HELP: Married to an Aspergers husband + LIES
I don’t know what to do about My Husband. We met online and had a whirlwind romance, several trips abroad to visit each other, a month vacation/Christmas with my family and married all within 5 months. I was with the love of my life… Now bumping up against our 2-year wedding anniversary, I feel like he is not the one for me.
He isn’t what he seemed when we met. Or maybe I just could not see him for what he was. How can I feel so much love towards him and yet want to separate myself from him like this. He had a boyish curiosity that at first I found charming. I soon realized that charming was the wrong word. He was a boy. Delays on trips, or losing at a game would spark outbursts of anger or episodes of full disassociation. He started walking around with a constant chip on his shoulder, rudely treating shop attendants, having embarrassing anger at machines that weren’t working or traffic. His Ego began to crush us, he is so narcissistic and he can’t be wrong about anything. Denying things that were plain as day in front of him. His viewpoints were closed and cannot relate to the world, regularly making shallow, judgmental and even racist/sexist remarks/ views. Although I new he was I bit of an introvert and nerdy (Programmer), when we were dating he seemed to really enjoy the travel we shared and being around, I never heard him say anything in such poor taste and neither had my family. Post wedding, he NEVER wants to go out anywhere or see anybody, the friends he spoke of were no where to be found. When we did venture into the world or manage to have friends or family visit, he would act out in some way, or cheat at the games, or say inappropriate things. As a highly educated anthropologist, with a spark for culture, travel and understanding this was all coming in as a shock to me. Where was this when we were dating? we had these same types of situations and conversations and he seemed fine…We would have massive fights, he would say he didn’t know why and make lavish promises to do better and to change, or alternatively he would just deny everything or that he did nothing wrong at all, or did not cheat when we all saw him do it. I never knew which man to expect, the apologetic one who wants to right his wrongs, or the ego jerk who is never wrong and will fight to the death even in the face of evidence or confrontation. Even when the nicer version shows, there would be no follow through with behavioral changes, it was all lip service.
He has and incredibly tragic upbringing, and was never brought up right (orphan), he has huge emotional and developmental traumas (parents were drunks and died), These are some of the things that my heart fell in love with. He was so strong to make it through those things and still be so loving towards me. He also Has MS, it is a milder version for now anyway, and has not impacted us greatly at this time and has the potential to. This I was fully aware of when we met and I loved him anyways. His past in combination with all of the social, marital and behavioral problems, I convinced him to go see a therapist. He only went once a month and sometimes came home saying that he didn’t think he needed it. His behavior did not change.
A few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Asperger’s to explain a lot of the social behavioral issues, but it is on top of all his other ****, co-occurring disorders with trauma, and early childhood abuse, and MS. I was becoming so overwhelmed with everything, as I started to read about NT-AS partnerships. Reading story after story of how wives of AS partners feel empty and lonely, without understanding or affection in there lives, no lively banter between partners, taking the lead on all stressful situation because the partner can’t handle it, 80% divorce rates…my hope began to drain and my frustrations elevated. Is there anything positive out there! I began to feel like the marriage was ending. I would get bursts of hope and love, and I would think back to the endless hours we spent talking and how wonderful and supportive he was as I recounted tragedies in my life. We had bonded and I loved and trusted this person, he is my husband after all. So, we began to look into couple’s therapists and support groups. Just when it felt like we might be gaining some traction and reaching into his issues, the lie came out… not because he told me but because I found out.
The major lie is as follows:
Many of the reasons our relationship moved so quickly is because I was made to feel as if he was emotionally, physically, generally willing/available to be in a serious relationship. We talked at length about our values, our goals/dreams, our histories our romantic partners, our fears, EVERYTHING. We were long distance so the conversation was all we had for weeks at a time, and we were never not talking. Falling asleep with the skype screen on. I felt like I new him and his circumstances well. He presented himself as a career man ( IT worker makes a good salary) who was ready for a family, who wanted life and love particularly due to his orphan hood, he has no living family.
When we met, he told me he had been single for a year. He had a nice apartment in the city and was living with a Flat mate (female) all of which I saw/met over skype. He and his roommate did not get along at all! When I asked about her and what was going on, he told me that she was an old friend and was stiffing him on the bills. Essentially, they had met a few years prior online playing WOW. He was relocating counties (to UK), which is where she lived and she offered to help him out finding an apartment. She would gather the deposit money from her family (which he paid back promptly) and get the proper documentation to rent a place, if in exchange he gave her 2 months’ free rent. And then they would move forward as regular flat mates with equal bill. A year passed and she never paid anything, which was about the time he and I met and I saw how poorly they got along. Through my encouragement he kicked her out. Shortly after I came to visit him in his home (he had already been to mine and met my family), the home we would come to share together. Now because of my trust issues from my ****ty pants past I asked him on multiple occasion while we were still dating about the nature of his relationship with his flat mate and he always vehemently defended that they were and always had been just friends/flat mates.
So, when I was in the process of moving in after our wedding (almost 2 yrs ago) it came as a surprise when I discovered a greeting card that congratulated him on his engagement to his flat mate! I confronted him with it and he immediately began laughing, grabbed the card from my hand and told me that when he and her had first moved in together one of her relatives mistook the nature of the relationship and accidentally sent this card, oh how funny it was he said. It seemed strange, but as newlyweds I wanted to believe him, and did. We moved forward. It stuck with me though, and there were a few times when I would occasionally ask if he was sure that’s all it was, and he would reassure me.
