Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

User Tag List

 20Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 08:19 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 459
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

It just sounds like you're both on your best behavior right now but quite honestly, all you've gotten from him is a whole lot of lip service about 'how he wants to get better.....' and blah blah blah.

Well, I want to be a supermodel. It ain't going to happen simply because I want it.

But he's really done nothing to change who he is and the same problems that drove you away the first time are going to come right back to the forefront eventually and drive you away again.

Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.

Quote:
After talking to him, I think we've agreed to just not do anything right now. We will likely go ahead and divorce in the next few months once we are eligible to do so. Split the assets, etc. if we come back together one day, then it will be because we both want what the other one brings.
Smartest decision ever.

She'sStillGotIt is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 08:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 398
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

My only advise to you is to stop Googling. I know you got into the habit looking for help with your child but relationship is relationship and words are words. Happiness is not linked to a search result. Real solution is found in the reflection in the other person's eyes.
KillerClown is offline  
post #18 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 11:46 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,184
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

If he has toxic shame, Googling is a good idea for her, because TSers don't react to the world the same way other people do and she needs to understand him. Their every move is calculated to protect themselves and keep people from realizing they are worthless. It's like doing marriage counseling when one of the two is secretly cheating.
turnera is offline  
 
post #19 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 04:06 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 24
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
If he has toxic shame, Googling is a good idea for her, because TSers don't react to the world the same way other people do and she needs to understand him. Their every move is calculated to protect themselves and keep people from realizing they are worthless. It's like doing marriage counseling when one of the two is secretly cheating.
I do not agree that divorce is the answer. Emotional-based decision-making in these circumstances only leads to more damage.

I agree that there is probably some sort of shame-based behavior going on here. And conflicts with our spouse can definitely bring it out because we didn't learn the skills from our parents....perhaps because they didn't have them either.

On the other hand, Begin Again I think you are focused on the wrong person....your husband. You cannot control what your husband does (and if you think you can that's a big red flag)....Try focusing more on yourself. What are your issues? How can you change how you react to your husband's behavior.

You say there are things that you can be better at and things you have learned, but 98% of your posts talk about your husband's behavior. What should you be better at?
yellerstang03 is offline  
post #20 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 04:15 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 24
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by Begin again View Post
I'm not sure. Will have to google that and see what I find. I've asked him to describe when he changed and what he thinks cause his feelings of insecurity, but nothing he describes seems like anything other than middle school angst. He did move a lot as a kid and his father is a distant man, but those things still don't seem to add up. Maybe it's just a combination of a lot of small events and experiences...
Posted via Mobile Device
1) Moved a lot as a kid
2) Father was a distant man

These two things can actually be quite damaging to a kid. Kids that move a lot often struggle to have long-term friendships later on in life. And a father that is a distant man is usually not warm and encouraging....also negatively affecting a child's self esteem. Your answer implies that you either don't agree or you don't understand why these things could be damaging?

However, the fact that you yourself don't recognize this leads me to believe there might things in your own childhood that you do not realize are also unhealthy. That is why you should focus on yourself. Have you ever looked at what an ideal healthy childhood looks like? And then put your own up against it? The results might open your eyes a bit.

Or try thinking about it another way. If you can recognize your own issues and have the courage to share them with your husband, it might lead him to open up a bit more about his own issues. Someone has to take the lead and go first.
yellerstang03 is offline  
post #21 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 04:40 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,161
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Begin Again what developmental / learning disorder does your child have?

Have you checked into the possibility that your husband may have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)/Aspergers? This could also be another explanation for his shyness and flat aspect. Aspies have incredibly difficult problems with socialization and communication. Many Aspies are brilliantly smart, but many also have co-morbidities such as learning disabilities, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia and Bi-Polar disorder (BPD). Your husband could have passed these traits on to your son, and if there is any history of learning disabilities in your family then BOOM!

Any attempt at reconciliation should be contingent on your hubby getting tested.

Oh by the way...sleeping with another guy while separated? Not cool.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #22 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 04:42 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,161
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by Begin again View Post
After talking to him, I think we've agreed to just not do anything right now. We will likely go ahead and divorce in the next few months once we are eligible to do so. Split the assets, etc. if we come back together one day, then it will be because we both want what the other one brings.
Posted via Mobile Device
You wont.

