is all hope lost? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 05:48 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Does dirtbag om's wife know?

It's not fair to keep this from her, particularly since you know std's are involved.
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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

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What do you know of her first marriage and her first husband?
That he left her. She said it was because she was partying too much. I'm thinking she did the same to him. And he came back to her wanting to work it out, hooray, I did the exact same thing. He still emails or texts her from time to time.

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She currently does not have a good track record of honesty. She also lacks the ability to control her impulses. I believe the magical ran out for her after the honeymoon period ended and she sought that out.
Thinking so.

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Does dirtbag om's wife know?

It's not fair to keep this from her, particularly since you know std's are involved.
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supposedly yes. Impossible to know the truth at this point. I'm not sure I want to start a war with 1 person I don't know much about (OM) and another that may be a pathological liar (WW). Or look even more pathetic if she really does already know. Sometimes vengeance is good, sometimes not so much. Life isn't fair to any of us. I feel no obligation to tell her.
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 11:18 PM
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is all hope lost?

@bojangles you should think about boundaries, honesty and integrity. Look in the mirror and fix what you need to.

Your boundaries are weak because you continue to accept abuse and don't clearly see that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Honesty -come on man - you said you wanted out but reversed course when she took control. Be honest with yourself and keep being honest on future relationships.

Regarding integrity - the fact that you feel no obligation to warn the OM's BS about the STD's shows me you lack - at least to some degree - integrity. I understand why telling her is not priority #1 but "being a man" in my book means doing the right thing even if it's hard.




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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 01:18 AM
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Re: is all hope lost?

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Originally Posted by bojangles View Post
supposedly yes. Impossible to know the truth at this point. I'm not sure I want to start a war with 1 person I don't know much about (OM) and another that may be a pathological liar (WW). Or look even more pathetic if she really does already know. Sometimes vengeance is good, sometimes not so much. Life isn't fair to any of us. I feel no obligation to tell her.
Until you do, you don't deserve to be in any sort of committed relationship.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 02:31 AM
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Re: is all hope lost?

You feel you have no obligation to her, a stranger. Why should we help you, a stranger?

You see how that works?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 04:50 AM
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Re: is all hope lost?

Bojangles,

OK buddy, it seems like you have made the smart decision to get yourself out of this marriage. She appears to be a serial cheater and is not about to stop now.

Now I'll try again to make some sense for you as to why you should get in touch with this wife of OM. It appears that because it is the moral and right thing to do is having no effect on you. And I am not sure about what you are saying about a conflict over it with OM. Screw him.

Until you divorce your wife, and I hope you do, there is always the chance she may "lure" you back in to try to work it out. If that occurs you are going to kick your self in the butt wondering if his wife really knew or not or if your wife has just added to the lies she has told you.

Regardless, at some point you are going to wonder if you acted on facts or lies, and you will feel much better knowing you knew everything and that there was no reason to second guess yourself.

But first things first, and I hope you meant it when you said you were going to file. She is a nightmare that you are going to keep having again and again.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

last spring i tried her cell from 3 separate lines and left a vm about the affair. never heard back. i suspect he intercepted, maybe not.

WW's favorite method of deception was gaslighting. second was the limited hangout/half truth.

i've been told:

his wife is schitzo
that OM and his wife haven't been intimate for years
that she doesn't care about him running around
that WW disclosed it to OM

some, all or none of that could be true.

50-70% of the population has one form or another by midlife whether they know it or not.

too many unknown variables to go stirring up sh!t over. i understand the counter argument that it's too many unknowns to not act. my moral obligation is to any of my future partners. IF OM contracted it from WW it's his moral obligation, not mine.
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 05:53 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

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50-70% of the population has one form or another by midlife whether they know it or not.
One form or another of what?
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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

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hsv


25% of women and 20% of men and 85% don't know, largely because of dbags like you. Just sayin'


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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

the ad hominem and "just sayin'" are weak forms of argument. the final word is yours if you want to bask in the glory.
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:51 AM
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Re: is all hope lost?

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the ad hominem and "just sayin'" are weak forms of argument. the final word is yours if you want to bask in the glory.


Oh, I'm sorry. You misunderstand. I wasn't arguing a point. I was contradicting your claim on the one hand, and articulating why people don't know they're infected on the other. It is not an ad hominem argument when I am directly making a value judgement about your actions.


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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 03:10 PM
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Re: is all hope lost?

The fact that you described the start of your relationship with her as such, and your unwillingness to prioritize telling the OBS about your wife's STD, speaks to your character.

Do the right thing. Not doing so only costs you your honor, and the benefit is you no longer have to fear mirrors.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

I've reconsidered my position on this and have tried to get into contact w/ the OMW.

So last spring, when I found out OM's last name (through work emails on WW's phone), I went on beenverified.com and got his address. I show up at the house and a lady answers the door. Come to find out, the address was outdated BUT the lady answering the door asked why I was looking for this guy. I told her and she said she owned the home, OM used to rent from her, they had a falling out, he's a POS and she gave me his new address plus OMW's phone number. I had it all right at my fingertips but knew nothing of this forum or the nature of affairs at the time. I could have been cool, calculating and hit a homerun. But I was hot headed, not thinking at all and made a mess.

I show up at the correct address and he answers the door. This is still last spring. I thought I could intimidate him since I'm a pretty tall and broad dude. Tell him to cut it out. No "or else" just "stop what you're doing, good night." When I get home, I call his wife and leave a VM. (WW much later admits he intercepted that) Next day I text both their bosses, "are you interested in the details of the affair between X and Y?" Ranking boss texts back, "not company policy to interfere in personal lives of employees." I reply, "it's on company time and email." They reply, "still not our business." I act foolishly out of rage and start emailing/texting OM at work. Sent him a meme base on this pic http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/...aster-girl.jpg He texts me, "stop calling, emailing, texting me, don't come by my house."

Fast forward to now. I still have OMW's number but can't get through. Tried using co-worker's cell phones, multiple lines at work, left vms, no reply. I took to facebook using a burner account (I din't have a "real" facebook, not into social media at all) sent her a friend request and message that was never accepted/returned. Got in touch with MIL of OM on FB and told her there's an affair going on. She says, "find that hard to believe but I'm listening." I tell her it's a co worker and they meet several times a week. I figure we'll have more exchanges but my burner account gets de-activated shortly after that, probably from having the last name "Ishavinganaffair." I create a real facebook account and send friend requests again, have not had anyone accept. Found MIL and FIL on beenverified. Calls to listed numbers have gone un returned.

Later that night (after FB blowup) WW calls me but I don't pick up. I know the call is no coincidence and she's hot that I blew **** up on facebook, if only for a day. But, I did not mention the H on facebook, that's something that needs to be told to OMW privately.

Then, just for ****s, I forward work emails to HR and their bosses realizing WW and OM likely rugswept it. The forwarded emails leave little doubt regarding the nature of their relationship. Next day I get a cease and desist reply from HR but just to not email any employees.

I could show up at OMW's house on a weekday to try and tell her. I'm worried that all these foolish acts (from not handling anger well) has a) me towing the line of getting charged with legitimate harassment or b) WW and OM seeing me as enough of a threat, that they may frame me for harassment (ww can be a calculating person) c) OM having had plenty of time to condition his wife that "some crazy guy may show up, he thinks I'm with his wife, we're just friends, don't take calls, don't answer the door, call the police, etc."

I don't know what, if any options I have left without getting into some **** for harassing people.
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: is all hope lost?

also, this should pry be moved to dealing w/ separation and divorce. my first post was hanging onto false hope of reconciling. i've accepted the reality of what's going on which is separated with divorce inevitable.
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