Is he being controlling? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Is he being controlling?

Went out with a friend last night. Told husband I planned to be back by 11pm because I needed to work the next morning early. He said okay and goodbye.
I get a text at 9pm from him reminding me I have to get up early the next day.
I text back about 9:30 saying I'm planning on leaving in an hour.
I ended up leaving 20 minutes after I said I would.

Got home and he said I didn't leave much time for me to sleep, I said, well that's on me.
He mentioned I didn't leave when I said I would. I told him due to the topic of conversation, I couldn't just walk out on my friend at that moment.

We went to sleep.
Next morning he asks to talk to me before I leave for work. He says I didn't come home in time to give myself enough time to sleep. I said that's my problem (in a nice way). He then says, well, you woke me up and I tossed and turned forever getting back to sleep.
I apologized and told him I'd try to be quieter next time and that my friend and I had discussed starting our get together earlier next time so that I could get home earlier.

I told him that I only got home 10 minutes after I said I'd be home (I was in the driveway by 11:10) and he acted confused. I reminded him that I told him I'd said I'd be home by 11pm. He said he doesn't remember. I told him I'd try to be quieter next time or get home earlier next time or get together with her on a day where he's not getting up early the next day. Kissed him goodbye and went to work.

Once at work, I have a text from him:
It was closer to 11:30 by the time you got home, so even then that would make you late. When you give someone a time, it's when you will be home, not heading home. I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour.
I responded:
I'll do what I can not to wake you up next time. And friend and I discussed getting together earlier next time. But there may be times when I'm out later than planned and I'll let you know if that happens.

So, this morning I was an anxious mess... felt on the verge of a panic attack, too. My stomach clenches up and I can't think straight. It's annoying and concerning because my mom dealt with a stressful relationship and she died young of a pulmonary embolism.

Is he being controlling here? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing? We have our issues that we're still working through. I also have another thread here, the only other one if you want to read through it. I'm an adult and not his daughter and I feel that it's reasonable to go out once every two weeks and maybe stay out late with my friend. I always text when I'm headed home and always tell him when I expect to start heading home. I always let him know when I'm running later than expected, as well. Thanks for your input.

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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Why is this in the reconciliation forum?

Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

He is acting like your mom. The story as you present it makes him look controlling or at the very least hovering. I would have been annoyed by that. Remind him that he is not your dad and refuse to engage further. You did nothing wrong.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Yes, it is all him. At first I thought he was just being overprotective and worrying, like I do with my wife being out with me. But when he said "I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour", that was all wrong. Maybe not being controlling as much as acting like your father. I am guilty of that with my wife so I can recognize that.

Ask him some probing questions:

1) What is your real concern here?
2) What specifically bothers you about this and why?
3) Do you trust me to handle my sleep arrangements and to be safe?

Ask these in a non-confrontation way.

Yes, he might just be a controlling jerk, but there might be a higher level issue that is driving this on his end.

Also, tell him that issues like this should be addressed the next day in person, not via texting when you are at work. Texting is a very poor way to communicate relationship issues and prone to misinterpretation.

Good luck.
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

much in the same vein as blueinbr expressed, is this behavior of recent discovery? has he always displayed this behavior with you on this topic or other topics? how long have you been married?
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
Why is this in the reconciliation forum?

Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?

Yeah, you need to read the other thread to get a hint of what's going on here.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private...de-threat.html
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Having been with a controlling psychopath in my past, this behaviour lateness, if he was worried about you, OK that's normal.

But the texting while you were in work is something.
It's slightly controlling, I mean you were home safe. You were fine.
So why can't he forget about it?
Most normal guys would.
Because it's about control.

Abuse grows from the tiniest amount of control.
He says "would appreciate you come back home closer to a decent hour"
Now next time you go out you'll be clock watching & not having fun.
That's him controlling you.




