Annnnd I'm back - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 04:46 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Curious Jay when you allowed her back in your life after the affair did you set the ground rules on complete transparency?

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post #92 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 05:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Yes I did, and I made it quite clear. I said it has to be me and her, and not to let anyone else get in between us. That includes friends and other men. I mean to be honest it's pretty straight forward isn't it. I don't need to baby sit a 25 year old woman telling her what is right and wrong. I can't live a life where I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I class myself as an attractive guy (sorry if that comes across arrogant), when I was separated from my wife I had many opportunities to be with other women and I didn't act on it just in case I was wrong about my wife's affairs. I also didn't want to drag someone with good intentions for me into the middle of what was happening in my marriage and hurt them. If I can resist the temptation to stray then so should she. It shouldn't be this hard.
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post #93 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 01:53 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

That's right. It shouldn't be that hard. I wish more BS would just break it down that way.

I think sometimes people want permission to leave. To know it's ok to take care of themselves. To feel their needs are valid and not simply selfish.

And frankly, if someone finds their relationship a constant struggle, there needn't be an affair or triggering event to realize it's ok to throw in the towel.

I've also heard people are often relieved to be told it's ok to die. My FIL, who passed away last year, worked in a Death and Dying program when he retired for a while. He lived in a hospice with aids patients, and at the end he'd hold their hands and tell them it's ok to let go. And many died right there.

So you're not dying but it's still ok to move on


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post #94 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

She has no intention of being honest and open with you. She has no intention of stopping her cheating behaviors. This woman has no boundaries. You are the only good, solid thing in her life and she is scared to death of losing her anchor. But you have to cut her loose and let her drift out on her own. You have been chained to her for too long.
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post #95 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 02:59 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Jay,

I don't think you realize the impact of her childhood has had on her, and the resulting inability to sustain health marriage. You touched on many of the traits of cluster B personality types. I suspect fear of abandonment runs rampant though out her emotional health. You where her rock, your withdraw during the IV treatment set off a tidal wave. Now you are withdrawing agan (with good reason), her mother blew up yet another relationship destroying a father figure in her life. Her mother and sisters are just as broken as she is. Your description of her childhood is the number one risk factor for childhood sexual abuse, especially for her older sisters. Even if it was her sisters and not her the resulting damage to a sister overlaps into her life.

Take the time to review @Uptown posts. Although he focuses on BPD many of the issues he raises may be present in your marrsige.

Finally you read about meeting each others emotional needs, if she does overcome this aspect of the damage to her emotional health the result will be she will no longer require the biggest need you meet. If so, why be married to you? So yes your situation is grim. You need a therapist who deals both with marrsige issues and cluster B issues.

Be careful, be well.
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post #96 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

I feel as though I am ready to move on with my life now. I have given everything to this woman, and she was and still is my best friend in a lot of ways.

I was speaking to what is her now former best friend (she cut ties with her after she found out the truth, she was disgusted at her behaviour and also how much she decided to lie to everyone) and she confirmed a few things. People have lost all respect for her and gained a lot for me, not that I am bothered about having respect from anyone to be honest.

I honestly feel sorry for her, she's not going to get a decent guy, she couldn't even do that when we were separated, they were all horrible... apart from one guy who just used her for sex and then ended it when another woman came into the picture.

She will have a melt down when I move on though, she did before when we were separated, obsessed with the fact I was seeing another woman. She never took off her ring either when we were separated. She clings onto me with everything that she has when I'm ready to move on. In bed last night she was saying "I don't think you understand how much I love you, and wish I could rewind before I done any of this".

To be honest I am looking forward to moving back in with my mum, saving money, maybe take a holiday by myself somewhere, join the gym on the neighbourhood where my mum lives and just generally look after myself and start to be a little selfish.
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post #97 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:15 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

One other point. Look at the quality of the guys she took up with. Have you heard the expression "in the end we settle for the love we believe we deserve"? She chose man of the quality she believes she deserves.

I bet if you look closely her mom's OM lacks the same qualities as the step dad. Bye the way what is the full story of what happened in that relationship?
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post #98 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Jay,

I don't think you realize the impact of her childhood has had on her, and the resulting inability to sustain health marriage. You touched on many of the traits of cluster B personality types. I suspect fear of abandonment runs rampant though out her emotional health. You where her rock, your withdraw during the IV treatment set off a tidal wave. Now you are withdrawing agan (with good reason), her mother blew up yet another relationship destroying a father figure in her life. Her mother and sisters are just as broken as she is. Your description of her childhood is the number one risk factor for childhood sexual abuse, especially for her older sisters. Even if it was her sisters and not her the resulting damage to a sister overlaps into her life.

Take the time to review @Uptown posts. Although he focuses on BPD many of the issues he raises may be present in your marrsige.

Finally you read about meeting each others emotional needs, if she does overcome this aspect of the damage to her emotional health the result will be she will no longer require the biggest need you meet. If so, why be married to you? So yes your situation is grim. You need a therapist who deals both with marrsige issues and cluster B issues.

