Annnnd I'm back - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:11 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Since we first met we have had a unique bond...
The thing is, you really haven't. She has blown that bond to smithereens multiple times. Nothing unique about someone who chooses to stray from the marriage. The story is as old as time...
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post #47 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 07:06 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Similar situation many years ago. Bottom line, it lasted two years more. She didn't cheat but that true love feeling from me just drifted away. The special just disappeared.

Good luck.
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post #48 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:48 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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So I thought I would give an update on my situation.

So far so good, communication has been open and my wife an I have spoken about what happened, why it happened and our future together. She's taken the right actions in regards to getting our marriage getting back on track which is severing all communications with those she messed about with (even though she done this a while back) still been open and honest to friends and family. She is patient with me when I have a bad turn, and has shouldered the blame in regards to what she has done (obviously).

I understand a lot of peoples opinions on here but for once I wanted to show that sometimes a marriage can work through tough times and I am sure there will plenty more to come in our future... but that's marriage, no one said it was going to be easy. And if she does anything like this again then I will walk away with me head held high knowing at least I have tried to fix our marriage instead of walking away.

: )
Really?

How can you be sure?

Are you sure you won't forgive her just one more time?

And then another?

And another?

And another...

...?

Seriously, what's her incentive to stop cheating at this point?
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #49 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
The thing is, you really haven't. She has blown that bond to smithereens multiple times. Nothing unique about someone who chooses to stray from the marriage. The story is as old as time...
I always laugh at the "What we have is unique/special blah blah blah puppies and kittens and cotton candy-scented rainbow-colored unicorn farts..." bullsh*t lines.

Can't have been too special to her, right? Otherwise she might have guarded her marriage instead of allowing herself to drift into serial waywardness.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #50 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 07:49 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Really?

How can you be sure?

Are you sure you won't forgive her just one more time?

And then another?

And another?

And another...

...?

Seriously, what's her incentive to stop cheating at this point?
Posted via Mobile Device

Let's take a look at the other side. If he sits and talks with her, opens up his soul. If he admits to being insensitive at times and angry at times to the point of hollering at her. If he was interested in his hobbies or work and didn't spend enough time just with her and admits that. Honestly, I don't see how it turns out different.

He'd have to have been a monster for that to work. He'd have to have beaten her or raped her for that to work.

Either way a BS goes, the end is the same. If she doesn't want to be with you, that's it. Nicing her back or being harsh, doesn't work. It's all up to her.

You have to hope she is interested enough to try again. The issue really is, what does she want? Is she determined? Will she be strong enough when you again make some mistakes to stop herself from straying and hurting you again? Are you strong enough to handle the crushing blows of infidelity, once again?

I am not. You are, or you have tricked yourself into believing you are. I hope you are strong enough, Jay83.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #51 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 08:07 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Let's take a look at the other side. If he sits and talks with her, opens up his soul. If he admits to being insensitive at times and angry at times to the point of hollering at her. If he was interested in his hobbies or work and didn't spend enough time just with her and admits that. Honestly, I don't see how it turns out different.

He'd have to have been a monster for that to work. He'd have to have beaten her or raped her for that to work.

Either way a BS goes, the end is the same. If she doesn't want to be with you, that's it. Nicing her back or being harsh, doesn't work. It's all up to her.

You have to hope she is interested enough to try again. The issue really is, what does she want? Is she determined? Will she be strong enough when you again make some mistakes to stop herself from straying and hurting you again? Are you strong enough to handle the crushing blows of infidelity, once again?

I am not. You are, or you have tricked yourself into believing you are. I hope you are strong enough, Jay83.
There's no point in any of that.

She's a serial wayward.

Serial.

Wayward.


She's made what she wants pretty clear.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #52 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 08:35 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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So to give you a little background on where it started going wrong. We had been starting to try for a family... and it wasn't happening. Turns out it was down to me and IVF was the only way forward. It killed me honestly, I felt like a failure. My wife tried her best to reassure me and make me feel better but I went into a bit of a depression about it and neglected my wife emotional and sexually for about six months. It's not that I didn't love her or find her attractive I had just completely lost my mojo. She would try and try to initiate sex but when we did I couldn't finish or keep it up. I felt terrible about it, I didn't want to face the problem either. It got to the point that I had killed her confidence. We have spoke about this since and I have apologised but she still takes responsibility for it all.
So, if your wife couldn't carry babies to term it would be her fault you cheated? No. If she became depressed and neglected you it would be her fault you cheated? No. If she gave you duty sex and was uninterested it would be her fault you cheated? No.

Yes, you should have been a better husband, but this is biological it isn't about you being drunk, doing drugs or other self harming things which affected your ability to reproduce. You became depressed and neither of you handled it correctly. Still, the answer was to go get counseling not have affairs.

Good luck.
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post #53 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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So, if your wife couldn't carry babies to term it would be her fault you cheated? No. If she became depressed and neglected you it would be her fault you cheated? No. If she gave you duty sex and was uninterested it would be her fault you cheated? No.

