4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 01:43 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

Your lies have led to broken trust. Your wife's heart literally hurts -- like she's been stabbed because it feels that way. She can't imagine that you would do this to her. Literally can't imagine it. Right now you are someone she doesn't even know. She's sad because she wishes she had her old marriage back but it's gone. She's in shock and she's hurt and she's not sure that awful feeling will ever go away. That's where she is right now.

Betrayal is a very hard thing to recover from and it will take a lot of time and effort on your part to get your marriage back. I hope you can regain your wife's trust and don't try to rug-sweep this because you're tired of the arguments. She has to heal in her own time -- assuming she can (people divorce for less than this) -- and you have to let her set the pace of her healing. And it can take years. Be prepared.

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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 07:23 AM
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4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

Dude, you spent years chatting with a single, bar hopping woman whom your wife hates. You lied and deleted the emails. (I dont buy the "i like a clean inbox" excuse.) You are married. Married men don't do that. At least not the ones that want to stay married.

You got an emotional kick out if this even if you did not talk sex.

The problem here is that you do not or do not want to see what you did is wrong and a betrayal. You appear to lack empathy.
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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

I don't think you're being entirely honest here.

Your wife didn't hate her simply because she's extroverted.....your wife likely got a bad vibe from her and clearly rightly so based on her emailing with a married man for years. Your wife probably senses that she was trash. You refuse to either see or admit what's going on.

You knew your wife would be upset and you did it anyway and lied about it, so clearly you decided it was worth more than not upsetting your wife.

Maybe you never intended to blow up your marriage but as blue said you did get an emotional kick out of it, which you refuse to admit.

I suspect your wife picks up on this and that's part of the reason for her reaction.....you're not being honest and are stonewalling her. You're admitting to what she can prove.

Convenient that most of the emails are gone.

Try being honest about what you got out of this that was so important that you hid it and lied about it. Maybe then she may be receptive.
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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

In my business, we have a term "the rule of 5".

What this means...
A failure of a system...will cost 5 times its original value to replace.

A breach of trust with a customer, dropping the ball, not following through..will take 5 positive interactions (at least)..to get back to where you were before the failure.

Its true in many things....its true here
..it could take 5 times the amount of time of the failure to build back the trust.

Are you willing to do what muat be done?
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Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 11:44 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

You shouldn't have to hide a friendship. It sucks but I'm the same boat.

Most of my friends are male. It been that way since I was a child

The hubs hates it but I'm not going to be friendless because of his insecurities and I'm no going to tolerate a whiney jealous man either so he's on a need to know basis.
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

Lost trust is very hard to recover. It may not recover completely. Other than hat in hand apology, transparency and working on rebuilding the trust through your actions there is not much else you can do.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

Whatever you were getting out of talking to this other woman, you clearly knew that your wife would not like it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have hidden the relationship for 5 years. But whatever that draw was, it was also more important to you than your wife's feelings. Otherwise, you wouldn't have kept it up knowing, as you clearly did, that it would hurt your wife.

So, at this point all your wife really knows for sure is that you lied to her for 5 years while carrying on a secret relationship. And that you are verifiably willing to do things you know will hurt her - on such a whim that you can't even give her a rational explanation as to why.

That can be a lot for anyone to process. I guarantee that it's not helping if you're arguing with her about how you didn't really do anything wrong. Stop arguing. Stop trying to rationalize it or defend yourself. If she becomes distraught, comfort her. Answer any questions she has, even if she's already asked that same question five times. It might not hurt to talk with an IC to figure out why you did this and how you can keep from doing it again. Share your insights and progress on that front with your wife. Basically, don't just try to rugsweep this and carry on. Address it, get into MC, actively do work to help restore the trust in your marriage. I also recommend the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters, both by Willard Harley, as well as Not 'Just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

Oh, and I would strongly suggest that you be very careful about going to your friends for backup in this situation. In fact, hashing this out with friends may feel very disrespectful to your wife. She may see this as gossiping about her with your friends, giving them your side of the story when she isn't there to give hers, and using their reactions to your one-sided tale to bolster your own position - all things she probably assumes you've been doing with your "friend" for the last 5 years. If you need someone to talk to about this situation and won't go to a therapist, at least choose a male friend who is also a solid friend of your marriage. And *do not* use anything your friends say as ammunition to help convince your wife that she's making a big deal out of nothing.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 05:41 PM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

When they go for backup, you know something is amiss.
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

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Originally Posted by lostpilot View Post
I have never thought I would be in this situation. However, it's entirely my fault.

I've been married for over 20 years. Sometimes it's rough but otherwise, I have no regrets. I consider myself to be a rather outgoing person but my wife is rather an introvert. However, we have many of the same likes (books, traveling, food, learning). But we also have our differences (she hates concerts and crowds for the most part and I like to go out occasionally). It's been 20 years of that and for good or bad we're climbing into our late 40s. We talk about retirement and winding down the jobs. We talk about investing and, while I'm not the most astute when it comes to the market, I'm completely on board with her plan (as she is in the financial industry).

