Annnnd I'm back - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Speaking as someone who let XH move back in after 3 months living apart, I can say now that it takes more to time to see if they have really changed. I was given that advice here, but did not listen. Now after 6 months the "true colors" are showing again and things are going back to how they were before. I know how hard it is to let go, I'm a "fixer" by nature and want to fix things for him. Heck I even found myself applying for jobs for him a few weeks ago because he wouldn't do it for himself, then I realized just how crazy that is. Would he do the same for me? Nope. Does he hate his current job? Yes, but he is not willing to do the work to change it, he just wants to complain about it to me and stress me out so that I do something to change it.

I agree with the comments, if there is more than 1 OM, its time to end it. You deserve better!

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post #17 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

This is it though, everyone of us is different and we can't all tar each other with the same brush. It's horrible to know, it really is but at the same time when it all came out I was relieved that it was just out in the open.

I'm big enough and ugly enough to handle this situation if it ever goes south again, and if it did then I would probably find it a lot easier to move on with my life. Where our friends and family know there is no where to hide and she would stand tio lose a lot more then just our marriage.
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post #18 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

You sound like you have very little self esteem or self love. What have YOU done (therapy) to fix that?
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post #19 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Listen to @turnera. She knows what she is talking about. If you don't change yourself, your wife will see the same person you were. She may not like the new man, but you will be better off for the work you do on yourself. Focus on you and let her focus on her. If you do as turnera posted with the counseling, you won't have to constantly watch. You will have time to concentrate on yourself. That is a good thing. Your wife does not want the man she cheated on. She wants someone else. Even if the new person is in your body, it's what she wants. I hope that makes sense.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #20 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
That's not the point. In fact what you wrote is completely irrelevant.

Of course it's his life, and of course he should do what's best for him.

The problem is he doesn't KNOW what's best for him that's why he's seeking advice.
Now he does.

Sarcasm aside. She is too immature to trust.

You should strive to marry just once. Sometimes this is not a good option....now is sometimes.

His next time is where his striving will pay off....on with interest.

Eyes Open Jay. Falcons are a-flight, with eyes on your tail feathers.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #21 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 02:52 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
So to give you a little background on where it started going wrong. We had been starting to try for a family... and it wasn't happening. Turns out it was down to me and IVF was the only way forward. It killed me honestly, I felt like a failure. My wife tried her best to reassure me and make me feel better but I went into a bit of a depression about it and neglected my wife emotional and sexually for about six months. It's not that I didn't love her or find her attractive I had just completely lost my mojo. She would try and try to initiate sex but when we did I couldn't finish or keep it up. I felt terrible about it, I didn't want to face the problem either. It got to the point that I had killed her confidence. We have spoke about this since and I have apologised but she still takes responsibility for it all.
And instead of supporting you and dealing with the problem like a partnership, she ran away and had affairs.

You are trying to make excuses for her and shift the blame yourself because if you make it your fault, then you have control over fixing it. Everybody likes to feel in control of things.

But the truth is that SHE is at fault, SHE is the only one who can fix HERSELF and you have absolutely no control over if she does that or not. Do you think she is even capable of it? From the way you describe her, I doubt it.
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post #22 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Jay,

You asked for advice. You got it, and it was obvious what you are going to do no matter what advice you got.

The saying goes you can predict future behavior by past results. Her track record is dismal and someone very astutely gave you a list of why starting with her job in a bar interacting with men constantly with alcohol involved.

Now you know she has had sex with other men while you were separated, and you are still going to try to reconcile while separated. BAD IDEA!! You two are either all in or all out. She owns the house so get out of your mum's and back into the home where at least you have a better chance of watching her everyday actions, not just when you are on dates.

You also have apparently rejected the advice to set up some kind of accountability system for her to attempt to make you feel safe. You are attempting to reconcile with a serial cheater, with no safety net in place other than TRUSTING her. How did that work out before.????

None of us know her, but we do know that many many times this sudden remorse kicks in when the grass is not greener on the other side. You do not want to be Plan B.

I am NOT telling you reconciliation is not possible. People have reconciled from much worse than you have encountered and people divorce over a one night stand.

But you appear to be determined to go into this blindly, with no snooping, no accountability , and you are playing Russian roulette.
That's your call. You will bear the consequences.

My suggestion is to make her prove how much she wants you back
(1) tell her you want to move back in
(2) see if she voluntarily does things to make herself a safe partner
(3) see how you feel wondering where she is while you are at home

And lastly, you might consider telling her BEFORE all of this plays itself out that you want a polygraph test to make sure there are not more men that you do not know about. She had sex with two while separated. My guess is she may still have active accounts on dating sites, or other men still have her contact information, some of which you have no clue about.

Do you know who these other men are???? You could go to her work and be sitting next to one of them???

What I am telling you is that there is a lot that you do not know and apparently have no interest in really finding out. That is not a good predictor of success.