Be careful, be well.

You really have hit the nail on the head here. And it's what I have thought for a long time. The family is fractured beyond belief. Her biological dad was an alcoholic and walked out on her when she was young only to have contact again when she was in her early teens and he had sadly been diagnosed with cancer. He passed away when she was 19, we had been dating only for about six months by then. The stories you here about them living in squalor and basically living like tramps back them is horrifying. Her older sister was actually groomed by a man when she was only young as well so your post really was spot on. Her step dad came into their lives and gave them stability and also put my wife through private school. Her mum went from being basically a slag who had nothing to middle class snob looking down on people. As I mentioned before both parents have mental health issues and all of the siblings either have had or to have hard drink and drug issues and on top of that mental health issues.
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post #99 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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One other point. Look at the quality of the guys she took up with. Have you heard the expression "in the end we settle for the love we believe we deserve"? She chose man of the quality she believes she deserves.

I bet if you look closely her mom's OM lacks the same qualities as the step dad. Bye the way what is the full story of what happened in that relationship?
He's actually better, the step dad is basically boarder line alcoholic. This new guy is ex army and a fitness freak who runs his own tiling business. She basically starting getting into her fitness and her husband wasn't to keen on it, he's 61 and quite content with his life. She started running more and doing HIT classes and that's where she met the OM. She got fed up with the drinking and etc, not that she had a bad life, her husband treated her very well, expensive holidays, nights out in London etc. What I found though was that she suddenly felt she was too good for him because she changed her lifestyle and his didn't suit her anymore. My wife and her mother share a lot of scary traits, and to be honest she needs professional help. But only she can make that decision.

I wish I could post a picture of the guys she hooked up with on here, then you would see what I mean by the guys she decided to go with.
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post #100 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:50 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

If you're still sharing a bed with her, that's not a good idea. Don't underestimate her desperation to stay in the marriage and what she might do to keep that. You represent stability and she needs that as much as she needs other men.

When are you moving out?

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post #101 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 04:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Yeah we are still sharing a bed at the moment, until I've got things sorted money wise I will be at home.
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post #102 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 05:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

To be honest she fits the bill for being sociopath and a narcissist. Very charming and outgoing, goes through friends like a a hot knife through butter, and then those former friends she makes them look like shes the one who's been hurt and lied about. I mean she done it to me throughout her affair. Telling people I would scream and shout at her, general lies. Also that our property is hers and I put nothing towards it. Feeling like if I want to treat myself to something then I have to ask her. If we went out I would say "I'll drive you have a drink" and she would reply "no that is fine I would rather drive I don't fancy a drink" and then tell people she always has to drive because I want to drink. If I smoked she would make a big deal out of it, telling people how bad I was for smoking and making a scene where in reality she was smoking too, just didn't tell anyone. Is majorly jealous and paranoid about me and other women, it got to the point that my friends were only people she knew. Never liked me going out without her, she would get the arse on big time. She likes the control, and that's probably why when I say I'm leaving she doesn't like it.
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post #103 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
Yeah we are still sharing a bed at the moment, until I've got things sorted money wise I will be at home.
Being at home and being in the same bed are two different things. Sleeping on a quilt on the floor is preferable to sleeping in the same bed with someone you are leaving -- especially when that person might try all the tricks they have to get you to stay.
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post #104 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
I feel as though I am ready to move on with my life now. I have given everything to this woman, and she was and still is my best friend in a lot of ways.

I was speaking to what is her now former best friend (she cut ties with her after she found out the truth, she was disgusted at her behaviour and also how much she decided to lie to everyone) and she confirmed a few things. People have lost all respect for her and gained a lot for me, not that I am bothered about having respect from anyone to be honest.

I honestly feel sorry for her, she's not going to get a decent guy, she couldn't even do that when we were separated, they were all horrible... apart from one guy who just used her for sex and then ended it when another woman came into the picture.

She will have a melt down when I move on though, she did before when we were separated, obsessed with the fact I was seeing another woman. She never took off her ring either when we were separated. She clings onto me with everything that she has when I'm ready to move on. In bed last night she was saying "I don't think you understand how much I love you, and wish I could rewind before I done any of this".

To be honest I am looking forward to moving back in with my mum, saving money, maybe take a holiday by myself somewhere, join the gym on the neighbourhood where my mum lives and just generally look after myself and start to be a little selfish.
"That means absolutely nothing to me given that you're still doing it."

No more sleeping in the same bed. It's over now and you're moving on -- she needs to get the message.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #105 of 133 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 06:59 PM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Serious read @Uptowns past posts and links he has shared. I get the sense you are talking the talk but not walking the walk. Her background has caused her to be very good at saying the right things, She has had to develop these skills in early childhood to survive.

Her ability to get to you is based on knowing your weakness and what you need.

Get your money together? I though she bought you out?
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