Getting to point of reconciliation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 03:00 AM Thread Starter
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Getting to point of reconciliation

My story: Together 6 years, Married 2, 1xchild (14mths old). 3 Months ago husband told me he wasn't happy, didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me. He went to counselling but has since stopped & moved out 3 weeks ago. Initially I was positive he was depressed but counsellor ruled that out. I'm still thinking it may be paternal postpartum depression. Out child was born with & is being treated for physical birth defect, we moved cities when she was 8weeks old to where he has no friends etc for support, new job for him which is stressful and causing him to work 12hr+ days (I'd been telling him for months he would hit a wall but had no idea it would be this), he lost his dad when he was a young child & is now questioning who he was etc. This is all part of my reasoning for believing there may be depression issues at play. I have considered there being someone else, he denies this & i'm still unsure. He now seems to be avoiding old friends, has said he is embarrassed but isn't showing any signs of wanting to reconcile.

I understand my best bet may be a 180 however what i'm struggling with is how do I achieve that when I'm struggling to even function each day? We have to communicate due to sharing our daughter & I am finding it far to hard to pretend to be OK.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 03:13 AM
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

Sadly, I can only really offer sympathy. Yes, your husband has received a hard shock that the world throws tough things at everybody and sometimes there is no path/fix to "perfect world/ignorant bliss"....if I was the type of person to excuse such things I would say this is a classic case of spiritual lesson to him that has to mature up, and so far he's not handling it well.

The 12hr day will be a challenge, unfortunately it's becoming more popular with lazy shiftwork/roster companies. Is he doing reduced days per week (most 12hr rosters come with alternating 3 days then 4 days to even out the weekly hours.

I'd say that an amount of dissociation and dealing with something he probably never considered as his life options will be what's causing the depressive-like symptoms you're observing.

since you're posting here, are we to assuming you're starting to struggle under the strain as well?

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

I wish the work roster was like that but no unfortunately he works this 5 days a week plus usually works on the weekend too, always connected to email etc. He likes to feel successful I guess so gives 150% to his job which i admire but it's hard to to believe it has been a factor in what has now happened with us.

Yes I am starting to struggle, well more that I thought it would have become easier as time when by it doesn't seam to be. I want him back big time and fast but obviously this is not something I have control over at the moment so need to work out how to look after myself while doing everything I can to help him find his way I guess.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 04:44 AM
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

Is he salaried, so that he does not get overtime? Is he required to work this much?

Where is he living now?

I am concerned there is someone else.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 04:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

Yes salaried so no no overtimed and no not required to work this much as such just does to get the job done. I've not once thought there is someone else while he is "working" but the thought in general has crossed my mind. I don't yet want to give up on him and guess I am hopeful of regardless of the reason he will realise soon what he is throwing away and want a reconciliation. It is just how do I be that person he fell in love with when I am struggling so much with the emotions of the separation to begin with.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 09:29 PM
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

So he is either cheating on you or he has abandoned his family. Maybe both.

What kind of job does he have? Do you have health insurance? Do you work?
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting to point of reconciliation

Yes at least one of those two. He is still being an active dad (prob more so now he has her on his own for half the week so has to be around).

He is a contracts manager & team leader in construction. Health insurance, No - why do you ask? Yes I am now working full time (which sucks as ontop of having daughter half the week I now see her less due to work), I was working part time before all this happened but obviously now on just the one income $$ is a lot more tight.

I am really still hoping that he will come to his senses. He believes he has lost all feelings for me & needs to "find himself" / have some space to see if he can get them back so fingers crossed that happens.
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