Annnnd I'm back - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Annnnd I'm back

So some of you might remember I was posting a few months back in regards to what was happening with my marriage.

To cut a long story short I suspected her of cheating which she outright denied, turns out I was right, the affair was on and off for about 8 months. I was crushed but it had come as no surprise. My wife told me everything, and all of my fears had come to reality. By the time everything had come out we had been separated for about three months and I have been living back home with my mum and she had bought me out of our house.

I have spoken to the OM and he believe it or not tried to play the victim. He spoke of how she broke his heart and also how she had ruined his life because she ultimately wouldn't leave me for him.

All of this had come about because my wife couldn't let me go, and when I said it was time to move on she admitted everything that had happened, also about two other guys since we had been separated (she slept with them too).

We started talking about how we could work our marriage out. She took full responsibility for the way she had acted and blamed no one but herself, stating that she would do what ever it takes to save our marriage and rebuild what she had broken.

She has already done an STD check and it's come back all good. She's been making all the right noises so far. She also went to her friends and family and admitted what she had done and apologised to everyone she has hurt. When it comes to me and her she has also showed massive remorse and has also apologised which seems to be very sincere.

Now what I would like to know is has anyone else been here and come out stronger? I understand all of our scenarios are unique in there own way so not each one can reflect upon my situation 100%.

I like to think of myself as being a strong character who takes the morale high ground and thinks about the bigger picture but at the moment I feel torn. I love this woman but my god she has some repairing to do.

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post #2 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

No children.

Multiple APs.


GTFO, now, while she is worried about you leaving her.

Yeah, I know. It's the worst suggestion you could see in print. Sure, it will hurt badly. She isn't worth what you will have to put into it. If you are not still separated, you should be. Find a girlfriend during separation that appreciates you. Then, compare what it is like without her, to what it will be like during reconciliation.

Sure there will be hysterical bonding sex with your wife. There will also be a huge amount of great sex with some woman that is new and really wants you.

I truly think those who have stepped out of the marriage need to stay out, as hard as that is for the BS. When there are no children involved, why even put yourself through the internal questioning, constant second guessing, and sexual drop off when she realizes you haven't changed much and she is being trusted again.

When that happens, she can go back to whatever she wants while having you to take care of her needs that an AP who doesn't take responsibility for his relationship with her, can't.

Maybe it's just me. I certainly don't see the value in reconciliation unless she has not had sex outside the marriage, yet. I'm sure you'll get other advice that will be more along the lines of 'how to reconcile'. I just couldn't read this and 'walk away'.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #3 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:09 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

jay83,

i and many of TAM members had been in that same situation as yours. yes, we do not know 100% what you're feeling right now, but we have an idea what you're going though right now.

whether you save your marriage or eventually leave your WW for good, THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

i'll say brace yourself, this is going to be a rough ride. when and how you'll get out of this tunnel is entirely UP TO YOU.

YOU will be the only one who will decide how you will play this out. You will be the one who must learn how to deal with this situation.

it's confusing, it's painful...anger, love, self-blame, fear and uncertainty, etc... it's so F*CKED-UP...

but when you finally reach the end of the tunnel - YOU WILL BE RE-BORN...WISER, STRONGER, and DIFFERENT. you will have a different perspective of yourself, your life, and everything around you.

endure the pain...many of us here survived it, and so will you.

PRAYERS did so much and helped me tremendously ease the pain...

good luck in your journey, my friend...

Last edited by rafaelandy; 08-26-2016 at 09:10 AM. Reason: spelling
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post #4 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Before I responded I re-read your first thread.

Here are my issues:

She is immature.

She is impulsive.

She can be manipulated by others.....she was pulled away from you by others.

She had weak will.

She has weak character.

She has weak boundaries.

She is oversexed....not a problem if she were faithful...she wasn't. This will not change. Wait until she has children, has more problems and pressures and then goes through the MLC that most go through.

She works in a Pub.....this is the biggest of the big problems. Alcohol weakens the Patrons and the Patroness.....your wife. It is too easy to make up reasons for absences when working in Pubs. Men and women go to bars to pick up strange.

She now has three more notches on her holster, since you separated. There may be more?

She cannot balance a scale when weighed against virtues, likeable[s], values, what she brings to a marriage. Her negatives GREATLY out weigh the positives. What she brings to the bar for you to drink is polluted Sea Water...Bilge water...... filled with barnacles, scum, and blow fish...the blow fish with spikes for scales...very poison these.

She may be pretty, funny, but that is the surface SHE. The inner SHE is yet unformed, nebulous and untrustworthy. Remember, the leopardess cannot change her spots....or spotty potty.

She deserves no R....R to the end of the alphabet....Zee Ending. Let her go. Divorce and wait a few years before Relenting.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #5 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
I like to think of myself as being a strong character who takes the morale high ground and thinks about the bigger picture but at the moment I feel torn.
Translation - I am too weak to leave.

Multiple OM? @2ntnuf is right.

When you have to start assigning numbers to the OM or OW, it is time to leave.
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post #6 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Thanks for the replies, they are all much appreciated.

I totally understand where you are all coming from, I honestly do.

Is it a **** situation? Yes. Can I work through this, yes, I believe I can. And if it doesn't work out well that's life isn't it.