This forum will be here if you get whacked again. Good luck. Unfortunately, if you go full steam ahead here with blind trust you may need it
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post #23 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
So to give you a little background on where it started going wrong. We had been starting to try for a family... and it wasn't happening. Turns out it was down to me and IVF was the only way forward. It killed me honestly, I felt like a failure. My wife tried her best to reassure me and make me feel better but I went into a bit of a depression about it and neglected my wife emotional and sexually for about six months. It's not that I didn't love her or find her attractive I had just completely lost my mojo. She would try and try to initiate sex but when we did I couldn't finish or keep it up. I felt terrible about it, I didn't want to face the problem either. It got to the point that I had killed her confidence. We have spoke about this since and I have apologised but she still takes responsibility for it all.
I think that there actually might be hope for you two. I'm not an advocate of divorce, unless there is cheating. But, she took the initiative and apologized to everyone, including you and is taking responsibility for her actions. That is more than most of the cheaters I've read about on here, stories told by the betrayed spouses. So, there might be hope for you both, but it will be a long road. Praying for you both.
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post #24 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 05:09 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Before I responded I re-read your first thread.

Here are my issues:

She is immature.

She is impulsive.

She can be manipulated by others.....she was pulled away from you by others.

She had weak will.

She has weak character.

She has weak boundaries.

She is oversexed....not a problem if she were faithful...she wasn't. This will not change. Wait until she has children, has more problems and pressures and then goes through the MLC that most go through.

She works in a Pub.....this is the biggest of the big problems. Alcohol weakens the Patrons and the Patroness.....your wife. It is too easy to make up reasons for absences when working in Pubs. Men and women go to bars to pick up strange.

She now has three more notches on her holster, since you separated. There may be more?

She cannot balance a scale when weighed against virtues, likeable[s], values, what she brings to a marriage. Her negatives GREATLY out weigh the positives. What she brings to the bar for you to drink is polluted Sea Water...Bilge water...... filled with barnacles, scum, and blow fish...the blow fish with spikes for scales...very poison these.

She may be pretty, funny, but that is the surface SHE. The inner SHE is yet unformed, nebulous and untrustworthy. Remember, the leopardess cannot change her spots....or spotty potty.

She deserves no R....R to the end of the alphabet....Zee Ending. Let her go. Divorce and wait a few years before Relenting.

SunCMars: You type some crazy stuff sometimes, yet others you are spot-on right, concise, and pretty darned wise.
This is one of those times!

Very well put. BRAVO!
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post #25 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

My take:

She's putting on a big-arse show for all your relatives because life is pretty darned difficult without ol' Jaybird's support; whether it be financial, emotional, or security-wise, and she wants it back. Does she want YOU back? I don't know.
You have a wife that moved out and had sex with 3 guys admittedly. There's likely more.

I vote for hell no, don't take her back. Did I read correctly that she's working at a bar now? Man, you're a glutton for punishment.
Do yourself a favor and detach. That love you have for your cheating wife is your own worst enemy. I know, because I had the same thing. I'm past it now, and I can tell you that in hindsight, I should have asked her to leave about 4 days sooner, and never EVER looked back.

You think your wife is remorseful. If she is, there's a chance and I wish you all the luck in the world.

If she's NOT, and just wants her wallet and security back, she will break your heart again. You just need to find out which it REALLY is, not what you WANT to believe. I really just don't trust her. But what's wrong is that YOU shouldn't trust her.

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post #26 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 04:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Once again thanks for everyone's input.

To address a few questions that have been raised.

The whole self love/esteem issue. Believe me that is not the case, I can see how that comes across though. Maybe I am a little too nice for my own good in this situation. I'm very confident, when we were separated I felt flattered even though I never took up on any of those opportunities. I didn't think it would be fair on any of them considering I was just coming out of a marriage at the time.

In regards to money she earns more than me, and she's also always worked in her parents pub (bar and pub are very different compared to what's in the UK to the US). That's where I met her. She hardly drinks where she's the manager and needs to be on call in case something happens.

We have been together for over five years, and up until this year I never suspected her to be doing anything behind my back. It wasn't until I had that "gut" feeling and it was obvious she was pulling away from me emotionally. And for the first time in our relationship others at the pub (friends) also noticed her behaviour.

To be honest everyone was shocked when they found out, they had always seen how a tight couple we were.
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post #27 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 05:22 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

So you don't own the property. She can kick you out on your a** whenever she wants.

Yep good deal.
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post #28 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 05:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

My name is still on the property, that can't happen unless I fully come off the deeds.

I have been given the money which if and when I move back in I will be fully backing myself with a solicitor.
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post #29 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 06:41 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Divorce and move on. You are setting yourself up.
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post #30 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Look, you want you work it out, and you think you and your WW are"different". You aren't.

Bad news - early marriage, serial cheater, family of origin issues (poisonous family), she's still enmeshed with her family (on the job), lied to you for months. No children. Only way this works out is you stay away and go no contact.

I put 21 years into a really toxic marriage. All the signs were there, but I was different. If you have children with her, she'll screw them up, bringing all her family's issues with her.

Run, seriously. What you advise a friend with this same set of facts?
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