However, recently she discovered that I email someone she detests during the work week and she never knew about it. To be honest, I have emailed this person for about the last 5 years and I hid that from my wife knowing that she would go ballistic. Even then, I can honestly say that the emails were not sexual, flirtatious, or really even contained pictures unless they were of our kids. My wife found an email pop up on my phone and read thru a few of them. I can say that the topics usually focused around my hate for my job and traffic and hers were around how her boyfriends treated her. I was used to the boyfriend talk only because this woman dates a lot. That's something I"m not really familiar with given my 20 year marriage and 4 years of dating but she was never reaching out to me for a date. In fact, we haven't really seen each other in years but we would have the same old gripes each day, ask about kids, plans for the weekend, or politics at a high level.

What I thought was innocent my wife has taken to see as a betrayal given that I hid this from her. Frankly, I'm in agreement with that statement. As a married man, I should have realized that this is a toxic relationship and really I should have bowed out. But for some reason I didn't and in order to not 'rock the boat' - thought it was something I could manage. So earlier this month, my wife confronted me about my 'pen pal' and I really didn't have words. Likewise, most of the previous emails from this woman were deleted and that's because I keep my inbox pretty clean - google deletes them after 30 days and I don't like clutter. Tough to do searches on things when it's me griping about traffic or careers and her about her boyfriends.

So now 4 weeks later, I'm still getting the cold shoulder. As my wife has told me, I am unable to make adult decisions by hanging around with this person and that, since I wasn't getting anything out of my pen pal relationship, I must have been in love with her.

I had chalked up the fighting to jealousy. I dropped the emails, told the penpal that I was utterly crushed at hurting my wife and that I wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and I have spent a month having my teeth kicked in for having a relationship with a homewrecker. My wife won't talk to me, barely smiles anymore and has told me repeatedly that I'm a lying cheating a**hole.

WIth that, and in trying any effort to save my marriage, I have told our closest friends that my wife and I are in a rough patch and that I am to blame. I tell them that I have hurt her by emailing someone she hates and that I hid it. I have laid out that I am willing to do what I can with their help to get her to see that I'm not this person she now admittedly hates. As my wife has put it - i 'disgust' her and that I am incapable of love.

the last 4 weeks have had me go from thinking about how to tell my wife that I wasn't have an affair (which I wasn't and we both went into to have STD tests to try to resolve that). I have tried to show her that I am not financially supporting anyone else - we walk thru the finances and everything is there. But that what I did was hide something and then try to lie about it when she confronted me. Instead of telling her that I write nearly every weekday and sometimes more than a few times during the week - I tried to 'soften the blow' by lying about the frequency and she called me out on it. So I'm a lying, but not cheating, a**hole and I do deserve that.

What I would like to know is if the punishment is worth the crime. I have shook the foundation of my wife's future by showing that I hide things. And I want nothing more than to be with her, support her, and continue loving her into old age but she is stating that we're thru. "There's nothing left" is what she tells me.

I can't believe that so I come home every day and we stay up for hours arguing about my choices and then we're up early in the morning arguing about how I have destroyed her life. While I did lie - I would do anything I could to get things fixed. The problem is that she's not opening up. I've talked with several people and they don't get the brick wall or her talking to lawyers. I've tried to be as objective as possible to understand that while I did do a really horrible thing, is it something to divorce over? None of our friends that I've spoken to think that's the case but she's just so made after nearly a month.

Is there any objective advice out there for a guy that's not strayed to another woman but was maybe too chatty and should have known better? I lied, i did a horrible thing hiding it, but this woman and my daughter is the galactic center of my life and I'm hating this. I'm doing everything and she's staying just as mad each day.

You need to get off your high horse and stop minimising what you have done.
You were having an emotional affair with this OW. You know it but are still denying it, it is worse for a wife to know this about her H. You have gaslighted your wife, minimised the extent of your emailing, cleaned up the audit trail, etc so in short you have to stop kidding yourself about the severity of what you have done. Just because you did not stick your **** into this OW does not lessen the pain of betrayal for your BW.

Nothing will get better until you yourself stop the minimising, face up to the cold hard reality of your EA and face the music, you have done more damage because of the length of time of your hiding this from your wife, much worse than a ONS.

Good luck, but if you are that devious, I think your wife is better off leaving you. Trust is the very foundation of a marriage, if she cannot trust you, what is there left?
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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 11:16 AM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

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Originally Posted by Girl Gone View Post
You shouldn't have to hide a friendship. It sucks but I'm the same boat.

Most of my friends are male. It been that way since I was a child

The hubs hates it but I'm not going to be friendless because of his insecurities and I'm no going to tolerate a whiney jealous man either so he's on a need to know basis.
Perhaps your poor unsuspecting H shouldn't tolerate a wife who lies to him either.

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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 01:03 PM
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Re: 4 weeks of trying to get her to just talk to me.

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Perhaps your poor unsuspecting H shouldn't tolerate a wife who lies to him either.
Poor unsuspecting? Lies? Not really. These people are friends and co-workers. I have relationships apart from my immediate family. I live and function in this world too.

His actions led to my reaction. I've never been unfaithful or given him any reason to believe I was. He on the other hand cannot say the same.

Jealousy is not an attractive trait in a man, especially when its unfounded.

Then again, maybe he's just projecting....
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