So, I messed up. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 11:12 PM Thread Starter
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So, I messed up.

So, I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. We have had our ups and downs like many couples do.

In May we had an argument that I started while he was trying to go to sleep (stupid idea). He said something pretty hurtful and it cut me pretty bad. After a few days of thinking about it, I told him that I wanted to break up. I pushed him away physically and emotionally because I wanted him to apologize to be in a grand way or I wouldn't take him back. (Another stupid idea). I was going on dates and trying to make new friends, he was apologizing and trying to get us back together but I was definitely not ready to talk yet.

Around mid July, an incident with a neighbor forced us to have another argument. This time, the conversation made me have a HUGE revelation about how I was not listening to or respecting him. I talked to him more on the phone on the way home and the conversation continued after I got there. I was realizing so many things about the subtle way he asks for things and the many times he has brought up a specific subject but I thought he was being a jerk. I apologized to him for all of the things I did not realize. In the coming weeks, I have had even more revelations after doing some reflecting, talking to people about the situation, and continuing to talk to my counselor.

Fast forward to now, I have poured my heart out to him a few times about what I have come to understand and I have asked/begged for him to give us another chance. He he said no those few times.

As of last week, I mostly moved back in with my mom to give him some space, as I have been advised by many people. I met with his best friend last week who suggested that I write him a letter about the behavioral changes I have made. I have spent the past week doing that, I have talked to more people and his best friend has now seen the letter and gave me high praise for it. I also sent it to a church elder who has been helping with this and he thinks it is perfect. I am planning on delivering the letter while he is at work this Friday and hoping that the continued space will give him time to realize what I have also come to realize.

I guess my question is, have you gone through a break up? How did you cope with not seeing your partner every day? How did you reconnect without making them feel like you were smothering them? If there is anything else you can think of, please feel free to add it.

If you have gone through this, please give me any advice of what you did to get through the days of uncertainty.

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 11:20 PM
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Re: So, I messed up.

Quick question- were you going on dates while you were living together?

How old are you both? Any kids involved?

Ciao,

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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So, I messed up.

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Quick question- were you going on dates while you were living together?

How old are you both? Any kids involved?
We were still going to dinner for a while but he eventually stopped wanting to go out on our usual Friday night outings.

I just turned 24 and he is 41. No kids involved.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 12:12 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

This was the part I was asking about...it sounds like you started dating other people after you two had an argument, but we're living together.
Is that the case?

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After a few days of thinking about it, I told him that I wanted to break up. I pushed him away physically and emotionally because I wanted him to apologize to be in a grand way or I wouldn't take him back. (Another stupid idea). I was going on dates and trying to make new friends, he was apologizing and trying to get us back together but I was definitely not ready to talk yet.
If the answer is yes, his concerns are probably your maturity and commitment.

Ciao,

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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 06:15 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

It's a guy's fantasy but a 36 yo guy dating a 19 yo girl. No. Even 5 years later. No. 10 years later. Maybe.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 08:23 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

As @Spicy said he's concerned over your maturity & commitment.
What are these arguments about?

Both of you need to listen & respect each other during disagreements.
Know when to pick your battles!
Most people get annoyed when they're sleeping or about to go to sleep & being woken up to agrue is not nice.
So if you have something on your mind bring it up during dinner & try to be calm and to see things from a different perspective.
As for getting a guy to apologise in a grand way, he can't read your mind so it's hard to understand what you need.
If you want flowers or gifts after a fight, you need to tell him!


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Last edited by MrsAldi; 08-25-2016 at 09:46 AM.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

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This was the part I was asking about...it sounds like you started dating other people after you two had an argument, but we're living together.
Is that the case?



If the answer is yes, his concerns are probably your maturity and commitment.
Agreed, and honestly that would be a major red flag with me. All it took was a big argument for you to break up with him and start dating again (all while waiting for him to have some grand apology to you).

So from his standpoint, you don't listen to or respect him, and when there are signs of trouble you chose dating other men over him. Honestly, if I was him I would run for the hills
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So, I messed up.

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This was the part I was asking about...it sounds like you started dating other people after you two had an argument, but we're living together.
Is that the case?



If the answer is yes, his concerns are probably your maturity and commitment.
It was not just the argument. We were supposed to get engaged by the end of last year, it didn't happen and I was pretty pissed about it, this argument was just something that sent me over the edge. We have had many arguments before and not broken up. There was a lot more going on than what I wanted to post about.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So, I messed up.

I am going to add some information to clear up some things.

The argument on that particular day was about him dodging a question during our counseling session. I was an idiot and did not ask him during the session or wait until the next one to bring it up. By the time I could think of ways to bring it up without sounding accusatory, it was time for bed.

I was also dealing with the fact that he promised me that we would be engaged by the end of last year. I pushed extra hard to work on our communication and my anxiety last year to make things smoother. Before I knew it, Christmas was only a couple weeks away and we still had not talked about marriage or the ring. When I brought it to his attention, he finally said that he didn't think we were ready because we still argued. So yes, I was still pretty upset about that because I told all of our friends and my family about it. The argument was just something else that pushed me over the edge. I have put a lot of time and effort into the relationship and I felt extremely slighted by him making such a huge promise and backing out, then having the nerve to say "the only reason I don't break up with you is because I don't want to hurt your feelings". I think anyone would be pushed over the edge with that kind of statement.

