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Annnnd I'm back

25K views 132 replies 39 participants last post by  MJJEAN 
#1 ·
So some of you might remember I was posting a few months back in regards to what was happening with my marriage.

To cut a long story short I suspected her of cheating which she outright denied, turns out I was right, the affair was on and off for about 8 months. I was crushed but it had come as no surprise. My wife told me everything, and all of my fears had come to reality. By the time everything had come out we had been separated for about three months and I have been living back home with my mum and she had bought me out of our house.

I have spoken to the OM and he believe it or not tried to play the victim. He spoke of how she broke his heart and also how she had ruined his life because she ultimately wouldn't leave me for him.

All of this had come about because my wife couldn't let me go, and when I said it was time to move on she admitted everything that had happened, also about two other guys since we had been separated (she slept with them too).

We started talking about how we could work our marriage out. She took full responsibility for the way she had acted and blamed no one but herself, stating that she would do what ever it takes to save our marriage and rebuild what she had broken.

She has already done an STD check and it's come back all good. She's been making all the right noises so far. She also went to her friends and family and admitted what she had done and apologised to everyone she has hurt. When it comes to me and her she has also showed massive remorse and has also apologised which seems to be very sincere.

Now what I would like to know is has anyone else been here and come out stronger? I understand all of our scenarios are unique in there own way so not each one can reflect upon my situation 100%.

I like to think of myself as being a strong character who takes the morale high ground and thinks about the bigger picture but at the moment I feel torn. I love this woman but my god she has some repairing to do.
 
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#2 ·
No children.

Multiple APs.


GTFO, now, while she is worried about you leaving her.

Yeah, I know. It's the worst suggestion you could see in print. Sure, it will hurt badly. She isn't worth what you will have to put into it. If you are not still separated, you should be. Find a girlfriend during separation that appreciates you. Then, compare what it is like without her, to what it will be like during reconciliation.

Sure there will be hysterical bonding sex with your wife. There will also be a huge amount of great sex with some woman that is new and really wants you.

I truly think those who have stepped out of the marriage need to stay out, as hard as that is for the BS. When there are no children involved, why even put yourself through the internal questioning, constant second guessing, and sexual drop off when she realizes you haven't changed much and she is being trusted again.

When that happens, she can go back to whatever she wants while having you to take care of her needs that an AP who doesn't take responsibility for his relationship with her, can't.

Maybe it's just me. I certainly don't see the value in reconciliation unless she has not had sex outside the marriage, yet. I'm sure you'll get other advice that will be more along the lines of 'how to reconcile'. I just couldn't read this and 'walk away'.
 
#3 · (Edited)
jay83,

i and many of TAM members had been in that same situation as yours. yes, we do not know 100% what you're feeling right now, but we have an idea what you're going though right now.

whether you save your marriage or eventually leave your WW for good, THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

i'll say brace yourself, this is going to be a rough ride. when and how you'll get out of this tunnel is entirely UP TO YOU.

YOU will be the only one who will decide how you will play this out. You will be the one who must learn how to deal with this situation.

it's confusing, it's painful...anger, love, self-blame, fear and uncertainty, etc... it's so F*CKED-UP...

but when you finally reach the end of the tunnel - YOU WILL BE RE-BORN...WISER, STRONGER, and DIFFERENT. you will have a different perspective of yourself, your life, and everything around you.

endure the pain...many of us here survived it, and so will you.

PRAYERS did so much and helped me tremendously ease the pain...

good luck in your journey, my friend...
 
#4 ·
Before I responded I re-read your first thread.

Here are my issues:

She is immature.

She is impulsive.

She can be manipulated by others.....she was pulled away from you by others.

She had weak will.

She has weak character.

She has weak boundaries.

She is oversexed....not a problem if she were faithful...she wasn't. This will not change. Wait until she has children, has more problems and pressures and then goes through the MLC that most go through.

She works in a Pub.....this is the biggest of the big problems. Alcohol weakens the Patrons and the Patroness.....your wife. It is too easy to make up reasons for absences when working in Pubs. Men and women go to bars to pick up strange.

