Need reconcialtion advice please - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
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Need reconcialtion advice please

My wife and I were together for six years. During that time we became distant towards each other. If we had a disagreement or got into a fight I would just turn off. My mechanism when I am mad about something is(was) to just "turn off". I would spend long nights alone playing video games and drinking beer. I would find ways to satisfy myself when she would not be there for me. She at times would ask even beg me to come to bed with her. This would infuriate my wife as I will do anything but spend time with, or talk to, her. On one occasion she even told me that it hurts her so bad when I turn off that it is worse than cheating. After a few years of this and her constantly begging me to talk with and spend time with her one day she told me she had enough and wanted a divorce.

I never wanted or dreamed of getting a divorce. She told me that she had tried everything and that her heart was now empty and that she just felt a void where the love had been. I knew that she was right in that we had fallen hopelessly apart in some ways. I told her that I wanted to be with her and would win her back and do whatever it took to do so. She told me that there was nothing I could do and that the relationship was over.

We have kids and a house and at first I was not only devastated, but angry. I told her that I was willing to sell the house and move away and find a job in another state. I didn't do this because that is what I wanted, but rather because I thought it would shock her into seeing what we had together. I tried giving up drinking and video games too, but nothing seemed to work.

For about three months we took turns sleeping on the couch while the other slept in the bed. It was a very hard time and I was constantly looking for ways to get her attention and let her know how important she was to me. During this time she spent quite a few nights out with her friends. One night in particular I remember that she did not get home until very early in the morning and this just made me even more angry.

A few weeks later we spent a family day together and had a wonderful time. Then a few nights after that I spent an entire night talking to her and hanging out, which is something I never did before. We ended up having sex and for the next few days it seemed like we had found a spark to go on. About a week later we were up again just talking and having a good time and we started talking about getting back together and really putting effort into our marriage. She looked at me and said before I made a decision that I needed to know something. She told me that while we were separated one night she got drunk and had sex with a guy in a hotel room.

Part of me was devastated by this. But another part of me wanted to instantly forgive her. There were so many thoughts going through my head. We decided that night that there were things that we both did wrong and that we needed to forgive each other and ourselves.

It has been about a month now and things in some ways have been better than ever. We talk every night now and instead of turning off I let her know how I am feeling when I start to get angry or emotional. She has been doing things for me that she never did before because I am asking her to do them, and I am actually looking for ways to make her feel happy and appreciated. I feel horrible in the sense that I knowingly pushed her away so much that she resorted to what she did. She told me that it was just drunk sex and that she just wanted to feel wanted by someone. She never got the persons phone number and swears she does not even know the person outside of that night. She told me that now we are TOGETHER and that when it happened she had no intentions of getting back with me and that she felt the relationship was 100% over.

I am just looking for some general advice about how I should feel. Part of me is so angry at myself. I now know that all my wife wanted was my attention and support. Another part of me is horrified by what happened. Sometimes I just think about it and want to puke. I really want to forgive myself and my wife and move on. Are these feelings natural? Little things will just set me off. I will be having a good day and be doing a menial task such as folding laundry and the demons will creep up and start asking me questions like, “Are these the underwear your wife was wearing when she had sex with another man?” Again I am mad at myself for letting things get to that point, but also I think who does that? Who goes out and does that while you are still living together with your spouse?
We have both been working really hard on this and I feel that we are both falling in love all over again. We agreed to talk about things instead of letting them build up inside and cause more damage. I want to trust her but a part of me wants to check her text messages and obsess over if she really is in love with me again and if it really just was one night.
Ultimately I want these “bad” feelings to go away and focus on the new start we have been given. I have been doing a lot of reading and it seems when most women say they are done, they are done. How long will it take for me to heal? I know that she still has hurt in her heart too from being ignored for so long. Things have just been so great that it is almost too good to be true.

Any advice or results similar experience would be much appreciated.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 05:27 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

OP,
You committed a form of infidelity by ignoring her and being emotionally and physically distant. You cheated her out of the emotional and physical support that she desperately needed. That said however, it was her that went to someone else instead of her H for this attention which is the ultimate betrayal.

