The 180 with kids - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
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The 180 with kids

How does the 180 work when you have kids?

I have obviously been doing things very wrong with trying to win my husband back and I decided today I'm no longer going to be his door mat. I want him back so badly but I want him to respect me as well and what I'm doing is not making him respect me. If anyone's seen my previous posts I have been letting him just walk over me and use me and All it's doing is hurting me. I'm hoping doing the 180 will help me heal more and open his eyes as well.

Please no rude comments, this crap is hard enough without other people bashing.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:18 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

I am not sure of the 180. I do think setting your limits to what you will accept happily is important. But usually those limits spring forth naturally from a person's heart, at least imo.

How about letting go of wanting him back? If you could do that, the 180, or just leaving him outright, would be much easier.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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I'm trying to figure out how to let him go but it's way harder than I thought. I want my family together and hope in the future we will be a family when he's done doing all this crap and changes his ways.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:29 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

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Originally Posted by LoveBuggsMama View Post
I'm trying to figure out how to let him go but it's way harder than I thought. I want my family together and hope in the future we will be a family when he's done doing all this crap and changes his ways.
What would be something that, if he did it, would just make your love for him go cold?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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If he got another girl pregnant, I would never be able to get over that
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 09:49 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

First of all, you have to learn to value yourself more than your marriage. You value the marriage at the cost of your well-being.

You gave and gave, hoping for love in return except that did not work. The value should be in you as a person.

At some level he recognizes this fact and places less energy and focus into the relationship because you are safe and he feels secure in knowing that he can push your boundaries. You lack the will to place any consequences and he devalues you as a person.

Whether you stay married or not or whether he marries someone else or not and may be happy or not, the point of the 180 is to be fine without him. Love is an addiction, a drive like thirst and hunger, except this one is harming you as a person. The 180 steps is a way of weening yourself away from this drug that is currently harmful, one you think you need to function.

Love that is not reinforced is a love diminished. The more you are separated and living a life separate from him, the easier it gets because that drive towards him is diminished. At first, this will be difficult and you will keep wanting to check on him, knowing what he is doing and the best solution is to keep busy, make new friends, strengthen bonds with others for emotional support. There is research that shows when people have emotional support, it makes separating from another easier as that need for connection is met elsewhere, satiating some of that need.

Think of love like a grove of trees and as humans, we are only capable of maintaining an nurturing a certain number of said trees. The more time and energy, the more nutrients we feed these trees, the bigger it grows and thus more branches. In your grove. your husband is a really big tree with so many branches. Lets say you decided that you wanted to nurture other trees that represent family and friends and perhaps grow a new tree, you would have to take away resources that you initially gave to your husband. Slowly his tree will start withering starting with the leaves, then the branches, and finally the tree itself as you stop feeding the tree. The other trees in your grove will grow bigger in response.

So, there must be change with you first as a catalyst before either moving on or salvaging a marriage. The current situation will remain because all the factors are nearly identical, giving the near identical result.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 10:10 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

LOL I thought you were about to 180 your children. I thought, "Well, what did they do to deserve a 180?"

One of the rules of the 180 is that you shouldn't pretend to move on. You should truly move on. You need to really accept the fact that this person you love might not be there anymore. This is because faking a 180 doesn't work. You pretend you don't care but soon you will break and text him "I love you" or something. The emotional detachment from this person is going to make you sane and (maybe) make them respect the strength you exhibit in that you really don't need them anymore.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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LOL I thought you were about to 180 your children. I thought, "Well, what did they do to deserve a 180?"

One of the rules of the 180 is that you shouldn't pretend to move on. You should truly move on. You need to really accept the fact that this person you love might not be there anymore. This is because faking a 180 doesn't work. You pretend you don't care but soon you will break and text him "I love you" or something. The emotional detachment from this person is going to make you sane and (maybe) make them respect the strength you exhibit in that you really don't need them anymore.
Haha no no not my son LOL. Just my husba and deserves it lol. But how do I actually move on? Literally i have tried making myself angry with him, avoiding him, ignoring him and the second I see him or hear his voice I feel like I'm gonna push him away if I don't talk to him or if I am just distant I feel bad.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

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If he got another girl pregnant, I would never be able to get over that
Use that kind of imagery to help yourself detach.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

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Originally Posted by LoveBuggsMama View Post
Haha no no not my son LOL. Just my husba and deserves it lol. But how do I actually move on? Literally i have tried making myself angry with him, avoiding him, ignoring him and the second I see him or hear his voice I feel like I'm gonna push him away if I don't talk to him or if I am just distant I feel bad.
I hate these kinds of situation. Don't worry about pushing him away. He is already pushed away. It takes a certain amount of emotional detachment to treat someone the way he is treating you. So, really, pushing him away is your last option. He might respect that you have the strength to not need him. But a word of caution, do not do it in the hopes of getting him back. That defeats the whole purpose. The 180 is there to help you cope. It is not a magical formula to make your spouse fall back in love with you. Often because a person does the 180, their spouse is attracted to their new found strength but sometimes they leave. You must make up your mind. Are you willing to continue the way the relationship is now because you don't want do something to push him away? Or are you willing to go the other route, into the unknown? I try to never advocate divorce on here because it is such a personal and painful decision.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

I read a little of your other posts and really, what do you think you will get out of advice from people here? Are you willing to do what you need to do to make your life better? Is this how you want to live your life? Your husband is a complete douche. It's not even a question. He loves the single life? GTFO. Live somewhere else. Set up a schedule for visitation. Get your child support and find someone else.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:46 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

I believe I started the 180 a while ago. It was really difficult to not include him in my decision making. Because I had always done that. It was "we" not "me". Once you get past that, and you will, it is much easier. I did it to detach, not to "win" him back. What helped me was to remember all the nasty things he had done and said and the fact that I had let him do it with no consequences. That wasn't hard. My STBXH had no respect for me because I didn't respect myself.

You have to remember when they get to this point, you are there for their needs and that is it. Otherwise, you are a second or third thought if at all.

Mine left several weeks ago. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Is it scary, oh yeah! Just remember, his behavior says more about him than it does you. It is not about you. Once you can figure that out, it does get easier. You do the 180, only talk to him about finances and your son, and start rebuilding your life. You can't make him change but you can change yourself. Mine didn't want to change and I was no longer willing to live like that.

ETA: Your son is learning how to treat women through the actions of your husband. And learning that a wife should act the way you do. Do you want him to treat his wife this way? If you can't put yourself first, do it for him.

Last edited by Síocháin; 09-09-2016 at 11:51 AM.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: The 180 with kids

Unless you leave your husband completely out of the equation, the 180 will not work. It is NOT a way to win him back. It's for you, for YOU to move on, heal, and enjoy your life without him or anyone else.

As far as your kids go - they also don't have anything to do with it. You do the 180 so that you - YOU - are better, so that you feel better and look better and act better and ARE better. You get rid of all of this stupid yearning you have for this man who totally disrespects you, and you learn how to be happy just being YOU, and you alone.

It sounds selfish, and it totally is.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 08:45 AM
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Re: The 180 with kids

Set boundaries for yourself. No contact with him unless to do with your son.
Your WH cannot come and go as he pleases
get a lawyer and draw up a separation agreement, clearly stated terms re money, access to son, etc.
You detach completely, no communication unless in email, no phone calls, no turning up without an appointment. His contact with you must be on YOUR terms
The longer you are in control the faster you can detach. Move on, do things for yourself, act as if he is dead to you. rely on family and friends.
He has no say in your life, he chose to leave it so he has lost that privelege.
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