Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #31 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-16-2016, 11:00 PM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Hi honey,

I'm sorry your family is going through this.
I am glad you and he have been able to make some improvements in your relationship, that will be good for all involved in the long run.

My XH had a lot of the qualities you describe, and no matter what, he never got better. I asked for small improvements for 15 years (we were together 20, I was very unhappy the last 15). I think he wanted too, but it was who he is. Chances are you would continue to find the same thing with your husband.

Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you all the absolute best.


Ciao,

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post #32 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:39 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Sure it does, if you're trying to criticize her.
I gotta call it like I see it. She has made up her mind to divorce. So it doesn't matter now.
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post #33 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 07:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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I gotta call it like I see it. She has made up her mind to divorce. So it doesn't matter now.
Actually, I've made up my mind that I shouldn't keep my life on hold waiting for him to make changes should he decide to do so. We have been separated for 9 months now and only when he realized I still love him (but am not in love with him) did he consider making changes. So, I'm not convinced he's doing this for himself. As I've said before, I don't think anyone can make lasting changes when they do so for someone else. You must do it for you.

His changes could take years, and he may just decide that if we aren't getting back together quickly then why bother looking at himself. I don't want to give him a $hit test, but I do feel that his actions and shared thoughts will tell me a lot.

Lastly, our marriage was not good for many years and he knew his insecurity was an issue for us during all that time. Now, was I the woman back then who he wanted to do the work for? Not at all. I was bitter and resentful. Who signs up for that?!? But even then, he could and should have worked on himself and did not.

Anyway... I'm continuing to be his friend, treat him well, encourage him, and discuss where each of us are with respect to the other. I'm trying to show him I care without misleading him. It may be too fine of a line to walk...
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post #34 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 06:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Well, reconciliation just blew up hugely. I'm sad and mad at myself for trying. I give up. After many hopeful moments with him, today we fought for hours via text and phone. He says X when he means Y, then tells me I'm wrong and misinterpreted what he says. Over and over. And it's about crazy ****! This isn't what he said, but like this: "I never said it was a good place to eat. I said I liked to eat there."

Seriously, we went around and with crazy crap like that. And I got sucked into it, pulled down into exactly how it was when I left 9 months ago. I haven't felt this crappy since before I moved out. And even hours into the insane fight, into his crazy double talk, he's saying he doesn't understand why I'm upset and he wants us to work. I feel so manipulated right now, so mind f---ked. and I'm really, really sad and angry at myself that I let it get to this point. I seriously got gas lighted today.
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post #35 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 01:02 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

You need time away from him.
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post #36 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 01:52 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Hi honey,

I'm sorry your family is going through this.
I am glad you and he have been able to make some improvements in your relationship, that will be good for all involved in the long run.

My XH had a lot of the qualities you describe, and no matter what, he never got better. I asked for small improvements for 15 years (we were together 20, I was very unhappy the last 15). I think he wanted too, but it was who he is. Chances are you would continue to find the same thing with your husband.

Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you all the absolute best.
You are projecting your own experience on to someone else. Not very mature or healthy.
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post #37 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 01:56 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Well, reconciliation just blew up hugely. I'm sad and mad at myself for trying. I give up. After many hopeful moments with him, today we fought for hours via text and phone. He says X when he means Y, then tells me I'm wrong and misinterpreted what he says. Over and over. And it's about crazy ****! This isn't what he said, but like this: "I never said it was a good place to eat. I said I liked to eat there."

Seriously, we went around and with crazy crap like that. And I got sucked into it, pulled down into exactly how it was when I left 9 months ago. I haven't felt this crappy since before I moved out. And even hours into the insane fight, into his crazy double talk, he's saying he doesn't understand why I'm upset and he wants us to work. I feel so manipulated right now, so mind f---ked. and I'm really, really sad and angry at myself that I let it get to this point. I seriously got gas lighted today.
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Do you want a reality check? You are blame-shifting everything onto your husband. Yes, he has responsibility to take as well. But you seem to be fixated on everything he says or does, rather that what you are saying or doing. You cannot control his behavior, but you can control your own. Do you not agree with this?
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post #38 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 01:57 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Easier said than done. Most people never outgrow the effects of their parents.
This I totally agree with. Most people do not even realize that a lot of their own behavior is driven by the things their parents put on them in childhood.
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post #39 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 02:38 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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You are projecting your own experience on to someone else. Not very mature or healthy.
I'm pretty sure the majority of us on here speak from our own experiences and share them with others going through similar challenges. Especially in a situation like this, where my XH is so similar to how she is describing her husband...I may be able to save her some heartache.

