Idk what's going on. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:09 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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Either way, you're plan B.
She was and is her own plan A.

EVERYONE else, including OP, is plan B, and always will be.

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post #32 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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There was no cheating. She found this guy well after we decided to divorce. Well it was her decision.
Either way, you're plan B.
No you are right. She even said I'm the only guy that can make her not want to be with that guy even though he cheated on her. Smh idk why
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post #33 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Take it very slowly and cautiously. The big reasons you broke up you both remember. It is the other 10,000 little piddly things that you forget about...until they come around again and cause the same heartaches.

Take it slow. Go to couples counseling. You may be able to co-habitate again, but don't get remarried. You have both proven to each other you cannot handle marriage.
I agree. We were very much in love we have pictures and memories we still talk about today. I didn't know what it meant to be a true husband and father then but I've learned a lot.
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post #34 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Either way, you're plan B.
She was and is her own plan A.

EVERYONE else, including OP, is plan B, and always will be.
She has been really selfish in all this but I see things are changing in her when we are around each other.
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post #35 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:27 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Don't know enough about your age, history, kids ages, etc to provide context.

A lot of people on TAM recommend serving divorce papers when a relationship is too far gone (infidelity in particular). The idea is you sometimes have to risk losing your marriage to save it.

It sounds like your EXW did exactly that, and you are responding the way TAM posters hope if there is a chance to fix the marriage.

So we rarely get posts from your side of the equation. But if we did we would be skeptical of your changes and be supportive of your EXW.

Are your changes real? How can you prove this? Can you be trusted not to revert back to your d0uchbaggery? You'll have to answer those questions - and the REAL reasons you value her above all others - if you want a chance


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post #36 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 04:32 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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She has been really selfish in all this but I see things are changing in her when we are around each other.
You are both selfish. That is why you should never remarry. Live together, but never remarry.
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post #37 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Don't know enough about your age, history, kids ages, etc to provide context.

A lot of people on TAM recommend serving divorce papers when a relationship is too far gone (infidelity in particular). The idea is you sometimes have to risk losing your marriage to save it.

It sounds like your EXW did exactly that, and you are responding the way TAM posters hope if there is a chance to fix the marriage.

So we rarely get posts from your side of the equation. But if we did we would be skeptical of your changes and be supportive of your EXW.

Are your changes real? How can you prove this? Can you be trusted not to revert back to your d0uchbaggery? You'll have to answer those questions - and the REAL reasons you value her above all others - if you want a chance


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I get that and I was a lack luster husband. I'm 30 she is 28 we met when she was 17. We have two girls 8 and 5. We had a lot of problems towards the end putting both of our needs before the other person. I think my changes are for real. Since all I'm way closer to my kiddos and she sees that I take them everywhere with me. They are my two best friends. I see what I was missing and what I had and I want it back. I miss the family life.
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post #38 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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She has been really selfish in all this but I see things are changing in her when we are around each other.
You are both selfish. That is why you should never remarry. Live together, but never remarry.
Why never remarry. The type of relationship we had before I got my crazy hectic job was inlike any other. We built a home together. It was ours. We were very poor when I got my new job we bought bigger and bills got out of control. I feel we both needed this to see what the other was worth.
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post #39 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 06:31 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

You both have maturing to do. I echo the recommendation for couples counseling and you may have to see several to find a good one. I suspect you both have done bad habits and unrealistic expectations and views that an independent person could help identify so you can work through them


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post #40 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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You both have maturing to do. I echo the recommendation for couples counseling and you may have to see several to find a good one. I suspect you both have done bad habits and unrealistic expectations and views that an independent person could help identify so you can work through them


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Yeah I agree. We both have unreal expectations in a partner. She wants a highschool romance and I want the fairytale wife that cooks and cleans. I did all of the house work before cook clean laundry. I think we both realize now that stuff isn't important as long as you love each other and put each other before yourself.

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post #41 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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So..... I went through her phone last night and found proof she cheated on me. I then work her up and she confessed to everything. This morning we talked and she wants a clean slate. Says that's the reason she didn't want to work things out before. To much guilt. Idk what to do?
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post #42 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 04:25 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

OP,
You seem, from what you have posted, to be maturing. You are beginning to see the importance of family. I am not sure she truly is. She sounds very spoiled and immature. I would also recommend that you move forward very slowly. It is important to remember that words have no meaning without actions to back them up. Anyone can say anything but the proof is in the doing.

She may actually be experiencing growth but I would want proof before committing to her again so, again, take it slow and look for signs of her words becoming reality or of them just being words and then act accordingly. I understand your desire to reunite your family but if you rush forward too quickly you may be repeating this all over again in the not to distant future.

Peace and long life
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post #43 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 05:17 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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Yes I know she has that issue. She has been taken care of her whole life. She hasn't been out on her own yet. Still lives with her mom. Her ex though was broke and she had to pay for everything. So she did have a guy she had to take care of. Smh lol
You could just as easily be the one with co-dependency issues. If you're happy when she's happy, but you choose work over her or shut down when she's upset, you probably rely on her to make you happy. If that is true, you are likely to fall back into the same patterns she was ready to leave behind. And to be honest, if she ended the marriage, she at least recognizes her ability to control her own happiness. I think you'll need to serve yourself a big slice of humble pie before moving forward.
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post #44 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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OP,
You seem, from what you have posted, to be maturing. You are beginning to see the importance of family. I am not sure she truly is. She sounds very spoiled and immature. I would also recommend that you move forward very slowly. It is important to remember that words have no meaning without actions to back them up. Anyone can say anything but the proof is in the doing.

She may actually be experiencing growth but I would want proof before committing to her again so, again, take it slow and look for signs of her words becoming reality or of them just being words and then act accordingly. I understand your desire to reunite your family but if you rush forward too quickly you may be repeating this all over again in the not to distant future.
I agree. I want nothing more than to have my family back. I think she is slowly maturing but I've been alone since she left and she never has. Hard to mature with someone taking care of you.
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post #45 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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Yes I know she has that issue. She has been taken care of her whole life. She hasn't been out on her own yet. Still lives with her mom. Her ex though was broke and she had to pay for everything. So she did have a guy she had to take care of. Smh lol
You could just as easily be the one with co-dependency issues. If you're happy when she's happy, but you choose work over her or shut down when she's upset, you probably rely on her to make you happy. If that is true, you are likely to fall back into the same patterns she was ready to leave behind. And to be honest, if she ended the marriage, she at least recognizes her ability to control her own happiness. I think you'll need to serve yourself a big slice of humble pie before moving forward.
I learned a lot through this and it's that family is more important than anything else. She thought this would bring her happiness but it didn't. She looked at me after I found out last night and said scream at me something and I just couldn't. She said I deserved better than her but that's what she doesn't realize she is my want.
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