She now has three more notches on her holster, since you separated. There may be more?

She cannot balance a scale when weighed against virtues, likeable, values, what she brings to a marriage. Her negatives GREATLY out weigh the positives. What she brings to the bar for you to drink is polluted Sea Water...Bilge water...... filled with barnacles, scum, and blow fish...the blow fish with spikes for scales...very poison these.

She may be pretty, funny, but that is the surface SHE. The inner SHE is yet unformed, nebulous and untrustworthy. Remember, the leopardess cannot change her spots....or spotty potty.

She deserves no R....R to the end of the alphabet....Zee Ending. Let her go. Divorce and wait a few years before Relenting.
 
#5 ·
I like to think of myself as being a strong character who takes the morale high ground and thinks about the bigger picture but at the moment I feel torn.
Translation - I am too weak to leave.

Multiple OM? @2ntnuf is right.

When you have to start assigning numbers to the OM or OW, it is time to leave.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for the replies, they are all much appreciated.

I totally understand where you are all coming from, I honestly do.

Is it a **** situation? Yes. Can I work through this, yes, I believe I can. And if it doesn't work out well that's life isn't it.

I can't honestly tell you why I love her as I do, I'm sure you have been in this position before. Since we first met we have had a unique bond and I've always looked out and protected her from a quite poisons family. I feel like I owe it to myself to try and make this work instead of cutting and running. I know what she has done is beyond awful, but for some reason I don't feel threatened (sounds ridiculous doesn't it).

She seems focused on working on us and making the marriage work. She's been honest to our friends and family to try and make a mends.

We will see though. Maybe everything that's happened this year has driven me mad after all.
 
#8 ·
Thanks for the replies, they are all much appreciated.

I totally understand where you are all coming from, I honestly do.

Is it a **** situation? Yes. Can I work through this, yes, I believe I can. And if it doesn't work out well that's life isn't it.

I can't honestly tell you why I love her as I do, I'm sure you have been in this position before. Since we first met we have had a unique bond and I've always looked out and protected her from a quite poisons family. I feel like I owe it to myself to try and make this work instead of cutting and running. I know what she has done is beyond awful, but for some reason I don't feel threatened (sounds ridiculous doesn't it).

She seems focused on working on us and making the marriage work. She's been honest to our friends and family to try and make a mends.

We will see though. Maybe everything that's happened this year has driven me mad after all.
You had a bond. She didn't.
 
#7 ·
You're not mad. You love someone she is not any more. There is probably a little denial going on. Your self-esteem may have taken a little hit. You want to believe. I've been there. I understand. I just don't want another to be deeply hurt by basically asking for it.

If you believe you have the strength, and you may I don't know you, then go for it. It's all up to you.

Just do yourself the favor of knowing it's likely not possible to get what you have in mind. Try to get some distance between your dreams and reality. Don't believe without verifying.

Follow the best here that know how to reconcile, but don't lose yourself in the process by becoming a patsy.

Good luck.
 
#9 ·
So to give you a little background on where it started going wrong. We had been starting to try for a family... and it wasn't happening. Turns out it was down to me and IVF was the only way forward. It killed me honestly, I felt like a failure. My wife tried her best to reassure me and make me feel better but I went into a bit of a depression about it and neglected my wife emotional and sexually for about six months. It's not that I didn't love her or find her attractive I had just completely lost my mojo. She would try and try to initiate sex but when we did I couldn't finish or keep it up. I felt terrible about it, I didn't want to face the problem either. It got to the point that I had killed her confidence. We have spoke about this since and I have apologised but she still takes responsibility for it all.
 
#21 ·
And instead of supporting you and dealing with the problem like a partnership, she ran away and had affairs.

You are trying to make excuses for her and shift the blame yourself because if you make it your fault, then you have control over fixing it. Everybody likes to feel in control of things.

But the truth is that SHE is at fault, SHE is the only one who can fix HERSELF and you have absolutely no control over if she does that or not. Do you think she is even capable of it? From the way you describe her, I doubt it.
 
