own life. If anything developes and you want to pursue it fine but waiting around on a hope and prayer is foolish.
Marc878 is online now  
post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 08:28 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,703
Re: What is going on?

Do you have any idea that what you described is probably true of 95% of men in the universe and that she should have worked on the marriage instead of working toward divorce?

I think you should move on. She will always find an excuse why you're not good enough and she's not happy.

And yeah, you're plan b and she's doing other men. Don't buy her bc crap. If she wanted you, she's tell you. She hasn't. You're being cruelly played, sir.

She knows what she's doing. She's keeping you dangling while she looks for a replacement. Thing is, you're hard to replace. You take it all and still love her.
Posted via Mobile Device
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 09:05 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,619
Re: What is going on?

As long as you try to find your strength through someone else rather than from yourself, you will always be plan B for her, and experience the exact same thing in your future relationships.

And yes, she is definitely seeing someone else. How do you expect her to respect you enough to make you plan A when she watches you accept the scraps she has left over from the current plan A.

Let her go. Get into counseling. Find your strength. Then a year from now, maybe you will be ready to date. Maybe.



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 10:28 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,192
Re: What is going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Do you have any idea that what you described is probably true of 95% of men in the universe and that she should have worked on the marriage instead of working toward divorce?

I think you should move on. She will always find an excuse why you're not good enough and she's not happy.

And yeah, you're plan b and she's doing other men. Don't buy her bc crap. If she wanted you, she's tell you. She hasn't. You're being cruelly played, sir.

She knows what she's doing. She's keeping you dangling while she looks for a replacement. Thing is, you're hard to replace. You take it all and still love her.
Posted via Mobile Device
This is spot on.

In an earlier Doktor post the XW told him she wanted a divorce and that she would not re-marry. She said [basically] when she gets horny she will find a man to take care of the itch...and then send him on his way. She is not interested in finding a new husband.

Why should she? Doktor is still fulfilling that part for her.

She feels guilty about using her XH this way....but does not stop her catting around.

She will come back to him when her sexual desire is no longer important....or after plowing through ten or twenty men and she is sated.

She left the marriage so she can have sex with other men.

This is OK. She was upfront [in the other post] about it.

What is NOT OK is stringing her XH along. It is killing him.

What a selfish user.

But, OP is allowing this and whining to us to help him.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome