ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Well, it's here! Just as I thought it would be. I didn't know where to post this so I thought this would be a good place since my wife and I have reconciled (at least we have been working well together). My story is on the divorce threads.
My wife has asked me to talk to my parents and tell them that she never wants anything to do with them anymore. She is very angry but is very stern about this. My parents are mad at her for everything that has happened and it appears to me they won't let it go. I know neither of them really want this but I think my wife does not want to deal with any more family drama ever agaian, and my parents probably feel like they are the ones that have been disrespected. No one is right in this case, I know that. Down deep inside, I know that God is asking me not to deliver the message that will send the final blow.
I feel as if I will be driving the wedge in to my family. My kids have all been hurt by this event that happened this year, but I can't imagine that they would not love their grandparents as they always have. My mother, father, and sister all blew it from the start. Instead of being there by my side supporting me in comfort and love and trying to ease my pain, they thought it would help me by attacking back and berating and putting down my back then stbxw and by trying to tell me how I should feel. I know they love me buy they went about this the wrong way. They were hurt deeply by her asking for the divorce, I know that. But they have been her family for 36 years and she felt as if they just threw her to the curb in one day; as I am sure my parents felt as if she abandoned all of us by asking for a divorce.
So with all of that in mind. I am deeply saddened. I don't know what to do with my life. I do not feel as if I am ready to deliver a fatal message to my mother and father and let them know that from now on, I will have to be with them alone, and that we will need to figure out how to share their grandchildren during special events, which means that they will always lose out to thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, etc.
I am torn and in so much pain - again. Which of the 10 commandments do I break? How do I live in perpetual sin. On the one hand,I feel like I can never truly "Honor" my mother and father (their whole lives have been about us and the grandkids)and on the other hand, I want to stay by the side of the woman I love, and I am, by my vows.
So my question is this. Do I deliver the terrible message, or do I tell my wife that I will not because that message will forever seal the fate of our family. My parents are in their 70's. They are asking me to go see them, and my wife wants me to hurry and go let them know that she never wants to speak to them again. My son got married this past weekend and neither at the rehearsal dinner nor at the wedding did she speak to them. My dad tried to go and say hello to her but it not in a sincere way - his tone of voice was sarcastic. She ignored them and just turned away when they were nearby.
I really just want to go ahead and die. I wouldn't ever consider doing anything to myself but if God was ready to take me, I am ready to go. Can any of you think of anything worse than having to live a life that is divided. One heart in two different places all the time. Never will I have a whole feeling of love and fulfillment in my life. It will be joyful during the times I am with each of them but I will never know the feeling of having a fully joyful heart ever again.
Am I the only one with any sense of compassion, respect and love left for everyone involved in spite of all the hate going around? My sister says that my wife is controlling everything I do, when in fact, all I seek is happiness and joy with my loved ones. Any comments would be appreciated.
In time, who knows what will happen...but side with your wife.
It will send a message to your parents that she is important to you and if they want you in their lives, they have to forgive her. If you side with them, they will think they are more important to you than she is.
I'd side with my husband. Oh wait, I have. lol. We are going through similar issues...although my mom is just crazy.
In time, who knows what will happen...but side with your wife.
It will send a message to your parents that she is important to you and if they want you in their lives, they have to forgive her. If you side with them, they will think they are more important to you than she is.
I'd side with my husband. Oh wait, I have. lol. We are going through similar issues...although my mom is just crazy.
It's what I feel I should do (and will do) but she is just being plain hateful right now. It isn't just that she doesn't want to see them anymore (well, it is). It is that she keeps telling me how much she can't stand them. I just told her today that she needs to stop that. The same way I don't want to see them berating her, I don't want to see her doing the same to them; only she says these things to me in a mad way- I know she is hurt by all of this and I don't want to see that but when my parents are gone, I will regret these times the rest of my life. I think the problem here is that we all loved toooooo much, and we were hurt by those we cared for so it was a deep hurt.
You are right about siding with my wife, but how much am I supposed to avoid celebrating holidays and special occasions without my whole family there - while we have them still alive!
BTW, my mother just called me and asked me to have a Friday after Thanksgiving dinner with them because my cousin is coming in from out of town with his wife. My wife and I still get very well along with them. And my mother asked me to ask my wife to join us. What a conundrum! Should I even bring it up to my wife in fear that it might offend her, or if I don't could this be an instance where my wife could get some inkling of an idea that my mother still thinks about her? You see what I am faced with - a lose, lose situation. No matter what I elect to do, I am in the wrong.
Well, she's hurting. I can't stand my own mom sometimes...when my husband says it, I understand. Maybe you should see your parents from her point of view?
Well, she's hurting. I can't stand my own mom sometimes...when my husband says it, I understand. Maybe you should see your parents from her point of view?
Yes, I have but I know my parents and they mean well, they just don't express it right and yes, they can be very perty sometimes. They easily get there feelings hurt so I know how difficult it can be to do things around them. But I can't see where you would need to be ugly about it. I know you said you went through the same thing but was your husband telling you how much he despises them? I dunno, but that is hard for me.
