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So, I messed up.

5K views 24 replies 12 participants last post by  *Deidre* 
#1 ·
So, I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. We have had our ups and downs like many couples do.

In May we had an argument that I started while he was trying to go to sleep (stupid idea). He said something pretty hurtful and it cut me pretty bad. After a few days of thinking about it, I told him that I wanted to break up. I pushed him away physically and emotionally because I wanted him to apologize to be in a grand way or I wouldn't take him back. (Another stupid idea). I was going on dates and trying to make new friends, he was apologizing and trying to get us back together but I was definitely not ready to talk yet.

Around mid July, an incident with a neighbor forced us to have another argument. This time, the conversation made me have a HUGE revelation about how I was not listening to or respecting him. I talked to him more on the phone on the way home and the conversation continued after I got there. I was realizing so many things about the subtle way he asks for things and the many times he has brought up a specific subject but I thought he was being a jerk. I apologized to him for all of the things I did not realize. In the coming weeks, I have had even more revelations after doing some reflecting, talking to people about the situation, and continuing to talk to my counselor.

Fast forward to now, I have poured my heart out to him a few times about what I have come to understand and I have asked/begged for him to give us another chance. He he said no those few times.

As of last week, I mostly moved back in with my mom to give him some space, as I have been advised by many people. I met with his best friend last week who suggested that I write him a letter about the behavioral changes I have made. I have spent the past week doing that, I have talked to more people and his best friend has now seen the letter and gave me high praise for it. I also sent it to a church elder who has been helping with this and he thinks it is perfect. I am planning on delivering the letter while he is at work this Friday and hoping that the continued space will give him time to realize what I have also come to realize.

I guess my question is, have you gone through a break up? How did you cope with not seeing your partner every day? How did you reconnect without making them feel like you were smothering them? If there is anything else you can think of, please feel free to add it.

If you have gone through this, please give me any advice of what you did to get through the days of uncertainty.
 
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#4 ·
This was the part I was asking about...it sounds like you started dating other people after you two had an argument, but we're living together.
Is that the case?

After a few days of thinking about it, I told him that I wanted to break up. I pushed him away physically and emotionally because I wanted him to apologize to be in a grand way or I wouldn't take him back. (Another stupid idea). I was going on dates and trying to make new friends, he was apologizing and trying to get us back together but I was definitely not ready to talk yet.
If the answer is yes, his concerns are probably your maturity and commitment.
 
#7 ·
This was the part I was asking about...it sounds like you started dating other people after you two had an argument, but we're living together.
Is that the case?



If the answer is yes, his concerns are probably your maturity and commitment.
Agreed, and honestly that would be a major red flag with me. All it took was a big argument for you to break up with him and start dating again (all while waiting for him to have some grand apology to you). :confused:

So from his standpoint, you don't listen to or respect him, and when there are signs of trouble you chose dating other men over him. Honestly, if I was him I would run for the hills
 
#6 · (Edited)
As @Spicy said he's concerned over your maturity & commitment.
What are these arguments about?

Both of you need to listen & respect each other during disagreements.
Know when to pick your battles!
Most people get annoyed when they're sleeping or about to go to sleep & being woken up to agrue is not nice.
So if you have something on your mind bring it up during dinner & try to be calm and to see things from a different perspective.
As for getting a guy to apologise in a grand way, he can't read your mind so it's hard to understand what you need.
If you want flowers or gifts after a fight, you need to tell him!


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#9 ·
I am going to add some information to clear up some things.

The argument on that particular day was about him dodging a question during our counseling session. I was an idiot and did not ask him during the session or wait until the next one to bring it up. By the time I could think of ways to bring it up without sounding accusatory, it was time for bed.

I was also dealing with the fact that he promised me that we would be engaged by the end of last year. I pushed extra hard to work on our communication and my anxiety last year to make things smoother. Before I knew it, Christmas was only a couple weeks away and we still had not talked about marriage or the ring. When I brought it to his attention, he finally said that he didn't think we were ready because we still argued. So yes, I was still pretty upset about that because I told all of our friends and my family about it. The argument was just something else that pushed me over the edge. I have put a lot of time and effort into the relationship and I felt extremely slighted by him making such a huge promise and backing out, then having the nerve to say "the only reason I don't break up with you is because I don't want to hurt your feelings". I think anyone would be pushed over the edge with that kind of statement.

The next thing I want to clarify is that during our time apart, I have had revelations about things he had been complaining about. He complained about me not listening to him, me challenging him, not allowing him to be the man/head of the house hold, him needing alone time etc. I have since fixed those problems and that is why I am trying to reconcile. Things will be much better because I have a new understanding of his needs and my role as a wife/girlfriend in a Christian relationship.

Yup, I screwed up, I have fixed the things that I have needed to work on, I just need to know if anyone else has gone through this process and what did they do to get through the long days while being patient for their partner.
 
#10 ·
The next thing I want to clarify is that during our time apart, I have had revelations about things he had been complaining about. He complained about me not listening to him, me challenging him, not allowing him to be the man/head of the house hold, him needing alone time etc. I have since fixed those problems and that is why I am trying to reconcile. Things will be much better because I have a new understanding of his needs and my role as a wife/girlfriend in a Christian relationship.
So my question, you are making all these changes for him. Are your needs being met (outside of the engagement/marriage issue), or are you burying your needs just to hopefully win him back?

Also, could you expand a little on the bolded, how were you preventing this :confused:

It sounds like you may be giving him back too much control IMO, something that could lead to resentment on your part as time goes on.
 
#21 ·
No, I am not burying my needs to get him back. I am making these changes because I realize that I have been getting in the way of our progress. These are things as a Christian woman, I was not doing.
What are those things? Do plan to not have sex outside of marriage anymore (committing fornication) as the bible continuously commands of Christians? Does your boyfriend share your faith?
 
#25 ·
This, and OP - just my opinion, but this is why living together with a guy before marriage isn't wise. It creates a false sense of connection, and makes you 'feel' married, but you're not. If you're seeking marriage, that is, Not all people are seeking that. But, a guy isn't the head of the household, if he's not your husband. :eek: Think you should move on from this one.

You asked if people have dealt with a break up, and yes I have...I recently was engaged, and we broke it off a few months back. Ironically, he wanted to buy a house with me before we officially got married, and I didn't want that. I started seeing a side of him I didn't like, and we both decided to part ways. I'm dating someone new now, and we just really respect each other in a way, that I haven't had in other relationships. You'll get past this, I'd go no contact so you can heal. That might sound harsh, but to stay in touch with him will not help your healing process.

Best wishes for your journey. :)
 
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