Is he being controlling? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by LucasJackson View Post
Somebody had a partner first. Who opened the marriage? Who closed it? If you say "mutual" that's cool but someone made the first statement about opening and then closing the marriage. That will help explain his mindset even though I can already tell that he's triggering badly. You going out on the town without him doesn't help.
He was the one that suggested being with other people. We made a joint decision to open. I closed it.

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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 01:52 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs
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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs
Thank you, I keep meaning to read his needs her needs, but haven't picked it up yet. I'll check out the other one. I admit, I think about being with other people sometimes just because it would be so much easier than dealing with all the baggage. But he's a good dad and husband and I'm not going to cheat. I want to work through our issues. He isn't in individual counseling now. He was in the past. I suggested it back during the curling iron incident, but he hasn't gone back yet.
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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 02:32 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little.
Explain this.

And explain why you two didn't go back to IC.
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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
I admit, I think about being with other people sometimes just because it would be so much easier than dealing with all the baggage.
No, it wouldn't. You would just create NEW baggage with the new person.
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post #21 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 05:16 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Ride,

I just have a few thoughts. You two have a past that needs a scorecard so lets leave that aside for now.

My question is this friend.?/ Is this a friend who
(1) knew about the open marriage or participated
(2) encouraged you to sext other men and lie to husband
(3) are you going out to talk with this friend or out clubbing in sex charged environments.

his reactions have been over the top, no doubt about that, but everything I have read says that even in healthy relationships, separate vacations, GNO or BNO constantly, and friends who are not helpful to the marriage are not the way to build a healthy relationship and maintain one.

So obviously he needs some tone down here, but i am just asking if what you are doing is just a nice quiet evening with a friend or constant nights out in meat market bars with someone who he does not have a reason to think is a friend of your marriage.
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post #22 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 07:05 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
Once at work, I have a text from him:
It was closer to 11:30 by the time you got home, so even then that would make you late. When you give someone a time, it's when you will be home, not heading home. I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour.
I responded:
I'll do what I can not to wake you up next time. And friend and I discussed getting together earlier next time. But there may be times when I'm out later than planned and I'll let you know if that happens.
Did he say the problem was that you woke him up???

From what you've said, he was concerned that you'd given your word, your assurance that you'd be back at a certain time; which turned out to be a falsehood.

And then to compound the falsehood, you give lousy excuses (like it not really being that late, that you were in transit, that it's about waking him) but don't admit fault to the mistake/lie.
If you won't admit to the error, and continue to dismiss it, how can you be trusted at your word or to personally fix the problem in the future. (recommended way is, leave extra time, and aim for arrival at 10 minutes early. eg say 11pm, target 10:50pm)

"Controlling" perhaps.
"Dealing with a liar" definitely. One who clearly doesn't rank keeping her word to her "loved" one as something of much importance.
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post #23 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 07:07 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by lorikeet25 View Post
He is acting like your mom. The story as you present it makes him look controlling or at the very least hovering. I would have been annoyed by that. Remind him that he is not your dad and refuse to engage further. You did nothing wrong.
And then prepared for him to dump your lying butt (especially if you refuse to communicate)
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post #24 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
Having been with a controlling psychopath in my past, this behaviour lateness, if he was worried about you, OK that's normal.

But the texting while you were in work is something.
It's slightly controlling, I mean you were home safe. You were fine.
So why can't he forget about it?
Most normal guys would.
Because it's about control.
Control? no. lying, yes.

It would have rubbed on his mind because he was cleared concerned about her being there at 11pm and time ticked by.

This would aggravate any other concerns that exist about fidelity or family priorities such as importance of good showing at work if they are on a budget or saving for something together or if there are issues at work.

With the work text clearly he had good reason for argument at night (that it wasn't 11:10 when she got in) but dropped it because it wasn't the time for that kind of argument, since she was already late at home and had work the next day.
So next day is the time to bring up the incorrect data that she used as her proof. Doesn't surprise me that with her self-absorbtion that she has already shaved a few minutes of all the numbers and going from the time she got in the gate not unloaded after coming in the door ("at home") and is already busy believing her lie.

Although I am biased in this because I had a lengthy relationship with a woman who used to constantly do such things. It would be "couldn't get away". who was there? "no-one important". what were you doing? "nothing". why couldnt you get away? "I just couldnt, it would have been rude". You said 10:30pm, "Yes but it's only 11:30pm, I still have time to do the wrapping".
So "nothing" with "no-one important" was so critical that she'd blow off me, the person waiting at home, so we could wrap the presents (which I wasn't allowed to do because she liked doing that bit), hoping for a bit of "us" time. It wasnt until much later that I have realised how much I just didn't rank in her priorities and just how much I'd been outright _used_.

So if she gave a damn about her partner, she'd have been home, in the door, noticeably before 11pm. (but she was not, and closer to 11:30pm he knows it too)
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post #25 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 07:27 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs
Probably he's more concerned about the dishonesty and placing him behind her other frivolities. Clearly what she said to him is not an important priority in her mind. (and she's worrying more about what the flow on consequences will be for her). Exactly the type of reason I keep going on about female self-obsession/self-focus.

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post #26 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 07:31 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
I wear makeup and smell good when I come back from her place (not unusual - I usually try to look/feel good when going out)

Don't you mean to say "you love your partner and want to look special for him"? not the other way around... that you reserving looking good for strangers and to get attention from people not your partner.
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post #27 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

My first thought is...10 min...not a big deal. I do a +/- 60 min when my wife states she will be somehwere...just from experience.

BUT..having read the back story...and what you have stated about rebuilding trust...just be on time. If you will be late...let him know. Consistently doing what you say you will is rhe sureat way to increase his comfort level. Its really just the considerate thing to do.

Once you have sincerely apologized...that really needs to be it. He will need to learn to stop adding extranious BS to his complaint...that takes it quickly from legitimate to merely whining edging pretty close to control land.

It does sound like IC could help him....
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post #28 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 08:22 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Is that an elephant over in the corner?


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post #29 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

based on the history of your marriage, this particular incident is not of much significance.
You have been a bit flaky for a spouse who is supposed to put the other spouse at ease, initially until trust is built again, you ought to do what you say you will do and follow through and not simply change the goal posts, whether it is timing, the people you hang out with etc. Your H is going to have triggers.
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post #30 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
Why is this in the reconciliation forum?

Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?
Prepare yourself for quite a read.
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