Should have listened to TAM - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Should have listened to TAM

I got back together with XH in December, my basement flooded due to a bunch of rain, he was there helping all the time with clean up seemed to have his crap together. Was doing everything I had asked him to work on, so he moved back in end of December of first of January. I continued going to IC, things were going good--we had good communication, he was keeping up his progress. I seriously thought it was for real.

We made it the typical for us 6 months of things going good and then they slowly started to unravel about June. He's not communicating, he is constantly complaining about his job but won't do anything to change it (like look for a new one), not finishing projects that he starts or not starting them at all. Back to blaming the ADHD, says he needs me to help him remember, blah, blah. On his phone with his buddy or watching videos all the time.

Last week, however, I kind of reached my breaking point. He texts me in the morning about how his job is screwing him over really bad, and he's going to think about "turning in his keys and quitting" that afternoon. So all day I worry about what he is going to do, because he has quit jobs before so I know its not just an I'm having a bad day thing. Apparently he said the same thing to his boss on the way out the door. So he doesn't quit, and he doesn't get fired. But I realize that its totally selfish of him to even think that way, it doesn't take "us" into consideration at all. Our present with paying bills, our future.

So here I am again, thinking this is not where I want to be.

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

So, where do you want to be? And do you want to be with him, knowing what the outcome will be?
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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I got back together with XH in December, my basement flooded due to a bunch of rain, he was there helping all the time with clean up seemed to have his crap together. Was doing everything I had asked him to work on, so he moved back in end of December of first of January. I continued going to IC, things were going good--we had good communication, he was keeping up his progress. I seriously thought it was for real.

We made it the typical for us 6 months of things going good and then they slowly started to unravel about June. He's not communicating, he is constantly complaining about his job but won't do anything to change it (like look for a new one), not finishing projects that he starts or not starting them at all. Back to blaming the ADHD, says he needs me to help him remember, blah, blah. On his phone with his buddy or watching videos all the time.

Last week, however, I kind of reached my breaking point. He texts me in the morning about how his job is screwing him over really bad, and he's going to think about "turning in his keys and quitting" that afternoon. So all day I worry about what he is going to do, because he has quit jobs before so I know its not just an I'm having a bad day thing. Apparently he said the same thing to his boss on the way out the door. So he doesn't quit, and he doesn't get fired. But I realize that its totally selfish of him to even think that way, it doesn't take "us" into consideration at all. Our present with paying bills, our future.

So here I am again, thinking this is not where I want to be.
Sorry you find yourself here. My thought is that he didn't really change; he just pretended for as long as he could. But don't kick yourself too badly, as you gave him a second chance and he was the one who blew it, not you.

I suspect he never really wanted to change how he is. If so, it would bother him with how he's acting and he would try to right his own ship. So, unless you are seeing him take ownership of his behavior and self correct, it's time to walk (again).

Be strong. You've been through this before and now you have more information. You will be ok.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

So, what's your personal contingency plan?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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So, where do you want to be? And do you want to be with him, knowing what the outcome will be?
I want to be stable and looking toward the future, and I don't just mean tomorrow or next week. I'm 46, I want to retire at 60 and move to the beach to live.

I love my XH dearly, he is a good guy even a great guy, but not if you have expectations of him to be responsible.
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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So, what's your personal contingency plan?
Ask him to move out and move on with my life
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 12:00 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

You can still love him when you are living on your own and divorced. Just don't invite him to live with you again. Just plan a future on your own and make that happen.

So, what are you going to do about him in the near future?
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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You can still love him when you are living on your own and divorced. Just don't invite him to live with you again. Just plan a future on your own and make that happen.

So, what are you going to do about him in the near future?
We are divorced, as of November 2015. So its really just a matter of one of us leaving the martial home. I can afford to stay, he cannot--- my salary is twice what his is.

We did talk some last night, but I fear it will be the same thing again, where I get a few months of effort, followed by no effort.

Am I crazy to think that mature relationships plan things? Like for example our fence needs replaces so let's sit down together and talk about how we are going to pay for that.

Maybe my concept of marriage/relationships is all wrong?
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 03:52 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

"Maybe my concept of marriage/relationships is all wrong?"

Could be. But, for sure his is. One doesn't just quit their job and expect an ex to support their sorry behind. Get him out before you have to get eviction orders. Don't know why you divorced him but there must have been a good reason. Once around is usually enough. Very few leftovers are truly tasty.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

But the girl expected him to change Blondie.


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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But the girl expected him to change Blondie.
I guess i just expect him to change back to the person he was, for the first several years of our marriage he was great. Then his Dad died suddenly and he pretty much fell apart.

So now he knows I'm at that point again, he's putting in effort. Tore down the shed in our back yard, is taking me for a nice dinner on Friday night that he planned out and even called to make reservations (trust me that is huge planning on his part). I just want to tell him its "too little too late"
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 11:53 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

Temporary change is easy. Permanent change is not. That's why most people don't change long-term. It's just too much work. Now he's back in temporary change mode because he knows you're unhappy with him so he's making an effort. That will continue until you relax and then he'll backslide again.

That's what your life will be with him. Temporary periods of change. If that's not what you want, then kick him out again and remember all of this the next time you're tempted to let him back in your life.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:36 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

You should kick him out and explain to him since you are no longer married he must take care of himself, his life is not your concern. If you feel comfortable, yes you can meet, go for dinner, etc but do not exclude the possibility of meeting others. If you are going to let yourself be used like this, then maybe no contact is the best way forward.

1. make him move out
2. put some distance between you
3. contact on your terms (if at all)
4. friends with benefits, etc not a good idea,

Your XH sounds irresponsible and a bit of a leach. You are 46, you need to get rid of the dross from your life and anything and anyone who does not add to your life.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:59 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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You are 46, you need to get rid of the dross from your life and anything and anyone who does not add to your life.
At least remove the toxic...
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: Should have listened to TAM

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I suspect he never really wanted to change how he is. If so, it would bother him with how he's acting and he would try to right his own ship. So, unless you are seeing him take ownership of his behavior and self correct, it's time to walk (again).
Sounds like he made promises with his mouth, and he never expended the effort necessary to follow through.

Were I in that type of situation, I'd focus on the things that would get that fundamental change in character. If those things weren't present, then the person in question would inevitably revert to old behaviors.

Humans are extremely predictable. A lot of what we learn is by association. It guides logic and emotion. We then have black and white memory (hippocampus) and colored/emotional memory (amygdala). Based on the associations/conditions our memories formed and are maintained, we can predict how individuals will act/react.

Changing the core of our neural activity is actually simple, but it takes a lot of effort. If someone says they are going to change, then we should see this expenditure of energy. If they say they have changed, and we see no effort having been given, then we most likely have to discount the words.


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