In need of support to weather the storm - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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In need of support to weather the storm

The H and I have recently come upon hard times. We've known each other for 11 years and have been married for 8. We have two children ages 6 and 5.

About two weeks ago, we got into a fight – I went away on business and when I went to call him, he was busy with his video game streaming and didn't pick up the phone, but instead texted me. I'm an old fashioned girl and as his wife, I feel taking my call should be more important than video games – and that's when it all went downhill. I found out many, many things in that fight – basically coming down to he's not happy in our relationship and wants a divorce. He went into detail about the things that I had done that caused him to feel emotionally dead towards me – and I of course immediately feel guilty as I realized there were many things I had done (unintentionally) and never took it to heart because he would never really talk to me about anything. Instead he would just start drinking more and more, but feel resentful towards me that I wasn't even taking notice. I apologized profusely and vowed to make it better, but he told me it was already too late.

It turns out that he had been feeling so neglected by me for such a long time that within the past month found himself in an EA with one of his gaming friends and it had been going on pretty much since the start of July. He didn't want to tell me of it, but I had suspicions and had to weasel it out of him. He admitted he feels terrible that things got so bad that it came to this. But despite the fact that this OW is ALSO in a bad marriage, he refuses to let go of this EA and ultimately wants to end it with me.

If it weren't for our two young children, I feel he would've been gone long before the EA started. But because of them, he stayed on with me and now we are where we are now. We have agreed to stay in the same house until Christmas (because we want the kids to have a good Christmas) and because financially we aren't in the position to go our separate ways yet. We've still been sleeping in the same bed, and have even had sex a few times.

For me, I do not want a divorce. I have already taken many strides in improving myself taking special notice of the things he specifically listed. I know it is still very early on, and I anticipate that resolving this can take months, if not years - but every day is a struggle. One minute, I'm feeling empowered and confident I can do this, then another moment will come and I'm lost in depression wondering how I'm ever going to move on in my life if we can't reconcile. I suppose I am needing some words of inspiration or encouragement to help me through this difficult time.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

An EA is essentially an addiction. Every time he games/chats with the OW he gets a hit of a mix of pleasure brain chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, etc). If you want to attempt to save the marriage you need to break his addiction. Right now you are letting him get the benefits you provide and you are letting him get high off of the OW. You need to shut him down and start to get him out of your life and work to improve yourself. There is a procedure called the 180 where you focus on yourself and limit contact with your spouse. There are several threads on the 180 that you can search for. If it works he will start to feel the loss of you and at one time he did feel for you and this loss may cause him to reevaluate his EA.

Here is a link to help explain the actions to take while doing the 180:
http://www.affaircare.com/the-180/



Right now you are enabling him to continue without consequences which in the end do nothing to help. Stand up for your marriage and demand the EA stops and he cuts contact with the OW and becomes transparent with communication. If he can't do that begin the 180 to cut him off from you and work on yourself.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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Last edited by meson; 08-10-2016 at 01:37 PM. Reason: Added 180 link
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:31 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

Honey, I am sorry you are here.

I love that you have really taken in all his criticism and are trying to work on the things you need to improve on.

Of course it takes two to make your marriage a success, and he needs to be willing to cut all ties with the OW.

I believe that once a person starts a EA, suddenly the things that annoy them about their spouse become amplified. Things that before they accepted as being married to an imperfect person, suddenly become so pronounced that they want a divorce, as the new AP seems so wonderful and understanding, waaaay better than their spouse...

I think if he stops the EA, you guys can have a chance. Maybe things will improve over the next six months.

I wish you the absolute best.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:31 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

sounds like you're the only one holding out any hope. you're something comfortable for him (and someone to ****) while he waits for christmas.

i'd suggest that you tell him that if he stays, the ea is over and it's counseling to get the marriage on track. otherwise show him the front door.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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Originally Posted by UnhappyCat View Post
The H and I have recently come upon hard times. We've known each other for 11 years and have been married for 8. We have two children ages 6 and 5.

