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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
And then prepared for him to dump your lying butt (especially if you refuse to communicate)
Yeah, it's all on her.

HE wanted an open marriage. Fvcking other people was more important than his marriage.

She ended it.

He is not a victim here.

She might be better off if he dumped her, then he could take his baggage elsewhere.
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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:03 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

I fail to see went why OP needs to be kissing his arse. It was him who wanted an open marriage, and they'd still have one if not for her ending it.

So clearly fidelity is actually more important to her than it is to him.

His issues are his.
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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:06 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Probably he's more concerned about the dishonesty and placing him behind her other frivolities. Clearly what she said to him is not an important priority in her mind. (and she's worrying more about what the flow on consequences will be for her). Exactly the type of reason I keep going on about female self-obsession/self-focus.
I'm going to guess you're not happily married.
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

I don't think I'd call it controlling, just being an ass. You said you'd be more quiet the next time and you were figuring out ways to leave earlier next time. You gave him ways that you were addressing what happened, but that wasn't good enough. Your solution sounded fine to be. He started out looking out for you but it turned out he was just looking out for him and was concerned because he lost sleep and didn't seem to care whether you did or not.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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I'm going to guess you're not happily married.
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Check out the 3 threads he started. You'll understand Spot a whole lot more.
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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Explain this.

And explain why you two didn't go back to IC.
He didn't think they were helping all that much, and I just started forgetting to reschedule. I want to start going back, him not so much. He's not so sure they can help him, but we had a great conversation Monday night and I encouraged him to go back since he admitted he had some issues to deal with.
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 07:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Ride,

I just have a few thoughts. You two have a past that needs a scorecard so lets leave that aside for now.

My question is this friend.?/ Is this a friend who
(1) knew about the open marriage or participated
(2) encouraged you to sext other men and lie to husband
(3) are you going out to talk with this friend or out clubbing in sex charged environments.

his reactions have been over the top, no doubt about that, but everything I have read says that even in healthy relationships, separate vacations, GNO or BNO constantly, and friends who are not helpful to the marriage are not the way to build a healthy relationship and maintain one.

So obviously he needs some tone down here, but i am just asking if what you are doing is just a nice quiet evening with a friend or constant nights out in meat market bars with someone who he does not have a reason to think is a friend of your marriage.
These are nice, quiet evenings. Sometimes we go out for sushi or to a local mall, but we mostly talk about her divorce. He kids are going through a hard time with their father and she mostly vents on me about how hard it's been. She's supportive of me staying with my husband in order to avoid all of what she's been through.

She did swing with her husband (not with us) around the time my husband and I were open. That's why they divorced. But there's no way she's dragging me to swing parties nor is she going to them. She never encouraged me to lie or cheat on my husband. She was there through a very difficult time and I leaned on her when it was all going down.
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 07:53 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Check out the 3 threads he started. You'll understand Spot a whole lot more.
Fair enough, I will do that.

Just strikes me that his posts are usually nasty and misogynistic.

Lots of us have gone through stuff. My ex hb was abusive, yet I don't think most men are abusive and am happily remarried to one that isn't.

Some people are simply too bitter to offer anything constructive.
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
Don't you mean to say "you love your partner and want to look special for him"? not the other way around... that you reserving looking good for strangers and to get attention from people not your partner.
I try to look good going out with my friend AND with my husband, as we try to do frequent date nights.
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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

So, Monday night he came home and the minute I saw he wasn't upset, I calmed down. We sat on the sofa later and we talked and it was a good talk. He assumed I'd be home at 10, and I explained that I had said 11pm. He hadn't heard me. He said he assumed I was having light-hearted talk with my friend and wouldn't be that long since I had to get up early. (I normally stay out until 11, 11:30.) His assumption about when I'd be home and the fact I woke him up were the two reasons for his anger.

I told him that I felt he was pretty harsh considering that I told him when I'd be back and I was only a few minutes late. Plus, I always let him know when I'm heading home and I texted him 10 minutes prior to leaving. I explained that my friend was pretty emotional and I felt it would be rude to pick up my phone and text him that I thought I'd be late. He apologized again and I told him that I appreciated it, but I was concerned about my reaction to his anger. That it felt really unhealthy and I think we need to go back to counseling. I said I felt almost like a part of an abusive relationship.

We talked about this past vacation that we took. It was a reunion with my family. Evidently he was unhappy most of the trip, but didn't let on to me and I didn't pick up on it until he got nasty with a text he sent about 3/4 through the trip. He told me that with some hindsight and clarity he sees that he blamed me for how he was feeling and I didn't deserve that. I told him he needs to let me in on his feelings next time so that we can address the issue. He admitted he holds him feelings inside and doesn't know how to let them out in a healthy way. (He grew up without his mom, alcoholic dad that had PTSD stuff going on.)

I'm going to make sure that I am home when I plan to be home in the future and continue to let him know if I think I'll be late. I will continue to text before I head for home. We worked through it, thank God, but probably need to address this in marriage counseling. Our counselor isn't the best, I don't think. She does more talking than listening. We just dread having to explain everything all over again to someone new. Thanks for everyone's input.

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