Annnnd I'm back - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 07:41 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

I know it hurts but be grateful it happened now and not much later into R. Now you can go on with your life instead of wasting decades (BTDT).

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post #77 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 08:47 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Go see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on divorce. Your wife is a serial cheater, most likely inherited from her mother. She will never change. Ask her to move out, and this time don't cave when she turns on the tear factory. She's not one damn bit sorry for what she has done.
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post #78 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:05 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
I know it hurts but be grateful it happened now and not much later into R. Now you can go on with your life instead of wasting decades (BTDT).
ditto
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post #79 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Keep owning your own issues. Your thoughts where spot on about issues vs adultery. They are different issues. Adultery is a horrible choice in reaction to an emotional trauma. An alcoholic will drink, a serial adulator will commit adultery. Just as a relationship cannot survive alcoholism a marriage cannot survive adultery.

Never let your issues back into your future relationships. That is your take away.
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post #80 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:19 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Frankly I can never grasp the "Why can't you trust me?!" attitude that some WS's have after repeated lies and betrayals. They're all indignant about it. Seriously?

Maybe one day when she grows up she'll be a safe partner for someone. In the meantime, you can go on to a fruitful relationship with an adult.
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post #81 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

One other thought: if she told you the truth about the why she hide her phone, what was she saying to her friend she couldn't say to you? How is it possible to have a good marriage if she cannot discuss hard issues with you? So either way, new OM or not engaging you with an issue means she is not capable of marriage.

Dollars to donuts her mother is the same way. How is her step dad doing?
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post #82 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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No it's done now, no coming back from this. Her excuse about the phone was that she had been speaking to a friend about me and her that she didn't want me to see.

I feel gutted and broken, I gave her the chance to show me that we can fix this this marriage and trust, she just couldn't help herself. I mean the writing was on the wall from the beginning. After D-Day she said she would do anything to fix us and the other guy she was seeing was still at my house that following week. This is the guy that on the following Friday turned up at mine when he found out I was home and threatened me with a metal pole... well him and his mate.

What a mess, and no she has no respect for me or herself.
Do you believe this?

Or do you think it was more of her same behavior?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #83 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Who knows if that is the case that she was speaking to a friend and you are correct in saying that if she can not speak to me then what's the point in this marriage and I pulled that up with her.

The way she has got defensive raises a lot of red flags with me, acting like she is guilty and does in fact have something to hide like the way she was acting earlier this year when she was having the affair.

Problem is I have made a lot of effort to address and work on my own faults which I felt contribute to the situation we are in now. She did too, she was very loving and attentive, making an effort to making me feel loved and secure. Up until this past weekend when she done that with her phone, for me that is ridiculous behaviour after what has happened.

She blames the guilt she feels daily for what happened and feels worthless and undeserving of a second chance in our marriage. You can see the trouble she has daily, the problem is I have no doubt she loves me, she just can't control her impulses.

Her step dad is in an awful place, he's 61 and now looking down the barrel of losing his life. Her mother is a vile human, the stories I hear about her leaving the children alone whilst meeting up with random men when my wife was younger is disgusting and she has a very bad relationship with my wife's to older sisters. As I mentioned it wasn't until the step dad came along and basically saved the family. Both her mum and biological father both have/had mental health issues so it's no surprise they have manifested within my wife. I always knew she had that side to her but I was always able to calm it down by showing her love and affection along with listening to her. Maybe it all became too much and she's now just snapped, that personality has come to the window and it's here to stay.

Her step dad was not supportive to me until he was left by his wife, that's how this family seem to work.

But I am letting her go, I'm not going to be mean to her but I just want to let her know that I hope she finds the happiness she craves in life. Even last night she was messaging me saying she doesn't want anyone else and she needs me in her life to protect and look after her. But I'm afraid that ship has sailed, I need to do something that I haven't done in a long time and work on myself.
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post #84 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 12:20 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Yeah, she told the truth there -- she really does feel your job is to protect and take care of her. While she does what she pleases.

She doesn't want a divorce so expect her to keep trying to reel you back in. It worked before so she thinks it will again. Be careful.
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post #85 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 05:25 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Unfortunately as the case may be the acorn does not fall to far from the tree. jay I hope you find happiness as well.

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post #86 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 06:30 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
I'm now sitting here in dread at the thought of how hard this is going to be. I won't lie I'm scared, I have been through so much heart ache and stress this year it feels like my mind and body are ready to give up. So much for loyalty in marriage. You look after someone, care, provide and give everything you have to them and this is what you get in return.
Instead of feeling dread, you should be feeling joy at the thought of living a life free of this bullshyte and finding a new partner who really fits you.

btw, if she really felt guilty and worthless, she would have handed you the phone and begged you to not kick her out. Look at what she did instead.
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post #87 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 07:48 PM
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post #88 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 07:55 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Hmm, who would've thunk that men who screw married women can't me counted on to protect them?

Shocking.
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post #89 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 10:37 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Your wife needs help. Everything you discribe are classic FOO issues. What spouses in your postion need to understand while you can hold their hands, they have to lead the way. Your answer clarifies a lot of her behavior.
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post #90 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 03:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

It's a shame because when she on form she's such a kind and generous person, it's just when the other side comes out it ruins it. It's horrible to think that she done the ultimate betrayal in a marriage, the guy was nothing, I was shocked when I found out who it was, 16 years older than her, ugly functioning alcoholic. I would take the piss out of her now and again by saying "if you're going to have an affair make it worth it".

We spoke last and I told her that it's over and I'm letting her go. I want us both to be happy but that now isn't going to happen between us after everything she done. she reacted the way I thought she would by saying "I don't want you to be happy with anyone else but me" and "it takes two of us to sign the divorce papers, what if I don't sign?".

From now on though I'm just not going to play into her little game, I said to her last night that I will move on knowing I tried and done nothing wrong in the marriage, also that she will be the one hurt when she finds out I've moved on and I'm with someone else and I'm happy. When I said that to her you could see by the look on her face that the thought of me being happy with another woman wasn't a thought she enjoyed. I don't think she takes into account that I will move on.

When we were separated she was obsessed with the fact that I was seeing someone else, even though I wasn't. I thought the best plan would be to keep my nose clean as then there couldn't be any sort of come back on me... if that makes sense? The one girl who I showed an interest in was also a mutual friend of both me and my wife, but not in anyway what you would class a good friend. She made the first move telling me that a lot of people saw that I was working to save our marriage when we were separated and she wasn't, she then told me that she thought I was good looking. We flirted and that was about it. My wife found out and hit the ****ing roof, making life for this poor girl very uncomfortable and forcing her to feel like she couldn't be friends or talk to me anymore because of the **** she was getting from my wife and her friends.

Somehow I don't see this ending well......
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