About two weeks ago, we got into a fight – I went away on business and when I went to call him, he was busy with his video game streaming and didn't pick up the phone, but instead texted me. I'm an old fashioned girl and as his wife, I feel taking my call should be more important than video games There is nothing old fashion or new fashion about this. It is your right as a spouse to demand full attention from your husband – and that's when it all went downhill. I found out many, many things in that fight – basically coming down to he's not happy in our relationship and wants a divorce. He went into detail about the things that I had done that caused him to feel emotionally dead towards me – and I of course immediately feel guilty as I realized there were many things I had done (unintentionally) and never took it to heart because he would never really talk to me about anything. You are not a mind-reader. If something bothers him it is his responsibility to make it known to you. Instead he would just start drinking more and more, but feel resentful towards me that I wasn't even taking notice. I apologized profusely and vowed to make it better, but he told me it was already too late. Your husband is acting like a little brat. You have nothing to apologize for.

It turns out that he had been feeling so neglected by me for such a long time that within the past month found himself in an EA with one of his gaming friends and it had been going on pretty much since the start of July. EA is the result of his gaming addiction. Your absence was just convenient. He didn't want to tell me of it, but I had suspicions and had to weasel it out of him. He didn't tell you because he is a lying coward. He admitted he feels terrible that things got so bad that it came to this. But despite the fact that this OW is ALSO in a bad marriage, he refuses to let go of this EA and ultimately wants to end it with me. If he really felt terrible he would have ended the EA.

If it weren't for our two young children, I feel he would've been gone long before the EA started. But because of them, he stayed on with me and now we are where we are now. We have agreed to stay in the same house until Christmas (because we want the kids to have a good Christmas) and because financially we aren't in the position to go our separate ways yet. You are in a good financial position to have him leave. You can keep the house with your income plus his alimony and child support. We've still been sleeping in the same bed, and have even had sex a few times. You are his unpaid prostitute.

For me, I do not want a divorce. You have no control over this. He had chosen the OW over you and the children. Unless he ends the EA the divorce is inevitable. I have already taken many strides in improving myself taking special notice of the things he specifically listed. I know it is still very early on, and I anticipate that resolving this can take months, if not years - but every day is a struggle. One minute, I'm feeling empowered and confident I can do this, then another moment will come and I'm lost in depression wondering how I'm ever going to move on in my life if we can't reconcile. I suppose I am needing some words of inspiration or encouragement to help me through this difficult time. You can improve yourself but you cannot improve this marriage unless he is willing to end the EA.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

Thank you for the link to the 180. I will definitely revisit this list when I start feeling discouraged. At this point in time, I'm not going to mention the EA to him again. I have already told him in a calm manner that if we are going to fix our marriage, he needs to give her up or at least stop talking to her about our marriage. I think if I were to keep bringing it up, it would only piss him off and ruin any chance of reconciliation. Right now is still very, very early in the process. He has told me that he will no longer be drinking during the week as he had been doing prior to getting all of this out in the air. I'm hoping that once he isn't dulling his senses with alcohol, he'll start seeing things a little more clearly, and if he wants to save the marriage, he'll need to work on things, too.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Honey, I am sorry you are here.

I love that you have really taken in all his criticism and are trying to work on the things you need to improve on.

Of course it takes two to make your marriage a success, and he needs to be willing to cut all ties with the OW.

I believe that once a person starts a EA, suddenly the things that annoy them about their spouse become amplified. Things that before they accepted as being married to an imperfect person, suddenly become so pronounced that they want a divorce, as the new AP seems so wonderful and understanding, waaaay better than their spouse...

I think if he stops the EA, you guys can have a chance. Maybe things will improve over the next six months.

I wish you the absolute best.
I think so, too - but I'm not going to force or rush anything. I think I got this if I can just keep being positive. He may continue on with the separation after Christmas or he may realize that being with me isn't so bad. I think in time, he'll realize the EA isn't going to go anywhere - he already knows that she is still married and that even if things did start to go somewhere, he'd be stuck paying me alimony for a life he's not living with me, she wouldn't be getting anything from her husband if she lived with him, so this happiness he thinks he might find from her probably wouldn't last much longer than ours once the reality sets in.

Right now more than anything, they are both feeling hopelessly trapped in a situation where they are not happy and are taking comfort in each other.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

Technically, I am not the unpaid prostitute, he is. Since he has "given up" on me, he hasn't wanted to be intimate, so I pretty much told him if he is going to stay in the house, he had best be addressing my needs. He's only refused me once this week, which I will allow since it was a work day and our bed gives him terrible back pain, but if he refuses me during the weekend he will be getting another talking to.

