Should have listened to TAM - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:20 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

I don't see the need for disrespect and "kicking him out". You gave it another try and it's not working out. I would even leave blame out of it. Noone should be expected to change for another. He is who he is, as are you. If he's not what you want and your goals don't align, then sit him down and tell him so. Be firm, but kind. Good luck.

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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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Originally Posted by Relationship Teacher View Post
Humans are extremely predictable. A lot of what we learn is by association. It guides logic and emotion. We then have black and white memory (hippocampus) and colored/emotional memory (amygdala). Based on the associations/conditions our memories formed and are maintained, we can predict how individuals will act/react.

Changing the core of our neural activity is actually simple, but it takes a lot of effort.
I liked this response, felt compelled to CROP it...not DROP it.

Science is wonderful, as is Philosophy.

Problem:

Few can grasp it. Few can see beyond a few hundred feet, let alone over the horizon to the Elysian Fields.

It is not simple if few can DO this.

Woulda, shouda, couda comes to mind.

People are hopelessly programmed, hopelessly living their Engrams.

Hitting Control, Alt, Delete would be nice....but Clear is not attainable for the Masses or the Naïve Massaged.

The Blame:

Our education system. Values are Val-You's, in the first person.

Selfish is normal....the rest is wishful thinking...woulda, shoulda, couda... innate failings? No, this is the Norm under the Bell Curve, for Human Beans....no typo.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

Funny, on the science comments. I would have just stuck to a CJ Cherryh quote about how most people aren't capable of modifying their own deepsets.
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 05:14 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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You should kick him out and explain to him since you are no longer married he must take care of himself, his life is not your concern. If you feel comfortable, yes you can meet, go for dinner, etc but do not exclude the possibility of meeting others. If you are going to let yourself be used like this, then maybe no contact is the best way forward.
Why bother?? This is who he is. Period. Tell him he needs to move out then stop contact. Clean slate to move on.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:04 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
I liked this response, felt compelled to CROP it...not DROP it.
Thanks, Sun

Quote:

Science is wonderful, as is Philosophy.

Problem:

Few can grasp it. Few can see beyond a few hundred feet, let alone over the horizon to the Elysian Fields.

It is not simple if few can DO this.

Woulda, shouda, couda comes to mind.

People are hopelessly programmed, hopelessly living their Engrams.

Hitting Control, Alt, Delete would be nice....but Clear is not attainable for the Masses or the Naïve Massaged.

The Blame:

Our education system. Values are Val-You's, in the first person.

Selfish is normal....the rest is wishful thinking...woulda, shoulda, couda... innate failings? No, this is the Norm under the Bell Curve, for Human Beans....no typo.
The focus on IQ is falling by the wayside.

Consider the case of bullying. We have effects as bad as suicide from those who receive verbal bullying. The response? Schools implement report and punish programs. The result? no decrease in bullying.

If (when) we take the scientifically sound approach, like the RULER program, we have dramatic improvements in bullying, but also school performance, general well-being and healthier social interactions.

The problem? The current crop of teachers were raised and taught when only IQ mattered and you were either a good kid or bad kid. How can an emotionally UNintelligent teacher provide lessons in emotional intelligence?

Our society sides with those that lash out after voicing their victimhood, never to consider that those "victims" look awfully like bullies, objectively.

The answer? We all have to learn how to use our emotions to make informed, and objectively sound decisions. We need emotion to employ our IQ to its fullest. For this ex-husband in question, he needs to retrain his brain, so that he understands the impact his actions has on those around him, namely his partner. Once he gets to that point, he can act on that understanding and properly fulfill the role that he auditioned for - twice now.
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 05:10 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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Originally Posted by free2beme14 View Post
I guess i just expect him to change back to the person he was, for the first several years of our marriage he was great. Then his Dad died suddenly and he pretty much fell apart.

So now he knows I'm at that point again, he's putting in effort. Tore down the shed in our back yard, is taking me for a nice dinner on Friday night that he planned out and even called to make reservations (trust me that is huge planning on his part). I just want to tell him its "too little too late"
This is what users do, they use people, especially when they fear that they are upsetting the person they're using. I'd end this, and tell him to move on. You are divorced? Remember why you did that, and realize he is showing you that all over again every time he does this. Hope you stay true to yourself. ((hug))
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

I went back to IC on Tuesday, felt good to get stuff out again (I hadn't gone for 2 months), he said that I have to remember things are different now in that we are not married, and I don't have to go through that same hassle again of divorce. He said I definitely seemed more willing to not take as much for as long as I did before, and that the last 8 months could have simply been XH trying to be different but he just cannot sustain it. I told him how much I had let myself get dragged in, even spending parts of my day applying for jobs for XH when he wouldn't even do that for himself. I told him that after a few weeks I caught myself and stopped doing it and even telling XH how crazy it was for me to do it. I have to remember that I can only control the things I can control, if XH doesn't want to take care of the things he needs to take care of (managing his bills, etc) that is on him NOT on me.

So looking forward to my week at the beach in 2 weeks!!
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 03:49 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

So when are you telling him he needs to move out?
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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So when are you telling him he needs to move out?
When I get back from my vacation later this month.
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