Am I Being Selfish - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Am I Being Selfish

So my situation is a little different. I am separated for two years from a man that cheated on me and admittedly has a sex addiction. We have a small child who recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He would like to reconcile the marriage, because we don't know what the future will hold. Admittedly, the relationship will not be a real relationship, he would like it for pretend. I was once madly in love with him. The anger and hurt I feel towards him is still very strong. I also don't believe in lying to my child.
I have "permission" to date anyone on the side.
I am torn yes, but at the same time I don't think I can emotionally go through with a fake marriage. I also understand we both need to be there for many things over the next few months.
We both had agreed we would never stay together for the kids, but this was a game changer. I'm willing to hear I am being selfish. I do need to let my anger and bitterness go, it's just I'm not done healing yet.

Thanks for listening!

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 09:29 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

I'm sorry for what your child is going through.

I do not think I could do a fake marriage either, he is probably feeling guilty now after tearing the family apart. You both can be their for your kid, without doing a pretend marriage and hurting you more.



You do matter!
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 09:46 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

Oh, what a tragedy, I am so sorry for you.

I cannot think of anything worse than the trauma and tragedy of potentially losing a child AND having to live with someone I basically detest.

Don't do that to yourself. You need support and nurturance and emotional availability, you do not need to be reminded of what you do not have with him..and why you are no more...especially at a time like this.

Godspeed...
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

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Originally Posted by Marriageishell View Post
So my situation is a little different. I am separated for two years from a man that cheated on me and admittedly has a sex addiction. We have a small child who recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He would like to reconcile the marriage, because we don't know what the future will hold. Admittedly, the relationship will not be a real relationship, he would like it for pretend.
So the person is a repeat liar and puts his own interests in front of those of others.

Why is their need to lie about the marriage?

Sure he might be doing it for the kid. But then if the best thing happens and your kid goes into remission, how will the kid feel then ... knowing you were willing to lie and be together for cancer, but not for the living child.

You can work together honestly, far better than you can by the constant stack of lies you'll have to build to keep the "marriage" running.

...and I'm sure you know it too.

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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 10:22 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marriageishell View Post
So my situation is a little different. I am separated for two years from a man that cheated on me and admittedly has a sex addiction. We have a small child who recently was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He would like to reconcile the marriage, because we don't know what the future will hold. Admittedly, the relationship will not be a real relationship, he would like it for pretend. I was once madly in love with him. The anger and hurt I feel towards him is still very strong. I also don't believe in lying to my child.
I have "permission" to date anyone on the side.
I am torn yes, but at the same time I don't think I can emotionally go through with a fake marriage. I also understand we both need to be there for many things over the next few months.
We both had agreed we would never stay together for the kids, but this was a game changer. I'm willing to hear I am being selfish. I do need to let my anger and bitterness go, it's just I'm not done healing yet.

Thanks for listening!
No, you are not being selfish.

I think a "pretend marriage", especially with the (well-justified) resentments you feel, will be a disaster. And I think the child will pick up on the tension.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

You are absolutely not being selfish, your X is!

You can't live a lie, especially because you haven't healed. He has no feelings for you. He is apathetic and that's why he wants to be there for your child. He is way ahead of you emotionally.

He is being very unfair. You can be there for your child without anymore deceit. Has this man learned nothing in regards to selfishness and disloyalty?

I am so sorry your little one is going through cancer. May all go well in his treatment and your little ones health gets restored soon!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

I think your child will heal better when both parents are at their most emotionally stable and ready state of mind.

I am advocating that you remain separated if it helps to foster an environment where you are in total control of your emotional and mental availabilities.

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 11:42 PM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

You definitely are not being selfish.

Children see far more than their parents think they do. You won't be able to fool your child. And you don't want your child wasting energy on that.

Keeping my fingers crossed for your child.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 12:20 AM
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Re: Am I Being Selfish

No, you aren't selfish. You need to be 100% there for your child. The pressure on you will increase by having a "fake" marriage. Chances are he will not want it to stay fake, and he will come with all kinds of expectations that will increase.

Living with him will only increase your pain, and stop your healing.

The two of you may (probably will) start arguing and your child will hear it. Your child needs peace, not more trauma.

Please don't go through with it, for your child's sake and for your own.

P.S. I think your husband is using your child's illness as a tool to try to manipulate you into going back with him. Keep posting here, and many people will help you keep perspective.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 05:43 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you all! I appreciate the support tremendously. I I was thinking I needed to be emotionally supported right now, and I was told I needed to get over it.
I am going to hold my ground with a big No.
What you find going through this is that all the sudden youe divorce and parenting is looked at much different.
I don't know how many of you mourned the loss of a family through a divorce as much as you suffered through the loss of the relationship. I felt it all over again, not necessarily the relationship but the loss of a family.
Thank you all for the advice and best wishes. I will stick around, after browsing many of the boards it looks like a great community here !

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