When they aren't sure? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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When they aren't sure?

I'm currently separated going on 6 months. We have been together almost 18 years and have had a lot of problems we both contributed to the marriage falling apart. Late last year my h said he didn't see things getting better and decided to leave.

Upon leaving he reconnected with someone and started seeing her. She was a part of infidelity from years ago and resurrected months before he left so she was indeed a contributing factor.

However the infidelity is a result of the marital problems unresolved over the years. A month into leaving and preparing for divorce he came to a minister friend stating how uncomfortable he was moving on with her and leaving the marriage the way he did. He told me everything and We started communicating at that point but with counseling.

It's been 6 months since he left and although we are in counseling he is in the fog. I have read that partners often reflect on the happiness they saw outside of the marriage, the peace and walking away from the problems. There is also fear of leaving the marriage and being shunned by family and friends etc. so he is in a fog and I have to experience it as long as I work through counseling. I personally wanted to see if counseling could help move us past some of the painful things from the past in order to share the love we have for one another in a healthy way. I'm not feeling completely safe either but I have been willing to try one more time. I know healing takes a long long time but I'm often questioning how to be in a situation that could go either way. Don't give him too much? Don't try to fix the problems you saw that you contributed? Let him figure things out in silence while you prepare for divorce?

He has been committed to the process cutting off all contact with the OW, joining in family activities, spending some time with me etc. But he's emotionally lost and struggling with intimacy.

Just looking for words from those who have been there.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

You're trying to hard.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 07:42 PM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

Is he having sex with both of you (or attempting to)? If so, he's cake-eating and you're allowing it. If you want to R then he needs to end things completely with the OW before you even begin to start the process.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: When they aren't sure?

Yes things ended with the OW before I would even entertain counseling.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 10:45 AM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

You are not responsible for the marriage. Put it aside for now. Work on yourself, get IC, do things you enjoy, get out more join outside activities, find your own self again. If there is something to salvage, your WH will be attracted to the new confident you, if not, let him see you are moving on with or without him.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

I don't know what to say here.
I do know that it's good he ended things with ow. I also know it's a good chance that's not true. You said it was a condition of counseling. Suddenly he stopped? I doubt it. 90% chance it hasn't because he's "struggling with intimacy".

I think it's extremely difficult to get lost feelings back. And I think that as long as you're the one pursuing, it won't happen. So I say let him come to you, and give him affection pretty sparingly. For one thing, he dieSnt deserve it. For another, he needs to have to work for it.

Last of all, you should expect transparency. Access to cell phone anytime and email. Zero contact with OW. Anything less, I'd just move on.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 09:01 PM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

Luckbealady, how are things going with you?
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 10:26 AM
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Re: When they aren't sure?

It's either yes or no, which means that "I'm not sure" is essentially "No".
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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