Feeling shaky - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #61 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 06:48 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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It is not about changing my mind, if you knew the background I have been cheated on, he has been an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and I have put up with a lot of ****. He is now getting on the straight and narrow and thinks that all is fine now. My wounds are deep, i do not feel the emotional connection, I see our marriage very negatively ( i don't know if this is a phase), in short I don't know if I can get over the past.
I have been reading Harville Hendrick's stuff, to see if I am projecting my childhood stuff on my H but tbh, but he is the one who has shat on me for years and now I am thinking, maybe I am a fool for reconciling. People can turn over a new leaf, and he seems to be but I am very confused.
I see things a lot differently than a lot of the posters in this thread..

For you, it's been literally YEARS of emotional abuse, cheating, lying, the dysfunction of having to live with alcoholism every single day, and YOU constantly having to lower the bar in order to somehow accept your lot in life.

I'll give you credit for staying because being very honest, I would have left his worthless ass YEARS ago and never even looked back.

So here it is, years of abuse later, and now he wants to supposedly turn over a new leaf and you're expected to be ecstatic and excited about it like everything is A-ok and the past is just magically erased? Seriously?

And the truth of the matter is, even now in supposedly 'better' times, you're STILL trying to find ways to self soothe because you're still getting nothing from this man. It's just a different kind of nothing.

I think my biggest question would be, why have you decided that your entire life has to be some kind of endurance test with this man? What's the payoff in that? There MUST be some kind of payoff or you wouldn't be doing it. I simply can't even think of one that would justify staying. Sorry.

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post #62 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. Have you read it, aine? I agree with SSGI. We should be telling you, run forrest run.

I guess I need to apologize. I think I have also encouraged you to work on it. That was wrong of me. Maybe I didn't understand? Maybe I felt something when I read some of your posts? Maybe it was the counselor's opinions? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I'm sorry.

It's time to be happy. Don't you think?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #63 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

Be careful about the "true self" stuff.

We all have dark parts of our character.

Some of us have more self-discipline than others as to what we present.
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post #64 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. Have you read it, aine? I agree with SSGI. We should be telling you, run forrest run.

I guess I need to apologize. I think I have also encouraged you to work on it. That was wrong of me. Maybe I didn't understand? Maybe I felt something when I read some of your posts? Maybe it was the counselor's opinions? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I'm sorry.

It's time to be happy. Don't you think?
I have read codependent no more in fact I often recommend it to others on here.
I am getting stronger, taking one day at a time, had a great trip overseas for some time and feel great. Focusing more on me and doing what I need to do to get ahead.
I am also realising and internalising the fact that it is not me that makes him the person he is, it is him. I think once I get past the questioning, the trying to understand and rationalise his behaviour and treatment of me over the years, it cannot be explained. I know I have contributed to our problems but I know the majority of it is to do with him as a person, he has a lot of demons, and drinking compounded them.
I do love him and sometimes see a small scared boy. I think after over 20 years of marriage I owe it to myself, my kids, my H, my marriage to see if we can turn it around. He is still sober and working on himself, it is worth my while to see how that turns out, don't you think. I know I vacillate between leaving and staying but I will know when the costs outweigh the benefits.
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post #65 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Be careful about the "true self" stuff.

We all have dark parts of our character.

Some of us have more self-discipline than others as to what we present.
Of course we all have flaws, I am no different from the next person, but not sure what you are saying or implying here, like to clarify?
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post #66 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:39 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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I have read codependent no more in fact I often recommend it to others on here.
I am getting stronger, taking one day at a time, had a great trip overseas for some time and feel great. Focusing more on me and doing what I need to do to get ahead.
I am also realising and internalising the fact that it is not me that makes him the person he is, it is him. I think once I get past the questioning, the trying to understand and rationalise his behaviour and treatment of me over the years, it cannot be explained. I know I have contributed to our problems but I know the majority of it is to do with him as a person, he has a lot of demons, and drinking compounded them.
I do love him and sometimes see a small scared boy. I think after over 20 years of marriage I owe it to myself, my kids, my H, my marriage to see if we can turn it around. He is still sober and working on himself, it is worth my while to see how that turns out, don't you think. I know I vacillate between leaving and staying but I will know when the costs outweigh the benefits.
Of course it's your decision. What changes your mind toward working it out?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #67 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Of course it's your decision. What changes your mind toward working it out?
I'm mentally and emotionally in a better place I guess, let's see how long that lasts
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post #68 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 08:05 AM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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I'm mentally and emotionally in a better place I guess, let's see how long that lasts
Can you pinpoint what causes the changes?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

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post #69 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 02:11 PM
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Of course we all have flaws, I am no different from the next person, but not sure what you are saying or implying here, like to clarify?
Just that it's a very human tendency to take a collection of someone's worst moments and label that as their "true self".

We all have selfishness and sinfulness inside us. Those parts of our personalities basically compete with one another. We choose which ones we present.
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post #70 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Can you pinpoint what causes the changes?
Escaping from the environment and having quality time alone, recharging the batteries, meeting people who I know love and care about me.

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post #71 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling shaky

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Escaping from the environment and having quality time alone, recharging the batteries, meeting people who I know love and care about me.
I should also add that he has been doing a lot of things to become a better person, still sober, still doing AA, personal counselling, attends MC with me and has been doing alot of self reflection. Even talks to me about it, we are both trying to be more open with each other and that is helping alot
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