Idk what's going on. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #46 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 05:35 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Nice that she's kept you on standby when the move-on guy was full on. Now you're the fall back plan it's not a deal breaker but you're going to have to big time man up, not be "nice guy" because what makes you think you've improved your standing since she first made you redundant with a more promising man. Remember that you're all ready well down in the "viable man" rankings just be being a doormat for her to use when it suits her.

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post #47 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-13-2016, 07:37 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

I'm sorry but cheaters CAN change but alot comes down to the circumstances at the time.

My husband was a cheater in a previous relationship but I can say whole heartedly he would never do this on me.
What a cheater will always suffer from is paranoia. That never goes away.


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post #48 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-14-2016, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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I'm sorry but cheaters CAN change but alot comes down to the circumstances at the time.

My husband was a cheater in a previous relationship but I can say whole heartedly he would never do this on me.
What a cheater will always suffer from is paranoia. That never goes away.


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What do you mean paranoia? Like she will always feel
Like she is doing something wrong? She was cheated on by a guy that "treated her better than me" she said it sucks and I looked at her dead and the face and said yes it does. She then told me I know. You shouldn't be with me because I'm a bad person and shouldn't be with anyone.
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post #49 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-14-2016, 11:28 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Krazy,

Maybe I missed something, but if I read it correctly initially in this thread you stated that you were DIVORCED when she started to have sex with this OM, and now you have discovered that she actually was cheating on you. If I got that wrong, I apologize.

That changes EVERYTHING. !!!! So she was cheating on you and actually agreed to divorce you to be with OM. He turns out to give her a dose of her own medicine, and only then she decides you are now the one for her. That is Plan B right out of the cheaters handbook and I do not care how much you are enjoying this new found closeness. You are being manipulated with sex.

You have continuously placed and accepted the blame here which might have made some sense if she had actually divorced you first. Then she would not have been cheating with this OM.

So now you have a ex wife who wants to reconcile because her new guy cheated. And what makes you so convinced that if he comes begging back that she will not cheat again. Please do not say you now believe everything or anything she says just because she is hanging out in your bed regularly.

I am NOT telling you to not consider continuing to see her. But if you do not want to greatly increase your chances of getting whacked again, you better put aside you blaming yourself and enter into any new relationship with your eyes wide olpen and trusting nothing that you cannot verify.

Whatever your problems were ( work, hobbies etc) you both owned 50% of the marital probes. SHE OWNS THE INFIDELITY 100% and unless she convinces you of that you are just rugsweeping this .
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post #50 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-14-2016, 11:56 PM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

If the demise of the marriage was on you, and you think you've grown and won't repeat what you did last time, then go for it. Love her, honor her, and cherish her and the girls, and all should be well.

Every day when you get up ask yourself what is one thing you could do today that would make her happy. It can be small things but she'll notice.

Don't ever take them for granted again. I think you'll be ok.
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post #51 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-15-2016, 01:24 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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Originally Posted by Krazyguy View Post
Confidence issues no. I gained 40 lbs a muscle so lack of having other girls around is not the issue.
Forty pounds of muscle has no chance against two ounces of savvy, unsavory feminine guile.

She will twist your Little Head more Clockwise-Aft than a Hoot Owl that has a rear-facing imminent-demise fulmination.

No? She did it once, eh?

Play with fire, Vulcan. Go ahead!

I say do not re-merge with the Old Flame, lest she consummate the recent charbroil and finally consume you for the foolish moth that you are.

If you choose to jump off the cliff............never marry her. Keep your heart buried in a 32d Mason jar...in the back yard.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #52 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-15-2016, 01:31 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natthewife View Post
I'm sorry but cheaters CAN change but alot comes down to the circumstances at the time.

My husband was a cheater in a previous relationship but I can say whole heartedly he would never do this on me.
What a cheater will always suffer from is paranoia. That never goes away.


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Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to........never say never.

Though, character can be stone....sweet water can erode it.

Given time, a small crack, with running water working that divide, will dissolve its resolve.

SunCMars

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 08-15-2016 at 01:38 AM. Reason: missed the water under the bridge
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post #53 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-15-2016, 01:56 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Knowing that she had an affair and left you while married for someone else, how do you truly know where her truth lies? Do you think she is manipulating the situation and if so, are you walking into another round with eyes wide open understanding everything that has happened with not just you but her also, or eyes completely shut willing for anything including she could cheat on you again just to try to have a chance for your family to be together?

I feel if you are willing to put the past aside and place all your chips in the center of the table, so should she.

Let her know that you are not willing to accept being lied to and cheated on again, and that putting your family first means that honesty and transparency in everything must come and if that fails, love will not survive it again. You cannot control the outcome, but without both of you trusting the process of rejoining life as a family together and the work involved, her chance of failing you again will happen.