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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Yeah, there's a ton of crap we've gone through. Open marriage which is now closed, he was in the mental hospital for awhile... I've been trying to accommodate his fears, one of which is I'm going out swinging with this particular friend. That's not happening and we had a good talk a while back. I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little. Should I just accept this behavior and feel resentful or talk to him and cause a big scene where I might have to take a lorazepam just to get through the day. We're in marriage counseling and things have actually been pretty good between us for awhile. I've been told here by some that our issues are beyond the scope of this forum. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Now i recall you Ride, its clear that he still has a trust issue with you, that he does not trust you? have both of you gone to marriage couseling? have you demonstrated to him that you are transparent and open to building that trust? because it sounds to me reading the above statement that there is still a lot of work to be done, and venting is fine but are both of you working rebuilding a foundation?
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Now i recall you Ride, its clear that he still has a trust issue with you, that he does not trust you? have both of you gone to marriage couseling? have you demonstrated to him that you are transparent and open to building that trust? because it sounds to me reading the above statement that there is still a lot of work to be done, and venting is fine but are both of you working rebuilding a foundation?
Yes, we are trying. I've opened all my accounts to him, even this one although I don't think he's reading anymore. I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that he felt betrayed by my contacting a couple men online while we were separated. I think there's still a lot of buried stuff we haven't gotten into. We each know that our relationship isn't what it used to be. The trust, love and respect has taken a hit, that's for sure. He still doesn't trust me. I know that and he's admitted it to me as recently as a few weeks ago.

I went out recently and decided to curl my hair for the first time in years. It had finally gotten long enough. He saw the iron left out, and started spiraling, thinking about how I've taken over the budget, been staying out later (my friend works nights now and her schedules are horrendous), I wear makeup and smell good when I come back from her place (not unusual - I usually try to look/feel good when going out) and that I had been to True swingers recently. He said he'd found it in my browser history. I hadn't gone there deliberately. The only thing I could think of is that I browse the threads on talk about marriage that are about poly/open marriage occasionally and I probably clicked on a link someone posted in that thread.

We worked through it and I know he's still struggling. I am trying to be transparent and I know I need to be patient, I just want to be able to enjoy my time with my friend without, as someone above said, be clockwatching the entire time. Or worried about if he thinks we're off swinging. I even offered to take pics of her and I wherever we end up going to prove I'm not at a swing party.

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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

Considering the past behavior in this relationship, what you did triggered him and really bothered him. He's trying to be civil about it but he keeps bringing it up because it scared the hell out of him. A safe partner should assuage those fears.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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Originally Posted by RideofmyLife View Post
Yeah, there's a ton of crap we've gone through. Open marriage which is now closed, he was in the mental hospital for awhile... I've been trying to accommodate his fears, one of which is I'm going out swinging with this particular friend. That's not happening and we had a good talk a while back. I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little. Should I just accept this behavior and feel resentful or talk to him and cause a big scene where I might have to take a lorazepam just to get through the day. We're in marriage counseling and things have actually been pretty good between us for awhile. I've been told here by some that our issues are beyond the scope of this forum. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.
When the relationship was "open" was that equally or was it him sitting at home while you went out and had fun?
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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When the relationship was "open" was that equally or was it him sitting at home while you went out and had fun?
We each had a partner.
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

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We each had a partner.
Somebody had a partner first. Who opened the marriage? Who closed it? If you say "mutual" that's cool but someone made the first statement about opening and then closing the marriage. That will help explain his mindset even though I can already tell that he's triggering badly. You going out on the town without him doesn't help.
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 01:19 PM
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Re: Is he being controlling?

OK, I had to go back and read your previous thread.

You husband is not controlling. He is a basket case. He needs serious help. You seem to think that things can go back to normal. It's not going to happen.

Kinky open marriage is for tough skinned people who can put on the polyester leisure suit and live the part. Guys like your husband who would have a seizure with a smile on his face while being handcuffed, anal-probed and ball-gagged shouldn't be trying it. Now he's seriously broken and you need to decide if you want to be his nursemaid or move on with your life.

You don't need to feel guilty for how things turned out. Your husband would have done this to himself with or without you.
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