Feeling shaky - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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That is what Gottman's book is about: learning to empathize.
You didn't read the chapter on empathizing with men huh?

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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:05 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

OP,
I am not religious but I do look for wisdom in a wide variety of places and I find many truths in the Bible. One such truth is referencing relationships wherein Paul, writing to the church at Corinth states "be ye not unequally yoked together". This reference makes an important point in that if the load is not being equally shared then one "horse" or "oxen" will have to do most or all of the pulling to make the "team" successful.

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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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You didn't read the chapter on empathizing with men huh?
I'm listening to the 7 principles for making marriage work, which book are you referring to?
To boot I am tired of being the one to read this and that to improve things, I am tired, tired tired.
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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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OP,
I am not religious but I do look for wisdom in a wide variety of places and I find many truths in the Bible. One such truth is referencing relationships wherein Paul, writing to the church at Corinth states "be ye not unequally yoked together". This reference makes an important point in that if the load is not being equally shared then one "horse" or "oxen" will have to do most or all of the pulling to make the "team" successful.
My interpretation of that is that you don't marry someone of a different faith and I did, though he converted later of his own volition. But I see your point, it is absolutely true, people with different values, etc will have a difficult time in marriage and we are complete opposites.
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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:54 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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I'm listening to the 7 principles for making marriage work, which book are you referring to?
To boot I am tired of being the one to read this and that to improve things, I am tired, tired tired.
It was a joke, jld has trouble empathizing with men.
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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 02:34 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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I'm listening to the 7 principles for making marriage work, which book are you referring to?
To boot I am tired of being the one to read this and that to improve things, I am tired, tired tired.
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My interpretation of that is that you don't marry someone of a different faith and I did, though he converted later of his own volition. But I see your point, it is absolutely true, people with different values, etc will have a difficult time in marriage and we are complete opposites.
Actually Paul was warning against relationships between believers and non believers but the concept applies to a wide range of circumstances. In our case we became "yoked" with spouses that are not our emotional equal.

It is quite difficult to fully ascertain someone's emotional maturity until you are faced with a wide enough variety of incidences to piece together a pattern. It took me years to accomplish this and years more to realize that she was not just being neglectful and/or indifferent.

I asked her this evening what our arrangement ( I use arrangement in place of relationship since what we have does not qualify as a relationship ) meant to her and she replied that it was the most important thing in her life. I responded by asking what quantified that statement.

How does one take the Ostrich approach to something so important to them? Over the years I have tried, unsuccessfully, many times to prompt an emotional response from her but the response has always been to ignore the situation until it goes away, never to proactively attack the issue or put any effort into a resolution. I too grew very weary of trying.

I have finally come to the realization that she is severely emotionally retarded and have all but ceased in my efforts to stir emotion in her. I regret to have to tell you that if you cannot accept this in your H then you will be forever disappointed. Once you come to this acceptance then you can decide if you can tolerate this or if you need to move on. However, expecting him to mature emotionally is unrealistic.

Peace and long life
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 04:55 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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I'm listening to the 7 principles for making marriage work, which book are you referring to?
To boot I am tired of being the one to read this and that to improve things, I am tired, tired tired.
Gottman's latest book, which I linked earlier in the thread, could help your husband. It is called A Man's Guide to Women. https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Wo.../dp/1623361842

He says in there that it is men who make or break heterosexual relationships, but most relationship books are read by women.

I think many women can relate to your feeling of being tired, tired, tired.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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SunC, I don't find your existential BS of much practical use to be honest.


You remove yourself from the shortcomings of others, forgive them etc. Yes I believe in forgiveness and I have exercised that for many years! but 'removing yourself' holding yourself aloof is not the answer as you suggest, humans were made for relationship, not to be on the outside looking in. Granted if we followed your ideas, we would probably be safe from hurt but very lonely people.

Marriage is the most intimate relationship there is, the two become one, not the two keep separate and "indifferent" to each other or "numb" to each other, (your words) that doesn't make any sense. That is why there are so many problems in marriages because we all yearn for relationship.
Yes, I did a poor job of summarizing. Being obtuse only pisses people off.

My motives are simple....be colorful. Amuse/assist people with deep [sometimes dark] humor.