If you want your marriage to get truly healthy again you must face this betrayal and deal with it. The mind movies and triggers (random acts that set off your anger) will continue for some time and her assistance will be necessary in conquering them. She must allow you to regain the trust she squandered. She must be completely honest and open with you.

She should allow you access to all electronic devices, social media accounts, everything. She must allow you to vent, answer any and all questions about that night and do whatever else you need to put this behind you. After considerable time you may be able to heal sufficiently to have a good marriage, maybe even better than before because you now understand how neglect and ignoring one's spouse can destroy a relationship.

You seem to know what you must do and you must continue doing it so as not to find yourself here again. Be open with her and insist on communication becoming an integral part of the process. I wish you good fortune.

Peace and long life
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:28 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

Are you back to sleeping together in the same bed?
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

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Are you back to sleeping together in the same bed?
About a week before we reconnected she said something to me along the lines of, "If you are trying to make us work then why are you still sleeping on the couch?" At first I thought, "Because this is what you wanted." But then I realized it was her way of saying it was ok for me to sleep in the bed. At first there was absolutely no intimacy or touching of any kind. That took awhile and it wasn't until after we sat down and discussed our feelings and hammered out our emotions before we built up to that.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

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Originally Posted by Anon. View Post
About a week before we reconnected she said something to me along the lines of, "If you are trying to make us work then why are you still sleeping on the couch?" At first I thought, "Because this is what you wanted." But then I realized it was her way of saying it was ok for me to sleep in the bed. At first there was absolutely no intimacy or touching of any kind. That took awhile and it wasn't until after we sat down and discussed our feelings and hammered out our emotions before we built up to that.
Well done. You acted instead of reacted. Acting means making the right decision regardless of you emotions at the time.

Again, well done.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

She should've confessed before she allowed you to touch her. That she didn't smacks of manipulation.

She get an STD test yet?

Be very careful going ahead in this reconciliation, lest your wife be left w/ the impression that anytime she's pissed at you she has carte blanche to run down to the local watering hole to pick up some random dude for the night.

Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 05:10 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

Just FYI, the silent treatment that you employed for years is a form of emotional abuse. It is particularly destructive in a marriage.

You need to come to terms with that and vow never to do that again to her.

As far as her cheating on you, your actions caused her to feel the need to walk. She didn't have the right to go out and F*** some random dude but that is where you are right now.

The question I have for you, is if you have cleaned up your side of the street with your behavior and are going to start to be a real man and husband is her infidelity going to be just a one off kind of deal? What do you think?

Has she shown you any regret? Any remorse? How likely is it to occur again?

BTW, by saying "we were separated at the time" she is giving herself an excuse and justifying her behavior. I hope you know that's BS.

Last edited by Tron; 06-16-2016 at 05:16 PM.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 05:48 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

Since she was honest and came forward with her cheating, I would let it go.

Cheating is always wrong. Always.

You pushed her and she fell. Shame on you... shame on her.

I do not think she enjoyed the "sexual" freedom that she experienced with that supposed one night stand, ONS. I would call her physical affair, PA, a Revenge Affair, RA.

I say this because she came back to you. To her, YOUR worth SEEMS to be better than the average bar-crawling POSOM.

Why? She is not in the marriage for the sex. She is in it for the sharing and companionship. Barflies are flighty, flimsy, floozy partners.

Deal with it, or fold your cards and leave the Marriage Casino.

Keep an eye on her......for a long time.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it.

As far as her getting mad and doing it again I don't see that happening. First off I told her that if it ever happened again I would walk. No fighting, no holding on and no wanting her back. The reason I can forgive her is because I know that I did indeed abuse her emotionally and treat her like garbage for so long. I put her through Yeats of suffering and now it is my turn in a sense. Does that make it right what either of us did, certainly not. But in a way I feel that it would have been unfair if she had just run back to me and forgiven me without consequences. Actually I'm not sure if I would have really changed myself the way i needed to and realized how important my attention is to her. I told her in the weeks following our connection that I was confused about my feeelings. This brought up the whole situation, along with a bunch of questions from me about what exactly happened that night. She cried and said that it was a huge mistake and that she really f&*^! up. She was worried I would never forgive her and get over it and that we were not going to be able to reconcile. I told her that I was willing to get over it unless that is the kind of life she wanted. I am not going to tolerate her going out and drinking at this stage of our life unless it is together. I told her that I know I was wrong for what I did and part of me feels responsible for pushing her so far away.