To go into this without conditions and standards is madness, she has to know up front that if she waivers again in her loyalty to your relationship that you will end the only opportunity she has to make the past mistakes right and you will end it with the confidence you did your best moving on with your life as the best dad you can be for your girls and whatever comes to her simply comes. She must have no doubt that any future outcome cheating on you again will end very, very badly as your family will be forever broken up.

You do not need to remarry to build a good family home, what you do need is trust and respect, love and kindness, giving and commitment, dedication and loyalty... if you can maintain this again for a longer time than when she ran out on you with another man while you were married, then think about remarriage, by then your foundation will be sound.

If your heart tells you this is right and your mind tells you it is worth the risk, take the step... give your children a hug as you do, I hear in your words they are worth this effort.
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post #54 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-15-2016, 09:45 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

If you value your self-respect, I would move on. How will you ever be able to trust her again?
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post #55 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 11:59 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Krazy,

Maybe I missed something, but if I read it correctly initially in this thread you stated that you were DIVORCED when she started to have sex with this OM, and now you have discovered that she actually was cheating on you. If I got that wrong, I apologize.

That changes EVERYTHING. !!!! So she was cheating on you and actually agreed to divorce you to be with OM. He turns out to give her a dose of her own medicine, and only then she decides you are now the one for her. That is Plan B right out of the cheaters handbook and I do not care how much you are enjoying this new found closeness. You are being manipulated with sex.

You have continuously placed and accepted the blame here which might have made some sense if she had actually divorced you first. Then she would not have been cheating with this OM.

So now you have a ex wife who wants to reconcile because her new guy cheated. And what makes you so convinced that if he comes begging back that she will not cheat again. Please do not say you now believe everything or anything she says just because she is hanging out in your bed regularly.

I am NOT telling you to not consider continuing to see her. But if you do not want to greatly increase your chances of getting whacked again, you better put aside you blaming yourself and enter into any new relationship with your eyes wide olpen and trusting nothing that you cannot verify.

Whatever your problems were ( work, hobbies etc) you both owned 50% of the marital probes. SHE OWNS THE INFIDELITY 100% and unless she convinces you of that you are just rugsweeping this .
She cheated with a different guy and I know I told her it would take time to trust her again

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post #56 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by LucasJackson View Post
If the demise of the marriage was on you, and you think you've grown and won't repeat what you did last time, then go for it. Love her, honor her, and cherish her and the girls, and all should be well.

Every day when you get up ask yourself what is one thing you could do today that would make her happy. It can be small things but she'll notice.

Don't ever take them for granted again. I think you'll be ok.
I'm not owning her cheating but the demise of our marriage yes. I was a horrible husband but great provider
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post #57 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 05:24 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to........never say never.

Though, character can be stone....sweet water can erode it.

Given time, a small crack, with running water working that divide, will dissolve its resolve.

SunCMars


Beautifully written yet negative message.
Does life not need more positivity?


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post #58 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natthewife View Post
Beautifully written yet negative message.
Does life not need more positivity?


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Yes it does, my apologies. Life is ONEderful, tis' better when you add another digit to it. TWOnice, one should be!

My apologies to @Krazyguy also. He should give her another try. As others have said, do not marry for a while to see if the riff has nicely scabbed over....maybe two years.

OP told us [that] there was no cheating behavior during the marriage. I accept that [in the absence of any red-flags or solid evidence].

OP got divorced for irreconcilable differences? Sounds like those differences are NOW, less onerous. Both parties have matured.

She came back because the grass is not always greener in Freedom Land. Yes, KG could be plan B.

Note: he was Plan A at one time. He can get himself promoted if he learns his lessons and she gives him friendly clue cards.

Good Luck to Krazy! Ho-Boy that sounds Nuts!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #59 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 09:19 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

and for god sake please please get a prenup, while you have been saving she might have been spending on loser boyfriend and perhaps she is seeing her funds get low now and if you remarry protect your assets, otherwise if something goes wrong done the road you give 50% of what you just got out of the marriage in the first place. and if you don't think that will happen i have a friend who is kicking himself for the exact same thing that happen to him.
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post #60 of 81 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Idk what's going on.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Yes it does, my apologies. Life is ONEderful, tis' better when you add another digit to it. TWOnice, one should be!

My apologies to @Krazyguy also. He should give her another try. As others have said, do not marry for a while to see if the riff has nicely scabbed over....maybe two years.

OP told us [that] there was no cheating behavior during the marriage. I accept that [in the absence of any red-flags or solid evidence].

OP got divorced for irreconcilable differences? Sounds like those differences are NOW, less onerous. Both parties have matured.

She came back because the grass is not always greener in Freedom Land. Yes, KG could be plan B.

Note: he was Plan A at one time. He can get himself promoted if he learns his lessons and she gives him friendly clue cards.

Good Luck to Krazy! Ho-Boy that sounds Nuts!
As much as I enjoyed the sarcasm I'm now wondering your stance.
Cheater or victim?

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