ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Tell your wife she created the problem, she should clean it up. If her way of cleaning up after her divorce request is to spite your parents, then your reconciliation has not been completed.
I would also suggest that you may need to man up.
She should get counseling to resolve her issues because it looks like whatever reason she asked for a divorce earlier is still there.
She may be using your parents as a way to make you divorce her this time. Or, at least, suppress or abuse you further.
Guys. Thank u so much for all the perspectives. Understand that I love my wife and have and so put her first. But what she behaves like is that she wants me to go and tell mu parents how she doesnt want to ever see or talk to them again. If it were me, I would tell her she didn't have to see or talk to them again. BUT I would also tell her that I planned to continue a healthy relationship with my parents (you mention below that they support your decision with you working on your marriage. So Im having a hard time understanding her beef with them)She is very hurt and her heart is hardened. At this time there will be no contrition on her part. She is so hurt and angry, hate is painted all over her. I can not go and stab my parents. The mere thought of spending time with my parents for fear of a scorned attitude on her part makes me physically ill. Don't let her control you. It appears like you ar letting her call the shots after SHE caused this mess.Does she really care or love me enough to see past her anger? Not trying to be harsh, but I think you know the answer. She sounds like a very selfish and narcissistic person. I still feel she should be bending over backwards to please YOU!!! not the reverse.I don't feel that. She can not let it go and forgive. I just really want to die. No matter what i do on a daily basis, i let somebody down. Btw, my mother and father have already told me in plain english that my marriage and my wife come first. RIGHT!!! So what is her problem? Just because they are human and was hurt by her actions? Your wife really needs to own her actions and everything that goes along with it. So that is how understanding they are. Yes, they were angry at first, but now I get to see my mother and father in perpetual sadness and pain. Their family has fallen apart. I am in the middle. It would just be easier to not exist around such sadness. God is the only one I have to really leaned on. I thank Him for that.
I don't think I really understand what it is my wife needs me to do. I feel like she wants me to march to my parents house and let them have it as to how hurt and angry she feels that they tossed her aside when she announced the divorce;Honestly, what did she expect...a going away party? I'm sorry, your wife is delusional!!!Your parents acted like anyone wouldon the other hand, I can see that she has no empathy for the pain she caused them.AND THAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM HERE!!! No Empathy...no remorse= BIG PROBLEMS!! I know they reacted very harsh by not wanting anyhting to do with her when she said she was done with me, but now the roles are reversed. Am I the only sane person in this mess? Maybe that is why I an in so much sorrow and pain. Everything just looks bleak to me right now. Posted via Mobile Device
I am really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are having an inner battle between your heart (which wants to be with your W) and your gut (which is the voice of reason and truth) Someone once told me...Your gut is your subconscious, it puts together information your heart isn't ready to hear. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!!!
Aug and pacmouse. Thank u both. Pacmouse, you nailed it in ur last paragraph! My heart does want to be with her but she is destroying any semblence of happiness that I might have left
It's like she wants me to feel what she is feeling and go after my mother and father with vengence. I dont understand how someone can be so bitter.
Now it's been two days since she hasn't spoken to me. Nothing, not a word and we are now back to sleeping in separate beds. I am so tired of this bull****! I have tried to speak to her but now she doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. I am beginning to believe my friends and parents when they say my heart is too kind and too soft. I am so disappointed that my W can not see the gifts she has in her life for the blind rage she has inside. She doesn't even realize the extent of my love for her. While some are telling me to RUN in the other direction, my love for her is true and real. Two weeks ago she got so angry at something I said (honestly i dont remember now what it was) that she took a hammer in a rage to a patio table that took me a week to design and create
I made it out of broken pieces of travertine tile all mosaiced. I put a lot of love and creativity into that thing, built very well. I made it 3 years ago. It took her 10 minutes to destroy it - while I just watched her doing it, i was hurt but I was also thinking about how pathetic she acted. I can't believe how much anger and hatred a person can have inside. She has a serious inner battle going on and I don't know how to help her to use her heart to choose love, empathy and fair compromise.
I am wondering what you guys (or gals) think should be my response when she finally decides to say a word to me? Maybe by the end of the week she will look at me and say something to me. I am inclined to just ignore her and continue her little shenanagan of not acknowledgeing she exists. Let her see what she is making me feel like. Posted via Mobile Device
Why are you constantly seeking your wife's approval? Why are you afraid of offending her? You are making both of you miserable with your passive behavior.
You will never be happy until you learn to change the dynamic of your marriage. You are bailing water out of a leaky boat. Fix the leak. Stop the abuse.
She's doing the 180 on you. And she's doing it out of rage, not as a means to improve herself. She'll need to find the deep source of her rage.
I dont know the counter move to the 180. Perhaps you should just not care what she thinks but carry on with your life.
Unfortunately, that is my only chioce at this time. I've been through too much to continue to be unhappy. I can't change her, she will always find fault in something I do.
