Re: Working on the marriage is so hard
aine... this is the first time I have ever shared this in a forum, I chose to because when I was in the deepest of counseling I asked how I would ever be able to share what I have experienced and she told me that I would know when the time was right. Up to yesterday, only my wife and children, parents, brother and sister, a few very close brothers in arms and my counselor knew the pain I felt.
After reading your thread here, the door opened and I cranked out my post in minutes... I was surprised how quickly it flowed from my fingers. I highlighted to delete it, took a breath, and hit the post button. The time was right.
I didn't even take time to correct the spelling, I had to take the next step.
I believe Pat Benatar had the song right with "Love is a Battlefield".
"When I'm losing control
Will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside
And when all this gets old
Will it still feel the same
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer
I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders
You'll need me to hold"
My wife loves me, this I know true and I know she is true, but with that "in love" was extensive damage I made and own, I am not sure she will ever be there like that for me again, but it is not the goal, to be the best husband I can for her is. If she were to walk away tomorrow, all I could offer at that time would be a simple final apology "I am sorry I couldn't do better" and be there for her as her friend, I owe her that much at least. I do know that I will never marry again if such a thing happened.
I hope it never comes to that, I found all the love I was missing in my life and fell in love with her all over again when my anger left and there was room in my heart for all that love brings. Like a velvet covered hammer, my words are soft but my resolve unquestionable and impacting.
I'm a die-hard believer in coming from the brink, whether it be individual, couple, or family. We have been successful, some days better, some worse, not all baggage is bad:
“Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” ~Ha Jin.
And still, when the right door is held open, sometimes a Phoenix can rise from the ashes.
Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 05-14-2016 at 03:02 PM.