Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
It doesn't sound like you build him up much, lots of negative criticism. Maybe that's where some of the insecurity is stemming from, just being honest.
He's been this way since he was a teen and i met him when he was 34.
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post #47 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

So you married him knowing this, but hoped he'd change after marriage?
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post #48 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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So you married him knowing this, but hoped he'd change after marriage?
I didn't understand it back then. He always acted distant and somewhat stoic. He behaved as if he was an island, didn't need connection. So, the answer is I had some idea. What I didn't consider is just how far he has to go. But from your responses I take it that you are saying I made my bed, knew this all along, and it's my fault I'm here. In a way, I think you are right. I'm just trying to do the right thing with the next steps.

To clarify: his insecurity came out when we had to work on problems together. Any issue I had with the marriage he took personally and reacted in ways that eroded us. Not that I was some Saint - I grew more and more aggressive and resentful as our problems grew in size due to being unaddressed. From his side, he avoided/went passive aggressive/ responded with "you do it too" kind of thing. All very counterproductive to finding a resolution. Often times we could argue for hours and never discuss the actual problem. We would discuss all the symptoms, but the problem would go unaddressed. That was his insecurity. He couldn't be honest and I was brutally honest. Neither was healthy.
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post #49 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

Regarding our current situation, I just did something that I said I would not, and that is offer advice to my husband. Specifically, I gave him a link to the Married Man's Sex Life Primer book. I think it could help us.
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post #50 of 50 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: Torn about possibly reconciling with my STBXH

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I didn't understand it back then. He always acted distant and somewhat stoic. He behaved as if he was an island, didn't need connection. So, the answer is I had some idea. What I didn't consider is just how far he has to go. But from your responses I take it that you are saying I made my bed, knew this all along, and it's my fault I'm here. In a way, I think you are right. I'm just trying to do the right thing with the next steps.

To clarify: his insecurity came out when we had to work on problems together. Any issue I had with the marriage he took personally and reacted in ways that eroded us. Not that I was some Saint - I grew more and more aggressive and resentful as our problems grew in size due to being unaddressed. From his side, he avoided/went passive aggressive/ responded with "you do it too" kind of thing. All very counterproductive to finding a resolution. Often times we could argue for hours and never discuss the actual problem. We would discuss all the symptoms, but the problem would go unaddressed. That was his insecurity. He couldn't be honest and I was brutally honest. Neither was healthy.
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Sounds like it's a case of simply not being compatible. You both could argue until the end of time, he will still be who he is and you will still want him to be something he isn't. And never will be. It's not your fault, but I just don't see you both as compatible.

Just a side note, that if you keep telling someone all the wrong things they're doing, over and over...it really can be a downer. I don't see your husband as 'wrong,' I just see him as wrong for you, honestly.
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