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Idk what's going on.

12K views 80 replies 27 participants last post by  SunCMars 
#1 ·
So long story short, my ex and I have been divorced since March. She had a boyfriend that cheated on her. I've always been there for her even still. She was very mean to me while they were together. Don't get me wrong I've dated and I've had my fair share of jerk moments a lot more than her. She's finding it hard not to still talk to him but blocked him this week on everything. It's coming up on a year since she left. For the past 3 weeks we have been hanging out a lot and I mean her staying the night and all that. She told one of her friends that she wants things to happen slow. Then one night we were hanging out and she went through my phone.... Well all she saw was pics of me her and our girls. She told her friend it was at that point she realized I was the only guy that would love her the way I do and I truly do miss her. Most guys would only keep naked or sexy pics. She told her through all the crap she has given me I kept everything we sent each other, it made her cry, because she never thought we would be where we are today. We went on a date this past Monday and had a blast. We are supposed to spend the weekend out of town with me her and the kids. She invited me. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to keep this going and how to tell if this is her wanting me back but being unsure if it. I mean she has started talking and txting me a lot and every time I offer to hang out she comes.
 
#4 ·
Taking it slow is good. Be honest and open with her.

Did her friend tell you she said all that, or did she?
 
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#5 ·
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to keep this going and how to tell if this is her wanting me back but being unsure if it. I mean she has started talking and txting me a lot and every time I offer to hang out she comes.
Why did you guys divorce?

Without knowing your backstory all I can say is you probably shouldn't get back together with her. It doesn't matter if she sends signals that she wants to or not. You guys divorced already.

She sounds codependent. She needs someone in her life, you first, then this boyfriend, now back to you. It's only a matter of time till she finds another. (This is me jumping to conclusions based on limited information, but, it's what I see from the limited information provided).
 
#10 ·
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to keep this going and how to tell if this is her wanting me back but being unsure if it. I mean she has started talking and txting me a lot and every time I offer to hang out she comes.
Why did you guys divorce?

Without knowing your backstory all I can say is you probably shouldn't get back together with her. It doesn't matter if she sends signals that she wants to or not. You guys divorced already.

She sounds codependent. She needs someone in her life, you first, then this boyfriend, now back to you. It's only a matter of time till she finds another. (This is me jumping to conclusions based on limited information, but, it's what I see from the limited information provided).
We divorced because I put my wants and needs also my job. Before her and the girls. I was a straight up jerk all the time. Of course we are both at fault she wasn't perfect either. We discussed all this recently. I would chose to go to work over doing family activities together, and when I was home I wanted to be left alone. All things I learned were wrong now and she sees a change in me.
 
#66 ·
Interesting.

So, were you abusive? I kept waiting for you to provide more information, but you seem convinced you were the bad guy. I ask because you keep saying this:
We divorced because I put my wants and needs also my job. Before her and the girls. I was a straight up jerk all the time. Of course we are both at fault she wasn't perfect either. We discussed all this recently. I would chose to go to work over doing family activities together, and when I was home I wanted to be left alone. All things I learned were wrong now and she sees a change in me.
Yet, you said you were doing all of this:
I want the fairytale wife that cooks and cleans. I did all of the house work before cook clean laundry.

I'm just curious of the entire back story now. I'm curious if you have your hindsight 20/20 glasses on at the highest rose color spectrum.

No you are right. She even said I'm the only guy that can make her not want to be with that guy even though he cheated on her. Smh idk why
No way, sorry just no. What happens when you get mad? I applaud her honesty, but you should listen to what she told you.

How this red flag doesn't send you running I do not know. She told you this guy still has a place in heart, but you think things have changed. You just found out she cheated on you, is still in love with a cheater and you have fallen for the sweet nothings whispered in your ear.

I do have one question, was she cheating on her ex-boyfriend when you two had your various flings?
 
#11 ·
I think you're trusting her way too much. Once she has an issue with you on something small, everything you're seeing now will go away. This won't last long, next week sometime she'll tell you to hit the street.
 
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#30 ·
Take it very slowly and cautiously. The big reasons you broke up you both remember. It is the other 10,000 little piddly things that you forget about...until they come around again and cause the same heartaches.

Take it slow. Go to couples counseling. You may be able to co-habitate again, but don't get remarried. You have both proven to each other you cannot handle marriage.
 
#35 ·
Don't know enough about your age, history, kids ages, etc to provide context.

A lot of people on TAM recommend serving divorce papers when a relationship is too far gone (infidelity in particular). The idea is you sometimes have to risk losing your marriage to save it.

It sounds like your EXW did exactly that, and you are responding the way TAM posters hope if there is a chance to fix the marriage.

So we rarely get posts from your side of the equation. But if we did we would be skeptical of your changes and be supportive of your EXW.

Are your changes real? How can you prove this? Can you be trusted not to revert back to your d0uchbaggery? You'll have to answer those questions - and the REAL reasons you value her above all others - if you want a chance


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#37 ·
I get that and I was a lack luster husband. I'm 30 she is 28 we met when she was 17. We have two girls 8 and 5. We had a lot of problems towards the end putting both of our needs before the other person. I think my changes are for real. Since all I'm way closer to my kiddos and she sees that I take them everywhere with me. They are my two best friends. I see what I was missing and what I had and I want it back. I miss the family life.
 