Once you right him off he will be yesterday's news and you know it. When a woman is done she is done.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #23 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 745
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellerstang03 View Post
1) Moved a lot as a kid
2) Father was a distant man

These two things can actually be quite damaging to a kid. Kids that move a lot often struggle to have long-term friendships later on in life. And a father that is a distant man is usually not warm and encouraging....also negatively affecting a child's self esteem. Your answer implies that you either don't agree or you don't understand why these things could be damaging?

However, the fact that you yourself don't recognize this leads me to believe there might things in your own childhood that you do not realize are also unhealthy. That is why you should focus on yourself. Have you ever looked at what an ideal healthy childhood looks like? And then put your own up against it? The results might open your eyes a bit.

Or try thinking about it another way. If you can recognize your own issues and have the courage to share them with your husband, it might lead him to open up a bit more about his own issues. Someone has to take the lead and go first.
I have definitely looked at my own childhood and saw both really good experiences and ones that left some scars. However, I think there's an expiration date on blaming your parents for your troubles, and that ends pretty early in adulthood. In truth, I also had a distant father who was actually more critical than his. It bothered me a lot when I was younger, but i dealt with that over a decade ago, and even then I should have moved past it earlier. Just part of growing up, I think.

He knows pretty much every ugly story and pain from all of my life at this point. I'm an open book. I don't think my example has done him any good.
Posted via Mobile Device
Begin again is offline  
post #24 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 745
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Begin Again what developmental / learning disorder does your child have?

Have you checked into the possibility that your husband may have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)/Aspergers? This could also be another explanation for his shyness and flat aspect. Aspies have incredibly difficult problems with socialization and communication. Many Aspies are brilliantly smart, but many also have co-morbidities such as learning disabilities, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia and Bi-Polar disorder (BPD). Your husband could have passed these traits on to your son, and if there is any history of learning disabilities in your family then BOOM!

Any attempt at reconciliation should be contingent on your hubby getting tested.

Oh by the way...sleeping with another guy while separated? Not cool.
Yes, I have considered that he may have some type of disorder, but he gets extremely defensive and angry when I say anything like that. I learned a while ago to just not bring it up. Moreover, it's not my place to diagnose him.

And on sleeping with another man while separated, I will simply say that probably 80 to 90 percent of the folks in the separation forum have done so. After going without sex for over 6 years, I didn't want to wait the additional year until I could be granted a divorce.
Posted via Mobile Device
Begin again is offline  
post #25 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 05:56 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,161
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Just doesn't sound to me like you are into him. He may just not be suitable for marriage to any woman. I would go forward with divorce and learn to be good co-parents.

bandit.45 is offline  
post #26 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 06:49 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,184
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Oh by the way...sleeping with another guy while separated? Not cool.
You don't think he did, too?
turnera is offline  
post #27 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 06:51 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,184
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by Begin again View Post
I have definitely looked at my own childhood and saw both really good experiences and ones that left some scars. However, I think there's an expiration date on blaming your parents for your troubles, and that ends pretty early in adulthood. In truth, I also had a distant father who was actually more critical than his. It bothered me a lot when I was younger, but i dealt with that over a decade ago, and even then I should have moved past it earlier. Just part of growing up, I think.
Easier said than done. Most people never outgrow the effects of their parents.
turnera is offline  
post #28 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 07:07 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 220
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Passive Aggressive & Conflict avoidance....been there, done that, divorcing him now. You cannot believe anything they say if they have not done the work necessary to STOP the hateful behavior. And then I guarantee it will take longer than 9 months. I'll probably be in IC for the rest of my life to recover from the bull they put you through. It's just talk to manipulate you. Do not reconcile and be glad you guys are at a point you can co-parent well together.
Síocháin is offline  
post #29 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 08:06 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,161
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
You don't think he did, too?
Maybe. Doesn't matter now does it?
bandit.45 is offline  
post #30 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 08:09 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,184
Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Sure it does, if you're trying to criticize her.
turnera is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
To run or help a spouse with possibly serious 'issues'? FrancisM Considering Divorce or Separation 18 09-15-2016 08:32 AM
Wife not Attracted! Separating! Possibly Divorce! DevilsHood35 Going Through Divorce or Separation 68 07-16-2016 05:27 AM
Possibly CN wife - unrealistic expectations? jarhed Sex in Marriage 33 06-08-2016 08:12 PM
STBXH delivered our DD today with lice! SurpriseMyself Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 01-30-2016 08:28 PM
Playing the roles of both Mom and Step-Mom - torn over husband's choices. Misstep The Family & Parenting Forums 19 01-20-2016 10:48 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome