So confused - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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So confused

So XH is totally done a turn around or he's planning something while I'm gone on my trip. He had me work up a list of things I have wanted done around the house forever, and he is working through that list and is even thinking of taking 2 days off work while I am gone to complete bigger projects. He's offered to take me and pick me up from the airport which he has never done, and I take at least one trip each year, usually more.

I have two thought processes going on, either he FINALLY gets it and is sincere when he says he will do whatever it takes to make things work between us or he's going to have the single life while I'm gone. Yes, he cheated once before when we had been married 5 years--I was working 2 jobs and going to school trying to make a better future and he thought I didn't love him anymore. So he had an affair with someone he knew from high school that was a married stay at home Mom and free to come see him at lunch and talk to him on My Space and cell phones, etc. I found out when we got a $500 cell bill, since I paid all the bills I knew that wasn't right, so then I found out all the overages that we were charged and a number I didn't recognize. Poof! Marriage implosion.

Since we divorced last year, I don't have access to his cell phone bill as he pays it himself and now also had a work phone that he carries. I want to believe he is being sincere, but something just seems off to me. Thoughts?

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 04:22 PM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by free2beme14 View Post
I was working 2 jobs and going to school trying to make a better future and he thought I didn't love him anymore. So he had an affair with someone he knew from high school that was a married stay at home Mom and free to come see him at lunch and talk to him on My Space and cell phones, etc.
What an assclown. He actually tried to use that ridiculous excuse for being a cheater? Sounds MORE like Romeo was taking advantage of the situation - you never being around because you were working your fingers to the bone - and he saw the opportunity to get himself some strange, is all. And then he flipped the script and tried to blame it all on YOU for neglecting the poor, poor victim.

I'll take Self-Entitled Douche Bags for $500, Alex.

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I found out when we got a $500 cell bill, since I paid all the bills I knew that wasn't right, so then I found out all the overages that we were charged and a number I didn't recognize. Poof! Marriage implosion.
PLEASE tell me you made him get a 2nd job to pay for his cell phone bill. How IRONIC that his feeble excuse was that because you were working or going to school and didn't have time for him, you "didn't love him anymore," but he sure didn't complain when your paychecks went into the bank, did he? Yeah, I'm betting not.

No wonder you kicked his hypocritical ass to the curb.
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Since we divorced last year, I don't have access to his cell phone bill as he pays it himself and now also had a work phone that he carries. I want to believe he is being sincere, but something just seems off to me. Thoughts?
I guess what I don't understand is why you're bothering with him again. He's already shown you exactly who he is. Didn't you believe him the first time?

And now you're possibly volunteering for MORE of his sh*t. I guess I just don't get it. I'd never invest in someone like him again. Ever.

As you said, "something just seems off." Never ignore your gut. Ever.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: So confused

You got divorced for a reason. A GOOD reason.

Stay that way.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:59 PM
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Re: So confused

Stay away from him, it does sound like he is up to something. Maybe wanting something from you, or having a big guilt trip.

He is in counseling or anything?



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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: So confused

when my ex is being nice, it's always because he wants something. and i know when he had realized that he's not going to get it, because then he's mean.

think of it like a sleight of hand magic trick. look at the nice shiny thing going on over here, so i can do something tricky over there.

So i would enjoy the home repairs, and watch for the con.

Also, do you usually live in the same house, or have access to each others space? Could he be looking to get into your house/your stuff/your personal documents while you're gone? Also, i would be worried that his offering to drop off/pick up is him keeping tabs on exactly how long you will be gone.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 07:05 PM
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Re: So confused

Good grief. The guy tries to take care of you and everyone jumps that he's doing xyz for abc. He's working on his ex's crao for her and you guys are like pirhanas?
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:10 AM
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Re: So confused

Is he in IC? Maybe he's starting to understand what he did to you and the marriage and is taking a step to improve.
IMO if he's willing to get stuff done for you I'd take it. Doesn't mean you have to reconcile with the guy.