And our financial situation is pretty dire. Last year, I quit my job to start my own business. My income varies from month to month. Sometimes I make just enough to barely cover our health insurance, let alone any other bills. If I want to be able to keep the kids, I'd have to be able to prove to the judge that I'd be able to provide for them. We also have heaps of credit card debt on top of that. He's not trying to run off and leave me destitute, nor does he want me to take everything from him, which I am perfectly fine with.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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Originally Posted by UnhappyCat View Post
Thank you for the link to the 180. I will definitely revisit this list when I start feeling discouraged. At this point in time, I'm not going to mention the EA to him again. I have already told him in a calm manner that if we are going to fix our marriage, he needs to give her up or at least stop talking to her about our marriage. I think if I were to keep bringing it up, it would only piss him off and ruin any chance of reconciliation. Right now is still very, very early in the process. He has told me that he will no longer be drinking during the week as he had been doing prior to getting all of this out in the air. I'm hoping that once he isn't dulling his senses with alcohol, he'll start seeing things a little more clearly, and if he wants to save the marriage, he'll need to work on things, too.
You can't underestimate the pull and power of an EA. it is an infatuation which is creating new neural connection with the OW and removing some with you. He is seeing the marriage through a fog and it's probable that he will start rewriting the history of your marriage.

You said yourself in the opening post that he doesn't want to end the EA and he wants to end the marriage. Leaving him free communicate with the OW does nothing but strengthen their bond. Not drinking during the week is not going to stop him from being in the fog. He is addicted to the interaction with the OW and that is what needs to be terminated quickly and forcibly.

Otherwise you are only slowing him to continue which will end the marriage.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

At this point, it is sounding more and more like he just wants to end the marriage. I can tell that he feels he is being forced to stay due to our financial situation and fear that I'll take the kids away from him if he were to move out. I told him that he is free to go at any time. I even looked up the laws of abandonment for our state and tried to assure him that I'm not so vindictive as to keep him from seeing his kids, but he still thinks that it doesn't work that way.

I have a feeling we will be talking a little bit more about it this weekend. We spoke briefly of it tonight on the phone, but then he quickly changed the subject saying that now wasn't a good time to discuss it since he was at work. I really do want to reconcile with him while he's still living in the house, but my gut intuition is telling me that if he's ever going to be open to working on our marriage, he has to go.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 10:01 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

Is this post for real too? You're having sex with this guy still? WTF??? If you have to get off, they make vibrators.

Kick him out of the bedroom. Better yet, kick him out of the house. Do you really love this guy or you just afraid to go on with life without him? This sounds like a disaster, are you really wanting to spend the rest of your life with this bum?
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 10:17 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

If I were in your shoes, there is absolutely no way in hell that I'd want to be sleeping with him!
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 10:29 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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An EA is essentially an addiction. Every time he games/chats with the OW he gets a hit of a mix of pleasure brain chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, etc). If you want to attempt to save the marriage you need to break his addiction. Right now you are letting him get the benefits you provide and you are letting him get high off of the OW. You need to shut him down and start to get him out of your life and work to improve yourself. There is a procedure called the 180 where you focus on yourself and limit contact with your spouse. There are several threads on the 180 that you can search for. If it works he will start to feel the loss of you and at one time he did feel for you and this loss may cause him to reevaluate his EA.

Here is a link to help explain the actions to take while doing the 180:
The 180 U Turn - Affaircare



Right now you are enabling him to continue without consequences which in the end do nothing to help. Stand up for your marriage and demand the EA stops and he cuts contact with the OW and becomes transparent with communication. If he can't do that begin the 180 to cut him off from you and work on yourself.
I agree with this. I would like to add another resource I found useful. If the first chapter resonates, you can buy the book easily. Good luck.

http://files.tyndale.com/thpdata/fir...143-1745-8.pdf
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 11:53 PM
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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I highly doubt you'd fit in her shoes.
Not in a month of Sundays, I'd greatly venture!
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 03:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: In need of support to weather the storm

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Is this post for real too? You're having sex with this guy still? WTF??? If you have to get off, they make vibrators.

Kick him out of the bedroom. Better yet, kick him out of the house. Do you really love this guy or you just afraid to go on with life without him? This sounds like a disaster, are you really wanting to spend the rest of your life with this bum?
Yes, it is a real post. And I can say the fear of living life without him is very real. I love him and he's the one I imagined I would be with for the rest of my life. There's also the kids that will be upset and hurt once he leaves. On top of that, it doesn't really matter if I kick him out of the bed or not as he works third shift so our sleeping times don't overlap by much.
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