#39 ·
You both have maturing to do. I echo the recommendation for couples counseling and you may have to see several to find a good one. I suspect you both have done bad habits and unrealistic expectations and views that an independent person could help identify so you can work through them


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#40 ·
Yeah I agree. We both have unreal expectations in a partner. She wants a highschool romance and I want the fairytale wife that cooks and cleans. I did all of the house work before cook clean laundry. I think we both realize now that stuff isn't important as long as you love each other and put each other before yourself.
 
#41 ·
So..... I went through her phone last night and found proof she cheated on me. I then work her up and she confessed to everything. This morning we talked and she wants a clean slate. Says that's the reason she didn't want to work things out before. To much guilt. Idk what to do?
 
#42 ·
OP,
You seem, from what you have posted, to be maturing. You are beginning to see the importance of family. I am not sure she truly is. She sounds very spoiled and immature. I would also recommend that you move forward very slowly. It is important to remember that words have no meaning without actions to back them up. Anyone can say anything but the proof is in the doing.

She may actually be experiencing growth but I would want proof before committing to her again so, again, take it slow and look for signs of her words becoming reality or of them just being words and then act accordingly. I understand your desire to reunite your family but if you rush forward too quickly you may be repeating this all over again in the not to distant future.
 
#46 ·
Nice that she's kept you on standby when the move-on guy was full on. Now you're the fall back plan it's not a deal breaker but you're going to have to big time man up, not be "nice guy" because what makes you think you've improved your standing since she first made you redundant with a more promising man. Remember that you're all ready well down in the "viable man" rankings just be being a doormat for her to use when it suits her.
 
#47 ·
I'm sorry but cheaters CAN change but alot comes down to the circumstances at the time.

My husband was a cheater in a previous relationship but I can say whole heartedly he would never do this on me.
What a cheater will always suffer from is paranoia. That never goes away.


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#48 ·
What do you mean paranoia? Like she will always feel
Like she is doing something wrong? She was cheated on by a guy that "treated her better than me" she said it sucks and I looked at her dead and the face and said yes it does. She then told me I know. You shouldn't be with me because I'm a bad person and shouldn't be with anyone.
 
#49 ·
Krazy,

Maybe I missed something, but if I read it correctly initially in this thread you stated that you were DIVORCED when she started to have sex with this OM, and now you have discovered that she actually was cheating on you. If I got that wrong, I apologize.

That changes EVERYTHING. !!!! So she was cheating on you and actually agreed to divorce you to be with OM. He turns out to give her a dose of her own medicine, and only then she decides you are now the one for her. That is Plan B right out of the cheaters handbook and I do not care how much you are enjoying this new found closeness. You are being manipulated with sex.

You have continuously placed and accepted the blame here which might have made some sense if she had actually divorced you first. Then she would not have been cheating with this OM.

So now you have a ex wife who wants to reconcile because her new guy cheated. And what makes you so convinced that if he comes begging back that she will not cheat again. Please do not say you now believe everything or anything she says just because she is hanging out in your bed regularly.

I am NOT telling you to not consider continuing to see her. But if you do not want to greatly increase your chances of getting whacked again, you better put aside you blaming yourself and enter into any new relationship with your eyes wide olpen and trusting nothing that you cannot verify.

Whatever your problems were ( work, hobbies etc) you both owned 50% of the marital probes. SHE OWNS THE INFIDELITY 100% and unless she convinces you of that you are just rugsweeping this .
 
#50 ·
If the demise of the marriage was on you, and you think you've grown and won't repeat what you did last time, then go for it. Love her, honor her, and cherish her and the girls, and all should be well.

Every day when you get up ask yourself what is one thing you could do today that would make her happy. It can be small things but she'll notice.

Don't ever take them for granted again. I think you'll be ok.
 
#53 ·
Knowing that she had an affair and left you while married for someone else, how do you truly know where her truth lies? Do you think she is manipulating the situation and if so, are you walking into another round with eyes wide open understanding everything that has happened with not just you but her also, or eyes completely shut willing for anything including she could cheat on you again just to try to have a chance for your family to be together?

I feel if you are willing to put the past aside and place all your chips in the center of the table, so should she.

Let her know that you are not willing to accept being lied to and cheated on again, and that putting your family first means that honesty and transparency in everything must come and if that fails, love will not survive it again. You cannot control the outcome, but without both of you trusting the process of rejoining life as a family together and the work involved, her chance of failing you again will happen.

To go into this without conditions and standards is madness, she has to know up front that if she waivers again in her loyalty to your relationship that you will end the only opportunity she has to make the past mistakes right and you will end it with the confidence you did your best moving on with your life as the best dad you can be for your girls and whatever comes to her simply comes. She must have no doubt that any future outcome cheating on you again will end very, very badly as your family will be forever broken up.

You do not need to remarry to build a good family home, what you do need is trust and respect, love and kindness, giving and commitment, dedication and loyalty... if you can maintain this again for a longer time than when she ran out on you with another man while you were married, then think about remarriage, by then your foundation will be sound.

If your heart tells you this is right and your mind tells you it is worth the risk, take the step... give your children a hug as you do, I hear in your words they are worth this effort.
 
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#59 ·
and for god sake please please get a prenup, while you have been saving she might have been spending on loser boyfriend and perhaps she is seeing her funds get low now and if you remarry protect your assets, otherwise if something goes wrong done the road you give 50% of what you just got out of the marriage in the first place. and if you don't think that will happen i have a friend who is kicking himself for the exact same thing that happen to him.
 
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