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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So confused

He is not in IC, I have been and still am. He moved out last September, then my basement flooded in December and he was spending lots of time there helping with it and we had been going on dates, working on things and in January of this year he moved back into the marital home. Things had been going pretty good with the R until about June when he began his normal routine of saying he would do things and not following through with them, *****ing about work constantly but not doing anything to change it, and not communicating with me (just head buried in his phone all the time). The dates got less and less then almost a month ago he text me on a Wednesday and says he told his boss "he is going to consider quitting at the end of the day". This totally upset me because it feels like he is not taking us into consideration in that equation, just being selfish. He didn't quit his job, and now has had a couple of interviews for a new job. I was even applying for jobs for him then I realized how absolutely insane that was and stopped doing it. At the same time I started pulling back from him thinking that he's not invested in this for any period of time beyond tomorrow.

I guess I just find it odd that he is taking time off work when I'm gone vs. taking time off when I am off and spending it together

Last edited by free2beme14; 09-09-2016 at 08:28 AM.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
As you said, "something just seems off." Never ignore your gut. Ever.
Agreed.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: So confused

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He is not in IC, I have been and still am. He moved out last September, then my basement flooded in December and he was spending lots of time there helping with it and we had been going on dates, working on things and in January of this year he moved back into the marital home. Things had been going pretty good with the R until about June when he began his normal routine of saying he would do things and not following through with them, *****ing about work constantly but not doing anything to change it, and not communicating with me (just head buried in his phone all the time). The dates got less and less then almost a month ago he text me on a Wednesday and says he told his boss "he is going to consider quitting at the end of the day". This totally upset me because it feels like he is not taking us into consideration in that equation, just being selfish. He didn't quit his job, and now has had a couple of interviews for a new job. I was even applying for jobs for him then I realized how absolutely insane that was and stopped doing it. At the same time I started pulling back from him thinking that he's not invested in this for any period of time beyond tomorrow.

I guess I just find it odd that he is taking time off work when I'm gone vs. taking time off when I am off and spending it together
Why did you let him move back in after only a few months after the divorce?

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So confused

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Why did you let him move back in after only a few months after the divorce?
Because things were going really good and we were both committed to the R, it seemed silly to keep paying for separate households when he was spending most of his time at the house.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: So confused

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Because things were going really good and we were both committed to the R, it seemed silly to keep paying for separate households when he was spending most of his time at the house.
I don't see how you can be committed to the R when you are obviously not committed to the divorce. You had separate households because YOU'RE DIVORCED. Was it part of the divorce agreement that he will continue to maintain the marital home? Why is he still in the picture?

So what if your ex sees other women while you're gone? YOU'RE DIVORCE.

Divorce is serious business. I don't think either one of you are taking it seriously.

I also don't get the part where he ***** about his work but not do anything to change it. What is he supposed to do to change it other than quit? But if he threatens to quit he's being selfish?

I'm not trying to be mean here. Did any of these life choice inconsistencies come up in your IC?
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So confused

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I don't see how you can be committed to the R when you are obviously not committed to the divorce. You had separate households because YOU'RE DIVORCED. Was it part of the divorce agreement that he will continue to maintain the marital home? Why is he still in the picture?

So what if your ex sees other women while you're gone? YOU'RE DIVORCE.

Divorce is serious business. I don't think either one of you are taking it seriously.

I also don't get the part where he ***** about his work but not do anything to change it. What is he supposed to do to change it other than quit? But if he threatens to quit he's being selfish?

I'm not trying to be mean here. Did any of these life choice inconsistencies come up in your IC?
No I kept the home with the intent to sell it, I can afford it but it makes things tight. Then the basement flooded and couldn't be sold as it was, we both paid to get it fixed back up and livable space. I make twice what he makes salary wise, he was renting. I guess when he moved back and we got back together as a couple I took that to mean we weren't seeing other people.

As far as complaining about his job--to me if you are that miserable then put some effort into looking for another job. Don't continue to complain knowing it won't change, you have to be the one to change.

Yes these choices come up in IC, the counselor has seen us individually and together at different times in our relationship over the course of 14 years.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 02:48 AM
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Re: So confused

In your other thread IIRC you were planning on asking him to leave after your trip. Maybe he sensed that so now he's being helpful.

I still think you're being used.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 05:59 AM
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Re: So confused

it sounds you are not confused at all...
you know exactly what you need to do.
don be afraid to do it!
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