#14 ·
Here's what I would do: Continue living apart, but do go out with her every couple of weeks. Do not give her ANY money. Do arrange for easy tracking of her cell phone, a GPS on her car or phone so you always know where she is, demand that she visit a counselor every single month if not more often and that you get to visit every three or four times so you can see if she's making any real progress (i.e. growing up), have her go to a lawyer and draw up a post-nup agreement that you both sign so that if you DO get back together and you DO catch her cheating again, she walks away with nothing. Oh, and of course, if she even has lunch with another man, let alone screws one, you are done.

IF she is willing to keep all this up for at least the next 12 months, then you can reassess then if you want to consider moving back in with her. Please trust me, if you don't keep separate for now, and if she can't learn to be ok by herself in that time without resorting to seeking out other men, she will never do the hard work to change. It's basic psychology. You have to give her a reason to work for it. If you just move back in, well, then, she's won. And she'll never improve.
 
#15 ·
It's nice to come here and put thoughts into writing to complete strangers who won't judge and don't know us. This is why I am here. Sometimes we have to endure bad times to truly find ourselves.

From what we have spoken about the other men it was a mix of shame and not feeling wanted/needed. I've been there and got the t-shirt with my previous long time girlfriend. It's not that I particularly wanted to cheat it just happened and guilt, remorse and whatever bad feelings seem to manifest in there own strange ways. After the first affair which she broke off she thought that if I ever found out then that would be it for us. She's made a massive mistake, we all do ( maybe not as big as this though to be honest).

I am partly responsible in this for neglecting her for so long, even though this does not mean that she was justified for what she has done.

I am not moving back in straight away, not a chance. She has said about counselling herself to sort her own mind out. As for now we are dating again, taking it slowly. When it comes to the GPRS tracking etc I'm not into that, I need to know that she can do this on her own and without me knowing her every move, I think that could lead down the wrong road.

I feel that sometimes people don;t think about what the cheater is having to go through, it's tough living with the guilt and shame so I feel you have to stand by each other instead of looking down on her and what she has done.
 
#16 ·
Speaking as someone who let XH move back in after 3 months living apart, I can say now that it takes more to time to see if they have really changed. I was given that advice here, but did not listen. Now after 6 months the "true colors" are showing again and things are going back to how they were before. I know how hard it is to let go, I'm a "fixer" by nature and want to fix things for him. Heck I even found myself applying for jobs for him a few weeks ago because he wouldn't do it for himself, then I realized just how crazy that is. Would he do the same for me? Nope. Does he hate his current job? Yes, but he is not willing to do the work to change it, he just wants to complain about it to me and stress me out so that I do something to change it.

I agree with the comments, if there is more than 1 OM, its time to end it. You deserve better!
 
#17 ·
This is it though, everyone of us is different and we can't all tar each other with the same brush. It's horrible to know, it really is but at the same time when it all came out I was relieved that it was just out in the open.

I'm big enough and ugly enough to handle this situation if it ever goes south again, and if it did then I would probably find it a lot easier to move on with my life. Where our friends and family know there is no where to hide and she would stand tio lose a lot more then just our marriage.
 
#19 ·
Listen to @turnera. She knows what she is talking about. If you don't change yourself, your wife will see the same person you were. She may not like the new man, but you will be better off for the work you do on yourself. Focus on you and let her focus on her. If you do as turnera posted with the counseling, you won't have to constantly watch. You will have time to concentrate on yourself. That is a good thing. Your wife does not want the man she cheated on. She wants someone else. Even if the new person is in your body, it's what she wants. I hope that makes sense.
 
#22 ·
Jay,

You asked for advice. You got it, and it was obvious what you are going to do no matter what advice you got.

The saying goes you can predict future behavior by past results. Her track record is dismal and someone very astutely gave you a list of why starting with her job in a bar interacting with men constantly with alcohol involved.

Now you know she has had sex with other men while you were separated, and you are still going to try to reconcile while separated. BAD IDEA!! You two are either all in or all out. She owns the house so get out of your mum's and back into the home where at least you have a better chance of watching her everyday actions, not just when you are on dates.