I can't honestly tell you why I love her as I do, I'm sure you have been in this position before. Since we first met we have had a unique bond and I've always looked out and protected her from a quite poisons family. I feel like I owe it to myself to try and make this work instead of cutting and running. I know what she has done is beyond awful, but for some reason I don't feel threatened (sounds ridiculous doesn't it).

She seems focused on working on us and making the marriage work. She's been honest to our friends and family to try and make a mends.

We will see though. Maybe everything that's happened this year has driven me mad after all.
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post #7 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

You're not mad. You love someone she is not any more. There is probably a little denial going on. Your self-esteem may have taken a little hit. You want to believe. I've been there. I understand. I just don't want another to be deeply hurt by basically asking for it.

If you believe you have the strength, and you may I don't know you, then go for it. It's all up to you.

Just do yourself the favor of knowing it's likely not possible to get what you have in mind. Try to get some distance between your dreams and reality. Don't believe without verifying.

Follow the best here that know how to reconcile, but don't lose yourself in the process by becoming a patsy.

Good luck.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #8 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
Thanks for the replies, they are all much appreciated.

I totally understand where you are all coming from, I honestly do.

Is it a **** situation? Yes. Can I work through this, yes, I believe I can. And if it doesn't work out well that's life isn't it.

I can't honestly tell you why I love her as I do, I'm sure you have been in this position before. Since we first met we have had a unique bond and I've always looked out and protected her from a quite poisons family. I feel like I owe it to myself to try and make this work instead of cutting and running. I know what she has done is beyond awful, but for some reason I don't feel threatened (sounds ridiculous doesn't it).

She seems focused on working on us and making the marriage work. She's been honest to our friends and family to try and make a mends.

We will see though. Maybe everything that's happened this year has driven me mad after all.
You had a bond. She didn't.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #9 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

So to give you a little background on where it started going wrong. We had been starting to try for a family... and it wasn't happening. Turns out it was down to me and IVF was the only way forward. It killed me honestly, I felt like a failure. My wife tried her best to reassure me and make me feel better but I went into a bit of a depression about it and neglected my wife emotional and sexually for about six months. It's not that I didn't love her or find her attractive I had just completely lost my mojo. She would try and try to initiate sex but when we did I couldn't finish or keep it up. I felt terrible about it, I didn't want to face the problem either. It got to the point that I had killed her confidence. We have spoke about this since and I have apologised but she still takes responsibility for it all.
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post #10 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Originally Posted by Jay83 View Post
For some reason I don't feel threatened (sounds ridiculous doesn't it).
The only plus that rises above the pus.

You have thick skin and low expectations. Hope this is enough.

Good luck...Sorry your are Here.....and [that] you do not Hear.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:16 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

If it was one guy, then maybe there's a chance at reconciliation.

But multiple partners?

She's made her intentions clear. You know what she's made of.

Remorse aint gonna change that.

You'll always be sleeping with one eye open.

That's no way to live.
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post #12 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Jay, you have to do what is best for you...in the end its your life not ours.
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post #13 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

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Jay, you have to do what is best for you...in the end its your life not ours.
That's not the point. In fact what you wrote is completely irrelevant.

Of course it's his life, and of course he should do what's best for him.

The problem is he doesn't KNOW what's best for him that's why he's seeking advice.
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post #14 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

Here's what I would do: Continue living apart, but do go out with her every couple of weeks. Do not give her ANY money. Do arrange for easy tracking of her cell phone, a GPS on her car or phone so you always know where she is, demand that she visit a counselor every single month if not more often and that you get to visit every three or four times so you can see if she's making any real progress (i.e. growing up), have her go to a lawyer and draw up a post-nup agreement that you both sign so that if you DO get back together and you DO catch her cheating again, she walks away with nothing. Oh, and of course, if she even has lunch with another man, let alone screws one, you are done.

IF she is willing to keep all this up for at least the next 12 months, then you can reassess then if you want to consider moving back in with her. Please trust me, if you don't keep separate for now, and if she can't learn to be ok by herself in that time without resorting to seeking out other men, she will never do the hard work to change. It's basic psychology. You have to give her a reason to work for it. If you just move back in, well, then, she's won. And she'll never improve.
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post #15 of 133 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Annnnd I'm back

It's nice to come here and put thoughts into writing to complete strangers who won't judge and don't know us. This is why I am here. Sometimes we have to endure bad times to truly find ourselves.

From what we have spoken about the other men it was a mix of shame and not feeling wanted/needed. I've been there and got the t-shirt with my previous long time girlfriend. It's not that I particularly wanted to cheat it just happened and guilt, remorse and whatever bad feelings seem to manifest in there own strange ways. After the first affair which she broke off she thought that if I ever found out then that would be it for us. She's made a massive mistake, we all do ( maybe not as big as this though to be honest).

I am partly responsible in this for neglecting her for so long, even though this does not mean that she was justified for what she has done.

I am not moving back in straight away, not a chance. She has said about counselling herself to sort her own mind out. As for now we are dating again, taking it slowly. When it comes to the GPRS tracking etc I'm not into that, I need to know that she can do this on her own and without me knowing her every move, I think that could lead down the wrong road.

I feel that sometimes people don;t think about what the cheater is having to go through, it's tough living with the guilt and shame so I feel you have to stand by each other instead of looking down on her and what she has done.
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