Yes, You are the one with the problem. Don't try to change him. That is controlling and manipulative. He is who he is and he has a right to be himself if not violent or abuse towards you.
You probably married him BECAUSE he was like your father. Now after 20-30 years you want to change your mind?
Either learn to accept him as he is, and love him for the good qualities he has, or divorce him.
when i first read this I didn't like what you are saying. But it's true I have to start looking at his positive qualities and he has many. Yes, I cannot change him.
I asked him if there was anything he wanted from me
he gave me a list of
1. restarting to play an old sport we used to do together (golf)
2. going more on holiday with him ( I stopped over a year and a half ago as he stood me up due to his drinking and I vowed I'd never go alone with him again unless kids were coming)
3. being more involved in his corporate life (how I am not sure, he didnt say - we will have to discuss when I go home)
4 Have more fun (how he wants me to do that, not sure).
I can see why he wants this, as I used to do all of this when I was a stay at home expat wife. Now I work full time and study part time (he wanted me to earn money and I wanted to study for myself) but he has high expectations in terms of time. How can I do all of this?
The thing that bothers me, he never organises anything, I have to organise the holidays, the fun things to do ( i have been doing that, plays, jazz clubs, comedy shows, etc that is all me).
I asked him what was he bringing to the table. His response
1. financial support
2. great sex
Neither 1 nor 2 fully meet my needs at all. I am not at home but need to have a gentle (I tend to be a steam roller) way of saying that this is not what I want and to meet some of his requirements, atm golf is out of the question as I do not have 5 hours at the weekend to spend.
He asked me what i wanted and its a lot less demanding
2. a call or text once a day to say he is thinking of me
3. tell me he loves me more often
So my question is
1. how do i tell him I cannot meet his list of requirements completely due to demands on my time
2. he needs to meet some of my needs and financial support and sex doesn't do it for me totally
You may think I am making excuses and sound very unreasonable, but this is a man whom I told recently there was too much disconnect with us and I felt very lonely and his response was
'what do you want me to do, I have to work" as he was working all the time but has time for his mates and to play golf.
My response is to withdraw as I cannot keep going after him, it is just like a merry go round. If I meet his needs which i have for years then he just thinks all is ok, but it is not ok for me anymore. I want more.
He has stopped drinking which is great, but that doesn't suddenly make everything ok.
Maybe as someone told me in another thread, he will never change and I just accept it or move on.
I will never understand this man.