Now fast forward to the present, about 2 weeks ago I got a letter in the mail that changed everything. Ever since his flat mate moved out, he has been pursuing the owed money. It is a years worth of half the rent, bills, etc so its is a substantial amount. She had bee evading his contact and requests for payment plans or some sort of deal and he eventually threatened legal action to get the money back. So she lawyered up and sent a letter to us. I opened it and it proceeded to describe the history of them knowing each other. The letter informs me that they had met on WOW, and then entered into a romantic relationship. Then she moved to his country and they lived together for almost 2 years, and were engaged. It tells me how they moved here to this apartment together and that her, and her family were confused why he wanted the money because he was supporting her during that time, it documented that their relationship deteriorated and that is when he met me and pursued me. He was not single when I met him! He was still in the backlash of a previous engagement! I know this stuff is “technically before he met me” but she was there in our house, I waved at her and ****. And that was his ex fiancée. He Lied bold face about who she was and who they were for 2 years, and actively covered it up with the greeting card. When I read that letter my heart broke. Frankly, If when we had met online he said that he was still living with his ex fiancée and they were all wrapped up in money issues, I would have pumped the breaks or said hey man that seems a bit messy, sort that **** first then maybe we will talk. We were in different countries. Instead he told me single for a year living with a pal. Those are two different picture.
I confronted him on the letter. He admitted to the relationship and the engagement but maintained that the romantic relationship ended before the relocation here. He began to tell me that they did live together as fiancée in his country but then the relationship ended and she left back to UK. Then 5 months later he sells his apartment and she offers to help him find a place and the rest of his original story is true. He said that’s how he was able to lie, that he told me he had never had sexual relations with his flat mate, and during the time that they were flat mates statement was true ( scary ****ed up logic right?. I did not believe for a second that two people who were engaged for a year could live together without something happening. He told me I was wrong. I was really mad, and hurt and betrayed and all those things you feel when someone you love lies.
I packed my bags and began taking down posters and pictures, and pulling my suitcases out of storage. I called my family and friends and they were all shocked. They did however advise me to slow down. This was my marriage, I had just come on quite a lot of news, don’t make a rash choice or a big decision that changes both your lives while you are angry and crying and flipping out. So I agreed. He left the house for a few nights and I ready the guest room for his return after the cool down, our life was on pause. We booked in for couple’s therapy and I demanded he up his personal therapy to once a week instead of once a month. How could all this be happening on top of al the other issues we were facing, the MS, the Asperger’s, the Ego, the anger, and now LIES.
In light of everything he went into major apology mode. He has begun admitting to faults that he has NEVER admitted to, very articulately taking accountability for a thousand things in our relationship that he has done wrong. Says he is having an awakening and he made a horrible mistake in the beginning to tell the lie and felt like he had no choice but to maintain it, but that was it that is the only thing. He loves me desperately and is here and wants to make this work. He is saying he is ready and willing to do anything. Over the last few weeks ( it has been 3 weeks 4 days since I opened the letter, we are in separate rooms, no physical contact) he has gone above and beyond with dinners and outing and things that I have literally been begging him to do since we first got hitched ( which is hard for introverted Asperger’s).
a few nights ago I told him that I still did not believe he was telling me the whole truth about the Ex. I did not believe that they had no relations while they were here and that it made more sense that they were together. He maintained and maintained that was not the case. But I did not back down, I even made it sound like I had some kind of evidence and then after 30 min of lying directly to my face he came out with it, they had slept together, but of course this time he tells me it was just in the beginning, and they really were long over when I cam along. I have no idea what to believe or how to feel. How can this be the same man that I fell for and made me feel so safe and loved. He did not cheat as this was all directly before we met, but I feel like he drastically manipulated the circumstances under which we met and fell in love. I feel cheated.
Before the lie I was doubting things, we had so many struggles, and now this. I feel like He is on his own team. His personality and social skills are adolescent. He has Asperger’s, he manipulates, he has trauma and anger issues, he has MS. He is sweet and kind and I believe he has tried his best for me. I am empty. Drained by his prescience. Constantly perplexed as to how he wooed me. All I saw was love. Nothing else, just the love, Deep and burning for me. I could not help but warm myself beside it. I did not know I would be left with a child creating the shadow of a man. I thought he was a regular guy, a little shy/quirky and a little introverted, but wicked smart. He has no ability to relate to me, emotionally/intellectually stimulate me. Some how it all piled up and I find myself struggling to know who he is, what is true, or how I feel.
In the meanwhile he stares at me with his puppy dog eyes and tells me how confused and sorry he is how he want our dream of family to still be true, and is showing me with behavior that he Is doing things he has not done in past. He wants to show me that he is that man I met and he hates who he has become and he does not want to treat me these ways. I don’t know what to do…..I feel like I don’t want to run away from my true love , but with the problems and the lies I don’t see how I can stay. I am so upset and confused, I don’t want to give up on good love , deep love …or am I in la la land thinking that those aspects of our life together were even real…. Any comments or advice are welcome!!!!
Last edited by AspieWife123; 08-07-2016 at 02:52 AM.