Our parents are our parents. We know their "meaning" in situations because we grew up with them.
Our spouses did not. They just see them as they really are. In my case, psycho pretty much fits. lol. I had to step out of my role as her daughter and see her for the toxic woman she is. I love her, she is my mom. However, her behaviour was hurting my family. So contact was ceased by 90%. We are happier for it.
I guess you could tell your wife that while you understand her feelings, you'd appreciate it if she not talk about your parents that way, out of respect for you.
Our parents are our parents. We know their "meaning" in situations because we grew up with them.
Our spouses did not. They just see them as they really are. In my case, psycho pretty much fits. lol. I had to step out of my role as her daughter and see her for the toxic woman she is. I love her, she is my mom. However, her behaviour was hurting my family. So contact was ceased by 90%. We are happier for it.
I guess you could tell your wife that while you understand her feelings, you'd appreciate it if she not talk about your parents that way, out of respect for you.
Thanks TG, yes, that is what I asked her to do. So she said she understands. I guess now the difficult part will be dealing with my parents being hurt and feel resented. I hope they will learn to be happy, I will still be there for them.
You clearly consider your role as a son, more important than being a husband. This is not healthy for your marriage.
What about being there for your wife? Maybe this is one of the reasons she wanted to leave.
My mother in law can be very rude and inappropriate, especially to her sons and my sister in law. My husband and his brother put their spouses first, which is the way it should be.
You clearly consider your role as a son, more important than being a husband. This is not healthy for your marriage.
What about being there for your wife? Maybe this is one of the reasons she wanted to leave.
My mother in law can be very rude and inappropriate, especially to her sons and my sister in law. My husband and his brother put their spouses first, which is the way it should be.
I'm getting some "mama's boy" vibes...
If your parents are pitting you against your wife, that is a clearn indication that there are some control issues on your parent's part (your mother, in particular). Your family is now your wife and kids. Your parents should not try to get in the way of that.
Okay. So. Your wife decided back in May that you sucked so much that she wanted to divorce you. This, after you stuck by her as she battled cancer, then decided you were not supportive and interesting enough for her. From your other threads, this decision on her part put you through immense torment and emotional pain. And you sought comfort and support from your....... PARENTS!
And they gave you emotional support, but, darn them, they developed this ridiculous idea that your on-again, off-again wife was somehow to blame for your pain. They even looked at the situation and elected to side with their son, whom they had raised from birth and couldn't stand to see hurting. But, hey, what have they done for you lately?
So now, after you have planted your lips on your wife's posterior multiple times and she has decided that she'll graciously keep you in her life, things are looking great!
The only thing holding you back from eternal marital bliss is those pesky parents. As soon as you kick them to the curb, and show your wife that you REALLY LOVE HER, well, life will become groovy.
Go for it. Because, even though it will be like a knife in the guts to your parents, WHEN, NOT IF your wife fvcks you over the next time and you need them, they'll be there for you, just like they were this time.
When your wife hated you, your parents were there to love you. The fact that you would even consider choosing your wife over your parents after what you have done for her, and what she has done to you, is probably a real slap in the face to them.
So, yeah, give them the old heave-ho. And maybe the next time you need them, they will be focusing on helping their other children who are grateful for what they do. And you? Your wife is going to give you everything you deserve.
If your wife doesn`t want to have anything to do with her in-laws she can let them know.
You say she`s known them for 36 years, I think she`s close enough to them to have that discussion.
As for holidays and family gatherings, I wouldn`t change a thing other than your wife won`t be going with you.
She has made this decision and that`s fine but she`s trying to have you pay the price for her decision so she doesn`t have to.
Let her carry her own crap.
Now, I don`t know your backstory so I may be on the wrong track but from what you`ve posted in this OP that`s my opinion.
Hmmm, I guess I;m the only one who thinks you should not deliver your wife's message. I am in a similar situation and I view it like this...
Your wife was the one who behaved badly.SHE made bad choices that affected your whole family. She has no right to ask you to turn your back on the people who were there for you while you licked your wounds. These are your elderly parents!!!! I see it as your wife trying to control you. What right does she have (after the way she behaved) to make any demands? Personally, I think she should march he butt over to your parents an apologize for her actions and express her intentions of making it right. She should also acknowledge the hurt she caused everyone and ask for their forgiveness.
If she was truly remorseful for her actions she would own her behavior and the consequences of her actions to your entire family. She wouldn't be making demands for you to do more of her dirty work. If she truly wants her message delivered, let her do it herself!!!
However, If she has/had apologized and begged for forgiveness from your family members and YOU have expressed your intent to work on your marriage to your family and asked for them to put their true feelings aside and support you, then your family should respect YOUR decision. They don't have to like, love or even respect your wife, but they should be on their best behavior around her and not start trouble for you and your marriage.