Not sure why you are so defensive about my post to her. Maybe your her STBXH?

Ciao,

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post #40 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 07:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Do you want a reality check? You are blame-shifting everything onto your husband. Yes, he has responsibility to take as well. But you seem to be fixated on everything he says or does, rather that what you are saying or doing. You cannot control his behavior, but you can control your own. Do you not agree with this?
I agree 100% that I cannot change anyone but myself. I am fixated on what he says and does because he's saying that he wants us k work while silmutameously negotiating on the things I said I need to reconcile. He keeps arguing that I should accept what he's offering when it's less than what I asked for. And moreover, we spent many hours talking about things that were not related to reconciliation while the most important topics he either avoided or tried to talk me out of.

I'm not blame shifting, I don't think. I'm asking for what I want and need and clearly laying out my boundaries. Instead of understanding those things, he's trying to negotiate on all of them and have me settle. He says he's been more happy and hopeful than he has been in a long time now that we might reconcile. If that's the case, why does he insist on not hearing my needs? He can't seem to see that he's asking me to settle in order to be with him again.
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post #41 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 07:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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I'm pretty sure the majority of us on here speak from our own experiences and share them with others going through similar challenges. Especially in a situation like this, where my XH is so similar to how she is describing her husband...I may be able to save her some heartache.

Not sure why you are so defensive about my post to her. Maybe your her STBXH?
Thank you, Spice. The thing is, I want to believe he will work on himself for himself, but what he's showing me is that as soon as he is comfortable that he has me and his family back, he will go right back to how he was. It's a huge red flag for me and he is insisting I shouldn't see it as a red flag at all. It would be like me telling him he must cut off contact with the "other woman" and he says he just won't contact her anymore but if she contacts him first, he will respond. Why can't he see that's not good enough?

And if he does agree to not respond to the other woman, if his agreement is only after hours of arguing, do I even believe him? If he was willing from the outset to have no contact, why did he fight me on it for hours and hours and try to get me to settle for allowing him to respond? It raises big doubts for me, but he thinks it should not.
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post #42 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Thank you, Spice. The thing is, I want to believe he will work on himself for himself, but what he's showing me is that as soon as he is comfortable that he has me and his family back, he will go right back to how he was. It's a huge red flag for me and he is insisting I shouldn't see it as a red flag at all.
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You are absolutely right to be viewing that as a red flag. In my situation, I would address his emotional stuff about every 3 months, by saying, "I am extremely unhappy...I can't take it anymore, you need to get help, I can't keep doing this." He would change for long enough for him to be comfortable that he had us back, and he would go back to the way he was. I did that with him for 15 years. It never changed for more than a short spell, and I wasted all that time, and endured all that pain...it got me nowhere, other than 15 years of misery.

Ciao,

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post #43 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 09:20 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Because he wants R on his terms.

Because permanent change is difficult.

He may well want R as much as you do but apparently he has a different view of it and of what he's willing to do. Maybe he thinks what he's doing is enough or even more than enough. But if it's not enough for you then it won't work. And you get to make that determination -- not him. If this is the best he can do (or is willing to do) then you have your answer.
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post #44 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

As I mentioned before, my husband definitely has some confidence issues that he needs to resolve. He is taking steps and I'm proud of him for it. But I think we hit a big snag I should have anticipated.

My husband is learning to open up, to be himself more. This is good, since you really can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. Unfortunately, he now has let me into his heart much too quickly. He's almost like a teenage boy who has a crush and doesn't know what to do. The situation could go badly, as no woman is attracted to that and I definitely was looking for a man who is more confident. What a pickle! He has a ways to go before he gains the confidence he needs.

I'm afraid he's going to get very hurt. When I tried to get him to just let us be friends, saying he needs to work on himself without me in the picture, but he pushed back. He wants it all with me. I'm not sure what to do!
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post #45 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

It doesn't sound like you build him up much, lots of negative criticism. Maybe that's where some of the insecurity is stemming from, just being honest.
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