Yes, you should have been a better husband, but this is biological it isn't about you being drunk, doing drugs or other self harming things which affected your ability to reproduce. You became depressed and neither of you handled it correctly. Still, the answer was to go get counseling not have affairs.

Good luck.
She's a woman. The rules are slightly different. If they weren't, the answers to those questions would be a resounding "Yes"!

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #54 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 03:55 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Society emasculates a man who can't reproduce. This is a social stigma which isn't about any rules or being slightly different.
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post #55 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 07:02 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Society emasculates a man who can't reproduce. This is a social stigma which isn't about any rules or being slightly different.
Societal rules state that it is his fault. Social rules state that he is less than a man if he can't reproduce. Life is all about social rules and how we comply with them. Those rules change as time passes, but they are considered more valid than the old rules. It's societal rules that have folks trying to do what is necessary to get married, buy a house, three cars, have two and a half children, a dog, etc.

Societal rules change and laws addressing them follow.


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #56 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 03:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

To be honest she has always been a great wife up until the affair lol. She always put us first and done everything she could for me. And I got depressed in many ways and I wasn't horrible to my wife but I shut her out physically and emotionally for quite a while. The more she tried the more I pushed her away, and this is my own opinion on my situation not hers. She isn't willing to except that I was not the best husband for quite a while and solely blames herself for what she did.

Am I finding it hard with the images of her doing what she did? Of course I am, it's like a torture, but I can't keep holding on to these and it's like my own personal challenge to get over this and look at the bigger picture. Do I think she will cheat again? Who knows, I can not predict the future neither can I control it. She's struggling herself with what she has done and is trying her best to comfort me by communicating how we both feel without arguing. She knows that if she ever done that again I will be gone, no more chances if she ever pulls anything like this again.
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post #57 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:59 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Jay,

Do you believe that pretty much anyone you would have been married to would have cheated, if all other circumstances were the same?

She could have been decent with you and still went out and slept with other men. It is best not to show that you don't want your husband or wife, if you don't want to get caught. I don't fully buy that she was good to you up until the divorce. Maybe I've forgotten that it was a ONS? Don't remember.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #58 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

ONS? Sorry I'm still catching up with the abbreviations on here, lol. Oh was it a one night stand? No. The main affair that led to us separating was on and off for 8 months. The others she was seeing when we split up, each one lasted a few weeks each. The first one she ended when he wanted an actual relationship and she didn't want that so broke it off with him and that's when he started to threaten to tell me... well he was doing that each time throughout the affair. It sucks it honestly does, I never thought that she would do this to us.

No I don't believe that who ever I was married too would have cheated, I know there are a lot that wouldn't. What bugs me is that all of this seems far to common now. Since this has all come out the amount of men and women that I know that have opened up to me and said they or there other half have had affairs. It's all too easy now I guess. I still have thoughts of "what am I doing here" after everything she has done but then the way she's trying her best to make things right count for a lot in my book. What bothers me are all of the guys are so below her, they are all basically ugly (I know I am meant to say that but they are). It makes me think how desperate for attention she must have been, especially whilst we were separated the guys then really were little hood rats. It's hard for me to understand why she was doing this apart from she felt lonely and **** after what she had done and wanted to feel needed and desired.
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post #59 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Societal rules state that it is his fault. Social rules state that he is less than a man if he can't reproduce. Life is all about social rules and how we comply with them. Those rules change as time passes, but they are considered more valid than the old rules. It's societal rules that have folks trying to do what is necessary to get married, buy a house, three cars, have two and a half children, a dog, etc.

Societal rules change and laws addressing them follow.
Millions of people do not follow these standards so, we will disagree. These aren't laws and rules, they are choices. We call them "rules" to further our own opinions and separate ourselves from each other.
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post #60 of 133 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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ONS? Sorry I'm still catching up with the abbreviations on here, lol. Oh was it a one night stand? No. The main affair that led to us separating was on and off for 8 months. The others she was seeing when we split up, each one lasted a few weeks each. The first one she ended when he wanted an actual relationship and she didn't want that so broke it off with him and that's when he started to threaten to tell me... well he was doing that each time throughout the affair. It sucks it honestly does, I never thought that she would do this to us.

No I don't believe that who ever I was married too would have cheated, I know there are a lot that wouldn't. What bugs me is that all of this seems far to common now. Since this has all come out the amount of men and women that I know that have opened up to me and said they or there other half have had affairs. It's all too easy now I guess. I still have thoughts of "what am I doing here" after everything she has done but then the way she's trying her best to make things right count for a lot in my book. What bothers me are all of the guys are so below her, they are all basically ugly (I know I am meant to say that but they are). It makes me think how desperate for attention she must have been, especially whilst we were separated the guys then really were little hood rats. It's hard for me to understand why she was doing this apart from she felt lonely and **** after what she had done and wanted to feel needed and desired.
Go get counseling and do marriage counseling because you are already blaming yourself and the other men for her choices. She CHOSE to go after "ugly" men and hood rats. If you keep picking hood rats, it isn't about being "desperate for attention," it is what she likes and they are a different type from you.
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