The next thing I want to clarify is that during our time apart, I have had revelations about things he had been complaining about. He complained about me not listening to him, me challenging him, not allowing him to be the man/head of the house hold, him needing alone time etc. I have since fixed those problems and that is why I am trying to reconcile. Things will be much better because I have a new understanding of his needs and my role as a wife/girlfriend in a Christian relationship.

Yup, I screwed up, I have fixed the things that I have needed to work on, I just need to know if anyone else has gone through this process and what did they do to get through the long days while being patient for their partner.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

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Originally Posted by xxrockmexx92 View Post

The next thing I want to clarify is that during our time apart, I have had revelations about things he had been complaining about. He complained about me not listening to him, me challenging him, not allowing him to be the man/head of the house hold, him needing alone time etc. I have since fixed those problems and that is why I am trying to reconcile. Things will be much better because I have a new understanding of his needs and my role as a wife/girlfriend in a Christian relationship.
So my question, you are making all these changes for him. Are your needs being met (outside of the engagement/marriage issue), or are you burying your needs just to hopefully win him back?

Also, could you expand a little on the bolded, how were you preventing this

It sounds like you may be giving him back too much control IMO, something that could lead to resentment on your part as time goes on.

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 11:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So, I messed up.

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So my question, you are making all these changes for him. Are your needs being met (outside of the engagement/marriage issue), or are you burying your needs just to hopefully win him back?

Also, could you expand a little on the bolded, how were you preventing this

It sounds like you may be giving him back too much control IMO, something that could lead to resentment on your part as time goes on.
No, I am not burying my needs to get him back. I am making these changes because I realize that I have been getting in the way of our progress. These are things as a Christian woman, I was not doing.

He has made a lot of changes for me but I apparently was not honoring his simple requests.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: So, I messed up.

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No, I am not burying my needs to get him back. I am making these changes because I realize that I have been getting in the way of our progress. These are things as a Christian woman, I was not doing.

He has made a lot of changes for me but I apparently was not honoring his simple requests.
Still curious though on the one part, how were you preventing him from being a man/head of household?
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 12:00 PM
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Re: So, I messed up.

Were you living with him when you were dating other people and he was trying to get back together?
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: So, I messed up.

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I am going to add some information to clear up some things.

The argument on that particular day was about him dodging a question during our counseling session. I was an idiot and did not ask him during the session or wait until the next one to bring it up. By the time I could think of ways to bring it up without sounding accusatory, it was time for bed.

I was also dealing with the fact that he promised me that we would be engaged by the end of last year. I pushed extra hard to work on our communication and my anxiety last year to make things smoother. Before I knew it, Christmas was only a couple weeks away and we still had not talked about marriage or the ring. When I brought it to his attention, he finally said that he didn't think we were ready because we still argued. So yes, I was still pretty upset about that because I told all of our friends and my family about it. This is a petty and childish statement. You devalued yourself by making this statement. The argument was just something else that pushed me over the edge. I have put a lot of time and effort into the relationship and I felt extremely slighted by him making such a huge promise and backing out, then having the nerve to say "the only reason I don't break up with you is because I don't want to hurt your feelings". This tells me he's already checked out of the relationship. I think anyone would be pushed over the edge with that kind of statement.

The next thing I want to clarify is that during our time apart, I have had revelations about things he had been complaining about. He complained about me not listening to him, me challenging him, not allowing him to be the man/head of the house hold, He is regretting getting into a relationship with somebody whom he considers immature but too willful to give up control and he feels he can't continue to wait for you to grown up. him needing alone time He is saying he wants out. etc. I have since fixed those problems and that is why I am trying to reconcile. Things will be much better because I have a new understanding of his needs and my role as a wife/girlfriend in a Christian relationship.

Yup, I screwed up, I have fixed the things that I have needed to work on, I just need to know if anyone else has gone through this process and what did they do to get through the long days while being patient for their partner.
He is like a man who made arrangement to purchase a house but during inspection found a rotting rafter. The seller promised to pay to replace the rafter but he is thinking, "This house is going to be a money pit. I should look at other houses."

His friend told you to write a letter but I doubt even he thought it would turn things around for you. It was just a friendly suggestion.

Based on what I read from your post, I'm sorry to say I don't think he is coming back to you. I think he was very clear about that.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So, I messed up.

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Still curious though on the one part, how were you preventing him from being a man/head of household?
When the man makes a decision about something, the decision should stand. Of course discussion will happen between the two of you, but his decision should be the final one considering that he is going to take care of any curve balls that might occur because of his decision.

I was so focused on trying to be 50/50 with him on everything when I really don't have a way to take care of a lot of problems that might arise. That was a friction point with a lot of our arguments.
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