Why are you constantly seeking your wife's approval? Why are you afraid of offending her? You are making both of you miserable with your passive behavior.
You will never be happy until you learn to change the dynamic of your marriage. You are bailing water out of a leaky boat. Fix the leak. Stop the abuse.
This is also true. And I do not want to be offensive. I don't want to offend her because I was raised that way. I am still a gentlemen and I don't like conflict. But, if you ask her, I would be willing to say she feels like I offend her on many occasions - unknowingly of course. She has a special skill of making it always my fault when things go wrong. Been married 36 years and I can only think of 2 occasions where she geniunely apologized to me for something. 36 years two apologies, that oughtta tell you something.
I am pretty much done though. I do not want to hurt her, my kids, our families, etc. But I am out of will; just plain tired of never really having her understanding and support when I need it the most.
BTW, one person posted earlier on that I was a "momma's boy." Hah, far from it. I live 20 minutes away from my parents and have spent maybe a total of 4 days this entire year with them; even with the divorce looming. If anything, I feel ashame that I don't go and see them more often; and i am not blaming my W for that, part of the problem has been that I have been very busy with work and all that has happened. Also, I have mentioned both my mother and father in these posts not just my mother. My sister on the other hand is pissed at me for not being there for my parents during this whole ordeal, but that sounds popostrous to me since I am the one that was dumped and needed them to be there for me; I could not handle what I was going through and also be there to support their pain and suffering for us (our marriage).
Anyway, I thought my W and I had that behind us and had an understanding of how we needed to out each other first. When we are good, we are really great! When this kind of crap happens she gets so bitter, cruel, disrespectful, ugly, standofish, mean, that she takes me to the pits of hell. It's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings; if it isn't what she feels, it doesn't count!
All I want is civility so we can find some peace and eventually joy. We have already been through some tough sh***t. Why she wants to continue to live in misery is beyond me. Love is a decision, it's a choice.
I identify very closely with your Nice Guy behavior, and I fear that my son will have the same problems with his current GF. It is not easy to change how you relate to your spouse because you think that by being nice you will be rewarded with appreciation.
I hope that you will be able to stand up for yourself, articulate what you need, and find peace through honest communication.
I identify very closely with your Nice Guy behavior, and I fear that my son will have the same problems with his current GF. It is not easy to change how you relate to your spouse because you think that by being nice you will be rewarded with appreciation.
I hope that you will be able to stand up for yourself, articulate what you need, and find peace through honest communication.
Yeah, I have been trying that for a long time now. All it does is make her clam up. She gets enraged, I mean, she is no fun to be around. And the more I try to aviod her negative vibes, the more pissed off she gets. I have never, I mean NEVER, had her come back to me after an arguement and say she was wrong and should have understood my feelings more - NEVER! It's always me trying to patch things up. She knows how to manipulate me and I am not such a pushover, I have my moments, I go out and do sports, everything that gives me time to myself when I need it (which isn't often), but then, when I am angry or unhappy about something, she NEVER, stands besides me and supports me. Most of the time, she just gets angry because I am angry. I said it already on here but it's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings about things. It's her way or the highway! Know what, that highway is looking pretty smooth and freshly painted right now! Can I yell SH****T!!!!!
...but then, when I am angry or unhappy about something, she NEVER, stands besides me and supports me. Most of the time, she just gets angry because I am angry. I said it already on here but it's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings about things. It's her way or the highway! Know what, that highway is looking pretty smooth and freshly painted right now! Can I yell SH****T!!!!!
So here we go. She just sent me a letter and I understood her feelings as always. She didn't apologize - never will 'cause she's never wrong. And told me how I made her feel like I was blaming her Wednesday night because I came home after a grueling family meeting with my parents jumped in the shower for some emotional relief then went to bed. I saw my mother cry in sorrow, etc., was hurt and then my W asks me if we could talk about it. I told her I felt like I was at the inquisition and that I was not going to play messenger tit for tat anymore. So immediately she thought I was blaming her for everything. For God's sake, can't I get a hug when I need one! So, in my sadness, she turns around and begins the cold shoulder silent treatment - for two days, until the email letter just now. What do I make of this?
It would mean so damn much to me if she would just concede her pride and tell me that she didn't realize how much pain I was in. Instead she tells me in the letter I should have calmly told her that it would be better to discuss this at another time. First of all, yeah right, she wouldn't have been able to sleep thinking about it, and secondly, WTF makes her think that a person undergoing that kind of emotional stress and conflict can turn around politely and sweetly and say, honey, can we discuss this tomorrow (on a better bad day, I might have been able to gather enough of what's left of my heart to do that, but not this time). Which BTW, I did say, she just didn't hear me. So miscommunication? Maybe.
Just one time, I would love for her to give up her "better than thou" attitude and just give in to someone who she supposedly loves, if for nothing else, just to show she cares. I mean, is it just me, or am I supposed to stand my ground no matter how anyone else feels. It just doesn't seem Christian to me. If I didn't know any better I would look at this scenario as her blaming me for everything. Oh, wait, she is!