You also have apparently rejected the advice to set up some kind of accountability system for her to attempt to make you feel safe. You are attempting to reconcile with a serial cheater, with no safety net in place other than TRUSTING her. How did that work out before.????

None of us know her, but we do know that many many times this sudden remorse kicks in when the grass is not greener on the other side. You do not want to be Plan B.

I am NOT telling you reconciliation is not possible. People have reconciled from much worse than you have encountered and people divorce over a one night stand.

But you appear to be determined to go into this blindly, with no snooping, no accountability , and you are playing Russian roulette.
That's your call. You will bear the consequences.

My suggestion is to make her prove how much she wants you back
(1) tell her you want to move back in
(2) see if she voluntarily does things to make herself a safe partner
(3) see how you feel wondering where she is while you are at home

And lastly, you might consider telling her BEFORE all of this plays itself out that you want a polygraph test to make sure there are not more men that you do not know about. She had sex with two while separated. My guess is she may still have active accounts on dating sites, or other men still have her contact information, some of which you have no clue about.

Do you know who these other men are???? You could go to her work and be sitting next to one of them???

What I am telling you is that there is a lot that you do not know and apparently have no interest in really finding out. That is not a good predictor of success.

This forum will be here if you get whacked again. Good luck. Unfortunately, if you go full steam ahead here with blind trust you may need it
 
#25 ·
My take:

She's putting on a big-arse show for all your relatives because life is pretty darned difficult without ol' Jaybird's support; whether it be financial, emotional, or security-wise, and she wants it back. Does she want YOU back? I don't know.
You have a wife that moved out and had sex with 3 guys admittedly. There's likely more.

I vote for hell no, don't take her back. Did I read correctly that she's working at a bar now? Man, you're a glutton for punishment.
Do yourself a favor and detach. That love you have for your cheating wife is your own worst enemy. I know, because I had the same thing. I'm past it now, and I can tell you that in hindsight, I should have asked her to leave about 4 days sooner, and never EVER looked back.

You think your wife is remorseful. If she is, there's a chance and I wish you all the luck in the world.

If she's NOT, and just wants her wallet and security back, she will break your heart again. You just need to find out which it REALLY is, not what you WANT to believe. I really just don't trust her. But what's wrong is that YOU shouldn't trust her.
 
#26 ·
Once again thanks for everyone's input.

To address a few questions that have been raised.

The whole self love/esteem issue. Believe me that is not the case, I can see how that comes across though. Maybe I am a little too nice for my own good in this situation. I'm very confident, when we were separated I felt flattered even though I never took up on any of those opportunities. I didn't think it would be fair on any of them considering I was just coming out of a marriage at the time.

In regards to money she earns more than me, and she's also always worked in her parents pub (bar and pub are very different compared to what's in the UK to the US). That's where I met her. She hardly drinks where she's the manager and needs to be on call in case something happens.

We have been together for over five years, and up until this year I never suspected her to be doing anything behind my back. It wasn't until I had that "gut" feeling and it was obvious she was pulling away from me emotionally. And for the first time in our relationship others at the pub (friends) also noticed her behaviour.

To be honest everyone was shocked when they found out, they had always seen how a tight couple we were.
 
#30 ·
Look, you want you work it out, and you think you and your WW are"different". You aren't.

Bad news - early marriage, serial cheater, family of origin issues (poisonous family), she's still enmeshed with her family (on the job), lied to you for months. No children. Only way this works out is you stay away and go no contact.

I put 21 years into a really toxic marriage. All the signs were there, but I was different. If you have children with her, she'll screw them up, bringing all her family's issues with her.

Run, seriously. What you advise a friend with this same set of facts?
 
#33 ·
What you want to happen with this and what is so very likely GOING to happen are two different things. Your wife detached enough to bang multiple guys and move out. Your situation with living conditions and her job are terrible given her tendency to wander.
YOU MET HER IN THE PUB. You don't think she talks to other men there? Not necessarily a problem if you had a strong marriage. You don't. ANd working in a pub won't make it better.

Look at the facts. Make your judgement on whether to move on or go back based on FACTS. If your emotions are involved, they will totally screw your future up. Mr. Spock the hell out of this situation.
 
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