Advice needed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Advice needed

Hi

I've been married for 5 years and together with wife for 8years altogether, we have 2 kids , 2 and 4 yrs

For the past 3 years I've been very distant, I didn't want to ever go out, never took care of myself and became a bit depressed because of work. I never did anything around the house unless pushed.

It's reached the point where we had a big argument and she told me she was loves me but no longer in love with me. For about a week we argued about it, wife said she wanted it to end, then said she didn't know how she felt and so on.

I eventually left the house and said about divorce, same day the W said that she wasn't ready to give up and wanted to give it a go.

Another few days of me being an arsehole with her before she pleaded with me to end giving her a hard time and to make a fresh start.

She has told me bat she want to try and make us work and try to fall back in love with me. She also said she can see a future together but has also said she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me but doesn't know if it's out of convinience.

I'm getting really impatient as I want it to be normal again now, W told me it's going to take some time and not happen overnight.

We still kiss and are intimate with each other, but she still says she isn't in love with me but wants to feel different.

There is no other person involved, no infidelity or EA, this is due to me not trying hard enough in the relationship.

I don't know what to do, I'm paranoid her feelings will never come back, and so I'm putting myself through heartache now only to be broken later again if she doesn't want to stay with me.

But, she has said things that make me think we do have a future together, I'm really confused of what to do.

I've started to try and be the perfect husband, she's told me that she resents this as she was begging for me to be that way for years and I've left it until she feels she isn't in love with me before changing

If anyone has an opinion on this I'd be grateful.

I acknowledge that it's my fault we are at this stage, but I love my wife and want to make amends for my mistake and make a reconciliation work.

Thanks

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-30-2016, 05:05 PM
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Re: Advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by angus439 View Post
Hi

I've been married for 5 years and together with wife for 8years altogether, we have 2 kids , 2 and 4 yrs

For the past 3 years I've been very distant, I didn't want to ever go out, never took care of myself and became a bit depressed because of work. I never did anything around the house unless pushed.

Quote:
It's reached the point where we had a big argument and she told me she was loves me but no longer in love with me. For about a week we argued about it, wife said she wanted it to end, then said she didn't know how she felt and so on.
The passion was long gone. Not a great thing to hear, but understandable.
Quote:
I eventually left the house and said about divorce, same day the W said that she wasn't ready to give up and wanted to give it a go.

Another few days of me being an arsehole with her before she pleaded with me to end giving her a hard time and to make a fresh start.
I can predict how this is going to go. She will fight hard while you are distant, then she will pull back and make some demands when you re-engage.
Quote:
She has told me bat she want to try and make us work and try to fall back in love with me. She also said she can see a future together but has also said she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me but doesn't know if it's out of convinience.
Without a connection, not too far-fetched of a statement.
Quote:
I'm getting really impatient as I want it to be normal again now, W told me it's going to take some time and not happen overnight.
100% correct. The impatience is going to undermine your reconciliation. You must fight the negative emotional impulses.
Quote:
We still kiss and are intimate with each other, but she still says she isn't in love with me but wants to feel different.

There is no other person involved, no infidelity or EA, this is due to me not trying hard enough in the relationship.
We can never take breaks in relationships. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. So to reconcile, you have to put the work in beforehand.
Quote:
I don't know what to do, I'm paranoid her feelings will never come back, and so I'm putting myself through heartache now only to be broken later again if she doesn't want to stay with me.

But, she has said things that make me think we do have a future together, I'm really confused of what to do.
Reconciliation is a very predictable process. The "how to" is well-established, although some processes are better than others. She is indicating her intentions. With these conditions, reconciliation is very feasible.
Quote:
I've started to try and be the perfect husband, she's told me that she resents this as she was begging for me to be that way for years and I've left it until she feels she isn't in love with me before changing
This is what I meant when I said I could predict where it was heading. You will feel like you are mr. perfect, but are not very appreciated. It is then that you will lose the interest and desire (to varying degrees) to be mr. perfect.
Quote:
If anyone has an opinion on this I'd be grateful.

I acknowledge that it's my fault we are at this stage, but I love my wife and want to make amends for my mistake and make a reconciliation work.

Thanks
You have to be very stubborn in this. What you do is set out to do what a good husband would do. Make it unconditional. Realize that the feelings can only come with repeated exposure to these positive actions. You have to break down her walls, to an extent. You need to keep up with your effort. In time, her guard will drop and you will be in her heart again. When she is connected with you again, you must avoid the urge to be complacent again.

How do you reconnect? Well, how did you connect, originally? You were nice when you courted her and you gave gifts of love without condition. Relationships fail when we stop doing that. Relationships could thrive for a lifetime, if partners would stop looking for excuses to lower their expenditure of romantic energy. Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you receive. Don't wait for her to reciprocate, you might wait forever.

You make up for the past by looking to the future. You can't change the past. You can only be mr. perfect from this point forward. You may acknowledge your mistakes, and indicate that you understand the pain she felt as a result. But, don't dwell on the past. You can't give her what she deserves, unless you are relatively pain-free. You have to look to your mistakes so that you can learn from them and maximize the future. You don't need to live in perpetual guilt.

Trust me, give and give and give. Her feelings will come. It will take time. But, just when it feels like all is lost, the castle walls are about to collapse. Just when it feels hopeless, you need to maintain your expenditure of energy at all cost. She has a million reasons to stay with you. You've given her plenty of reasons not to. Take those away, and invest in the ones that will keep her.


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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 02:34 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your response, I really appreciate your words.

I will carry on working on being a good husband and fight negative thoughts.

I need to be mindful about trying 'too hard' though and do things unconditionally as you advised.

Thanks again
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-04-2016, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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things are getting a little better, slowly.

Last edited by angus439; 06-06-2016 at 01:55 PM.
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