Crap, I am 51 years old but I look a lot younger, a good looking guy I am told (that's not me in my avatar btw, I just thought it was appropriate to how I felt about this whole thing), I am a family oriented man, I am honourable to my vows. I love deeply, I take care of some of the household work, dishes, cleaning, washing clothes (we both share that 100%), do the bills, I work full time and make decent money (so does she), I try to please to show I care. I love kayaking, fishing, baseball, golf, sports, spending time outside, being with my family. I have pretty good friends. We both raised three great kids (all married now), put them through college, I don't drink (well, only when I am with the guys and they want a beer, or family dinner wine), I have NEVER lifted a finger to anyone, never verbally scream at anyone, never cheated on her. I love humor. Even when she asked for the divorce, I didn't want it (I still love her above all that) but I cared for her happiness so much that I gracefully bowed out without groveling. I have defended her when it needed to happen. Cared for her during her injuries and Cancer. WTF, I feel as if I wasted my life waiting for these years to come so I could be proud of everything I have achieved and everything I have accomplished but yet, I feel cheated. My children are the only thing I have left that I can say that I didn't fail at. And I pray to the Lord every night; give him thanks for what IS right in my life, and then I end up asking for him to stand by me through all of this. I think He is getting tired of my wining.
Aug and pacmouse. Thank u both. Pacmouse, you nailed it in ur last paragraph! My heart does want to be with her but she is destroying any semblence of happiness that I might have left
It's like she wants me to feel what she is feeling and go after my mother and father with vengence. I dont understand how someone can be so bitter.
Now it's been two days since she hasn't spoken to me. Nothing, not a word and we are now back to sleeping in separate beds. I am so tired of this bull****! I have tried to speak to her but now she doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. I am beginning to believe my friends and parents when they say my heart is too kind and too soft. I am so disappointed that my W can not see the gifts she has in her life for the blind rage she has inside. She doesn't even realize the extent of my love for her. While some are telling me to RUN in the other direction, my love for her is true and real. Two weeks ago she got so angry at something I said (honestly i dont remember now what it was) that she took a hammer in a rage to a patio table that took me a week to design and create
I made it out of broken pieces of travertine tile all mosaiced. I put a lot of love and creativity into that thing, built very well. I made it 3 years ago. It took her 10 minutes to destroy it - while I just watched her doing it, i was hurt but I was also thinking about how pathetic she acted. I can't believe how much anger and hatred a person can have inside. She has a serious inner battle going on and I don't know how to help her to use her heart to choose love, empathy and fair compromise.
I am wondering what you guys (or gals) think should be my response when she finally decides to say a word to me? Maybe by the end of the week she will look at me and say something to me. I am inclined to just ignore her and continue her little shenanagan of not acknowledgeing she exists. Let her see what she is making me feel like. Posted via Mobile Device
Ummmm.....RUN!!!!!!!
Seriously, after everything she has already put you through she has the nerve to give you the silent treatment AND destroy something of great value to you!!!!
Ask yourself how much more of her S#it are you going to take. It sounds as though she is making ZERO effort to reconcile, but making a Herculean effort to destroy you.
DON'T LET HER!!!
You sound like a nice guy with a good head on our shoulders who values and honors the commitment of marriage. But honestly...you are being emotionally abused by an emotionally disturbed women. If roles were reversed here and YOU were the one behaving like her, you would have a number of resources to help you get away. She is destroying your property, she is abusive and quite frankly sounds dangerous with her escalated behavior. If you were a girlfriend of mine, I would encourage you to get a restraining order and have her removed from the home. THAT WOULD SURELY SEND HER MESSAGE!!!
Save yourself, concentrate on being a great dad to your kids. You will recover from this.
Please know I am a huge supporter of marriage. I am currently working on my own reconciliation, but with that being said...I just feel people deserve to be treated with respect, love, caring and support. NONE of which she is doing for you. I would tell ANYONE to leave an abusive relationship even though I strongly believe in the vows of marriage.
Stand by your parents because family is forever .Wife can leave you in future if she is behaving horribly but your parents will be there for you forever. That's what i will teach my kids.I am in similar situation and i have told my husband to respect my family and then i will respect yours.My husband don't so i have already given him ultimatum.I l like my husband in some ways but i hate him when he doesn't respect me and my family and relatives. I can't leave anybody in my life because my husband wants me to leavethem.Your wife and my husband don't know how to respect others feelings so they will be better off on their own i guess.What if your kids leaves you in future for the same reason? how would you react?
A thought occurred to me that if she's on any medication, you may want to check out the side-effects. Some drugs can bring about mood changes.
Also if she's still not healthy, that could affect her outlook.
And, consider signing up some gym classes, dancing classes, sports, etc, with her. Getting some physical exercises should help with her (and yours) health, and thus her mood.
Re: Wife vs. Parents 