I love my wife and I feel we are really moving forward, actually further than we ever been before. We are even connecting on a spiritual level now. We both agreed to give the marriage 100% from now on. This is what we both want now. I truly will give it my all and of it does not work I think I will be able to walk away knowing I did give it my all. Previously I would've been full of what is and should haves. I won't tolerate this behavior anymore and she will not tolerate my shutting down. She actually even canceled several planned events, to spend time with me o stead, without me asking her too. I have cut back on my hours at work to be homeore with her and the kids. We are both trying now and I can really feel the difference. I guess only tim
e will tell, but if we can continue on our current path then maybe everything really does happen for a reason...
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 06:23 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

I found helping mindfulness up to this SunCMars my friend...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post

Keep an eye on her......for a long time.
You will drive yourself mad with too many minds pursuing this, your present self is your ally.

Trust but verify is true, but the percentage will have to be a good balance between your confidence and your intuitiveness, and will never be an equal amount... sometimes the lightest of the two prove the most cumbersome to carry.

Transparency first, agree to that up front and always... the insecure feelings will ease off as trust grows.

Do not self-sabotage your new relationship rebirth and the growth to come.

I wish you both the best.


Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 06-16-2016 at 07:56 PM.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 06:42 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you Emerging Buddhist, that is 100% how I feel. I am not going to let negativity ruin us. I trust her and I truly feel I have nothing to worry about - as long as I do my part and give her the attention she needs instead of shutting down.

I could write a book about all the things she put up with over the years. Just one example would be this. She had a hysterectomy and for months before and even afterwards i would not have sex with her. I know she just needed to feel wanted by someone, anyone and to feel that she was still a real woman. Ultimately I am having a harder time forgiving myself for what I did. For pushing her so far away... but part of me is overjoyed that after it was all over she truly wanted and came back to me. Forgiving her was easy. I also know what she did is tearing her up on the inside too. She needs to forgive herself as well. There needs to be forgiveness all around. Thanks for the support and as I mentioned earlier, if it happens again or doesn't work out... well I will be able to live with myself and be able to rest easy knowing that I did try my best and give everything to make it work. And if after that it does not work I can know in my heart that i deserve someone better. But the ways things were, had we left each other then, I feel the demons would haunt me for the rest of my life.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 07:18 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

Your head is in a goodish place, IMO.

Stay vigilant, keep up the hard work, and don't ever go back to slacking.

Oh, and insist that she follow up on the STD testing.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 07:26 PM Thread Starter
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I honestly do not feel that either of us would benefit from that at this point. Asking her to do that would only make me feel like I was rubbing it in her face and that is not the path I choose. Also I asked and she said there was protection involved. If something does creep up I know it will devastate her. We have been intimate frequently in the oasy few weeks and I would imagine if something is going to pop up, well we will have to deal with it then. She is not rubbing my past actions and inactions in my face so i dont want to belottle her. I just don't follow your logic, do you have an explanation?
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Need reconcialtion advice please

Insisting on an STD test has nothing to do w/ raking her over the coals or making her feel like sh*t. It's about nothing more than finding out if she -- in her drunken, emotionally-distressed state -- was exposed to anything by the random dude (whose name she doesn't remember and number she didn't get) that she picked up from a bar, took back to a hotel, and -- to be blunt -- banged.

And some of the worst stuff can take months to show up on tests anyway, making now a great time to test.

Oh, and protection? She may be lying. And if even if she's not, condoms aren't 100% effective.

Come on, man... this is just common sense.

Don't let any residual guilt that you may feel for your part in the near destruction of your marriage keep you from following up on this.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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