Success rate? Maybe 10% of the time. Maybe I am too generous with my rating!

There are up-teen Kling-On Posters on TAMMY's skirt tails...pick your own Guru[s].



What is my point?

No one can "really" separate themselves from others.
So, do not waste your limited time, chasing Sri-Nirvana.

Use the time to turn-over as much Earth as possible.... with open-mindedness...wearing open-toed sandals..

To your point, Friendship and intimacy is what makes life so interesting. No argument from this Knucklehead.

Being able to emulate Buddha is lonely IMHO!

I now lower my head and charge at the wall!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 02:36 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

When I read your posts, aine, I am stirred to ask what you are doing for yourself? What makes you happy? What hobbies, etc., do you have? I just feel like you have nothing in your life just for yourself. We all need some things to do that will take us away from or problems for a little while.

I don't need you to post an answer to those. I was just hoping you had some things or could make a list of things you'd like to do, or actually do for yourself.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-17-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

Aine, I have a feeling you are at the fu** this stage. You are allowed to feel this way. If you don't want to put any effort in at this stage then, don't. Take a break from it all.

Take care of yourself. Cook things you enjoy for you. Read a few books just for the pleasure of it and get lost in them. Listen to some music and dance to your heart's content. Watch some crazy movie or tv show and just enjoy. Do it all for you. Nourish yourself with some self love and care.

If we were friends in the real world, I would have you over for a whole weeks and take care of you.

Just to heck with the marriage, husband and house for now. Take the summer and enjoy living for you. Your body and mind needs a break from all this.

Have some fun girl. Go for a walk and put on some headphones and listen to some crazy music. To heck with it all.

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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
When I read your posts, aine, I am stirred to ask what you are doing for yourself? What makes you happy? What hobbies, etc., do you have? I just feel like you have nothing in your life just for yourself. We all need some things to do that will take us away from or problems for a little while.

I don't need you to post an answer to those. I was just hoping you had some things or could make a list of things you'd like to do, or actually do for yourself.
I have a few things, though as I am studying still there is limited time for other activities. I am into volunteer work, the gym (when I get time), meeting friends and travelling. My studies have curtailed these things somewhat due to time and money. But they'll be over soon.
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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
Aine, I have a feeling you are at the fu** this stage. You are allowed to feel this way. If you don't want to put any effort in at this stage then, don't. Take a break from it all.

Take care of yourself. Cook things you enjoy for you. Read a few books just for the pleasure of it and get lost in them. Listen to some music and dance to your heart's content. Watch some crazy movie or tv show and just enjoy. Do it all for you. Nourish yourself with some self love and care.

If we were friends in the real world, I would have you over for a whole weeks and take care of you.

Just to heck with the marriage, husband and house for now. Take the summer and enjoy living for you. Your body and mind needs a break from all this.

Have some fun girl. Go for a walk and put on some headphones and listen to some crazy music. To heck with it all.
I am doing exactly that, gone overseas and will take a break for a few weeks after work is done.
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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Any person can learn to empathize. Empathy leads to sympathy. These are skills, not innate charcter traits.
The one caveat to that is they have to want to learn.
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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

aine you may never get what you want from this man, he may not have it in him. Besides all the analysis on this thread, that my be the bottom line. The only advice I would give you is you are not a bad person, or a failure if you move on. He has broken the vows not you. Sometimes it is OK to give up.
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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 02:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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aine you may never get what you want from this man, he may not have it in him. Besides all the analysis on this thread, that my be the bottom line. The only advice I would give you is you are not a bad person, or a failure if you move on. He has broken the vows not you. Sometimes it is OK to give up.
You have an excellent point there.
He says I do not communicate how I feel with him, I do not open up.

I don't because I do not feel safe to and part of me thinks if I verbalise how I feel then there is no going back, so instead I write in journals.

After years of living with him I have learned to keep my innermost heart protected and I cannot open it up, I guess it's a protection mechanism. So I am not being authentic either.

He is also a typical male who will either give
1. a solution
2. convince me that I shouldn't feel like that because of blah blah blah

The bottom line is I don't feel loved at all, he says I've always been the strong one emotionally but I don't want to be anymore. So the problem is probably me as well.

I am not getting what I want and I know I am not giving him what he wants.
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