My H pulled a similar move and we reconciled (over a year now). My family was there to help me through one of the most difficult times in my life. BUT, my H personally apologized to EVERYONE in my family and asked them to give him a chance to make it right. After that, I expected my family to respect our efforts to save our marriage. If they did not, I set them straight!!! My H has never and would never insist that I cut out ANY family member!!! Even if they were blatantly rude to him!!!! I would however, (on my own) support him and confront their behavior!!! Your family has a right to feel how they feel, but they do not have the right to continue to treat your wife like crap. It is also unfair of your wife to hold anything against your family for things that were said or done before you reconciled.
I just don't think she is in ANY position to make demands. She should be bending over backwards to get into everyone's good graces. Frankly, I find your wife's entitled attitude very concerning... JMO!!
Let it be, for now. You can visit your parents on your own or with your kids. Even if the relationship with your family of origin and your own family isn't quite what you wanted, you can still make it work in fulfilling ways.
My family rejected my WH when info about his cheating, abuse, and betrayal of their privacy came to light. They rejected me when I wouldn't divorce him. He rejected me for not rejecting them. It's a whole lot of baggage. However, if WH and I do reconcile, we'll be in a similar situation in which he and my family of origin have no contact. As family is very important to me, this is deeply deeply painful and the tug-of-war of loyalties is miserable. I imagine you must be feeling that battle of loyalties yourself.
Your wife and kids are your family. Your parents and siblings are your family. You have no control over which factions of your family get along with others, only over how you choose to handle things. Don't pressure them to get along with each other if they are not ready or willing. You, yourself, can still have a relationship with both and respect both.
Oh, if you are unwilling to break this to your family (which you actually should do because they are your family and they rejected her and don't seem to be making nice with her now), maybe you can ask her to write a short letter that you can physically deliver for her. But, really, by breaking things to them gently, you can actually help your own situation out.
Which of the 10 commandments do I break? How do I live in perpetual sin. On the one hand,I feel like I can never truly "Honor" my mother and father (their whole lives have been about us and the grandkids)and on the other hand, I want to stay by the side of the woman I love, and I am, by my vows.
So my question is this. Do I deliver the terrible message, or do I tell my wife that I will not because that message will forever seal the fate of our family. My parents are in their 70's. They are asking me to go see them, and my wife wants me to hurry and go let them know that she never wants to speak to them again. My son got married this past weekend and neither at the rehearsal dinner nor at the wedding did she speak to them. My dad tried to go and say hello to her but it not in a sincere way - his tone of voice was sarcastic. She ignored them and just turned away when they were nearby.
I really just want to go ahead and die. I wouldn't ever consider doing anything to myself but if God was ready to take me, I am ready to go. Can any of you think of anything worse than having to live a life that is divided. One heart in two different places all the time. Never will I have a whole feeling of love and fulfillment in my life. It will be joyful during the times I am with each of them but I will never know the feeling of having a fully joyful heart ever again.
Am I the only one with any sense of compassion, respect and love left for everyone involved in spite of all the hate going around? My sister says that my wife is controlling everything I do, when in fact, all I seek is happiness and joy with my loved ones. Any comments would be appreciated.
brighter,
The operative scripture here is "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" ...
and that's what you should do.
That your parents aren't able to obey this indicates that their hearts are (at least partially) owned by the enemy. She is your wife whatever she has done.
You are not under any obligation to deliver your wife's messages to your parents however it will be difficult for her to forgive them without some sort of contrition on their part
Guys. Thank u so much for all the perspectives. Understand that I love my wife and have and so put her first. But what she behaves like is that she wants me to go and tell mu parents how she doesnt want to ever see or talk to them again. She is very hurt and her heart is hardened. At this time there will be no contrition on her part. She is so hurt and angry, hate is painted all over her. I can not go and stab my parents. The mere thought of spending time with my parents for fear of a scorned attitude on her part makes me physically ill. Does she really care or love me enough to see past her anger? I don't feel that. She can not let it go and forgive. I just really want to die. No matter what i do on a daily basis, i let somebody down. Btw, my mother and father have already told me in plain english that my marriage and my wife come first. So that is how understanding they are. Yes, they were angry at first, but now I get to see my mother and father in perpetual sadness and pain. Their family has fallen apart. I am in the middle. It would just be easier to not exist around such sadness. God is the only one I have to really leaned on. I thank Him for that.
I don't think I really understand what it is my wife needs me to do. I feel like she wants me to march to my parents house and let them have it as to how hurt and angry she feels that they tossed her aside when she announced the divorce; on the other hand, I can see that she has no empathy for the pain she caused them. I know they reacted very harsh by not wanting anyhting to do with her when she said she was done with me, but now the roles are reversed. Am I the only sane person in this mess? Maybe that is why I an in so much sorrow and pain. Everything just looks bleak to me right now. Posted via Mobile Device
Wife vs. Parents 
If your parents are pitting you against your wife, that is a clearn indication that there are some control issues on your parent's part (your mother, in particular). Your family is now your wife and kids. Your parents should not try to get in the way of that.
